It's All Write

[mandyjw]

I'm not all right, and I don't care. 

I'm so enjoying my flaws. 

flaw (n.)

early 14c., "a flake" (of snow), also in Middle English "a spark of fire; a splinter," from Old Norse flaga "stone slab, layer of stone" (see flag (n.2)), perhaps used here in an extended sense. Old English had floh stanes, but the Middle English form suggests a Scandinavian origin. "The close resemblance in sense between flaw and flake is noteworthy" [OED]. Sense of "defect, fault" first recorded 1580s, first of character, later (c. 1600) of material things; probably via notion of a "fragment" broken off.

Well then. 

doom              666/tcp                           #Doom Id Software
doom              666/udp                           #Doom Id Software

This is an Easter egg programmed into all Windows software. Windows. soft ware

ware (n.)

"manufactured goods, goods for sale," Old English waru "article of merchandise," also "protection, guard," hence probably originally "object of care, that which is kept in custody," from Proto-Germanic *waro (source also of Swedish vara, Danish vare, Old Frisian were, Middle Dutch were, Dutch waar, Middle High German, German ware "goods"), from PIE root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for."

Woah... that's the story right there. The birth of the materialist paradigm is the birth of fear and the notion of loss. 

https://www.etymonline.com/word/*wer-

Crazy. 

All write. I'm not all write. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_secret

My son INSISTS I post his directions to find the 666 Windows Easter egg.

 First go to file explorer, This PC, C:, Windows, Find System32, Find drivers and software.
Next you just click on notepad and press ok.
Finally just find it (they are sort by numbers so just find 666) and you're done!

 

Edited October 4, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

???

Been fighting a low vibrational state all day. 

Holding it in place, nice work. 

Fuck off. You mother fucker, non physically focused voice of wisdom. 

To be a voice, one must be physically focused. 

Yeah, fuck off, I'm not in the mood. 

Mood is doom spelled backwards. 
 

I said FUCK OFF! I'm done with this shit. (Laughing at myself.)  Done with spirituality. Done with trying to understand. Still laughing at myself. 

I think that's crying. 

HE DOESN'T LIKE ROAST BEEF. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAKE YOUR OWN GODAMN SANDWICHES.  LESBIAN, I'm going lesbian. I tell you. I'm not sure what to do with the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to women, but it does seem smart. 

Uh, Nothing is helping. The fact that I know that I'm creating it only makes it worse. 

Keep the shakeweight away from your face. 

I'm either just invisible, not good enough or someone's fucking fantasy. Nissargadatta says get rid of the body idea. But right now the only way to do that that seems accessible is a destructive one. 

I'm either just invisible, not good enough or someone's fucking fantasy. "Done with spirituality. Done with trying to understand."

You are one brutal mother fucker. Slice. Whew! Straight to the point. I cannot objectify myself without also objectifying Source. 

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! That's some kind of brilliance. I can't fucking win, but I CANNOT fucking lose.  Really, source, really, this? And this?

Fuck.  

 

[mandyjw]

I'll just pretend to like things I don't like. For you. For you. For you.

I'll just pretend to like things I don't like. For you. For you. For you.

Why did you let this happen? 

Why did you let this happen? 

Is this some kind of merging? 

Not two. What did you expect from the roast beef? 

He should have pretended! 

Is that what you really wanted? 

No. Why do I always lose. It's always some kind of submission. 

"I can't fucking win, but I CANNOT fucking lose." You're not playing against yourself are you?

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!  AGAIN! Oh shit. The posture! You got me. You totally got me.

I got you. 

Why am I so convinced I'm ugly? 

ugly (adj.)

mid-13c., uglike "frightful or horrible in appearance," from a Scandinavian source, such as Old Norse uggligr "dreadful, fearful," from uggr "fear, apprehension, dread" (perhaps related to agg "strife, hate") + -ligr "-like" (see -ly (1)). Meaning softened to "very unpleasant to look at" late 14c. Extended sense of "morally offensive" is attested from c. 1300; that of "ill-tempered" is from 1680s.

Among words for this concept, ugly is unusual in being formed from a root for "fear, dread."

I'm afraid of myself. 

"I am creepy. I am creepier and more nonsensical than Salad Fingers, creepier than anything. I am the author of creepy. 

Creep From c. 1300 as "move secretly or to evade detection,""

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm aware of everything. 

HA! You can't be both at once! 

I can. For you. 

[mandyjw]

Alright, now I feel like creating something. 

Live looked in the mirror. At first she liked what she saw, four letters together, all of them interesting well formed characters. She loved the soft curves of the e, the shape of the v and the i and the strong angle of the L. Then she noticed something that turned her stomach, "Oh no, I'm evil!" She said.

Don't read into things so much.

The though I, is the bending of the light, it is itself looking back at itself. It knows something is off, but it doesn't know that the illusion, is what's off. It feels that it IS evil, it is bad, wrong, ugly, afraid. Live's stomach turns because she is reading something untrue, her guidance is working, but she believes her stomach turns because she IS evil and evil is bad and wrong, and it is her. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding finally sends her to a word smith. "Rearrange my letters!" They are backwards. He doesn't care. Maybe she's a goth and wants to look evil? He doesn't ask enough questions to understand her great misunderstanding. He doesn't say, "Honey, you don't really see yourself in the mirror." No, he takes her money and rearranges her.

