Road To Success & The Obstacles

[Striving for more]

slammming the fucking keyboard sounds nerdy as fuck but it's the only subtle way to release this tension

& no i'm not going to fucking masturbate that doesn't help me only make my life worse. 

 

Man even tho i'm obssessed normally with health & personal development here I want the old me back cos then at least I somewhat felt ALIVE. 

Doing cocaine & fucking a whore driving around at night playing music & shit. At least then I felt kind of ALIVE jesus fucking christ. 

I'm so dead inside right now. 

 

[Striving for more]

Exercize is bulllllllllllllllllllllshit mayn did nothing for me only raw extreme martial arts will cut it. 

At this rate i will end up one of those fight club looneys because all i was tryna do is feel alive in this BORING FUCKING WORLD BORING !!!

BORING PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET FUCK U BORING FUCKS. FUCK URSELF FUCKL

Edited February 23, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I WANT MILLLIONS IN THE FUCKING BANK FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK IT.

STAGE GREEN IS BORING I CHANGE MY MIND STANGE ORANGE TO THE FUCKING EXTREME I HAVE AN ORANGE PENIS !

BIILLLLLLINONS IN THE BANKKKKK BILLLIONS!!!!!LAfbkadfhsfasdHIOASFGJI

[Striving for more]

Ok I need therapy. 

BUT MY THERAPIST MUST BE HOT AS FUCK & AGED 18 - 35 ; )

 

[Striving for more]

HMMM UNLESS SHE'S SANDRA BULLOCK 

[Striving for more]

Read my new book, "the decline of elliot hulse part 1 ", 10,000 pages all written in latin bitchh

me siento tan loco ahora mismo chicas Y chicos tan loco necessito ponerse fluido para que peudo estoy loco en otras idomases porque ingles es tan aburrido JODER !

JODER BITCH

[Striving for more]

Ahh alcohol again refreshing so fed up of this constant persoanl development shit give me a break just dont get hungover that aint worth it sunshine

But fuck I love narcotics if only they didn't have side effects hahahaha imagine a paraell universe or we had an instant brain regeneration/hangover substance + another means to re generate all the blackout of memories lost from ther drugs or alcogol.

[Striving for more]

No I don't love narcotics, I don't hate them. 

What I really want is to be alive. Isn't that what everyone wants ultimatel

I'm so used to being alone it hurts, but it took a house arrest to realize I was loner & it aint gonna change unless I work my ass off for it. 

Fuck sake, always the unlucky one, always had to work to my ass off for eveyrthing, often to no avail. 

I want that to change, I'm an entitled fuck now, I want infinite power I want to fuck married women knowing they'll come back cos their huzza can't do the job. I want to be the man. 

& No don't put me in a box like "I'm just stage orange" you dumb black & white boxed up moron, I am every stage at once, I'm am more than human

[Striving for more]

By house arrest I mean covid hahah, the pigs aren't after me don't worry. I get it's how it is, not saying we should let people die, just saying it's house arrest that god imposed on us due to global human foolishness.

[Striving for more]

This journal is going no where for me. 

Unsure if honest self expression is even that helpful (maybe it is with a therapist/life coach) but perhaps journals should just be to track & Measure results 

This kind of anger release journal hasn't gotten me further, maybe justed wasted more time. 

I don't even need this anymore I can't be bothered. GOODBYE. 

Going to just go after everything I want instead of fucking writing about it now, time to conquer this planet, time to fuck 10,,00000 hot bitches, time to build that bank account 

Time to get trippy & become a god, time to fulfill my ego, give juice to the ego, suck my ego's dick 

[Striving for more]

FUCK EVERYTHING I SAID THIS WEEK. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. 

It always takes a loco loco outburst to realize you're just being crazy & stupid & there is hope. 

Hope & OPTIMISM is key, I have so much possiblities ahead! I am still young & have a vision. I can still manifest these dreams. 

Not everyone is toxic, there are amazing people out there. 

