It's All Write

[mandyjw]

After psychologically projecting myself on the entire alphabet, I'm feeling a little empty.

"This is who I be, this is who I be, this is who I be." 

I don't want to be that! Rejection of thought is mistaken for rejection of who I am. 

"I'm an aloof little bitch. I don't love enough." "I'm obsessive, needy, annoying, compulsive." "I'm OCD, I'm crazy." 

How do these things even co-exist? Go on, COEXIST you bunch of assholes! 

Oh... I'm narcissus and echo. My thoughts are always dualistic. This is how I create my stories. 

"I hated myself. I hurt myself. I feel in love with myself. The end." That was supposed to be fell not feel. 

One letter changes everything. 

letter (v.) "write in letters," 1660s, from letter (n.1). Earlier it was used in a now obsolete sense "instruct" (mid-15c.). Related: Lettered; lettering.

letter (n.2) "one who lets" in any sense, c. 1400, agent noun from let (v.).

 

I am a love letter! 

 

[mandyjw]

We came for the fun of motion, for the fun of emotion. But we never move. 

No. 

On the other hand, old patterns come up. I had to wear soaking wet shoes home, cause I got them wet on the trail and when I put my feet in them, I was suffering for a minute, and then I remembered that I don't move. The actual sensation is pleasurable if I had to judge as weird as that sounds. 

If I am utterly present listening to music it isn't, it's the movement or illusion of time and change that creates the vibes, and then the pleasure that seems to come from the music. 

Resistance is a funny thing, if movement is for pleasure, and you're not actually moving, how would there be such a thing? 

think (v.)

Old English þencan "imagine, conceive in the mind; consider, meditate, remember; intend, wish, desire" (past tense þohte, past participle geþoht), probably originally "cause to appear to oneself," from Proto-Germanic *thankjan (source also of Old Frisian thinka, Old Saxon thenkian, Old High German denchen, German denken, Old Norse þekkja, Gothic þagkjan).

Old English þencan is the causative form of the distinct Old English verb þyncan "to seem, to appear" (past tense þuhte, past participle geþuht), from Proto-Germanic *thunkjan (source also of German dünken, däuchte). Both are from PIE *tong- "to think, feel" which also is the root of thought and thank.

The two Old English words converged in Middle English and þyncan "to seem" was absorbed, except for its preservation in archaic methinks "it seems to me." https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=think

[mandyjw]

I LOVE this song, somehow found it minutes after it was released and it quickly became one of those you play on repeat for weeks. Saw the video for the first time last night. The fact that she did THIS with the music video is too perfect.  

"If we never make it, I'm okay with it
I'm your Juliette, you're my Brad Pitt
They're the humans, we are the monolith
And I'll keep spinning around for ya, spinning around for ya"

[mandyjw]

There's a seeking pattern that starts with self doubt or insecurity and then looks for credit or confirmation from someone else. Because we know most people are fickle and we can't please everyone nor do we care to, we hone in on one person. Daddy must always be happy, we must always be the apple of his eye, then when even the one person we selected becomes impossible to please and we disown our own desires in order to do it, we get angry and try to burn down the patriarchy, or smash his beer bottle in the floor and yell at him when he's drunk. 

The reason Daddy needed us to please him is because he was insecure and self doubting. 

So there is no "one" who can be insecure or doubt themselves. There is no "one" who can actualize or build themselves up to avoid the insecurity. There is no "one" responsible for it. It's not happening, which is exactly why healing can seem to occur, but it never will. There will be no one moment when it is proclaimed healed. 

We could journal about it, as if it were a problem. We could shove it under the rug as if it were a problem. Does it matter what we do? No. 

I'm hooked like crack on connective, REAL conversations, on having things end on a good note. Taking conversation to new places, appreciating each other on a deep level, having intuition and seeing into someone on a level you didn't know was possible. Don't leave me hanging, I'll come back for more. I want to make you happy. I want to make you happy. I want to make you happy. I just want to make you happy.

Conditions don't make happiness, it's uncaused. 

I cannot make anyone happy. 