And she became eviL.

It sounds like one of those children's parables that end really nasty.

No one wants to be...

awkward (adv., adj.)

mid-14c. (adv.), "in the wrong direction," from awk "back-handed" + adverbial suffix -weard (see -ward). The original sense is obsolete. As an adjective, "turned the wrong way," 1510s.

Mirrors are awkward, they turn us round in the wrong direction, just like the light has to bend to see itself. 

We should change the word to drawkwa. That would be truly awkward. 

Even the word awkward is awkward, talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Just kidding, sticks and stones are words too, see? 

I love our crazy exchanges. Even if I told you to fuck off. 

Have you ever noticed how "fuck off", is totally an oxymoron? 

 

[mandyjw]

author (n.)

mid-14c., auctor, autour, autor "father, creator, one who brings about, one who makes or creates" someone or something, from Old French auctor, acteor "author, originator, creator, instigator" (12c., Modern French auteur) and directly from Latin auctor "promoter, producer, father, progenitor; builder, founder; trustworthy writer, authority; historian; performer, doer; responsible person, teacher," literally "one who causes to grow," agent noun from auctus, past participle of augere "to increase," from PIE root *aug- (1) "to increase."

From late 14c. as "a writer, one who sets forth written statements, original composer of a writing" (as distinguished from a compiler, translator, copyist, etc.). Also from late 14c. as "source of authoritative information or opinion," now archaic but the sense behind authority, etc. In Middle English the word was sometimes confused with actor. The -t- changed to -th- 16c., on model of change in Medieval Latin, on mistaken assumption of Greek origin and confusion with authentic. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=author

Hoooo! That did not disappoint. 

[mandyjw]

(You shouldn't be journaling right now.) Write now.

Magic. 

(You're just insane.) Are we doing this again? 

Yes, these lower vibrational states are a repeat of fuckery. Low. Hell. Forever and ever and ever. 

You so prided yourself in seeing through the reality of hell. 

Feels like gaslighting to burn up the lower vibrational states. 

Interesting choice of words. Hell is self-consuming... and non existent. 

I'll consume myself one way or another. 

How would you do that? 

I dunno. Maybe a shark. Maybe something darker. 

That wouldn't be you. If you knew you couldn't fail... even then, go fly off a fucking bridge. (Oh really, we're going there? God you are an insensitive hateful little bitch.)  

God? Are we talking about God? Isn't that what I wanted? To be just like Chris, totally fucking insensitive and not caring? Do you see how this both perfectly works out for you, and yet not at all? 

He was funny. I feel... immune to this. To the way I think this should feel. 

I feel... immune? To the way "I think" this should feel?  You paid attention to how you felt. You thought that meant avoiding bad or impure things. It's because you cared about you felt. Is the care and the feeling two different things? 

care (n.)

Old English caru, cearu "sorrow, anxiety, grief," also "burdens of mind; serious mental attention," in late Old English also "concern, anxiety caused by apprehension of evil or the weight of many burdens," from Proto-Germanic *karō "lament; grief, care" (source also of Old Saxon kara "sorrow;" Old High German chara "wail, lament;" Gothic kara "sorrow, trouble, care;" German Karfreitag "Good Friday;" see care (v.)).  https://www.etymonline.com/word/care

"Do you care?" That's what I asked him. That was the big moment. Why those words? 

FUCK ME ETYMOLOGY. 

Why do you demand after you get your wish?

Because I am Demanda. 

Worthy of love. Not needing to demand it. 

 

 

 

Edited October 7, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! I'm also not sleeping or eating. But hey, I look great!

I like what I see. 

 

Live or evil? 

I am absolutely completely disturbed by how psychologically stable I am right now. How is this possible? 

I would facepalm, but I'm just an italicized disembodied voice. I don't have a face. Are you done objectifying yourself?

No. But at least I got a candy bar out of the deal. 

[mandyjw]

I feel jealous. I feel powerless. I feel insignificant. I feel shameful. 

 

hell (n.)

also Hell, Old English hel, helle, "nether world, abode of the dead, infernal regions, place of torment for the wicked after death," from Proto-Germanic *haljō "the underworld" (source also of Old Frisian helle, Old Saxon hellia, Dutch hel, Old Norse hel, German Hölle, Gothic halja "hell"). Literally "concealed place" (compare Old Norse hellir "cave, cavern"), from PIE root *kel- (1) "to cover, conceal, save."

The English word may be in part from Old Norse mythological Hel (from Proto-Germanic *halija "one who covers up or hides something"), in Norse mythology the name of Loki's daughter who rules over the evil dead in Niflheim, the lowest of all worlds (nifl "mist"). A pagan concept and word fitted to a Christian idiom. In Middle English, also of the Limbus Patrum, place where the Patriarchs, Prophets, etc. awaited the Atonement. Used in the KJV for Old Testament Hebrew Sheol and New Testament Greek Hades, Gehenna. Used figuratively for "state of misery, any bad experience" at least since late 14c. As an expression of disgust, etc., first recorded 1670s.