I don't have to die alone, I can find friendship, 

& The fucking internet, I'm a creative fucking genuis. I am the shit. Don't mean I'm better than anyone, only compare myself to myself, no more envy or insecurity, but I am the shit ! 

I am a creative genuis, & charasmitic too, I don't need be like Bill Gates, nerd with a ugly fucking wife. Fuck that guy. 

He's not that creative anyway, but elon I respect, I will be the elon of creativity, not science or physics thats really not my thing, not the mathematical type

But I am creative, as vague as it is, I am a creative genuis, creative penius 

Edited February 24, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

OK FUCK THIS JOURNAL TIME TO GO GET RICH REAL QUICK TIME 

[Striving for more]

Here I am again .. Back again. 

No more crazy rants. Just the Truth now. 

I hate myself once again, I feel stuck. Can't get out my head, so emotionally reactive, I can't mediate & it doesn't help, I have constant brain fog, my sleep is not great. 

Lighting in my room doesn't work, always dark & I live in a shitty place. 

 

I need inspiration, I need a spark, because I want to just kill myself. I won't do it. But I really want to. 

I feel like I will die alone, always be bored & stuck never fulfill my basic needs, always at the bottom of the pyramid. 

Was I just dealt bad cards? Did I do too many drugs before? Will my mind ever be healthy? 

Will I ever find real friendship, Will I ever escape this country, will this covid ever end, am I in an ever ending bad acid trip? 

Or is the real bad trip when I get old & realize I wasted my life,

Just want to shut myself out from the world because I will envy people. 

 

N0OOOOOOO GET OUT MY FUCKING HEAD GET OUT MY FUCKING HEAD BITCH OCD FUCK U FUCKING BITCH GET OUT MY FUCKING HEAD

OIHASDGOPHISDA0U F0[A SD 

FUCK THIS JOURNAL THIS DON'T WORK

Time to get serious. 

I make serious money this month or sucidie. The stakes are high enough. 

If I don't make 10K this month, I die. 

 

[Striving for more]

THE THEME OF THINGS GOING FULL CIRCLE

TIMNE TO  GET SEIOUR S

SUICIDE OR EXTREME SUCCESS. EXTREME

BANGING 10'S ALL DAY ON ROTATION,  200K IN THE BANK AT A YOUNG AGE, EXTREME SHIT 

MAYBE SOME COCAINE TO CELEBRATE TOO 

 

NO MORE IN THE MIDDLE, EXTREME BITCH 

 

TAKE MUSHROOMS & BECOME KING

Edited February 25, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I am officially done with this journal.  FUCK ALL MY PREVIOUS POSTS. FUCK THE PAST. THE PAST ME. FUCK PAST TOXICITY TRAUMA & FAILURE THAT COULD STILL BE POISINING MY PSYCHEE 

I LET IT ALL GO.

NEW YEAR. NEW JOURNAL (Or no journal) & NEW ME MUTHERFUCKER YES I USED THAT CLICHE NO FUCKS GIVEN !!!!!

JUST FOCUSING ON MYSELF NOW, NO ENVY, NO JEALOUSY, NO COMPARING, NO EGO (Maybe a little bit) (BUT EGO WILL BE TAMED!) 

I don't find this kind of thought expression release useful, better off with life coaching, mediation & mentors. 

 

However, I maybe will create a new journal > purely based on tracking my routines & goals ect.. (But may keep it private). 

Otherwise I am done with this shit. 

No more rants, no debating or arguing with people, no more mindlessly watching YouTube videos or mindless doing anything!

 

I am going full left brain for 6 months straight > Productivity, optimization, organization, lifestyle hacks, pragmatism, resourcefulness, strategy, goal setting & ruthless action. 

 

Final note. I command my subconscious my mind to take consistent action towards setting specific goals & taking consistent action towards  improving my net worth, self - education, continually enhancing productivity & optimizing my lifestyle. 