 

[mandyjw]

So if repression is as bullshit as depression, the the idea-ntity creates the experience, it's believing thoughts about you that don't resonate. People love to demonize religion and religion demonizes sex. However, both are just cutting themselves off from pleasure. The pleasure in sex, and the pleasure in religion are the same.  Neither have anything to do with religion or sex somehow. 

Happiness is not caused folks.

Oh Jesus.

The intimacy we actually already share is already far more explicit than the most explicit, intimate acts, it's so explicit, it's hidden. Innocent. In no sense. It's not unfelt though.

Sir Ender, I thought I wanted YOU. You, in your sexy suit of armor, kept tryin to get you out of it. I see now, I'm the gift and the giver.  The armor and the seductress. I just de sire sir ender and that's the end of I. 

er....

I am the ender of the end. The ender never ends. 

TIMELESS revelations. You get to be a kid again, you get to be an adult and use knowledge to enhance the sense of wonder and appreciation. You are ever discovering the world, the unfathomably large, complex world, so wonderful, so magical it is ever expanding as you appreciate it. Like Sir Ender's...

I'll never have the same connotations with surrender again. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Less about teaching, more about friendship and mutual appreciation. Everyone has something to teach us, something important to offer, even if it's a question they are asking. Especially if it's a question they are asking. When we enjoy each other, we influence each other. There isn't a requirement of having "credit" or being assumed to have "knowledge" or teacher being above a student. This slows it down and makes it less satisfying for all involved. There isn't even a conscious knowledge of teaching going on when some of the most transformational moments occur. It was just someone doing what they enjoy, connected to Source and someone observed it. When I was a little kid another kid came to my house and caught a garter snake. He was very calm, not afraid of it, treating it respectfully, and held it out for me while I patted it. I never saw him again, my family was terrified of snakes but having that experience had inoculated me against it.

 So many people are looking for friendship and mutual appreciation when they seek out a teacher, or seek to become one. Bu instead they might think they are seeking to become. We carefully observe each other. We either use what we observe (think) to cut ourselves off from source and connection with another, seeking to come up better than the other, or we recognize our own being. When we are the boy appreciating the garter snake because it's what he wants to do, we are in our essence, teaching. When we are acting out in front of our child our fear of snakes, we are doing the opposite. 

Where two or three are gathered.

Rather than making more Eckhart Tolle's and Sadhguru's, if anything we just want to enjoy each other. And that's all Tolle and Sadhguru are doing really anyway. 

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi

We have to know that we're inherently worthy , that we DO have something to offer and it's not different from the openness to appreciating what another has to offer. We don't have to even know what that is, just that we aren't separate and we attract each other because we're what the other is asking for. 

 

Edited December 7, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I seem to deviate from what I want, when I think that "I am a woman, so of course this is actually my desire, it must be because I'm weak and needy, and I can't just go for the jugular and make my name and build something. Or go mediate in a cave and leave everyone and everything. Cause I'm lesser than, obviously." 

I want to bring together rather than build. 

The tower of babel. 

What is prior to building? ?

Communication. 

What's bringing together, drawing, a drawing, att traction? 

I'm just aligning with the power, the current. 

What happens when you build something, and don't bring together? A cult. cult (n.)

1610s, "worship, homage" (a sense now obsolete);

Fear and Revere. 

I could also stand to drop my disrespect and love instead. I mean... being a woman is fucking awesome. I really wouldn't choose to be anything else. Dr.P's mansion is just a pile of rocks now. It used to be a huge mansion with a turret. Now it's a hole in the ground, you have to seek it out to find it. And that's kind of the magic of it. 

WOAH. Source likes where I'm headed with this. 

assert (v.)

c. 1600, "declare;" 1640s, "vindicate, maintain, or defend by words or measures," from Latin assertus, past participle of asserere/adserere "to claim, lay claim to, appropriate," from ad "to" (see ad-) + serere "to join together, put in a row" (from PIE root *ser- (2) "to line up"). Related: Asserted; asserting. To assert oneself "stand up for one's rights or authority" is recorded from 1879.