You could confess all your deepest darkest sins and desires. But no one would give a fuck. What's the difference between not giving a fuck and forgiveness? 

"It's the terror of knowing what the world is about
Watching some good friends screaming
'Let me out'
Pray tomorrow gets me higher, high
Pressure on people, people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Love, love, love, love, love
Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure"

Jealousy, like everyone is brilliant and enlightened and perfect. I see it. Except for me. 

For me.

[mandyjw]

I told him I care! And I was terrified. 

Jesus fucking Christ.

I created the whole thing, to torture myself. 

"Jesus fucking Christ" Interesting. Wasn't that the whole big insight, he said he didn't give a rat's ass and it was forgiveness and he released you, but you turned it into a whole thing?

Are we talking about Chris or Christ? Oh!!!! Just the difference is a t, which is shaped like a CROSS! FUCK ME! It's TOO FUCKING GOOD. I DEMAND THE WORLD TO SUCK MORE. I DEMAND THERE TO BE LOVE THAT CAN BE LOST. HIGH STAKES. UNFAIRNESS. SUFFERING. TORTURE. COMPULSION. 

And so it is. 

YOU SUCK!

Anything you want. 

I don't want anything. Nothin'. Nope. None of it. 

Done. 

That wasn't a wish!

We don't hear don't.

HA! You said "don't" hear don't.

What's that without the don'ts? 

We hear. Sigh... So profound. So profound I want to throw up. You're ridiculous! 

The etymology of ridiculous is funny. And Chris was funny, and you've just now started really enjoying blasphemous Jesus jokes, so what gives? Never mind, we know there's no what. Ah! Hilarious! 

fUCK ME, fUCK ME. fUUUUUCK ME. 

And that's what you were so afraid of saying. What you want and what you don't want, expressed in two words. (regular font bleeding into italicized font now) Two sides of the same coin. 

To who? 

No, what I was afraid of saying was, I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And more than that just actually just fuckin done that. 

Done.

Fucking vortex. 

Yeah, it'll suck you in. Like a whirlpool. You were saying that we suck earlier. 

Sunk cost fallacy. I suffered. I think I suffered. I think that meant something, so I will keep suffering. I think it's worth something. I BURIED MY COIN IN THE GROUND MOTHER FUCKERS! NO ONE'S TAKING THAT FROM ME. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke 19&version=NIV

"I care."  Cute. 

I HATE JESUS. THAT ARROGANT FUCK WITH ALL HIS WISDOM. I'm scared. I buried the coin in the ground. Where is the Mother, taking compassion on me for being scared? What's with the last verse in that section? JESUS CHRIST! 

Do you realize you just made yourself scared?  You just did that. Right there. When you were like, damn it, I should be scared, you made yourself actually scared, you found something scary that upset you. You did that. You still want compassion from someone else, but you. did. that. That's prior to and far, far, far better than compassion. Unless you're still sunk cost fallacy.

SUNK COST FALLACY! THE BURIED COIN. SUNK COST. Woaaaaaaah. So people be thinking, "I'm smart, I make good investments, I'm wise enough to see through sunk cost stuff, er... I hope so, kinda scared it might pass me by." And then BOOM, sunk cost. 

People be thinking? 

I BE THINKING. OK. I. I. I did it. 

https://youtu.be/jRXZkdEj7YI

All you people are the skewers of our dreams
Like the cat that collared me
Oh what I gotta say to you
We got love, don't turn it down
Turn it loud, let it build
We got a long way to go
But you gotta start somewhere

Go door to door, spread the love you got
You got the love, you get what you want
Does it matter where you get it from?
I for one don't turn my cheek for anyone
Unturn your cheek to give your love, love to grow

I did it
Do you think I've gone too far?
I did it
Guilty as charged
I did it
It was me right or wrong
I did it
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't like the Dave Matthews band. 

Who cares? 

Alright, now entirely practical. Can I pull my head out of my ass long enough to focus on my day? 

Who cares? That kind of thinking would be a sunk cost. 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Chris was a fuck up. Despicable. Ugly, I thought initially. Fat. I was serious about cross country. I could outrun him by minutes. A boy I could outrun. Ugh. 

Then at some point toward the end of the season I tolerated him. He totally just didn't fucking care about anything, everything was an enormous joke to him, no shame. One race I was with my friend and we were far behind the coach. He decided it would be fun to pick me up and carry me off. I have been sheltered from everything, and any experience where I might have casual physical contact with boys my age. I remember being worried about running into a classmate in the hall. He was a friend, but I never really liked him, was always disgusted by him, with the same name, and the last name Needy. I thought that he might get me pregnant from running into me or something. Even though I knew it was insane. My parents really should have taken me to a psychologist. Now we have them in schools for kids. Society is doing better. Anyway. 

So the other Chris swings me over his shoulder, like scary quick and I end up having to grab him and wrap my arms around him to stay from falling on my head. And it's just hilarious to him, and I try to punch him and get him to put me down, and I yell, and I'm not really finding it funny, and he thinks this is all the better. Eventually he puts me down. I'm too good for this shit. 

