Elshaddai

Overcoming irrational fear of success

12 posts in this topic

I started noticing that the more I work my various fears, addictions and generally sorting out my  that one of my greatest fear is not a fear of failure but success.

For example I have a fear of approaching women and talking to them in parties for example, not because I will fail, that will probably happen anyway at some point with certain girls. No my fear is what will happen if I actually succeed and start a relationship with her and then somehow screw it up down the line by doing something weird or autistic.

This fear happennes to me so persistently, that even when girls approach me(which happens to me quite a bit actually) I preemptively sabatoge my chances with said girls by being cold and seemingly detached from her to turn her off.

Any tips to relieve myself from this crippling fear??

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Posted (edited)

What are you believing that is the reason for the fear? Is the weird or autistic thing you do that fucks it up, done by accident, or is it done (subconsciously) for a reason, for example, because you fear if the relationship continues she'll leave you?

Edited by Waken

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32 minutes ago, Waken said:

What are you believing that is the reason for the fear? Is the weird or autistic thing you do that fucks it up, done by accident, or is it done (subconsciously) for a reason, for example, because you fear if the relationship continues she'll leave you?

Both.

 concerning autism I do have Asperger's syndrome so that probably doesn't help since I've always had problems socially and i'm afraid of screwing up again.

Also I have doubts whether i'm even attracted to women to begin with since i'm definitely have homsexual urges and had a relationship with a man.

I should also mention that in addition I also have of failure like in areas like work, relationships at times and concerning travel.

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Posted (edited)

Yes but then what is the exact reason for the fear? Because you're having a certain definition/viewpoint that is creating that fear. Are you taking it personally when you're 'screwing up'? Do you feel inadequate or have embarrassment about it? Or is it because, you're for example, afraid of being alone? If you look into what you're actually believing there that is causing the fear, you might find something that isn't really true, and then you'd let it go. Of course, there are many other ways to deal with these sort of things.

Oh well. Nail both of em and see what you like best lol

Well about those other problems. People can't help you if you don't give more detail as to what is causing the failure, you silly 😘
All the best

Edited by Waken

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Fear of failure and fear of success are opposite sides of the same coin. Both failure and success can push us out of our comfort zone. So it is easier to stay in our comfort zone, thus avoiding both failure and success. But this also makes for a life of missed opportunities.

Why not just relax and flow with whatever happens, for example the next time you meet a woman you like. See where it leads, have fun with the process. What is the worst that could happen? If you do screw it up and it ends, you are simply back where you are now, perhaps sadder but probably wiser.

Peace

 

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To me that still sounds like fear of failure, just another manifestation of it. 

Instead of being afraid of being rejected in the short term you are afraid of screwing it up later. 

I would explore if you've had those kind of experiences where everything seems to be going right and then something bad happens. 

IMO, the most important part isn't to determine whether it's fear of failure or of success. It is sitting with that fear and getting to know the part of you that could sabotage the potential relationship. I'm sure it's there for a reason. Usually it's trying to protect you from something or trying to give you some sense of control by creating a predictable pattern. You could have learnt that it hurts less to sabotage yourself in case something goes wrong. Because if you didn't sabotage yourself that rejection/failure (or whatever bad outcome it is) can hit you unexpectedly. Whereas if you sabotage yourself you are somehow prepared for that, or at least you think you are. 

By getting to know your self sabotaging part you can decide if you still need it and if not you can start working on letting it go. 

Hope this helps!

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35 minutes ago, iamthat said:

Fear of failure and fear of success are opposite sides of the same coin. Both failure and success can push us out of our comfort zone. So it is easier to stay in our comfort zone, thus avoiding both failure and success.

35 minutes ago, iamthat said:

But this also makes for a life of missed opportunities.

Yes you are right! I really want to stay in my comfort zone and can't handle the resistance when I try to leave it. But of course I also fear living a life full of missed oppritunties. It's like a fear lasagna with more and more layers of fear.

38 minutes ago, iamthat said:

Why not just relax and flow with whatever happens, for example the next time you meet a woman you like. See where it leads, have fun with the process

Easier said than done! in the moment i'm so paralyzed with fear thay I don't act and try to leave the comfort zone.

1 hour ago, Waken said:

Yes but then what is the exact reason for the fear? Because you're having a certain definition/viewpoint that is creating that fear. Are you taking it personally when you're 'screwing up'? Do you feel inadequate or have embarrassment about it? Or is it because, you're for example, afraid of being alone? If you look into what you're actually believing there that is causing the fear, you might find something that isn't really true, and then you'd let it go. Of course, there are many other ways to deal with these sort of things.

I think my viewpoint is that I feel inadequate and afraid of screwing up since I've actually never been with a woman every time women approached me I turned them all down from fear of screwing up the realtionship so I sabatoge it before it even gets a chance to get off the ground.

Well about those other problems. People can't help you if you don't give more detail as to what is causing the failure, you silly 😘
All the best

The problem is that whenever I say have an idea for starting a new line of work or for a place I want to travel to my mind gets hyperactive and ruminates about all the potential mistakes and screw-ups I may or may not make. I ruminate alot.

Hopefully you get the picture if not tell i'll try and clarify.

 

41 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

To me that still sounds like fear of failure, just another manifestation of it. 

Instead of being afraid of being rejected in the short term you are afraid of screwing it up later. 

