Fluctuating Sense of Worth and Confidence

[Joelvs]

Hello Fellows, 

I always struggled a bit with confident and self-worth. I worked a lot on it though and by now have most of the time a really high confidence, where I really enjoy myself and also in social situations. But then I got phases, where it feels like my confidence is laying bleeding on the floor. I don't enjoy any kinda social situations and just feel like I am not good enough. I feel like those phases come in various degrees and length every 2 Month or so and then at some point I suddenly start feeling very confident again. Without a particular reason, I think at least. What do you guys think is the origin of that, and how can I work on that? 

[Joelvs]

@neutralempty no has been maybe 2 years ago that I took any drugs. And do you really think its unsual? Dont seem to see so many people who have the problem, which I off course cant know 100%

[Blackbeat]

Probably consistency and getting results helps. Maybe it's the individuals you shared company with rather than the various strangers that may make you prone to social anxiety. Reckon some meditation might grant the insights you need.

[Joelvs]

@Blackbeat I feel like the thought, that the people I constantly have arround me giving me low self worth might be true. Because I dont feel very warm with the people I live with, its not bad though just not being able to be vulnerable. Cant really change it a the moment though and wonder whether I can become free of the need for social approval.. And I meditate constantly since 2 years. Or you recommend some specific type?

[Blackbeat]

Oo 2 years then, everyday I'm assuming , carry on soldier

[Joelvs]

@Blackbeat ay sir :))

[SamC]

Your fluctuating self esteem is due to you attaching your self esteem to an ideal of some sort. The root cause is that you feel like you're worthless but at the same time feel capable to achive your ideal. The problem is that the moment you feel like you're not at your ideal - you feel worthless. Your coping strategy to your self esteem is to become someone who is worthy.

Google low self esteem with perfectionism and than low self esteem with hypersensitiv narcissism and see what you can find. The solution is to work on your low self esteem.

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by SamC

[Joelvs]

@SamC yeah you are definetly right on that. And I see that I need to work on my self esteem. The question is how though. Because I know that I need to heal the feeling of just being worthy when I am at my ideal. So I will for example just feel worthy when I am seeing myself has a communicative and social person. But I dont know how to let go off that. Got any suggestions besides googling? 

[SamC]

1 hour ago, Joelvs said:

@SamC yeah you are definetly right on that. And I see that I need to work on my self esteem. The question is how though. Because I know that I need to heal the feeling of just being worthy when I am at my ideal. So I will for example just feel worthy when I am seeing myself has a communicative and social person. But I dont know how to let go off that. Got any suggestions besides googling? 

I honestly don't have the answers to that question. I'm researching this aswell. One thing I myself want to start doing however is to one by one change and challenge every belief about myself. I'm not completly sure how to go about that yet though.

Another thing that I think is super benifical is to start practicing self compassion, which is huge if you cultivate it. It takes a lot of time to develop though, but I already see some improvement a couple of months of daylie practice. I wish I had better answers but I still struggle with this - so I don't know how to go about changing low self esteem effectively yet.

I don't know if this will work, but that's my plan. Maybe you can take something from it. The key is always to test test test til something sticks.

[Aaron p]

@Joelvs might be different for other people but what helped me when my psychological problems came was this: getting angry at the pain and obsessed with healing. 

Theres nothing wrong with getting a little angry at the fact that your experiencing great pain and using the anger to defeat it, my half-mystic Christian teachers had teachings about anger and how you can have a godly anger against pain.

It really comes down to your spirit. If the pain can break your spirit, you have lost. If you, on the other hand, choose to face the pain...look it in the eye and don't hesitate. Face that shit and *decide* that it will never beat you. Boy oh boy, if you can do that and be prepared to find healing no matter what...you'll be better for it. Trust.

You can't live in fear of pain and you can't let it break you. When life gives you a pain sandwich, eat it. And after your done ask for another. Then go use the pain to become a successful fucken badass.

[Joelvs]

@SamC I did affirmations and visualisations for more self esteem and that somehow really helped. Off course paired with other things, such as a constant getting out of my comfort zone and meditation probably. And I use the affirmation of I am good enough daily for more self- compassion. How do you practice it? 

@Aaron p Hahah yeah I like that

[SamC]

4 minutes ago, Joelvs said:

@SamC I did affirmations and visualisations for more self esteem and that somehow really helped. Off course paired with other things, such as a constant getting out of my comfort zone and meditation probably. And I use the affirmation of I am good enough daily for more self- compassion. How do you practice it? 

@Aaron p Hahah yeah I like that

Self compassion work, parts work, feeling the emotions, developing self trust and setting boundaries.

It's all about learning to rely on yourself so that you can trust yourself to do what is best for you ( rely on yourself that you always take your best interest )

 

[Barbara]

@Joelvs Also watch out for self-fulfilling prophecy 

@SamC Dude... shout-out to your profile pic. I fucking love Hilma af Klint. 

Do you have any resources about her that you would like to share? I would love to read as much about her as I possibly can!

Edited February 3, 2021 by Barbara

[SamC]

@Barbara google for the documentary, beyond the visable

Agreed, klinth work is mindblowing. Thats a real life purpose right there!

[Joelvs]

@SamC Would you share how you think hypersensitiv narcissism and low self-esteem are connected? Found your hint on perfectionism quite fitting but I don't really see the narcissism one but I also didn't really found good resources

[SamC]

1 hour ago, Joelvs said:

@SamC Would you share how you think hypersensitiv narcissism and low self-esteem are connected? Found your hint on perfectionism quite fitting but I don't really see the narcissism one but I also didn't really found good resources

What hint on perfektionsim are you talking about? And where did I say they are connected? Hypersensitiv narcisism and low self esteem are connected but at the same time not connected. I don't think you are an example of high scores of hypersensitive narccissm for example. My guess is that it is the opposite. You people please in order to get approval.

You see, hyper sensitive narccissm is followed by a different kind of low self esteem which by default is paired with projecting the problem outside. People with the type of fluctuating low self esteem like i think you have do the opposite. You always look for what's wrong with yourself. ( try to fix yourself)

This happens because you always try not be wrong because you believe that who you are is wrong because you have always been forced to play a role to fit into your parents narrative. The same dynamic is now mirrored in every relationship you have. You feel " good" when you're able to be the person you think you need to be ( confident and secure) but when you fail playing that role, your confidence and self esteem bleades down on the floor. In other words, you're not authentic, alpha and confident - you're only playing that role because you think you need to play that role to get belonging and love.

The solution?

You need to learn how to assert yourself, trust yourself and set boundaries with other people. In other words you need to dare to be who you are with other people and not sacrifice yourself for relationships.

 

P.s

Your emotions, thoughts, preferences and experiences are valid - don't let someone say that it is your fault or something wrong with you. Cause there is nothing wrong with you!

Tip - watch Teal swans vids on emeshment trauma + how to develop self trust.

 

 

Love

 

Edited February 4, 2021 by SamC

[SamC]

@Joelvs forgot the tag

[Joelvs]

@SamC here: Google low self esteem with perfectionism and than low self esteem with hypersensitiv narcissism and see what you can find. The solution is to work on your low self esteem.

 Understood it as a connection betwenn those....

Anyways I get your point. Thanks for clearifing! Will have a look at those videos too.

May the wisdom be with you