So it gets later in the season. We are on a really long bus trip, everyone sits in the back of the bus. He seriously disgusted me most of the time. Most of my initial feelings toward him were complete disgust. He would exfoliate his feet on the bus. ?? In my family, my Dad has a foot aversion. Everyone in the house got toenail fungus except me, for some strange reason. I never got it. Still, you'd be yelled at for putting your feet up on things, and my sister got yelled and shamed and so to avoid this I always wore socks, because I felt like feet were something to be ashamed of. Like this was my problem for having feet, not my dad's. 

So on one trip, Chris grabs my leg and drags me forward so I end up stuck between the bus seat and the floor. And he rips off my shoe and sock and gives me an elaborate foot massage. Again I'm stuck, no option to fight. It was very strange. And the entire time, the peanut gallery is my friend who happens to be the adopted daughter of the detective who my mother went to to turn in the person who Chris was related to, and he's the reason our families have this huge tension between. She finds our interactions wildly entertaining. I wasn't allowed to like him. And he doesn't know this, or fucking care. He is just fun, SO frigging much fun. Crossing boundaries cause you don't care kind of fun. 

At some point, it hit me, can't eat, can't sleep in love. After this, just misery for months. After my confrontation months later, and the confession that I care, and his that he didn't, he transferred to another school closer to his house. I liked him because he didn't care, and I hated him because he didn't care. I dreamed about him continually until the awakening. 

There were a few lighthearted exchanges in the years passing, him picking up the lost shoe of another runner, and giving it to me because he was sick of carrying it. I ran ahead and gave it to its owner. Slow boys at cross country races. Bleh. 

It's so fucking ridiculously perfect. I couldn't have written it better myself. 

You did. So what did we learn. What was the surprise? You know this story well. What's new?

He disgusted me. Completely disgusted me. I don't think I ever got over it. 

 

Edited October 7, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

What's the difference between love and disgust? (What the fuck kind of question is that?) 

All these people I've obsessively loved and hated, I can't hold them all in my mind at the same time. I even have a very light sort of strangely jealous, obsessive love for some lady in school administration. I mean... what the hell. BETH, YOU FUCKING BITCH in your giant SUV, DRIVING LIKE A MAN, I actually have a crush on you, or... something. Our last meeting, I mean damn... you were good. Like, damn. lady. I want what you have. 

You can't hold them, in mind at all. 

I already don't give a rat's ass. 

I think that there has been something, my greatest gift and my greatest downfall. That's how quickly I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong.

Oh, that's total bullshit! You believe that you are quickly willing to admit that you're wrong. Is that right, or wrong? 

Oh fuck off!  Oh GOD!

All my pride is my shame. 

 

[mandyjw]

Hey guys, guess what? Things and people and circumstances don't make you happy! 

immanent (adj.)

"indwelling, remaining within, inherent," 1530s, via French immanent (14c.) or directly from Late Latin immanens, present participle of immanere "to dwell in, remain in," from assimilated form of in- "into, in, on, upon" (from PIE root *en "in") + Latin manere "to dwell" (from PIE root *men- (3) "to remain"). In medieval philosophy contrasted with transitive; later with transcendent. Related: Immanently. https://www.etymonline.com/word/immanent

Which means when we feel bad about something, it's not the thing that we think is causing it, it's the thought about it. The feeling is the guidance that the thought is not in accordance with... cord=heart. 

accord (v.)

early 12c., "come into agreement," also "agree, be in harmony," from Old French acorder "agree, be in harmony" (12c.), from Vulgar Latin *accordare "make agree," literally "be of one heart, bring heart to heart," from Latin ad "to" (see ad-) + cor (genitive cordis) "heart" (used figuratively for "soul, mind"), from PIE root *kerd- "heart." Compare concord, discord. Related: Accorded; according.

It's not in accordance with the center of who you really are. 

https://youtu.be/H4ifSrE8iSg

Why do I feel as if I'm the only fuck up? 

"I am separate, and I'm bad and inept, and inadequate." In the strip, Calvin is "real" and Hobbes isn't, but in reality, neither are real.  

 

 

[mandyjw]

It's safe here. Sitting in the humble pie seat. You might get rejected if you sit in the seat of honor as if it belongs to you. 

I can control this situation. I reject myself. I wait for someone to say, "Hey, take the seat of honor. You don't belong down there!" But they never come. Because it's my fucking party, my table.  My pride is my shame. My shame is my pride. 

It doesn't matter what seat you sit in. 

The house next door. I have dreams about the house next door. Mildred, she was in the nursing home when we moved in, and died a few years later. She was crazy according to my neighbors. The Jehovah's witnesses said she was really nice. Wouldn't trust either of them. Her name means "strength, from the marsh". There is a sort of wet marsh right behind the house. I love witchy creepy, fairytale like stuff like that. My Grandmother told me she was married in that house, and that I was related to Mildred. In this place you can't get away without being related to everyone some how. There was a boy who had a crush on me all through grade school. I didn't want to deal with it, so I tried to tell him we were cousins. He checked with his mom and reported back that it was too distant to be a problem. 