TIME TO BE STRATEGIC MUTHERFUCKER, (I will not be fucking mums, defo not my own u sick freak readers I see u jerry) 

 

Secondly, I command my subconscious mind to improve my gut health, dental health cognition & sleep quality.

Pickup / Dating will be mostly  put on hold for 3-6 months. 

 

I SEE U FUTURE ME IN 3 MONTHS : 

 I WILL RETURN TO THIS JOURNAL ONLY THEN ! & I WILL FIND OUT ON  JUNE THE 1ST HOW I HAVE DONE

.... WILL I LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS? > ON JUNE 1ST I WILL COMMENT ON THIS JOURNAL & DECLARE IF I HAVE ACHIEVED ANY OF MY GOALS.

WILL I HAVE A MUCH BIGGER INCOME? 

WILL I STILL HAVE HOLES IN MY SHOES? 

WILL I STILL BE LIVING IN THIS SHITTY AREA ? 

WILL I FEEL OPTIMISTIC OR LET DOWN ?

WILL I FEE PROUD OF MYSELF ? 

WILL I BE MORE EDUCATED, SKILLED, TRAINED ? 

 

WE WILL SEE ...................

[Armand]

Jerry was living vicariously.

 

It's weird but I felt that post in terms of mindlessly binging YouTube videos. The attempt to tame ones ego is insane, but necessary considering how much it rules over our daily lives. I like to invision that it is it's own entity I can unplug to fixate on things that are vital to my journey. Doing a ton of shadow work and oh man.. Good luck to you man. ?✨

Edited March 3, 2021 by Armand
Error

[Striving for more]

My last post in this journal. 

I'm leaving this forum for a while. I'm considering even deleting my account. 

I am only studying stuff relevant to my pertinent goal : to move country, to a cool city, with a great lifestyle, cost of living, attractive women & social opportunities. 

THAT IS IT. Of course I will be improving health/energy & my income, ECT.. But even if I did all that, if I didn't achieve this main goal, I'd be so miserable, I'd kill myself. 

I wanted this goal for years, before covid but I took my freedom for granted. 

FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. I DON'T CARE. 

I DONT CARE ABOUT SPIRITUALITY, POLITICS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I JUST WANT TO ENJOY LIFE & LIFE HOW I WANT, WITH COOL PEOPLE AROUND. FUCK MY LIFE IS SO SOULLESS. BUT IT COULD BE WORSE, COULD BE WW2, IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BE GRATEFUL, WHEN YOU FEEL SO FRUSTRATED, I JUST NEED CHANGE.  

No more wasting time. 

Time to get the money, opportunities, women, friends, connections. 

I know it will be hard, I've wanted this goal for so long, I hate my area so much. I feel so bored & alone. 

But I decide for once that I love myself! I love myself & so I will do what it takes, whether I have to make lawyer friends abroad to move, or illegally jump on a boat, or just bear the pain & make as much money as I can for whatever months & strategize, I will do it. 

I love myself too much to self sabotage again, so I will save all my pennies, I will invest, I will strategize, I will plan, I will keep focused, I will achieve this goal & everything else will come. 

 

Strategically moving country, is the only real thing that matters for me. I need to stop ignoring this. No time to post on forum, do small talk with people, no more bullshit. 

That's all I fucking need to do. 

Money & Location > Then everything else becomes so much easier. So much easier to do "Pick up" if you live in the right place, to make friends. 

My location is squashing me, I feel so squashed, I hate this place. I have been here too long. If it goes on too long & I don't strategize my way out, I will commit suicide. 

I say that because sometimes you gotta put it all on the line. I will write my goal down on my wall, my door, I will type it & print tons of copies, I will put inspiring quotes up.

But I will not be a self help junkie. Every quote, bit of information, will move me closer to my goal, even if it just gives me the energic push I need to act. 

I can't even be bothered to journal right now because I just want this goal, I need to go get the money & move to a cheap beautiful place. 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

THIS IS MY SECOND LAST POST.  

