Awakening or HPPD?

[Dlavjr]

I currently work at a supermarket, so my job is not exactly mentally demanding, and that gives me the opportunity to practice mindfulness and presence. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a coworker, and suddenly I was hit by a train of consciousness. Everything brightened, I felt pressure in the back of my head, and I became instantly aware that I was not my body, that I was the entire store. I felt like I was listening to myself talk but I also had trouble understanding what the girl was saying to me because I was super caught up in what I was experiencing. Since then, I've been able to on command become that awareness. I feel the cloudiness when I spiral into an ocean of thinking, then I can just pull myself out and become fully present. I'd describe what I feel to be as if my entire existence is a dream, as if I'm watching myself as if I'm not my self. I see my entire sense of self as being imaginary, I can feel my thoughts as being a manifestation inside of me and not myself. My thoughts create me. I truly understand the phrase "I think, therefore I am" now, as without thought, I cannot be anything. The reason why I suspect possible HPPD is that sometimes I feel great resistance, and I cannot control it. Sometimes I need to be a "self" so that I can function, but yet I will, without warning, become intensely aware. In those moments, I feel fear. It feels dangerous when I'm on the highway and suddenly I realize that I'm imagining everything. I understand that I'm driving myself to feel this way and that the fear is directly coming from the resistance, but in moments like that I can't help resisting because I don't want to put my life in danger simply because I know that there is no death. My meditations have become more intense, smoking weed and even drinking alcohol are intense, and sleeping is difficult because I can feel myself slipping into a dream as if I'm beginning to trip, and it's distracting and makes me uncomfortable. What can I do about this? How can I practice accepting what I experience and working with it? How do I maintain motivation and pursue life purpose and relationships? All I feel that I need right now is to sit and be present, it feels like all the meaning I've created for myself has dissipated and I'm just floating through my existence. I feel like I'm constantly at the end of an acid trip where I'm just peaceful and content in nothing, and when I try to focus on anything mental like studying or reading it's almost nausuating because I'm just sucked into what feels like a separate reality, like I'm engulfed in my mind and thought, it's like I'm teetering between being conscious and being unconscious at all times. 

[Carl-Richard]

Try to find the specific things that you're holding on to that is creating the resistance and fear. Usually when fear arises, it tries to justify itself through thought, giving you reasons for why you should keep holding on to the fear. Try to address these things directly, whether that is about fixing something in your life or just letting go of something that you have no control over. However at the end of the day, it's all about giving up control.

[Brahman]

This sounds very similar to Kundalini awakening experiences. You can do some research on these and it might make you feel better to know you aren't alone. Oftentimes people will have radical experiences like this followed by deep backlash and pain through the desire to live normally again. Understand that something very special is happening and embrace it as best as you can. You can do this! Any downward spiral is completely temporary.

 

May want to check out Leo's vid on ego backlash if you haven't seen it.

 

@Carl-Richard is also right. The fear gets justified through thoughts. Becoming aware of this process will be extremely freeing for you. Notice the fear cannot touch you. Watch these fearful thoughts arise and fade in your awareness. They are not you and they cannot touch you.

 

You got this man. Always got a community here too if you run into troubles.

[Dlavjr]

On 6/22/2020 at 1:21 PM, Carl-Richard said:

Try to find the specific things that you're holding on to that is creating the resistance and fear. Usually when fear arises, it tries to justify itself through thought, giving you reasons for why you should keep holding on to the fear. Try to address these things directly, whether that is about fixing something in your life or just letting go of something that you have no control over. However at the end of the day, it's all about giving up control.

How does one go about giving up control? I feel like it's so easy when it comes to everyday stuff but when it comes to giving up your sense of self and the meaning you've created for yourself, it's so much harder. I've practically lost the sense of being alive, I'm just existing forever in the moment but yet there is no me to exist. It's like I'm just watching a life play out in first person, as if it were a documentary. How do I let go of everything that creates my "story" and accept the fact that I am not anything? 

[Dlavjr]

On 6/22/2020 at 3:54 PM, Brahman said:

This sounds very similar to Kundalini awakening experiences. You can do some research on these and it might make you feel better to know you aren't alone. Oftentimes people will have radical experiences like this followed by deep backlash and pain through the desire to live normally again. Understand that something very special is happening and embrace it as best as you can. You can do this! Any downward spiral is completely temporary.