The house is empty. Now, there's just this incessant beeping alarm going off. I only hear it when I walk by, thankfully. They didn't even check on it this year. With real estate going crazy, still, no one cares. It's a real eye sore, the whole community is improving and yet this house is just left to rot. But it's also kind of uniquely beautiful. A little creepy. I SO want to see inside it. I keep having dreams of what it would be like. 

I don't know what this has to do with anything. 

Apparently I'm a controlling bitch. Apparently the Bible was right and wives must submit. Apparently appearances are an appearance. 

appear (v.)

late 13c., "come into view," from stem of Old French aparoir, aperer "appear, come to light, come forth" (12c., Modern French apparoir), from Latin apparere "to appear, come in sight, make an appearance," from ad "to" (see ad-) + parere "to come forth, be visible; submit, obey," which is of uncertain origin; de Vaan says from a PIE *prh-o- "providing." Of persons, "present oneself," late 14c. Meaning "seem, have a certain appearance" is late 14c. Related: Appeared; appearing.

Source, you be fucking with me. 

In my husband's parents church which they built with all their money, they used to sing this song, "Obedience is my very best friend, it shows that you believe." It made me want to fucking explode and break things.

https://youtu.be/_5Bvb5L14Zo

Last night I was talking with him and I made some parody of it, and I can't remember what it was. 

obey (v.)

c. 1300, obeien, "carry out the commands of (someone); submit to (a command, rule, etc.); be ruled by," from Old French obeir "obey, be obedient, do one's duty" (12c.), from Latin obedire, oboedire "obey, be subject, serve; pay attention to, give ear," literally "listen to," from ob "to" (see ob-) + audire "listen, hear" (from PIE root *au- "to perceive"). Same sense development is in hiersumnian, the Old English word for the same thing. 

    

[mandyjw]

I want to release fear. My mind keeps spinning that it is more special than others. Or less special than others. I'm afraid of myself, afraid of my own thoughts. I'm not. I thought that pain and discomfort was something outside me, something I had to avoid, but it's already inside me, there is no outside. I thought that I needed others to make me happy, but again, happiness in no other is already inside me. I've been so fake in relating to people, scared I could hurt them, not realizing I was protecting myself covering up my own hurt, and thiers too. I am guilty and I am innocent. I am neither.  I Am in no sense. 

[mandyjw]

Still don't feel like eating much at all. I keep feeling disgusting in my stomach and then cried a couple times and felt better. But it comes back so quickly. 

What did we learn about disgusting?

It's love. 

No, and... yes.

I feel like I've gone back to the time period I was in 6th- 8th grade. I remember deciding that I needed to confess to my mother, basically that when I was kid I did the "I show you mine if you show my yours thing." I was sooo fucking ashamed. I felt I couldn't feel better until I confessed. I made myself so horribly miserable I got ill. I was sick for about a week, and I ended up sleeping most of the day, except for school. I lost a ton of hair after. I confessed to her, and she was like "ok." 

I thought that I'd feel good and pure and if I could remain good and pure. This took a lot of work. 

I'd do anything to destroy it. To burn the whole facade down. Fuck the priest I'm supposed to confess to. Bare myself for the shame of baring myself. 

bare (adj.)

Old English bær "naked, uncovered, unclothed," from Proto-Germanic *bazaz (source also of German bar, Old Norse berr, Dutch baar), from PIE *bhoso- "naked" (source also of Armenian bok "naked;" Old Church Slavonic bosu, Lithuanian basas "barefoot"). Meaning "sheer, absolute" (c. 1200) is from the notion of "complete in itself."

bare (v.)

"make bare, uncover," Old English barian, from bare (adj.). Related: Bared; baring.

The very first time I saw through my shitty thoughts and cried was in Baring. 

But the façade is my face. It's me. I cannot destroy myself. 

"You cannot see my face and live." 

God made the first "your face" joke. And I thought it was terrifying. 

I keep thinking about my chair. It came from the house next door, my mom bought it at a yard sale back when they came back sometimes in the summers. It's a Windsor chair, and the original tag is still on the bottom of the seat, I decided to stain it and where the boards are split in the chair, paint flowers growing out of the crack over the stain, and maybe some light rays so someone could remove it if they want. 

  shame (n.)

Old English scamu, sceomu "feeling of guilt or disgrace; confusion caused by shame; disgrace, dishonor, insult, loss of esteem or reputation; shameful circumstance, what brings disgrace; modesty; private parts," from Proto-Germanic *skamo (source also of Old Saxon skama, Old Norse skömm, Swedish skam, Old Frisian scome, Dutch schaamte, Old High German scama, German Scham). The best guess is that this is from PIE *skem-, from *kem- "to cover" (covering oneself being a common expression of shame).

It's a fucking SCAM! 

[mandyjw]

Taken from something I wrote in another thread,

What we don't like shows us what we do like. So if we're stuck in a reaction of dislike we won't identify what's there that we do like. 

