How To Stop The Need For Love

[Chimp]

I’m a 25 year old guy. It’s been about a year since I had a relationship and some intimacy.

I’m doing great in all aspects of life except when it comes to attracting women and finding someone I can fall in love with. I’ve invested in getting better at this and got some surprising results in the past, but it’s not been going well lately…

I’ve been going out solo to clubs for a few times now in order to meet new people. But it always feels like I have to force myself to go out, since I don’t really enjoy going to parties late at night anymore. However if I don’t go out I feel guilty for not staying committed. Because of this I noticed that I subconsciously started to dread the weekends.

The main problem however is the following: I have this gnawing feeling in my chest that is always present but it’s intensity changes throughout the day. I’ve been living with this emotion for a year now and I can’t seem to come to grips with it. If anything it’s been getting more intense and it starts to affect other aspects of my life. A solution would be to get a new relationship, which I’m confident in that I will eventually have, but then I would be depending on someone else to stop this emotion which won’t fix the root problem. And until I have this “liberating” relationship, I’m still stuck with it.

Is it possible to completely stop the need for love so that you’d be fulfilled without a relationship or intimacy on a regular basis? I guess so, but then how do you work towards this?

Thank you for your time reading this

[FindingPeace]

17 hours ago, Chimp said:

Is it possible to completely stop the need for love so that you’d be fulfilled without a relationship or intimacy on a regular basis? I guess so, but then how do you work towards this?

Firstly like aurum said, seeing from experience the ridiculousness of 'normal' realtionships. But mostly, you need to identify what your insecurities are that are drawing you to wanting another human to accomodate and comfort those insecurities.

That knawing feeling you get whilst not being in a relationship...that's a good place to start. Really look in to that.

But also, learn to be self-sufficient. Be your own best friend, content with your own company. Learn how to find peace and happiness on your own. Find and fix your dependencies on others. Also, remember that all experiences in life are temporary. They ultimately pass in time. In fact the anticipation of an experience (like a relationship) tends to be far more intense than the experience itself. This you will learn in time, but if you want proof, just look at every experience you've had up until now. How do they make you feel in this present moment? Any different than before?

An issue with relationships is that you tend to go after them with a vision, an expectation, in your mind as to 'how it will be'. But this is a major stumbling point. Reality is rarely as we fantasize about it. And more often than not, it we spend years of our lives trying to make the reality fit our visions and expectation that we suffer the constant dissapointment when it doesn't. This is true of relationships. So be mindful what you are expecting from it. It probably won't be that way. So learn how to become accepting of reality and whatever it throws at you. Because that's all you have in the end.

[Chimp]

1 hour ago, FindingPeace said:

Reality is rarely as we fantasize about it. And more often than not, it we spend years of our lives trying to make the reality fit our visions and expectation that we suffer the constant dissapointment when it doesn't. 

I started practising pick-up (and later self-development at large) after a long relationship ended very painfully. 3 months later through becoming better with women I got into a new relationship with an amazing girl. But I had this vision of perfection in my mind (which came from the pick-up community), that made me not feel content with her so I broke the relationship off (there's some irony in there  ). Now a year later and through meeting many women and dating I realise that my unreal expectations hindered the grow of a great relationship. The only thing I can do now is to take responsibility for my decision, cheer up, keep growing and see what the future will bring

Thank you both for your wise words!

 

[Venus]

@FindingPeace but how? Where do we start?

On 10/1/2016 at 4:25 PM, FindingPeace said:

But also, learn to be self-sufficient. Be your own best friend, content with your own company. Learn how to find peace and happiness on your own. Find and fix your dependencies on others.

 

[Xpansion]

I think the first thing you need to understand is that love is not something that you get. It's not something out there that you can attain. It is within you to give to yourself and others. There is an infinite source within you that is overflowing but you have all this fear, sadness, loneliness and various other afflictive emotions that are kind of blocking you from realising it. 

That gnawing feeling is trying to tell you something. What is it?  Maybe to get out of your head and stop ignoring your heart. Begin to peel back the layers. Feel what needs to be felt so that you can reconnect with your heart.

A relationship will never bring you the lasting happiness you are craving and if you go into one before you deal with these issues it won't last anyway. Trust me on this because I am currently separating after 17 years from my partner because of very similar issues.

Start to become aware of your proliferating thoughts, the fearful stories you are running in your head on auto. Use mindfulness to bring them to your awareness. Do a heart practice to cultivate loving kindness toward yourself and others.

We are all already whole but because of the ignorance of our caregivers and society who do not understand the true nature of reality, we too have been conditioned in this same way. It's not that anyone is to blame. We are all just doing the best we can with whatever knowledge we have.  The use of the word ignorant is not meant as derogatory in the western way but just signifying their lack of awareness. 

It's good that you are beginning to see that something is not right. This is helping you to begin to awaken.    That's why you're here on this website asking for help. So be gentle with yourself like you would a child and start to cultivate mindfulness and loving kindness within your life.   If you do this you will be naturally more attractive to others anyway and when you do meet someone your relationship will be healthier.