I am taking a break from this forum, I will be back when I have something to show for it. I have learned a lot. Thank you so much. 

I HAD TO MAKE THIS POST AGAIN BECAUSE I MY GUT TOLD ME TO. THIS IS MY CLOSING POST. 

 

I JUST WENT OUTSIDE I STARED AT THE STARS. HOW INSPIRING, I THEN SAW A BEAUTIFUL FLOCK OF BIRDS DEEP IN THE SKY, FLOWING IN THE DISTANCE, FORMING A KITE PATTERN IN BEAUTIFUL SYMMETRY. 

I DECIDED TO GUY FULL DEEP IN TO MY EMOTIONS. I STARRED AT THE STARS & THE BEAUTIFUL NAVY BLUE SKY & LISTENED TO SOME ARNOLD SCHARWNIGGER & BEAUTFIFUL SOULFUL MUSIC. 

& I WENT DEEP IN TO THE BREADTH, I WENT DEEP. I BREATHED HARD & STARRED AT THE STARS, I LET THE ANGER COME OUT OF ME, THE FRUSTRATION. TOO MUCH FRUSTRATION.

I "DIGGED DEEP DOWN, DEEP DEEP DOWN & ASKED MYSELF, WHO DO I WANT TO BE? WHAT DO I TRULY DESIRE?"

 

I STARRED AT THE SKY & STARTED CRYING, CRYING IN ANGER. NO MORE REPRESSING MY EMOTIONS. I AM ANGRY NOW. I WILL CRY, NOT TO QUIT, I WILL CRY TO WIN. 

CRY TO WIN. CRY TO WIN. SHOUT TO WIN. GO CRAZY TO WIN. FEEL THE PAIN. STOP DENYING SHIT. YOU ARE MEDIOCRE, I AM. BUT I CAN & I WILL CHANGE THAT. I WILL STOP HAVING A WEAK MIND. I WILL BE STRONG, I WILL BE WISE. I WILL BE CLEVER. I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. I WILL BE CREATIVE. I WILL BE VALUABLE.

I WILL LIVE IN AN AMAZING CITY, WITH AMAZING CONNECTIONS, MEET AMAZING GIRLS, SEE AMAZING SIGHTS, MOUNTAINS & SWEET PUSSY & WATERFALLS & EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE.

YES U NEED PRODUCTIVITY, STRATEGY ECT.. BLAH BLAH. BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED YOUR FUCKING SOUL. YOU DON'T WANT IT ENOUGH, ALL THE FUCKING INTELLECTUALITY IN THE WORD WON'T GET ME WHERE I WANT UNLESS I GET FIRED UP & STAY FIRED UP. 

USE YOUR PAIN. DIVE DEEP INTO YOUR PAIN. SWIM IN IT, TO THE POINT YOU ALMOST DROWN, THEN PADDLE UP LIKE A NEWBORN LION. NO NOT BABY. A LION. 

I WAS ONCE A GAZELLE, NOW A LION. I WILL STAY HUNGRY UNTIL I GET WHAT I WANT. 

I DIGGED DEEP INTO MY CURRENT PAIN, & MY EVEN FAR WORSE PAIN OF NOT TOO LONG AGO, WHERE I ALMOST DIED, ALMOST TOPPED MYSELF & SORTA TRIED TOO. 

I DUG DEEP INTO THAT PAIN, & I WANT TO FEEL MORE PAIN. PAIN = CHANGE. 

I AM LIMITLESS. I WILL LIVE A LIMITLESS LIFE. I WILL BE COURAGOUS. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOW MY FEELINGS. I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE DIFFERENT.