Pride and shame are the same. So you think you're pretty great. Then you look up at the stars on a clear night and your mouth falls open. There's no fucking way you'd top that or even want to. But think about it again, you are the seer of the stars. The light of consciousness trumps the wonder of the light that traveled millions of miles from those stars to earth. That's how fucking awesome you are. Your pride is your shame. Your shame is your pride. Who sits around judging which stars are bigger than others? He don't know. He might just be close to some and far from others. The winner doesn't select. The winner takes it all. Is taking stealing, being entitled to? Or is taking acceptance?

I was listening to music I listened to when I was 11 or 12. A certain song came to mind by Abba that I liked inexplicably. Then they played on of thier greatest hits. 

This website. https://www.etymonline.com/

I'm in love. Completely, totally smitten. Take me, take me now! 

take- OED calls take "one of the elemental words of the language;" take up alone has 55 varieties of meaning in that dictionary's 2nd print edition. Basic sense is "to lay hold of," which evolved to "accept, receive" (as in take my advice) c. 1200; "absorb" (take a punch) c. 1200; "choose, select" (take the high road) late 13c.; "to make, obtain" (take a shower) late 14c.; "to become affected by" (take sick) c. 1300.

 

https://www.etymonline.com/columns/post/superstitious-understanding 

If I was God would I stand under the stars or in the midst of them? Well, I wouldn't hafta choose. 

Likewise take means both to accept, receive and to take. Take it! Take it! The winner takes it all. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Mom posted a picture of me, my dad and my sister on a mountain when I was about that age. The weird thing is, our feet are enormous in the photo. I fell in love with this song as a kid. It's kinda dumb, but something about it, man, that just got me. 

https://youtu.be/4SfqvgiwMtw

Obviously it's about pioneering. 

pioneer (n.)

1520s, "one of a party or company of foot soldiers furnished with digging and cutting equipment who prepare the way for the army," from French pionnier "foot-soldier, military pioneer," from Old French paonier "foot-soldier" (11c.), extended form of peon (see pawn (n.2)). Figurative sense of "a first or early explorer, person who goes first or does something first" is from c. 1600. Related: Pioneers.

What is it with feet?

sabotage (n.)

1907 (from 1903 as a French word in English), from French sabotage, from saboter "to sabotage, bungle," literally "walk noisily," from sabot "wooden shoe" (13c.), altered (by association with Old French bot "boot") from earlier savate "old shoe," from the same source (perhaps Persian ciabat) that also produced similar words in Old Provençal, Portuguese, Spanish (zapata), Italian (ciabatta), Arabic (sabbat), and Basque (zapata).

I seem to be caught somewhere in between not being willing to pioneer for others and wanting permission to do anything. 

permission (n.)

"leave, sanction; the act of allowing," early 15c., permissioun, from Old French permission and directly from Latin permissionem (nominative permissio) "a giving up, a yielding; permission," noun of action from past-participle stem of permittere (see permit (v.)).

I seem to be caught between others and wanting. 

I was SO mad. So jealous. We were good friends, and she went to a different highschool. I went to the one I chose knowing no one. I pioneered my way through, made a group of friends. She showed up one day after freshman year, having made the wrong choice of schools. And all the people whose attention I wanted fell in love with her instantly. It made it easy to pioneer a new lunch table, plopping myself right in the middle of Christ and his friends.

I just wrote Christ instead of Chris. 

I didn't though. I creeped over there. I was shy. 

Are you a foot soldier? Are you on orders from another?

I ask myself permission for everything. I use my intuition as some sort of greater inspiration. What? Ok, I'm tired up in the middle of the night. I meant to write that I use it as some sort of greater guidance. Authority. I look to others to feel ok. 

Are you ever first? 

I wrote a bunch of stuff on my dream board. When I came down my eyes were drawn to one thing. Take the kids to NYC. This scares me. My parents never took me places, I went there scared shitless as a young 20 something. I feel like I need to protect them.

I feel like I need to protect myself. 

When do we wait to do what we really want? When we feel so bad, there's no other option? When someone gives us permission and tells us it's a good idea? When someone goes first? 

You cannot be first. Or you are always, always first. Take it. 

PAPER PLANES. IMMIGRANTS! 

I'm I Grant

I adore The Weeknd, a lot of his songs have been synchronistic for me. This, his newest song is playing on the radio. Publicly. Everywhere And it's about...

How is that even allowed?

Everything is permissible. I guess it always has been. 

How ironic. PAUL said that. PAUL. http://web.mit.edu/jywang/www/cef/Bible/NIV/NIV_Bible/1COR+6.html

 

[mandyjw]

Ok, so everything is permissible, this is really the beauty of it... You can think any fuckin shit you want. Think the worst thoughts ever. And you don't need to believe it. It's the "I cannot go there" "I cannot think that" that latches onto it, trying to resolve it, perpetuating it. I love you! I hate you. I am inappropriate. So when looking up etymology, just like with life, you can't look up an "in" word. You have to look up the positive form of it. 

appropriate (v.)

early 15c., "take possession of, take exclusively," from Late Latin appropriatus, past participle of appropriare, adpropriare "to make one's own," from Latin ad "to" (see ad-) + propriare "take as one's own," from proprius "one's own" (see proper). Related: Appropriated; appropriating.

appropriate (adj.)

