I Am Losing It And Motivation

[Huz]

I have been following Leo for a year and a bit and there have been periods where I implement habits but i fall of track but I have stuck with meditation and been meditating on average 1-2 hours a day for 6 months. Sometimes I would spends most of a day meditating for weeks (i think it was due to being a recluse). I suffered from a weak ego, which always compares myself to my family members (I am the youngest by far), who are making money, doing creative things, travelling, and living a fun life. And I idolise them. I have lost initiative because I let my older members in family walk all over me and tell me what to do, how to behave and act. And this makes me socially anxious because my self image doesn't like being walked over so I avoid people. And I have lied to a lot of people in the past to make this "cool" self image "real". I had a tough childhood (beaten at school, a lot of shouting, fights, throwing glass, bullied).

However, I do acknowledge the amazing circumstances I have been brought up in and the oppotunites my parents have given me, it makes me feel guilty that i feel this sad when in retrospect my life shouldn't have anything to complain about at the moment.. I been doing enlightenment work because I saw it as a way to escape from the ego and end suffering, so i reclused from life for the past 6 months staying at home trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do. But I have seen that I have been using this as an excuse for avoidance and escaping my life. I also created spiritual dogmatism around it and get pissed at people who disagree with me. All these feelings come and go but I am feeling it hard now. I am also scared of intimacy because my previous relationships have been fuelled with low-self esteem but i see other people having success with women and when i do i get these reactions in me which make me lonely and the need for companionship.

Also, I had a tough time tackling bulimia and thought i conquered it but recently i have done it a couple of times. And my addictions to porn, TV, youtube fluctuate. I get these urges to start smoking, drinking and just doing drugs again but i am just using brute force not too. And I have started to feel suicidal again after a year and recent breakdowns of anxiety and fear. I feel like I am losing all the work i have done because things where going well (health and work) but i feel like i am back to square one. Maybe this consiousness work is bringing up all this junk within my mind. Or maybe this post is a way for my to procrastinate and to get people to feel sorry for me. I dunno

At the moment I cant find the motivation to do anything. I study maths and physics and I want to do a PhD in cognitive neuroscience and spend time trying map consiousness to science in some way (i have no idea weather this is authentic, but when i came across this idea i felt very happy but my mind/ego was involved a lot of how this can make my life interesting and accepted by people - I think my ego wants to be like Leo and the success and impact he has had on people). But i dunno what to do where to start and my self image doesn't agree with this, constantly hindering my work at uni because it wants this "cool" life like people in my family who are having fun, parties, relationships, sex, being creative, making money etc.  And now i feel people who are in my family don't really see this as path (for a PhD) noble or a worthy and now it is becoming less appealing to see through.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Huz

[Prabhaker]

If you can change your work into meditation, that’s the best thing. Then meditation is never in conflict with your life. Whatsoever you do can become meditative. Meditation is not something separate; it is a part of life. It is just like breathing: just as you breathe in and out, you meditate also.

And it is simply a shift of emphasis; nothing much is to be done. Things that you have been doing carelessly, start doing carefully. Things that you have been doing for some results, for example, money ... That’s okay, but you can make it a plus phenomenon. Money is okay and if your work gives you money, good; one needs money, but it is not all. And just by the side if you can reap many more pleasures, why miss them? They are just free of cost.
You will be doing your work whether you love it or not, so just bringing love to it you will reap many more things which otherwise you would miss.
Anyone engaged in creative work can make their livelihood a meditation. 

[Huz]

Death feels really appealing to me. What's the point of all this stuff. Life - death is the end of all suffering and it would be like I never existed. Just what's the fucking point

[Alex K]

I feel we are very alike. 

Describe how do you meditate -> maybe experienced people in here can see there is some major improvements in technique because in my understanding 6 month meditating for an hour a day should bring stability into not taking death thoughts seriously.

My smart friend gave me simple reasoning behind going on with living -> we ARE dead for 99.9999% of the time of this universe existence, why not use at least somehow that 0.0001%? You can always be dead.

Edited October 9, 2016 by Alex K

[Azrael]

Brother, listen.

I was in a similar state of mind this year for about 6 months. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing that happened was that my mind began racing, negative thought patterns would come up, emotions were triggered. I would get up and do my daily stuff and I was in constant fear all the time. I was in fear when I met people on the street, I was in fear when I went to university, I was in fear even when I was home alone because I thought that my family and friends thought bad of me (...which of course they don't - at least not in such a dramatic way one spins it.)

My meditation was basically me sitting while being screamed at by my inner stream of thoughts. I briefly had moments of silents or peace. These 6 months were covered with 3 major awakenings that I had which mostly resulted in 1 week of bliss per awakening and then the terror would even worsen. In the last weeks I would sit in the bus and my head would be spinning scenarios of me killing myself (and I'm not at all, not even fucking remotely suicidal, never was) but it just felt very good to spin these scenarios. That this happened made me then even sicker, that I thought about this.

