Striving for more

Road To Success & The Obstacles

72 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

**FOREWORD / JOURNAL PROBLEMS

: I have created several random journals so far & with my sub optimal energy, cognition & OCD, it is very hard to find structure in anything I do. I am also perfectionistic so something like not phrasing the titles properly can really piss me off & I could spend 30 minutes just deliberating over that. 

I am probably going to have to take modafinil to even be able to think of how to organize my journal/

Because I am not sure whether to have 1 all inclusive journal, or multiple journals ("success journal, pick up journal, health journal journal" ect...)

Also, currently my journal is very random & open it is sort of like my thoughts just flowing out. I'm unsure if I want to change it to a more logical based "today I took X, Did X, made X money blaha blah 

I dunno I think there's value in both types of journals. 

 

Feeling tired as fuck. I just ate beef mince & a ton of vegetables. Now my face is sweating like crazy. Why does everything make sweat, what the fuck. 

Have so much ambition & passion but such little energy, such a horrible combination. I'm so worried that I am just born like this. Bad luck of the draw. 

I pray not, I have to try everything I can ... but I will have to take modafinil to have the energy to even start researching stuff & get half the shit I need to do. 

I have an incredible personality & sense of passion for life. But it's like this dark vortex of mental fatigue is sucking it all away. Then even when I do feel energetic, I have the other shit turning my brain into a useless pile of trash. 

So few inches away from being just a drunk, pissing away all my money, my dreams so few inches away. I just hope I start to feel better biologically, even if I got rich it would be shit. 

I have a deep almost angry sense of envy for a lot of people, people on this forum. They just go about there day, learning stuff, working, being creative, investing, just growing exponentially every day. Fucking lucky. I want to do all that stuff, but it's so hard for me to get the energy. Some of these people were born lucky, they got dealt better cards. Or maybe better circumstances, they didn't get exposed to toxins growing up - they function better, just have better brains & biology. That simple. 

I am fed up of this shit man. I have been motivated for 2 years, but my progressed has been slowed down so much by shitty retarded brain. FUCK YOU FUCK ME I HATE MYSELF. FUCKING DIE. 

I'm wasting so much time at the moment. Going to wake up at 4AM tomorrow & take some modafinil. I don't believe Modafinil is along term solution, but fuck me do I need it to leverage myself right now. 

I have about $10K saved up & all in investments, If I don't take modafinil i'll end up losing 10K, If I use modafinil I can turn that 10K into 40K. 

I probably have about $10K-100K in debt, but FUCK IT. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY IT BACK YET, ALL I NEED LEVERAGE ILL TURN 10K INTO 1 MILLION THEN ILL PAY THE DEBT BACK FUCK U DEBT

If I have 40K I can turn it into more, leverage a business, blahalah. But I must have good energy. 

Unable to structure my thoughts now blah blah will come back tomorrow after modafinil when my fucked up brain works. 

Edited by Striving for more

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100K BY DEC 2021

I want to have $100K saved up by December 2021. It has to happen. If it doesn't I get a big punch to the face. It has to be at least that much. 

I must make extraordinary progress this year, I must 10X my money. 

I'm waiting for you cynical older self, Let's make a bet, & see who wins shall we ? ;) 100 FUCKING K. 

I will do it & I will be a millionaire by 25. 

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Listening to beautiful & inspiring slow beat instrumental music, a work of mastery that has finally settled my ADHD Brain into a semi flow state. 

My intuition told me to write, I'm not doing this shit for attention, I'm doing it for myself, but if my writing ever becomes half intelligible & somewhat insightful, I hope it falls upon a curious eye who gains something from my thoughts. 

 

Need to slow down, always feeling like life's a race. I failed my youth, was miserable in my teens & pissed away my early twenties. Feel so much pressure to jump ahead, always trying to get rich quick, just need my basic needs sorted. I need to be able to focus & I need more self - control. I just need connection. I just need, I just 

I need to be able to work without modafinil, can't be relying on a clutch. 

I need superior intelligence, not (completely) in a narcissistic way, but I want that intelligence to channel into creativity, mastery. I have the passion, not the intelligence. 

I can't lose all my money, I have to switch up this week. It's hard to sleep when I put all my savings on the line, not even secured yet, someone could hack me today. If I lost it all I'd be behind again. 

I keep oscillating between positive & negative energy, 1 day I feel so much love for life & the planet, the next day I feel envy, anger, for those who got ahead before me, "Look at their advantages, they had the right friends, they met the right people" 

Time to stop this chatter, time to go on more walks.

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Fucked up my health the other day, drank too much wine before bed. 

Switched up today, making multi veg smoothies now & Only eating fish as a source of meet. 

Cognition feels slightly better.

Mental clarity & organization still fucking sucks. I have written out my to do list multiple times, yet I still haven't barely done the top priorities, One of these priorities is so fucking important, it means I might not lose $10K.

It's a shame I feel I need modafinil to have any sense of mental clarity & structure to my day, it's like without it i'm running a car without gasoline.   

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Man this music is so fucking beautiful, helping me concentrate too. Gonna have to share to the forum. 