"specially suitable, proper," early 15c., from Latin appropriatus, past participle of appropriare "make one's own" (see appropriate (v.)). Related: Appropriately; appropriateness.

Never fails to not disappoint.

 

Edited October 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I feel really bad. Feels like walls are closing in. Like I'm demonizing or too good for or deeming myself obsessive by doing anything I think is a solution. Because there is no solution. I'm feeling. No one feels bad. When they feel bad, they're really feeling.

Whatever.

Do I think if I can feel bad enough I can release this stuff? Feel bad. 

Woah, I just noticed something I wanted. The dream board is working.

courage (n.)

c. 1300, corage, "heart (as the seat of emotions)," hence "spirit, temperament, state or frame of mind,"from Old French corage "heart, innermost feelings; temper" (12c., Modern French courage), from Vulgar Latin *coraticum (source of Italian coraggio, Spanish coraje), from Latin cor "heart" (from PIE root *kerd- "heart").

???

Is this the end of going to anyone for emotional support?

What thoughts didn't resonate in that conversation?

Greg. I hate that fucking asshole. And I'm jealous that she loves him. I'd like to love someone like that. I feel disliked. Insignificant. 

You don't hate him. You love him. You're afraid of him. You hate that you believe that hates you. So you called for support and you got more evidence of why you need it but no support? 

Yup. I don't know what to do. I can't make myself love someone. I already love him. I am unpleasable. 

What do you want?

I want to teach. Damn. I had a dream about that. I was really fucking brilliant, and I didn't realize that. Woah. Woah. I've done this before, tried to feel better by teaching. I have to stay here spinning my wheels. Wallowing in my own shit. 

No, you didn't try to feel better through teaching, you actually were focusing on other people's pain to veil you're own. And it didn't go so well. Why do you think this is coming up right now? As you know, you aren't feeling bad, and this isn't gaslighting. Here you are, your friend couldn't help you. You are unhelpable. Congratulations, you are unhelpable! 

I'm a lost cause?

You were never caused. How then, could you be lost? 

cause (v.)

late 14c., "produce an effect," also "impel, compel," from Old French causer "to cause" (13c.) and directly from Medieval Latin causare, from Latin causa "a cause; a reason; interest; judicial process, lawsuit," which is of unknown origin. Related: Caused; causing. Classical Latin causari meant "to plead, to debate a question."

Oh! Oh! "My happiness is not caused by... circumstances, people, conditions, situations, etc."

Happiness is not caused. That's so much simpler to say. 

This isn't working anymore. 

It never did. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

*Napoleon Dynamite sigh....* I'm not sure this was a good idea. I think we've talked about this before.

Good is an idea itself. What is really good comes before ideas. You think you know me, we've talked... before?

No one else would put up with your bullshit you know.

And who puts up with yours'?

Touché. You know, I'm not supposed to be entertaining the idea of separate selves, and yet here I am publicly talking to one. Complete devilry. 

suppose (v.)

early 14c., "to assume as the basis of argument," from Old French suposer "to assume" (13c.), probably a replacement (influenced by Old French poser "put, place") of *suppondre, from Latin supponere "put or place under; to subordinate, make subject," from assimilated form of sub "under" (see sub-) + ponere "put, place" (past participle positus; see position (n.)). Meaning "to admit as possible, to believe to be true" is from 1520s.

Suppose means think. "I'm supposed." Damn. Who would have thought?

Who would have supposed?

I'm not feeling how I'd like to be feeling. 

Everything you want I instantly give you. I mean... it's yours. But you don't want it instantly, and so instantly, you've got it. The best of both worlds. So I ask, what do you want? 

Nearly everything I read is shit. I bought a few books and I get them and I'm like yeeeeah, fuck that. Many conversations are similarly disappointing. 

Is this like that time you thought you'd discovered all the good music there was and would ever be when you were like 13? Adorable. Imagine if you listened to the same old music all the time. Eating, sleeping, 24/7. Now imagine how great yet maybe at first, unsettling, silence would seem.

That's how thoughts seem. Reading, talking, writing, the thoughts seem heavy, disappointing, unsatisfactory, like drudgery. 

What effort? Effort to run away from something unwanted? Are you aware of how you feel or beware of how you feel. 

Beware. I'm afraid of feeling crappy. So I thought that the company of people I love and people are are unique made me happy. What was really going on there?

They are so interesting and compelling to you, that you use them as an excuse to become aware. You aren't thinking your circularly swirling plugged toilet water thoughts then. There's power behind it. It's the VORTEX, not a plugged toilet. 

Ok, so why do people I really want to spend time with and have a great time with seem to make me anxious?

Because then you starting thinking you're a ware. You aren't a ware. You don't need to care so much about how they value your wares. You're aware. 

Ware rhymes with care! 

ware (n.)

"manufactured goods, goods for sale," Old English waru "article of merchandise," also "protection, guard," hence probably originally "object of care, that which is kept in custody," from Proto-Germanic *waro (source also of Swedish vara, Danish vare, Old Frisian were, Middle Dutch were, Dutch waar, Middle High German, German ware "goods"), from PIE root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for."