It was all very twisted and I was totally lost.

This had to happen to purge my whole childhood / youth drama out of my brain. I knew that this was happening at the time - but still it didn't really help because it was so bad. And I would be having all of this while becoming more and more aware of how I was one with the universe. My awareness expanded a lot in this time which is in retrospect the reason why I felt so shitty. It shined light on so much neurosis that was covered in the dark that it just needed time to burn out all of this shit.

So, how do you go about it?

Look Matt Khan videos and begin to reconnect with your shadow, your inner child. Don't deny one side of yourself as being bad and responsible for this fuck-up, but see it as a little five year old inside of you who is completely lost and makes you crazy. How do you talk to a five year old? You say that you're sorry that he has to go through such deep and transforming times. You say that your are sorry what happened to him in the past and that your only wish is to make him happy and enlighten him. Actually, really say this to yourself on a daily basis and come in contact with all of this emotional baggage - not trying to get away from it, but care about it. You'll see, it'll magically dissolve because you stop resisting it.

Build a daily routine. Sleep 7-8 hours, eat regularly, take a shit, take a daily walk, see nature at least once a day, and don't meditate too much and too hard in times when you are completely off. Meditation is great and you should still be doing it daily, but if you don't even have the power to handle yourself, you don't wanna make you bleed out faster. Take your time. In my worst times I did 30 minutes of a Daoist breathing meditation.

Do your HoloSync. You do that, right? This will probably solve most of your problems very fast. Give it some time, but it did and does wonders for me. I love it.

Do sports once a week. This is extremely important. If you are not a sporty guy, do at least once a week 10 push-ups. That could be a start. You wanna get rid of all this adrenalin that builds up. I did swimming for two years once a week, now I do a workout with a kettle-bell.

Give in on some old ruts. If you wanna smoke, eat some ice cream, watch netflix marathons, do that. You are not in the position right now to work all of these out and thats fine. I binge on way to much stupid shit as for example very delicious spicy food, cigarettes, drugs, whatever I want. I would not restrict myself because I trust my intuition fully. From time to time it kicks one of these old ruts out just naturally. I'm just making sure I'm feeding it with more and more awareness, the rest happens for me automatically. Also, way more important then living the healthy vegan-yoga-idealistic lifestyle is that you accept your desires, find your authenticity and root yourself in that. Then no problem or habit can even remotely bug you. You can consciously cut on those things (if you want) when you have the power and inspiration to do so, not when you are carrying this heavy corpse around every day that is sad and unmotivated. This leads just to disaster.

Stay at home if you like or connect with some friends here and there that give you good vibes and just follow through on that.

In reality, all of this takes some time but eventually will make you the most rooted, clear-thinking and on-point person that you can think of. Keep remembering what I said in my shrooms post: All pain simply comes from the fact that at some point you started to believe your own story. And if I read your story, I see that you do that a lot and suffer from that. Now, probably this is all happening automatically and you can't do nothing about it. It was for me at that time. That's fine. Nature sometimes just wants to be in deep, deep pain so that the fun after it is even way better. Nature is a beast, trust me.

And lastly, if it gets too hard, you can always write me. You know that. I help you man. Peace will come and knowing as well. In retrospect to my own fuck-up purging time: I am now as authentic, confident, happy and rooted in what I do more then ever in my life. I have to this point experienced every possible emotion I can think of in every extreme, from the complete non-duality of things to the worst nightmares of fear and anxiety. I am so intimately bounded to me as an individual that nothing normal can really shock me any more, because I went through all of it. And you will be, too.

So in the end this builds the most important and intimate foundation you could ever ask for. You just don't know it yet. So, cheer up. Nature is just building your strongest version and this needs some transformation.

Cheers

[rogi 97]

if you want to be  enlightened watch this

nuff said. this solved everything here maybe it will help you also 

[Huz]

Thanks guys so much for all your support. This has been so helpful. Like really fucking helpful and i am so grateful for your advice. All these comments have helped so much. I see how I am clinging to my world view and my "problems" like a fucking cat holding on to string. 

@Azrael I am going to print out that post and read it every time I feel down. Its all about surrender. And learning to enjoy the times in which you feel shit. A bit of a Laissez Faire attitude.

Leo's video this week was the most uncanny timing and watched that also with his "be FUCKING patient".

This actualising family is the best  

[Azrael]

22 minutes ago, Huz said:

Leo's video this week was the most uncanny timing and watched that also with his "be FUCKING patient".

I watched it this morning and just was like: "You fucking kidding me man, this is exactly what Huz needs right now + the same exact thing I thought about last night when I wrote the post."

[Huz]

Hahahaha 2 days ago when I was around my brothers I started doing impressions of my german shepard. Like fully running around on all fours barking and growling at my brothers mates. Even I was like "waaaaat da fuk am i doing?!?". Wouldn't have connected that to my meditation practice hehe

Edited October 9, 2016 by Huz