Man I love music, it's a shame good music is so vacant in this day & age. 

One thing that got me real miserable was that my fake friends would always listen to shitty popular music, & i'd have to go along with it cos I didn't have the guts to be authentic, they would told me to switch it off anyway. 

I dunno what I would do without music, I wouldn't be able to write right now without it. 

This is why I used to love weed so much, despite all its drawbacks, it amplifies & synergises with music so well.

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Man this forum's a fucking goldmine. 

I was "into self development" for several years... But I wasn't really into it. 

I used to listen to leo's vidoes sometimes, often stoned, often at 4AM, listening to them randomly with no purpose, not connecting the dots, not really taking it in.

Even worse I became a useless self help junkie, listening to shitty clickbait youtubers, "Hey, No FAP, Hey watch this 10 minute vid you'll forget an hour later, hey here's how you do your to do list..

BULLSHIT. 

In spite of all my flaws, I have definitely gotten better at learning : learning what is relevant to me, learning from the right teachers, not fake 10 minute YouTube learning. 

Deep learning, watching, reading, discussion, reflecting, connecting the dots & finally ... applying. 

APPLICATION still needs some work, still not practical enough, not active enough.... I MUST NOT become a self help junkie again. I MUST APPLY EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNT ... Or I didn't learn a thing. 

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I need to start using google calendar & actually being specific with my days !!

I got the best part solved : finally found beautiful productivity music > = Right Brain Handled...

Time to get left brain stage yellow > Time to get organized., 

Clear list tomorrow > With TIMEFRAMES. 

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Feeling so tired & foggggggggy ahhh. 

People would think I'm just lazy.

Slept 8 hours, took supplements, fish. 

I feel so fucked. It's making me angry

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKKKKKKKK 

It's easy to succeed when you're healthy. People talk about being "stage yellow" blahblah 

Nah bro you're just fucking healthy. You have the energy & cognition to read books, start a business. SIMPLE. 

LUCKY FUCKS. 

 

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Just rewatched leo's video on "how to stop comparing yourself to others" ... & "how to stop caring what others think"

I thought I had got over these, but that was a niave thought. 

I must work with what I have, try to accept my limitations. Try to accept I am not James Bond (even though I want to be lol). 

But ultimately I am me. I am the unique idiosyncratic composition of cells & all the trans-physical elements that make up me. 

 

From now on I will ONLY look those I "envy" as inspiring ... although I can't swap me for them, I can achieve some of the good things they have. This is the stage yellow way. 

& This year I want to care less & less what others think, I want to embody this in every situation in life. It's funny how rare this is. I remember my dad saying he never did yoga because he would look shit. Most people care about the stupidest tiniest things...

I want to not give a fuck about the most scary things, I like waking up to a girl in front of her whole group of friends, being willing to mess up & look awkward, but doing it anyway. This is the fundamental reason I want to do pick up (although it is not my primary focus right now is on finances & brain health). 

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A mix of self - doubt & distractedness & perhpas lazyness is making me lag behind on my tasks today. This has happened 1 to many times before. 

I want to feel proud this evening. 

Going to workout for 30 minutes with meditative music. Only 30 minutes, I need the energy but must not over do it or It will stess me. 

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Have been dealing with fatigue again today. Took 50MG modafinil, but didn't notice much, was probably too little. 

Woke up too late, I need a peaceful morning routine > Good music + walk in nature. 

Was feeling tooo tired at 4PM after procrastinating all day. Had to drink more green tea with dark chocolate & chia seeds + Rishi mushrooms. 

This actually worked, I feel more energetic now, unfortunately I probably won't sleep till late. But oh well there's a cost to everything.

It's annoying because on the one hand i'm like a night owl, but on the other hand waking up early is really good for my mental health (if I can sleep enough) because I can evade the loud busy hustle & bussle of the world & my family. 

I am VERY sensitive to everything. Sound, light. Mediocre people. 

My main reason for earning money is so I can live in a cool place (Not a big house). I mean a place with nature & peace. There is no balance for that in the UK. 

 

I'm still way too "right brained". I need to be more organized, conscientious, always slacking on my to do list. Bills going unnoticed. Losing money here and there. Getting distracted & addicted to stuff. 

I need to force productivity in me. I need to squeeze it. It doens't come natural. I'm naturally pretty chaotic & all over the place. But I must ground myself. 

I always write out a to do list then just forget to look at it again. Sigh. 

Ok focus on 1 thing at a time. I need that dopamine hit. Small wins : the winner effect. 

Edited by Striving for more

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I think I need to rethink my journals because it has turned in to more ranting & emotional outbursts, which is fine but I've got to the point now where I want to let that stuff go as it becomes a distraction to ACTUAL RESULTS. 

I am going to make my journals more concise & less emotional, although this may feel boring, if I have long paragraphs I will not bother reading them & so there is no self reflection there. 

 

Lastly, I had the recent insight that almost all of my thoughts are just repetitive & useless! Day after day!

(Like oh I need to make X money or I wish I had done this or when will this happen, I need this I crave this !)