Of course there's no assertion. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Y'all need to repent! 

repent (v.)

c. 1300, repenten, "be grieved over one's past and seek forgiveness; feel such regret for sins, crimes, or omissions as produces amendment of life," from Old French repentir (11c.), from re-, here perhaps an intensive prefix (see re-), + Vulgar Latin *penitire "to regret," from Latin poenitire "make sorry," from poena (see penal). https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=repent

 

I've been embarrassed of my religious background, repenting for what I thought was the creator of the need to repent. I needed to liberate myself and make myself cool so I could please other kinds of people. Obviously religion was a scapegoat itself. 

Oh damn I was jealous of these people. I HATED this band. I wanted that. Oh damn. 

Ohhhh damn! Ohhhh damn! No..... No.  NOPE. 

We didn't go THERE SOURCE, oh no we didn't. 

"Something happened, and now I know. " 

You're allowed to want what you want and like what you like regardless of what other people think. 

Ok, I know what I want. 

Damn freedom is such a non thing. 

I'M ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT! I'M ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT! 

Damn. 

They put a steeple on their church. 

The turret.

The lightning rod. 

Jealousy. 

Are you serious? Are you serious? 

Just allow the desire. That's all. 

NO! THIS has to be wrong somehow. 

THIS is what you repressed. This is what you were repressing.

FUCK! I don't know how to make this happen....

Just allow the desire, that's all. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. You are simply free to do what feels right to you. 

It's all write. 

Freedom would be a terrifying thing, if terrifying and terrific didn't come from the same fucking root. 

But how? How do you have that without that, and HOW do you have THAT without THAT? 

Don't ask how but why? Don't ask why but how?  It all falls apart you see. You asked. The same root. The same desire. Life is working out, for everyone. Do you see the beauty now? Do you see it? Do you see it? 

YES! Yes I see. I'm scared.

You don't see. 

I saw. I came, I saw, I... decided I was weak. 

decide (v.)

late 14c., "to settle a dispute, determine a controversy," from Old French decider, from Latin decidere "to decide, determine," literally "to cut off,"

You can cut off the controversy. But never yourself. 

controversy (n.)

"disputation, debate, prolonged agitation of contrary opinions," late 14c., from Old French controversie "quarrel, disagreement" or directly from Latin controversia "a turning against; contention, quarrel, dispute," from controversus "turned in an opposite direction, disputed, turned against," from contra "against" (see contra (prep., adv.)) + versus "turned toward or against," past participle of vertere "to turn" (from PIE root *wer- (2) "to turn, bend").

I WAS the controversy!

It was all turned against yourself. Your intent was to be good to yourself today, and you were. And the same, tomorrow, and the next day. 

So pop goes the world. 

This is not how I was expecting things would go!

They aren't going anywhere. Calm the fuck down and enjoy your newfound freedom. Everything, EVERYTHING is newfound. 

 

[mandyjw]

FUUUUUUUUCK. I played the music video again. Fuck. 

Holy shit. Hooooooly shit. Hooooooly shit. I wish I could be coherent, but...

There is nothing... no reason.... there's no reason.

The REASON FOR THE SEASON IS NO REASON> MOTHER FUCKERS THEY ARE IN THE VORTEX! JESUS BE DAMNED. Jesus. Jesus. Didn't matter. Never mattered. NEVER MATTERED. It NEVER MATTERED! 

Marry Christmas, Hallelhuay. Whatever the fuck that was supposed to say. 

[Fearless_Bum]

5 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

There is nothing... no reason.... there's no reason.

The REASON FOR THE SEASON IS NO REASON> MOTHER FUCKERS THEY ARE IN THE VORTEX! JESUS BE DAMNED. Jesus. Jesus. Didn't matter. Never mattered. NEVER MATTERED.

?? I'm dying.

[mandyjw]

@Fearless_Bum How appropriate! The trash bag I thought was a buddha. 