SHOWING & FEELING IN TO YOUR FEELINGS MAKES YOU MORE OF A MAN. IT'S COURAGOUS, 

 

NO MORE DENIAL. NO MORE BULLSHIT. THIS IS THE LAST DAY I POST. BUT I HAVE TO POST BECAUSE THE ONLY GOAL IS TO TRANSFER MY ENERGY ON TO THOSE WHO ARE DOWN & TO CEMENT THIS ENERGY DEEPLY IN TO MY PSYCHEE & TO NOT LET GO OF IT, UNTIL I ACHIEVE MY GOAL. 

 

I WILL NOT FOLLOW MY FAMILY, WILL NOT FOLLOW MAINSTREAM CULTURE. I WILL LIVE LIFE EXACTLY HOW I WANT TO. NO GURU WILL TELL ME WHAT'S RIGHT, I WILL LEARN FROM OTHERS. BUT ULTIMATELY WE ARE ALL UNIQUE. YOU MUST DECIDE FOR YOUSELF & ONLY LISTEN TO YOURSELF ON WHAT TO DO & FUCKING DO IT. 

SUCCESS IS NOT "BECOMING THIS OR THAT" > IT'S ACHIEVING WHAT YOU WANT, WHATEVER THAT IS, DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE DEFINE YOUR GOALS, CUSTOMS, VALUES. 

MY WHOLE LIFE I LIVED ON TH.E SIDELINES, AN NPC. I INTERNALIZED THE ROLE I WAS GIVEN, JUST A USELESS LOSER. PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME. BUT I WILL BE THE ONE LAUGHING 

NOW I GO BACK TO THE SKY. & I STARE AT THE STARS THAT REPRESENT MY DREAMS. I WILL CHANNEL THIS ENERGY INTO MY SUBCONCIOUS. I WILL SLEEP. I WILL LEAVE THIS JOUNRAL, I WILL CONQUER, I WILL DEFEAT THE ENEMY. 

 

 

 

[Striving for more]

Awareness & letting go. 

Yesterday I fell into a deep rumination loop for several hours. I started regretting the time & youth I've wasted, tense symptoms arised in the body, feeling the sharp pain of regret.

After hours of a whirlwind of regret, envy, jealously of others, a sense of despair & impatience. I realized my OS Needs rebooting. 

I watched an old ACT.org video about "how to let go of the past". 

Great video, key insight. "The past & the future do not exist, especially the past, it is just thoughts in the mind". 

Yesterday doe not exist, 5 minutes ago does not exist. ONLY THE PRESENT IS REAL. 

Another insight > whenever I catch myself ruminating, I must swiftly respond by breathing deeply & make a conscious decision to be in THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW. 

This should help ground me. 

My second video which this I rewatched but clearly have forgotten the principle is the power of letting go.

I command thy subconscious mind to flex this musculó todo el tiempo, todo! 

I will let go > This will help me become multi millionaire. 

I WILL LET GO BECAUSE THIS WILL GIVE ME POWER & SUCESS. MONEY, PUSSY & POWER. 

BUT COUNTERINTUITIVELY I WILL EVEN LET GO OF THE DISIRE TO HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS (Because this will secretly give me them  )

Edited April 21, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Hollowness. 

• Having a cavity, gap, or space within
• Deeply indented or concave; sunken.
• Without substance or character.

Time to escape. 

I just wanna forget myself & take some mushrooms, wait for the afterglow then go chill by the sunset.

Mushrooms & Kambo ... & Sunsets. 

That is "spirituality" to me. Especially if I can do that with a friend or gal, "social spirituality". 

I don't give a fuck about what leo talks about 80% of the time Lol, I mostly listen to his old videos, but still find some great nuggets in the new ones too. 

Cos that's all spirituality is to me, that's it. Mushrooms, sunsets, Mdma, connection, being in the moment, nature, I don't need to fucking study it fuck off. 

 

Everything is so hollow, Can't wait to get the money & so I can just live life for once, I'm not really a Jeff bezos type, I need balance. 

That isn't to say i'm "less ambitious than jeff bezos", it's equally ambitious to want the good life all round, perhaps more ambitious cos it's harder to achieve & more worthwhile.