Usually wares, except in compounds such as hardware, earthenware, etc. Lady ware was a jocular 17c. euphemism for "a woman's private parts" (but sometimes also "male sex organs"), and Middle English had ape-ware "deceptive or false ware; tricks" (mid-13c.).

ware (v.)

"to take heed of, beware," Old English warian "to guard against, beware; protect, defend," from Proto-Germanic *warō (source also of Old Frisian waria, Old Norse vara), from PIE *waro- "to guard, watch," suffixed form of root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for."

BEWARE EVERYBODY, I'M A WARE. But no one ware it like me. This is really starting to ware on me. 

Just drop the e and what do you have? 

I thought I was cheap wares. Huh. 

There's no such thing as cheap wars. Always expensive. And no one ever wins. You're very high maintenance when you're a ware. Especially if you think you're worthless.

 I like to own source, I want to be responsible for other's connection to source. 

How is "responsible" working out for you!

It's not. 

It's the same thing, the beware, a ware, thing. You cannot be aware, if you're afraid and when you get afraid and have to deliver, you're a ware. 

You know, you should start a blog. 

I couldn't do it without you. 

I feel like that's supposed to be bad or wrong, did I write that or did you write that? Oh wait.  I think I really wanted to be told that, I couldn't do it without you. Like there was some sort of ghost waiting to be told that before she would leave and stop haunting the damn place. Like I wanted to believe I was bad for having manifest, having stepped into... it. 

Are you a ghost or are you manifest?

Neither. 

You keep trying to make have your cake and eat it too into a problem. 

Why does attention feel good?

Because it borrows awareness from Awareness, someone is aware of you and they... "Like what they see." Awareness is aligned. Then you go and think it's because you are a ware. And you objectify yourself again. "At least I got a candy bar out of the deal." You use them as an excuse to feel how you really feel about yourself. That's a lot of effort, and mental gymnastics to end up where you never left. 

I'm doing it write now. I mean right now. I'm thinking about how I need other people's attention. But also I don't want it, because, well, that email someone sent me yesterday. He definitely thought I was a ware. 

I lie to myself. I realized the extend of this recently, eh I'm lying again. I lie, I keep my own perception of myself clean, hidden. I like to entertain. I say I'm doing it for others, but I do it for me. I can't see me. I try to see me how I'd like, so I have to cover over the rest. What would happen if I wrote everything I thought? You couldn't do it fast enough. Really, I couldn't do it fast enough? You have to slow thought to write. Oh. Damn. Don't think about that. Don't think about that, I can't think about that because I have to think slow to type. Oh. Damn. That's how this works. Ok, so when I write, it's chosen potential. It's like, done. But when I think especially without a clearly formed thought that has formed into the English language, it's still potential. Not free potential but more potential than a singularity. Then no thought would be pure potential. Aligned thought is  (not two), and no thought is a (not two), but vague or unexpressed thought seems to be split. 

Is it ever though? No. So I feel better by meditating, as long as I can, or by journaling and sloooowing thought out and making it manifest. 

Ok, so feeling guilty for being a body (I AM NOT THAT, sorry Nissargadatta, God, that's fuckin ironic), but I'm neither formless nor form so I seem split but I'm not.

Just like Dr.P's tree. 

Singularity does not mean what I thought it meant. Every moment is a singularity. God I'm dumb. Proclaiming that you're dumb, is dumb, because it means mute or silent. You sort of learned this in grade school, dummy. However, dumb and not expressing or aligning thought might be related. You get what you refuse to accept. 

Sort of like the time I was too scared to ask about electron configuration in class because I should have known it so I waited days until after I failed the quiz to ask to get taught the basics again. I was embarrassed to ask for help. 

Damn, that lead me right back to this. It feels like I'm finally receiving the gift I've been given receiving the teachings but then I think I've fallen into need, and so I pale in comparison to teacher. 

"I pale in comparison to teacher?" You love your ghosts. I mean it though... you love your ghosts. Fallen into need. You're desperately trying to shake need so much that you need. Don't beware, Aware. You're Aware. 

comparison (n.)

mid-14c., "equal, match, resemblance, similarity," from Old French comparaison "comparison" (12c.), from Latin comparationem (nominative comparatio), noun of action from past participle stem of comparare "make equal with, liken, bring together for a contest," from com "with, together" (see com-) + par "equal" (see par (n.)).

From late 14c. as "act of putting two things together and regarding them as equal," also "act of comparing."

This is adorable. 

People are key to your expansion. They bring lots of contrast to your awareness, they bring lots of things you want but were ignoring before. Jealousy and deciding you're unworthy totally refuses the gift in this. You refuse the gift and then wonder why you're needy, and then you refuse that too. 

I don't know if I should continue to journal publicly, people assume things about me. 

Why do you have a problem with people becoming obsessed with you, wanting something from you, assuming you are a certain way, yet never really seeing you in the light with which you know they want to see you? 

Because I do exactly that? How do I get out of this plugged toilet spinning? Unplug the toilet? Do you have a plunger? 

I AM A GODAMN PLUNGER. 

Oh right, sorry, not recognizing the gift again.