 

May want to check out Leo's vid on ego backlash if you haven't seen it.

 

@Carl-Richard is also right. The fear gets justified through thoughts. Becoming aware of this process will be extremely freeing for you. Notice the fear cannot touch you. Watch these fearful thoughts arise and fade in your awareness. They are not you and they cannot touch you.

 

You got this man. Always got a community here too if you run into troubles.

I've watched the video on ego backlash but I'll make a point to watch it again now that it hits more personally. In the meantime, how does one fight ego backlash? Or do you just allow it to pass? I feel as though I'm falling back into all my old habits now and making poor decisions in an attempt to resume life as normal, but it's strange now because I'm aware of when the decision is made due to influence rather than rooted in my deep desires. 

[Brahman]

22 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I've watched the video on ego backlash but I'll make a point to watch it again now that it hits more personally. In the meantime, how does one fight ego backlash? Or do you just allow it to pass? I feel as though I'm falling back into all my old habits now and making poor decisions in an attempt to resume life as normal, but it's strange now because I'm aware of when the decision is made due to influence rather than rooted in my deep desires. 

That is the hardest thing isn't it. Firstly just understanding that this is temporary and you will get out of the slump helps a lot. But as far as actionable things. What helps me a lot is realigning my core values and purposes. So literally getting a notebook and journaling. What do I want out of life? Why do I do what I do? What are the reasons my "bad" habits are  "bad" to me? (In other words what are they keeping you from doing or being). These are very general questions so you can get way more specific about the things unique to your life.

 

The reason this helps is because backlash activity occurs because you start to unconsciously shift your values. You value instant gratification more than your long term health. (So you eat fried food and ice cream instead of a healthy meal). This is just one example. Notice how a lot of these bad habits have been caused by value shifts. The problem is these values got shifted unconsciously. You didn't sit down and say okay for this week I'm just gonna default to activity that gives me comfort and gratification over my larger life goals. That would be insane. It was a subtle sort of shift that happened without you noticing. So just intentionally realigning yourself has made a massive difference for me.

 

But also know that it's really difficult to instantly change back and give yourself time. Be very forgiving and loving to yourself. There isn't a magic fix, but bon't worry you will get out of it. Be patient and as mindful as possible. Periods of backlash are a great gift in retrospect. They teach you so much about yourself.

[WelcometoReality]

@Dlavjr Sounds like an awakening to me. The shifting between being consciousness and the separate self is normal. The key is to let the shifts happen and stop trying to control them.

[Dlavjr]

22 hours ago, Brahman said:

That is the hardest thing isn't it. Firstly just understanding that this is temporary and you will get out of the slump helps a lot. But as far as actionable things. What helps me a lot is realigning my core values and purposes. So literally getting a notebook and journaling. What do I want out of life? Why do I do what I do? What are the reasons my "bad" habits are  "bad" to me? (In other words what are they keeping you from doing or being). These are very general questions so you can get way more specific about the things unique to your life.

 

The reason this helps is because backlash activity occurs because you start to unconsciously shift your values. You value instant gratification more than your long term health. (So you eat fried food and ice cream instead of a healthy meal). This is just one example. Notice how a lot of these bad habits have been caused by value shifts. The problem is these values got shifted unconsciously. You didn't sit down and say okay for this week I'm just gonna default to activity that gives me comfort and gratification over my larger life goals. That would be insane. It was a subtle sort of shift that happened without you noticing. So just intentionally realigning yourself has made a massive difference for me.

 

But also know that it's really difficult to instantly change back and give yourself time. Be very forgiving and loving to yourself. There isn't a magic fix, but bon't worry you will get out of it. Be patient and as mindful as possible. Periods of backlash are a great gift in retrospect. They teach you so much about yourself.

Yes ego backlash can be horrendous and last indefinitely. I had a falling out with a very good friend of mine because of how bad his backlash was. He and I used to trip together and challenge one another's growth, as well as pursue goals together such as writing music and getting in shape. His backlash was worse than mine, he got addicted to cigarettes and caught up in politics and pussy, now he's incredibly defensive of his ego. I both feel and fear for him. 