 

[mandyjw]

After sleeping on it, I'm PISSED again. A bit unsettled still but pissed. I got triggered by something, and then I thought about what I wanted to comfort me and thought it was hilarious that Christian music came to mind, and also thought that was very very wrong of me, like backlash or regression. But there is no backlash or regression. You only move forward. Then I realized the connection. And I realized that my judgement to being open sexualy, and my judgement toward religion was the same.

It felt like in order to be a part of a church family, you'd need to do everything like them. People can influence you in ways to discover your own connection with source or they can influence a cutting off from it. In truth there isn't any influence, just your own connection or disconnection. 

Pastor Leon told my Dad he was a shitty father for letting us get hair cuts. Women had to have long hair. They don't get to choose what they like.

Pastor Leo says that if women don't orgasm or are too uptight, she's messed up and you should leave her. 

It's all about what pleases the man. Since when is wisdom about what makes a man feel like a man?

God forbid a woman own her own pleasure, no matter what that is. God forbid. Maybe God is actually a woman, and she's biased towards men which is why there's never been a female President. I mean... George Bush's big ears were SO fucking cute. Who cares if they start a war in the Middle East? And the way he dodged that shoe, man. Pretty masterful. 

Alright that journal entry took a turn. 

Back on track with my righteous anger. writeous. Tee hee he. I'm sure it will return soon enough. 

[mandyjw]

Whatever, I'm already free, but the universe responds to how I actually feel about it. 

Whatever.

Whatever. I'm cool. I'm good. 

Shell-shocked. I wanted this world to be good. It doesn't look good. How many meth heads for neighbors? How many judgmental as fuck Christians? How many abusive men in power? 

How many women who don't know their worth?

TOO MANY!

I only see one, to every question. Not even that.  

How long are you going to play all these notes for? The sad ones, the profound ones, the, I guess none of them are that, I just think they are. Don't you know? I don't know how to write them. I'm ignorant. I just enjoy it. 

What a brilliant design. Enjoying without knowing what's coming next. 

It's a buffet. I know. But it's one mother fucking fucked up buffet. I mean big picture wise, I'm not sure how you can't admit that. What kind of buffet has all THIS? 

Admit? Admit you to the buffet? I don't see a buffet, my big picture is the small one, what's wanted. I never see the whole buffet. There is no big picture. There's no shapshot, no still image, THIS is it. There are no frames, it doesn't stop. It doesn't stop for anyone. 

I once went on a trip with my in laws and we drove 4 hours out of the way to go to a fucking buffet. Just go the fuck to McDonald's people. Don't go out of the way for what you really want. 

I don't stop for anyone. 

Slow down.

You know how there are things you love that you're just dying to share with people, but they wouldn't open their minds to it? And honestly you don't know if it's you or them? You know how things don't make you happy? You know how people are free to do what they want? What about this seems so wrong to you? 

It seems write I suppose. 

Whatever. 

See? It's not willing to end on a bad note, willing to drop it without resolving it. See, as you said above there are no bad notes. 

My relationship with my husband began with me writing notes. 

note (n.)

c. 1300, "a song, music, melody; instrumental music; a bird-song; a musical note of a definite pitch," from Old French note and directly from Latin nota "letter, character, note," originally "a mark, sign, means of recognition," which traditionally has been connected to notus, past participle of noscere "to come to know," but de Vaan reports this is "impossible," and with no attractive alternative explanation, it is of unknown origin.

Meaning "notice, attention" is from early 14c.; that of "reputation, fame" is from late 14c. From late 14c. as "mark, sign, or token by which a thing may be known." From late 14c. as "a sign by which a musical tone is represented to the eye." Meaning "a brief written abstract of facts" is from 1540s; meaning "a short, informal written communication" is from 1590s. From 1550s as "a mark in the margin of a book calling attention to something in the text," hence "a statement subsidiary to the text adding or elucidating something." From 1680s as "a paper acknowledging a debts, etc." In perfumery, "a basic component of a fragrance which gives it its character," by 1905. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=note

Holy fuck. 

A note is snapshot. A thought. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Oh! Oh. Nicely played. Accused of what I accuse. Law of attraction, toss me on the seas! High note, low note, high note, low note, SHARK!