When I went on retreat last time I felt so many intense emotions over the course of each day. I cried a fucking river ?    One day  the teacher gave this talk about heart practice.   He was talking about how important it is as part of practice.  We did a metta (loving kindness) meditation together. I just sat there and all i could feel was this intense frustration and irritation. I mentioned it to him in front of the group and other people said the same thing.  

I could have just blamed him and thought to myself that it was because he was annoying or something.  But when you're on retreat you are just right there with everything you feel and think and there is noone to blame. You have to take 100% responsibility for your own stuff.  So I was doing some dishes and I started sobbing uncontrollably.  Then I went for a walk and cried so much. I was grieving. It was like years and years of pain and sadness I had been carrying around with me and didn't even realise. When I finally stopped crying I felt a great sense of joy and then I felt this beautiful  stillness that was there all along. I remember it so vividly. The sun was setting and I noticed all the colours and I just rested in that serenity. I felt so light and I felt as though I was being held and hugged. It was a deep sense of knowing,  that everything was ok.  It was a very important insight for me to see how I had been blocking myself off in this way.  That retreat changed me profoundly. I still have a lot of pain that needs to be processed but I am on the path now.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Xpansion

[avk123]

Ok folks,

Im very intrigued by the topics in this forum that I just signed up and wanted to put my own opinion on the matter,

 

The topic of "Not needing love" is pretty radical.

We as human being are wired for love, however depends what do you mean by love ?

Are you refering to dating ? attraction ? sexual intimacy ? family love ? 

 

The word love is very broad, I hope that within the next generation human language will be able to define it.

Now in terms of dating (im assuming this is where it lies) you cannot stop your need for love .. you can believe in the need to stop needing love .. but emotionally you are wired to fullfill that gap of physical and emotional intimacy 

We have to accept this then, with Love comes disappointment and hurt, im sorry folks there is no way out of it, because even if you become an emotionless robot or stoic and you do get your access to love, guess what you wont enjoy it as much as being open to your emotions. 

 

Personally speaking, I used to do alot of pickup where it was all by the numbers for me, then when I started opening up the door of emtions I started getting more involved in every try I wanted to attract the person I wanted, yes rejection now felt ten times more painful and recovering took even more time, but guess what... you actualize get involved with that person on a deeper emotional level, giving you access to a much more profound experience. 

There is a mainstream idea in the dating world, where its all about being indepedant and being tough and all that, guess what... you want to find love you need to put your heart on the line and drop your armor... yes you may fail ... yes you will get hurt ten times fold... but the return is so much greater.

Be aware though to keep in touch with your emotions and mental awareness in order to know where your boundaries at, being open with no boundaries your asking for disaster , the question that usually rises is ... how do I know where to set the boundaries... guess whats the answer ?

 

You cant... its a thing of total uncertinty and takes a huge leap of faith ... just as with everything in life... best you can describe it as dealing with uncertainty

 

When you rise you will laugh and celebrate ... and when you fall you will cry and weep .. but make sure there are people who will help you through both because thats what humanity is all about. 

[Jared Gregory]

I have suffered from heartbreak very recently. And the way i feel and as most people do after a long relationship is perfectly natural to feel hurt. But my advice to myself and others is don't be desperate searching for someone to make you feel complete, as you get mixed results. Being around friends and positive people who have your interests at heart make you feel great

I do believe one day in the future (now) I may stumble across someone who accepts me for who i am and vice versa. Accepting and knowing that your enough is also liberating.

[Prabhaker]

On 9/30/2016 at 3:00 AM, Chimp said:

Is it possible to completely stop the need for love so that you’d be fulfilled without a relationship

First learn how to be alone. Meditation is a way of being alone.

If you can be happy when you are alone, you have learned the secret of being happy. Now you can be happy together. If you are happy, then you have something to share, to give. And when you give you get; it is not the other way. Then a need arises to love somebody.

Ordinarily the need is to be loved by somebody. It is a wrong need. It is a childish need; you are not mature. It is a child’s attitude.

Love first has to happen in the deepest core of your being. It is the quality of being alone, happily alone, joyously alone. It is the quality of being a no-mind, of being silent.

Love relates, certainly, but never becomes a relationship. Love is a moment-to-moment process. Remember it. Love is a state of your being, not a relationship. There are loving people and there are unloving people. Unloving people pretend to be loving through the relationship. Loving people need not have any relationship – love is enough.

Be a loving person rather than in a love relationship – because relationships happen one day and disappear another day. 

[avk123]

7 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

 

Ordinarily the need is to be loved by somebody. It is a wrong need. It is a childish need; you are not mature. It is a child’s attitude.

 

Wrong ? Right ? Let it be - don't let it be 

 

To OP, Just live we are all together facing our inner gremlins, we tremble , we fall, we cry.

I hope you find what your looking for in whatever cave your path is leading. 

 

 

 

[smd]

When you go out on the weekends solo, it shouldn't be forced.  Just go out on the weekend without setting any expectations.  If you set expectations that you're trying to tap sugar walls, date with the hopes of a relationship, you might not meet anyone interesting when you go out that night or it blows up in your face.  When I go out, I expect nothing in return & if something happens it's a nice surprise.  If nothing happens, then it doesn't bother me.  It used to but that was when I was setting expectations!