Starving "artist (like you)" is chickening

[caveman]

Hi all,

I hoped my first post to be one where I could offer help but given the urgency to make a decision I'm jumping in here in the most concise but exhaustive way I can.

You guys and girls are probably some of the few who can truly understand this.

So considering the current state of world events, how would you reconcile a life purpose that is purely visual creativity (mixed media, not a conventional business per sè unless through prints, exhibitions or maybe ads) with the necessity to provide some financial security? Is the starving "artist" an archetype one must go through?

My awakening journey began 5 years ago at 23. Now I'm 28. Before that - very unconscious behavior since teens: drugs, alcohol, and so on. Very stage orange-blue even small hints of red thinking (I regressed to survive). Some tears of green here and there.

In between I've overcome and learned a lot by moving to another country, reading, investigation, psychedelics - going through layers of depression and delusions. Also discovered a specific creative outlet and style that in part reconnects to my childhood hobbies, which combined with what I have learned in this process really really excites me. This vision got me through everything, even what I suspect a psychotic breakout in these years of semi-isolation in a new city (a blessing for growth actually), and I feel it an obligation to share this.

Was able to do so also because of a comfy retail job - 20 hours a week, that is not too demanding. I don't mind it, it's relaxed, sometimes I even get to pull out a book (a good one). Obviously I am not able to save money at all, nor plan big investments. But a hussle here and a hussle there, in the last months I gathered all the self-help material and creative gear I need to step it up.

Still, the voice of this fear tainted economy, of conservative society, of the pressure to "secure" my livelihood, of getting approval of my father and family all make a convincing argument that I should take the opportunity to attend this programming course. It lasts 6 months, I got accepted and it will also very likely secure a full-time job.

I have no college education but 5-6 years experience in corporate marketing/retail yet I know for a fact I never wish to step foot into an office again in my life, and the next (for sure not in those jobs).

My thinking was this: would it not be smart to invest the next 3-5 years learning development, so I can secure some financial ground, and then freelance - so that I can invest more time and resources into my creative work that I'm dying to share?

After some sacrifice, would it not allow me to pursue later what I want more freely?

On the other hand I realize that this could stray me, or pull me again in a corporate environment that I would suffocate in. And most of all, that I would not have nearly the same time to actualize and practice as I do now.

I am willing to give up pretty much everything , social life, the idea of family, etc. for it. But maybe I haven't given up on fear of failure and that is why my mind is coming up with sidetracks to save my a*s. Still, as said, considering my personal and the global financial situation, I wonder whether this might not actually be a pragmatic option, especially to ensure that I will be able to do so without money worries in the long run should no one dig my work.

Some days I feel like "jumping out of an airplane without a parachute (hoping there is no ground)", literally, I don't care what will happen. Then I get crippling doubts. And around again.

Would love to hear from you.

Going through the LP course, love it.

Edited January 8, 2021 by caveman

[Average Investor]

Investing in yourself always brings great returns. I have made a lot of money even from just reading books and applying the information. I think development in general is continual. 

It doesn't sound like you have it all that bad where you are working now and it seems to provide enough for you. If I were in that position and I had a big calling for the creative work, then I would spend my extra time providing and giving that. Then figuring out how to make money from it. I can understand wanting more financial security, but you are going to be training to do something completely different and investing a lot of time and energy into that. Just think of 6 months invested into producing that creative work of how much closer you would be to making money from that.

 

[caveman]

33 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

Investing in yourself always brings great returns. I have made a lot of money even from just reading books and applying the information. I think development in general is continual. 

It doesn't sound like you have it all that bad where you are working now and it seems to provide enough for you. If I were in that position and I had a big calling for the creative work, then I would spend my extra time providing and giving that. Then figuring out how to make money from it. I can understand wanting more financial security, but you are going to be training to do something completely different and investing a lot of time and energy into that. Just think of 6 months invested into producing that creative work of how much closer you would be to making money from that.

 

Thanks.

Makes sense. May need to chill my amygdala and appreciate what I've got, not potential catastrophes.

Thinking also about the self-actualizing space available if I stand still. The older I get the more I realize what a luxury it is, yet at the same it's so fundamental. Who knows when I'll get this chance again if I embark on a side career. Update OS first, then install other software.

 

[xxxx]

3 hours ago, caveman said:

how would you reconcile a life purpose that is purely visual creativity

A few practical questions here, first: 

 

Could you elaborate a little more on this?

How much are you presently invested - with respect to practice? Are you a novice, or have some training - as in, the number of hours you have put into this? 

Do have a blue-print laid out?

Have you researched about this market? How's it doing right now? What are the possible forecasts? 

Do you have mentors in this field? 

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

My thinking was this: would it not be smart to invest the next 3-5 years learning development

Is it a smart choice, or a safe choice? Safe is not necessarily smart. 

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

After some sacrifice, would it not allow me to pursue later what I want more freely?

How are you so sure of the 'later'? What if later isn't as optimal? How do you know if later exists?

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

Was able to do so also because of a comfy retail job - 20 hours a week, that is not too demanding.

Life is all about the adventure, right? You have seen comfortable. Try tasting risk once? 

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

And most of all, that I would not have nearly the same time to actualize and practice as I do now.

Self-actualization is not a linear, ideological pathway.

I'm quoting you here, "Also discovered a specific creative outlet and style that in part reconnects to my childhood hobbies, which combined with what I have learned in this process really really excites me. This vision got me through everything, even what I suspect a psychotic breakout in these years of semi-isolation in a new city."