As for myself, you're right, there has been a value shift. In a sense it's ironic, once you see that there is only the present and that everything is you and you're in a sense watching a documentary on yourself, you find clever ways to justify bad behavior and you're so caught up in presence that it creates that instant gratification. 

I also feel overwhelmingly sensitive now. My anxiety makes me feel like a squirrel, I'm always so quick to react to things and I'm so focused on everything that's going on around me as if something is going to happen. I almost miss being oblivious ?. It gets worse when I smoke weed, I might as well be tripping when I smoke, which is a shame because weed used to soothe the anxiety. 

[Dlavjr]

20 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Dlavjr Sounds like an awakening to me. The shifting between being consciousness and the separate self is normal. The key is to let the shifts happen and stop trying to control them.

Are there any techniques in doing so? There are times where I'm mid conversation and I feel just a burst of awareness and it feels similar to deja vu. I randomly peer into the infinite and it's if I can almost feel time as it moves forward in this ever-flowing river of constant energy. I tend to fight the feeling because I feel like it's distracting and impractical to be in that state without intent, but then I end up fixating on it and that's when the existential fear trickles in. Should I learn to appreciate the shifts and move on from them? Should I make note to consciously make the shift into full awareness so that I'm more comfortable with it? My fear is that I don't want to lose my grip on reality. I understand that that's just ego trying to survive but I still want to maintain my purpose in life. I'm really caught in a loop here.

[WelcometoReality]

31 minutes ago, Dlavjr said:

Are there any techniques in doing so? There are times where I'm mid conversation and I feel just a burst of awareness and it feels similar to deja vu. I randomly peer into the infinite and it's if I can almost feel time as it moves forward in this ever-flowing river of constant energy. I tend to fight the feeling because I feel like it's distracting and impractical to be in that state without intent, but then I end up fixating on it and that's when the existential fear trickles in. Should I learn to appreciate the shifts and move on from them? Should I make note to consciously make the shift into full awareness so that I'm more comfortable with it? My fear is that I don't want to lose my grip on reality. I understand that that's just ego trying to survive but I still want to maintain my purpose in life. I'm really caught in a loop here.

I'm not a technique guy, I'm more a winging it kind of guy. There might be a technique for it but that technique will lose it's effectiveness the deeper you go into this. This is more like riding a bike. I can tell you how but in the end you need to start riding and falling on your ass. That's how you learn. ?

You'll learn to function in this state aswell. They will happen whether you want them to or not. So maybe it's better to go with them than resisting them?

 

[Dlavjr]

8 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

I'm not a technique guy, I'm more a winging it kind of guy. There might be a technique for it but that technique will lose it's effectiveness the deeper you go into this. This is more like riding a bike. I can tell you how but in the end you need to start riding and falling on your ass. That's how you learn. ?

You'll learn to function in this state aswell. They will happen whether you want them to or not. So maybe it's better to go with them than resisting them?

 

That's fair, perhaps I rely on guidance a bit too heavily. I'm a big question asker, I should learn more the hard way. Already though I'm settling more into the realization and working with it. Awakening isn't something that happened to me, I don't possess the awakening, and I think one of the harder things to cope with is seeing how everyone is asleep and there is little I can do about it. 

Without a doubt the hardest mindfuck to handle is the difference between real and unreal. When I had my first real, intense and eye opening DMT trip, I had a hard time believing that any of this was real for a long time, and my awakening reignited that feeling. I'm beginning to understand that it's all real, but I guess at the same time it's not? Seems like that's the nature of the mindfuck that is nonduality, it's all the same and exists within itself. I used to think that spirituality existed on some separate plane. You chase and chase this one thing but once you have that big realization, you realize you were chasing the wrong thing all along. I'm just going to have to push through the ego backlash and learn to align myself once again with my core values. There's a beauty in the purposelessness of it all, because it's just infinite creation. Resistance is suffering, and that's the number one important thing to know in this work. 

[WelcometoReality]

@Dlavjr It's like falling into the abyss. You will instinctively try to grab ahold to anything to stop falling but that will only make you bump into the rocks. The best is to just stop grabbing and free fall. That way it can be a pleasant fall down. So if you catch yourself grabbing, loosen the grip and continue to fall.