> But when does this actually help me? It just takes away my presence. 

I will not suppress my desires, but instead of repetitive thought loops, I now dedicate 10-20 minutes per evening to the law of attraction with instrumental powerful music, whereby I don't "think about" stuff but I actually visualize it deeply, see myself becoming the man of my dreams, seducing the girls in my dreams, having no debt, feeling alive, being in the snow in some alpine territory, fully present, young wild & free, alive, rich. 

Sinking deeper into that feeling, Feeling creative, feeling powerful.

 

& To the other psychotic journal  I say fuck that shit, life is not a zero sum game & I don't need to compare myself to anyone but myself. 

I can & will win through cooperation, I will use competition if It's necessary, but fuck man I really can't be bothered for that lolz

Edited by Striving for more

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Just stay focused. Stay cold when negative emotional thoughts arise, get more emotional when positive thoughts arise, forget my precious ego. Drop comparing myself to others. Drop the anger, no harness anger, harness negativity, Opposites attract, negative positive (I'm Einstien Lol look haha

Just keep the upbeat music, keep the deep breathing, keep the high energy, forget the decade of lost life, forget my current situation, forget the past, only keep the dream life in centre gravity, push the rest to the periphery. 

Forget the shit area I'm in & all the shit people. Forget the shit weather. Forget everything. 

Practical Delusion time. Practical self illusion. Going in to the 4th dimension now. 

Keep up the self belief, even if it's fake, pretend it's true. Pretend I am a creative genius, maybe it will become true. Even some arrogance will do. 

Forget the frustration, just keep the high energy music, keep the dreaming. Used to be lost in a fantasy world & my life was chaos. 

But I wanna harness the fantasy world, everything starts from a dream, I want my life to be a movie, 1 people would go to see if they could. Can't deal with an ordinary existence.

Edited by Striving for more

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Negative thoughts arising again. Hollow feeling in my stomach. 

Going to drink a glass of wine, I would meditate today, but I'm not really in the mood.

I'll do some form of introspection, perhaps 5 minutes of slow breathing with music. 

Still feeling alone, haven't got that many people. Keep feeling regret about who I could've become in my recent youth, thing I could've done, the growth I could've had, dating experience I missed. 

Though loops still running around my head ... I can't turn out like my dad, like my cousin. I can't live a hollow ,lonely , mediocre life of regret. I put every fucking thing on the line. I have to have a crazy life or I will end my life. I am fucking terrified of being normal & average. 

Even more than that, I'm terrified of not being able to me. Being me is creative, expressive, adventurous. Every day thus far I felt soul crushed, drained & alone. 

 

 

Edited by Striving for more

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I really need to get some juicy capital this year. This is my biggest goal because I know EVERYTHING else can stem from that. 

Being able to do personal work, move location, pick up, starting a business, creative work, Travel, explore myself more & do hobbies.

For me, this will need some capital.

I need the basic resources & environment to foster my creative aspirations & blossom.

& I'll probably need to cover my basic needs more because the lack of them just completely clouds my ability to not merely be creative, but even just being a functional reliable person.

Having said that, i'd be surprised if this happens in the near future.

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I need to fix my sleep cycle which has collapsed recently, waking up as late as 9 & 10 am, going to sleep at 1-2

This is affecting my whole day : once I start my days badly it always tends to end badly. 

I need a positive morning & need to try & wake up early.

If I lived in a great place though (Orange county LA) then I wouldn't give a shit. Every morning would be beautiful & inpsiring. 

But because of my environment I need to wake up early to avoid my family & have some space, & to get a walk in when it's quiet. I hate walking in my area unless it's really early, because it's not an inspiring location nor does it have good energy. 

 

I can only dream of living somewhere like LA, although that would be so expensive even just somewhere hot in Europe or south America. Man I love nature so much, I need it bad. 

Need to get rich so I can live in a beautiful place. I don't care about a big house. Just want nature.

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Had quit coffee for 3 weeks. 

Decided to have a coffee at about 2PM ... Terrible idea! 4:30AM & I'm still up, I doubt I'll sleep tonight. 

I underestimated how long coffee affects me, I can actually sleep way easier after modafinil. 

NO more coffee again !! 

Edited by Striving for more

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Have completely fucked up my sleep cycle the last few days. 

Addictively staring at my phone, trying to always get rich quick scheming, staring at screens to late in the night. 

I need a more zen evening cool down. But my head is so frantic, so needy. So eager to get ahead, just get some capital & move somewhere, but I keep it fucking it up. Keep derailing the path, keep backsliding another step back into my old self. 

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I ate a whole tub of ben & jerries' today & a cookie. 

I generally try to eat healthy but I convinced myself it was a "cheat meal" & deserved & helps me maintain sanity. 

Maybe this is valid, maybe I'm deluding myself. Maybe cheat meal is true with nice restaurants & pizza but perhaps ben & jerries' is too bad for you to be justified. 

I'll have to look into this & ask the forum because I didn't really eat it impulsively, I bought it & ate through that reasoning just mentioned. 

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