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Javfly33

Do you also deal with "toxic perfectionism"?

14 posts in this topic

 I struggle with being assertive at work. My work is not that bad but the management is a complete MESS so I feel I get played around a lot (Finishing work later than what I should, working on "optional" days that end up being non optional, etc...)

Lately I feel that whenever a situation arises where I think "I should step up" and I don't, I judge myself harshly, reminding me that the problem is never about other people but rather is mine.

In a sense it's true, blaming others and things robs you of responsability to change your life..

At the other hand, I feel that this self proclaimed extreme "ownership" of problems puts me in a constant pressure to "prove" myself. If anything happens at work that I feel is unfair and I don't step up, I immediately judge myself harshly and a feeling depressive "you are still not self actualizing/growing at all. Look how they play you around ! arises.

Sometimes I would just like to complain and hate the management and how they fucking abuse the  slave bee worker. But yeah, I know that if I would be assertive and confidence enough they couldn't (because the law goes in my favour). But sometimes I would just like to accept where I am at and stop judging myself for not being perfect.


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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35 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

 I struggle with being assertive at work. My work is not that bad but the management is a complete MESS so I feel I get played around a lot (Finishing work later than what I should, working on "optional" days that end up being non optional, etc...)

Lately I feel that whenever a situation arises where I think "I should step up" and I don't, I judge myself harshly, reminding me that the problem is never about other people but rather is mine.

In a sense it's true, blaming others and things robs you of responsability to change your life..

 You blame yourself becuase you have a core belief that you are worthless and that you need to change. 

35 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

At the other hand, I feel that this self proclaimed extreme "ownership" of problems puts me in a constant pressure to "prove" myself. If anything happens at work that I feel is unfair and I don't step up, I immediately judge myself harshly and a feeling depressive "you are still not self actualizing/growing at all. Look how they play you around ! arises.

I feel you man. I struggle with this too. Again, you judge yourself for doing that becuase you belive there is something wrong with you. This is due to your low self esteem.

35 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Sometimes I would just like to complain and hate the management and how they fucking abuse the  slave bee worker. But yeah, I know that if I would be assertive and confidence enough they couldn't (because the law goes in my favour). But sometimes I would just like to accept where I am at and stop judging myself for not being perfect.

Look up the term enmeshment trauma. Right now you feel like you dont have a separate self when you're with other people. You people please and manipulate the environment in order to get belonging. This is due to your childhood, where you didnt get love for who you was but for what you did. You had to mirror your parents wants and behaviors in order to receive love and belonging.


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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@SamC yeah I know it's probably related to childhood and beliefs but still that doesn't solve me anything..not exactly sure what is your message. That I should have a break ?


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

@SamC yeah I know it's probably related to childhood and beliefs but still that doesn't solve me anything..not exactly sure what is your message. That I should have a break ?

@Javfly33 The solution is in grasping what enmeshment trauma. That's the core problem as to why you're suffering from perfectionism. Understanding that spells out the solution.

You need in other words to research this yourself to fully understand it but in short, you would benefit greatly to learn how to trust yourself and come to peace with yourself + learn to set boundaries but at the same time learn to love and accept who you are for who you are. This is for example done through fragmentation work, self love/ self acceptance work, boundaries and conciousness work.

Right now you feel like you're not enough as you are and that's because your enmeshment trauma have learned you to belive that you're worthless as you are and that you need to change the person you are in order to fit in. The solution is to heal that wound that says that who you are right now, isn't enough. This means learning to love and accept all of yourself, Including that person who is scared and dont assert himself. 

If you ever wonderd why you always feel like who you are gets " destroyed " when you're with other people, here is why. You play roles to fit in becuaee you have been forced to sacrifice your own needs, wants and desires in order to get love and belonging earlier in your childhood. That's also why you're so desperately searching to assert and stand up to yourself, because that's your healing path.

Here are some good vids about the topic. Hope that helps.

 


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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1 hour ago, SamC said:

@Javfly33 

Right now you feel like you're not enough as you are and that's because your enmeshment trauma have learned you to belive that you're worthless as you are and that you need to change the person you are in order to fit in. The solution is to heal that wound that says that who you are right now, isn't enough. This means learning to love and accept all of yourself, Including that person who is scared and dont assert himself. 

Interesting. how to do that?

Since your last post got me thinking. I have started contemplating how crazy is that when I go to talk to a girl I find attractive, I caugth myself havng thoughts or attitudes of "let´s go play this character to seem cool to her". Because I cant see how being "normal" could be attractive.

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If you ever wonderd why you always feel like who you are gets " destroyed " when you're with other people, here is why.

Nice, I used to feel that A LOT when I was socializing with people. Fortunately that has gone for good and I feel totally "myself" which honestly I´ts amazing thinking about it the massive work i´ve done to get there. However it´s true that there are still some feelings of that when particular situations that require more assertiveness arise.

Quote

because that's your healing path.

nice!


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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25 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Interesting. how to do that?

Since your last post got me thinking. I have started contemplating how crazy is that when I go to talk to a girl I find attractive, I caugth myself havng thoughts or attitudes of "let´s go play this character to seem cool to her". Because I cant see how being "normal" could be attractive.

By finding your authentic self and than learning to assert that person + to learn how to rely on yourself to capitalize on your best interest.