If this calling is as epiphanous as you mentioned it to be, it will catapult you into higher states of being that is truly aligned with your true self. Self-actualization is the true realization of your being, and it is different for each and everyone; the self-help industry uses this word in a rather ideological, monotonous sense. People wish to actualize because they wish to be happy - so seek happiness and you are actualizing. See? It's simple.

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

I am willing to give up pretty much everything , social life, the idea of family, etc.

3 hours ago, caveman said:

of getting approval of my father and family

 

Are you as equally ready to give up this idea of your family? The future idea of the family, let us keep it for the future, haha. 

I'll tell you something - parents usually oppose things until you become successful in what you do. If I were you, I'd take that risk, with confidence, and show my parents what I am truly capable of. It's the job of the parents to be worried about us, and ensure that our prospects are secure; however, nothing would give them more joy than seeing their child happy, and secure - on their own terms. This is, of course, if you share a healthy relationship with your parents - for concern and toxicity are two different things. 

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

But maybe I haven't given up on fear of failure and that is why my mind is coming up with sidetracks to save my a*s.

I'm going to quote Jim Carrey during his commencement address at the Maharishi University

"My father could have been a great comedian but he didn't believe that that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant and when I was 12 years old he was let go from that safe job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father. Not the least of which was that: You can fail at what you don't want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

 

3 hours ago, caveman said:

Some days I feel like "jumping out of an airplane without a parachute (hoping there is no ground)"

In the literal sense - no. Haha!

I get what you mean, though. That's what is called the adrenaline rush - your life is the most important thing to you, and there are many frightening things along the way, but should the fear of falling stop you from climbing any mountain?

One can fall anywhere, and get hurt, but we seldom think of that.

Remove this association. 

.

Caveman (haha), if I were you, I'd do it. Trust yourself, trust God.

Even Bezos, Musk, Jobs, Gates (basically most of the entrepreneurs / artists / designers / all people in unconventional fields) take that risk. I mean, risk is inevitable. There's fragility everywhere. 

Now that I think of it, staying in that secure job is also you taking a risk - a risk with your emotions? 

So basically, yeah, it's what kind of risk you want to take that actually matters. I'd suggest you the kind that makes you happy now, and promises the same in the future, later. 

 

Hope this helps. I wish you the best in this journey!

Edited January 8, 2021 by xxxx

[caveman]

@xxxx

I see everything you've said. "Safe choice is not always the smart choice."

I have two mentors, that combined could kind of give some feedback on my work but more so with the business aspect of it, which is fine, it's tricky to find a mentor for the creative aspect itself since it's so subjective anyway.

Until now I have been mainly dabbling, hacking occasionally obsessing but during the March lockdown 2020 for the first time I got to focus exclusively on producing little projects, one after another, and it felt like being on MDMA all the time. And you don't forget the first time you take MDMA, so you definitely don't forget when you feel like on MDMA without taking it. I think it really helped with relieving me from apathy, it showed me that I could do it and subconsciously that life is worth living also in the outer world, not just in spiritual work.

Then I assume homeostasis and ego backlash kicked in, so more inner work took place. Now I've crawled back up, fixed my diet, routine, etc. and feel pretty good, like I can give it another proper go.

It's becoming clear that the only way to sustain this endeavor is if I simultaneously work on resolving shadow issues/trauma/etc. I'm also at a point where I truly understand psychedelics as the tool that they are, and not as a wishful panacea. My last experience put a lot of things into perspective and made me realize how all these worries are pretty pathetic.

Still, one needs to move a few (or many) bricks manually too, so thanks for your insights as well - they've helped with that.

All the best to you.

Edited January 8, 2021 by caveman

[Guest SirVladimir]

Watched Zima Blue by any chance? I suggest you find the 10-minute original. It can truly transform your view of art, and your question may be answered.

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by SirVladimir

[North Sea]

@SirVladimir  Zima blue is a must watch for every spiritual artist. I remember watching it and thinking, Leo would like this. Then I saw it on his blog and i felt all cool lol.

@caveman Do what you want to do but as an artist myself I have to say to you, go balls to the wall with art. If you truly put your soul in but also are a smart businessman who can find a profit, then you wont be broke. And if you are still broke just start a side hustle somehow. I know a guy who only makes music and grows weed. That way he can still provide nicely for his family while still saying fuck a job and putting his all into music. And he doesn't have to worry about his music selling which would maybe be a detriment to the authenticity of his work.

But above all contemplate for yourself, maybe with half a gram of shrooms. You yourself ultimately know what's best. But be aware of your own self-deception and biases.

Edited January 9, 2021 by North Sea

[caveman]

@SirVladimir

Watched it this afternoon. Almost teared up when by the pool he said to her something like "don't know what I've become"... then at the end I effectively teared up. Lol. What a lead, thanks. Whole series seems amazing. 

@North Sea

Any specific self-deceptions and biases you are referring to? Any tips on side hustles to look into?

As a matter of fact had a microdose of mushrooms last month that triggered the changa smoked the week before that. 6 hour trip on 0.3g. If I'm having this conversation now and doubting whether to enroll into web development it's also in part because of that. Turned my balls a little bigger, but probably still just peanut to walnut difference. Showed me more delusional aspects of myself (some good ol' spiritual/artist ego purge but constructive, not crippling with guilt as it often did).

[Guest SirVladimir]

23 minutes ago, caveman said:

Watched it this afternoon. Almost teared up when by the pool he said to her something like "don't know what I've become"... then at the end I effectively teared up. Lol. What a lead, thanks. Whole series seems amazing. 

Nice.  Welcome to the creative club. The color of Zima Blue is a precise thing — and if you gaze at it with enough devotion, it will reflect what your heart aches to create. I humbly bow down before a fellow artist.

[caveman]

@SirVladimir

 

:') Will meditate on it. *bow*