I would explore if you've had those kind of experiences where everything seems to be going right and then something bad happens. 

I've definately had, many of the times it turned bad was just my own self- sabatoge for fear of future possible failures.

IMO, the most important part isn't to determine whether it's fear of failure or of success. It is sitting with that fear and getting to know the part of you that could sabotage the potential relationship. I'm sure it's there for a reason. Usually it's trying to protect you from something or trying to give you some sense of control by creating a predictable pattern. You could have learnt that it hurts less to sabotage yourself in case something goes wrong. Because if you didn't sabotage yourself that rejection/failure (or whatever bad outcome it is) can hit you unexpectedly. Whereas if you sabotage yourself you are somehow prepared for that, or at least you think you are. 

By getting to know your self sabotaging part you can decide if you still need it and if not you can start working on letting it go. 

Hope this helps!

Great advice thanks! I need to try understand the fear more but what you wrote makes sense: Maybe my mind is just trying to keep me safe from failing which subconciously thinks is bad so preemptively and paradoxically I make myself fail, but atleast I have control over it since I'm the one who caused it.

 

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Posted (edited)

Quote

I think my viewpoint is that I feel inadequate and afraid of screwing up since I've actually never been with a woman every time women approached me I turned them all down from fear of screwing up the realtionship so I sabatoge it before it even gets a chance to get off the ground.

Oh I see. I can relate actually, as I've had and still have to some degree the same fear. I'd be afraid that I would suck very hard at sex and wouldn't know what to do, or would come very fast. Or I would be concerned what other people (like my family) would think of her if I would end up in a relationship with a specific girl. In the end, the best thing is just to go through it anyway. You can take it slow and make it gentle for yourself right? Maybe even let her know you're a little worried about being with a woman, that you haven't done that before. Maybe you'll find she'll respond way more understanding and friendly than you feared and will take it easier for you. When there is something I have to do and feel fearful about it, I tend to just make it one step at a time, and take some time to relax and be with the fear. Once that fear settles a bit I feel okay to take it a small step further.

Quote

The problem is that whenever I say have an idea for starting a new line of work or for a place I want to travel to my mind gets hyperactive and ruminates about all the potential mistakes and screw-ups I may or may not make. I ruminate alot

Okay, I think everyone can relate to some degree to that, although you might have it more than most. When your mind gets hyperactive, what do you do? You try anything to calm yourself? For example https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m6tMjcF8k is one of the techniques you could use. It's normal that your mind does these things. Your mind tries to maintain the identity/how you see yourself and so will put up fear and whatever it can in order to hold on to whatever belief or viewpoint. I like to just take a small step further and then be with the fear, small step further, be/work with the fear. I find it quite doable like that.
Sorry, I can't do better than this. Hope you'll move past it buddy, you can do it ^_^

 

Edited by Waken

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On 8.8.2020 at 0:28 PM, Waken said:

Okay, I think everyone can relate to some degree to that, although you might have it more than most. When your mind gets hyperactive, what do you do? You try anything to calm yourself? For example https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m6tMjcF8k is one of the techniques you could use. It's normal that your mind does these things. Your mind tries to maintain the identity/how you see yourself and so will put up fear and whatever it can in order to hold on to whatever belief or viewpoint. I like to just take a small step further and then be with the fear, small step further, be/work with the fear. I find it quite doable like that.
Sorry, I can't do better than this. Hope you'll move past it buddy, you can do it ^_^

I see Sadguru is popular around these parts :) I'll look at the video later tonight and see if it helps. Usually my coping mechanisms when anxious and stressed are very bad and are mostly hard addictions to things like video games and weed which i'm to cut out of my life. 

On 8.8.2020 at 0:28 PM, Waken said:

Maybe even let her know you're a little worried about being with a woman, that you haven't done that before. Maybe you'll find she'll respond way more understanding and friendly than you feared and will take it easier for you.

Maybe so, but I find myself very afraid as of being so vunverbale for Im afraid she will percieve me as being somehow weak. 

 

Thanks for the advice you are definitely doing enough and I do appriciate your input!

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@Elshaddai Yes I've also been very bad at being vulnerable. I'm doing much better now since having done quite some healing work and also by slowly being more and more open. Like I would be afraid of having sex, so I would then I would call a sexline and have phone sex lol. It was just to push my boundaries, and served as an in-between stage to be more comfortable around the idea of having actual sex with someone. I was quite nervous the first time I called, second time was reasonably fine already and so didn't call more after that. 

You'll probably have trauma from people who have shunned you or laughed at you or something like this (from this or previous life(s)). 
 

Quote

Maybe so, but I find myself very afraid as of being so vunverbale for Im afraid she will percieve me as being somehow weak.

 Is it true that you think of yourself as weak, or are at least afraid that you might be? Are you?

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58 minutes ago, Waken said:

 Is it true that you think of yourself as weak, or are at least afraid that you might be? Are you?

I think of myself as weak, like most humans are. 

"Nothing is surer than that people will be weak"- Blaise Pascal

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13 hours ago, Elshaddai said:

I think of myself as weak, like most humans are. 

"Nothing is surer than that people will be weak"- Blaise Pascal

Well, but thinking of yourself as weak will create the experience of feeling and thinking like someone weak. Change your thought, and you'll change your experience.
Perhaps you've been using your rather unrecognized big power, to only make it look like you're weak?

Okay, I'm out of here. Take care buddyB|

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