Besides this, to learn to accept and feel your emotions and accept yourself as you are through the methods I mentioned earlier.

Quote

Nice, I used to feel that A LOT when I was socializing with people. Fortunately that has gone for good and I feel totally "myself" which honestly I´ts amazing thinking about it the massive work i´ve done to get there. However it´s true that there are still some feelings of that when particular situations that require more assertiveness arise.

nice!

I'll be honest with you bro, I don't think you are yourself, I belive you're tricking yourself to belive that becuase you're scared to not be yourself.

I mean you said it yourself. Being normal is according to you not enough and you're scared of not asserting yourself ( not being yourself)

30 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Since your last post got me thinking. I have started contemplating how crazy is that when I go to talk to a girl I find attractive, I caugth myself havng thoughts or attitudes of "let´s go play this character to seem cool to her". Because I cant see how being "normal" could be attractive.

I know this because I know myself too well. I mean don't you also beat yourself up when yu're not yourself, stressed and non assertive/ not confident?

 


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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2 minutes ago, SamC said:

By finding your authentic self and than learning to assert that person + to learn how to rely on yourself to capitalize on your best interest.

Besides this, to learn to accept and feel your emotions and accept yourself as you are through the methods I mentioned earlier.

I'll be honest with you bro, I don't think you are yourself, I belive you're tricking yourself to belive that becuase you're scared to not be yourself.

I mean you said it yourself. Being normal is according to you not enough and you're scared of not asserting yourself ( not being yourself)

I know this because I know myself too well. I mean don't you also beat yourself up when yu're not yourself, stressed and non assertive/ not confident?

 

@SamC  Growth is not a black/white thing though.


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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23 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

@SamC  Growth is not a black/white thing though.

@Javfly33 I never said that you haven't grown or that it is black/ white. All I said was that I think you're not fully yourself becuase you still belive that that person is unacceptable.


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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15 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

At the other hand, I feel that this self proclaimed extreme "ownership" of problems puts me in a constant pressure to "prove" myself. If anything happens at work that I feel is unfair and I don't step up, I immediately judge myself harshly and a feeling depressive "you are still not self actualizing/growing at all. Look how they play you around ! arises.

That's what it's supposed to do! If there's no pressure there's no incentive to change. The idea is that some time in the future it's going to become so painful the only solution would be to act. 

There are powerful forces that keep you in place. That's survival. Maybe you fear that raising your voice might get you fired. If you're in a financially tight spot, you don't have a choice but to endure. Of course, you could always start small and just hint and see how employers react. You'd be surprised how understanding and compassionate some of them can be.

All the luck.

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15 hours ago, SamC said:

@Javfly33 I never said that you haven't grown or that it is black/ white. All I said was that I think you're not fully yourself becuase you still belive that that person is unacceptable.

15 hours ago, SamC said:

Ultimately teal swan is not awake.

Childhood memories and trauma is something that is imaginary. Actually it never happened.

 


A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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Technically nothing ever happend, so what? Take what you can, leave the rest. Don't fall into the " not enlightened enough trap". Leo is not fully awake either - yet we are both still here. 

If you have a problem, dare to consider different solutions to your problem. Here is one potential solution. Investigate the term enmeshment trauma and see if it can help you. Don't tute your horn before you even tried it. Try it and see if you can find value from it.

Or don't... you don't have to. It is simply a suggestion based on what have helped me enormously.

All love mate.

@Javfly33


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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@SamC Yeah, I know you wish the best and I actually agree emeshment trauma seems pretty solid.

But understand me, at the end of the day I'm highly skeptical of any methods or theories that tells you "you have to do this or that to fix yourself" because I've been doing self actualization for maybe more than 5 years. I've read, I've tripped, I've contemplated. At the end it seems my ego would just resurrect with another story of "not enough yet. Now I have to fix this thing or that thing".

Seems like an endless game .

So in a way techniques and theories are useful, but sometimes I just grow tired and realize I'm bullshitting myself and I know I could be myself NOW. My real me which don't have any traumas, childhood, conditionings, or bullshit. Which at the end of the day aren't we all what we are striving for.

Don't you think this kind of "healings" reinforce the ego? 

Edited by Javfly33

A thought can´t ever tell you how you feel.

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14 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

@SamC Yeah, I know you wish the best and I actually agree emeshment trauma seems pretty solid.

But understand me, at the end of the day I'm highly skeptical of any methods or theories that tells you "you have to do this or that to fix yourself" because I've been doing self actualization for maybe more than 5 years. I've read, I've tripped, I've contemplated. At the end it seems my ego would just resurrect with another story of "not enough yet. Now I have to fix this thing or that thing".

Seems like an endless game .

So in a way techniques and theories are useful, but sometimes I just grow tired and realize I'm bullshitting myself and I know I could be myself NOW. My real me which don't have any traumas, childhood, conditionings, or bullshit. Which at the end of the day aren't we all what we are striving for.

@Javfly33 Yeah I agree, letting go of the need to even be yourself. Still working through that myself. 

I misinterpreted what you meant + projected a negative narrative around not being yourself in the sense that it is wrong. I very often have tricked myself into being somewhere I have been not which by itself is based on an assumption that I still need to go somewhere. I still judge myself for not being myself.

Thanks for expanding my conciousness around this (:

Ps.

What you just said is what the enmeshment trauma concept made me realize

Edited by SamC

"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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