Empty boat. 

Empty note. 

 

Edited December 9, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I feel bad because you are bad. Repent, goddamn it. REPENT. 
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
GODDAMN sinners reconcile!

Ohhh! Oh.. he's trying to get me to repent! For what I said, the same understanding, for the same words that have freed me. Because of how it made him feel, which is my fault because I told him he isn't influenced on how he feels by outside forces. 

Law of attraction, I understand how you work, but baby you're much too fast.

Well I'm clear. Thank you. Thanks for everything. 

Speaking of Prince. Wildly appropriate. https://youtu.be/4gazNwzC4H0 

Thank you, thanks for everything. 

 

[mandyjw]

Will the drama stop, will I stop playing notes with my emotions? Is it motion or just a notion? Or did I never move at all? Make your move. 

I want to feel amazing about life. I want to feel amazing about the mundane, when it feels like there's no motion, I want to feel amazing where there's contrast and stuff being hashed out and moving. I came here to create/appreciate. 

Well then. Checkmate. Who the fuck cares? I was just playing with myself and I forgot which team I wanted to win and whose turn it was. I lost all the pieces on the board. Maybe they are under the couch? Who cares. 

 

[mandyjw]

When you realize that there's no one to blame for your feeling bad, for feeling insecure, the only one left to blame is yourself, and blaming yourself is exactly the insecurity. 

A big bubble of insecurity, spinning around itself, what a story. So it's one thought at a time and you let some thoughts slip by. No, that's a thought. 

I'm insecure for the the upmost of beautiful reasons that I'm a thought, I've mistaken myself for a thought, and thoughts are never secure but always fleeting. I'm right, I just have to figure out how I'm right. Maybe I'm just righting. Maybe I'll never be write, but I can write. 

The less I think of myself the more I Am. The flow state waits for no one. Oh... delicious double meaning.  

It's a trip, realizing you were so, soo, sooo, sooo very, VERY, DELIGHTFULLY wrong. You wouldn't have it any other way. 

All negative words seem to have the same root meaning to turn or bend, or twist. Like the Tolle insight "What are there two of me, one that cannot live with myself anymore?" you cannot turn against yourself. There's nothing there to turn against. You can't turn against anyone else. You can only turn the other cheek, turn towards what you want, because turning back towards yourself isn't turning at all. It's simultaneously the most powerful moment forward and not moving at all. 

 

[mandyjw]

[mandyjw]

In the spirit of Calvin, accidently dropping wisdom bombs in highly mislead ways, (that strip is so loaded and yet so funny) I find it highly disappointing that I don't get to control people. I mean... WTF. I have a lot of opinions about how things should be. I have a lot of opinions about how YOU should be.

 

Dear You People,

You are not allowed to threaten or disturb me in any way.

You must not do anything to make me jealous. (See above.) You'll just have to suck at everything, (unless I need an appendix removed or something, in which case, you better suddenly become a world leading goddamn expert.)

You also must entertain me.

You are not allowed to watch entertainment I don't like, or like anything I don't like.

You also must not dislike what I like. 

You must not like what I like if it causes me to be insecure in any way. 

If you hear me approaching, you must suddenly evacuate the shopping aisle or bathroom to make way for my presence. This is only right.

I cannot possibly write out all of the things you need to do, especially since they are slightly different for each person, so you're just going to have to intuit them, really. 

Always, always, always be very concerned about what I'm thinking. Be on your toes. CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Sincerely,

I

PS. Also, I believe in "Do unto others" so I will try very hard to intuit your list as well. I will always be so concerned about what you're thinking about my behavior that I won't even really see you there. I will try super duper hard not to offend you and I will beat up myself so bad when I fail that I will develop severe social anxiety and we're just gonna have an awkward as fuck time together. Hope you're cool with that, cause you know, your thoughts come first, except for mine, cause you know, why am I writing this letter? Geez. Idiots. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Are you offended? Please don't leave me. 

Because this is all impossibly stressful, I spend most of my time hiding in the woods. You will probably want to do the same, except, you are not allowed to infringe on my woods.