My self exploration journal 2

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

They say oh my god I see the way you shine
Take your hand, my dear, and place them both in mine
You know you stopped me dead while I was passing by
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time

Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time

So they say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me, ay, ay, ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again

I said oh my god I see you walking by
Take my hands, my dear, and look me in my eyes
Just like a monkey I've been dancing my whole life
But you just beg to see me dance just one more time

Ooh I see you, see you, see you every time
And oh my I, I like your style
You, you make me, make me, make me wanna cry
And now I beg to see you dance just one more time

So they say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me, ay, ay, ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again

They say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me, ay, ay, ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again

Ooh
Woah-oh, woah-oh, oh
Ooh
Ah ah, ah

They say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me, ay, ay, ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again

They say
Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me, ay, ay, ay
And when you're done I'll make you do it all again
All again

 

[Preety_India]

Yesterday something happened to me.

I was trying to sleep but I couldn't and I felt very weak and fragile. 

I felt vulnerable. 

I began to cry and I cried a lot. 

All my childhood memories were coming back. 

I suddenly felt very helpless and upset, I felt like life is a tragic movie with a tragic end. A riddle, an irony. 

I went into a deep emotional state and I didn't feel okay. Something was eating me inside. Something was gnawing at me. 

Then I had this feeling that I need to be inspired. That inspiration is lacking. I felt like a prisoner of my own thoughts and limitations. 

I felt like I was deeply traumatized by all the sadness I experienced as a child. And suddenly I could feel the pain of those are abandoned in jails and prisons, those who did little wrong things as teens and now will never see the light of day. 

Those from whom life was snatched away early and those that the world just forgot. 

And those voices of the those same abandoned people were talking to me, making me feel like I was this lost child who needed to be picked up, this abandoned puppy who needed to be adopted. 

Then I tried to recover my composure and stop my tears. Deep down im a hurt child, hurt by trauma, abuse and neglect. That's my shadow self, a self crying for love and acceptance. A self traumatized by fear and helplessness. A self buried in self pity and looking for freedom. A self that was always deprived. 

Then I tried to collect myself and sat on the edge of my bed for some time to reflect. 

 

 

That's when certain things became clear.. 

One was that I needed to focus on healing, completely and absolutely. 

That I was looking for was love and acceptance and empathy. 

I was also looking for lifelong companionship.. 

This was my heart speaking to me. 

And one thing was my shadows. I needed to focus on my shadows. 

And in that moment of deep reflection (I shouldn't lose my train of thought while writing this journal), the shadows begin to emerge in my psyche, and they were trauma, childhood abandonment, childhood neglect not having the validation of a particular person (that person who always hurt me), death of a family member whose grief was never properly processed, the loss of a pet, abusive relationships, being taken advantage at a young age, being abandoned and betrayed in a relationship, having multiple toxic /abusive relationships, relationships that were short lived, a sense of loneliness, betrayal from friends, watching terminal illness, separation from family, social anxiety, career betrayals, having faced multiple incidents of sexual assaults over the years, suffered bullying offline and online and mostly a very deep sense of guilt and vulnerability and loss of hope, multiple suicide attempts in younger years and a recent suicide attempt in October 2018 because of the turbulent relationship with Joseph and the most significant of all was this lifelong feeling of deprivation, that I would feel rejected in love even if I did my best in life. 

For a long time I felt, that if I loved something, anything, it would be taken away from me. That it would die. It would be lost. And I will be left to simply accept the loss and have this internal pain for the remainder of my life. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

One of the things that had deeply affected me over so many years is that many years ago I predicted my father's death. 

I had this premonition. One week before he passed away, I had this sinking feeling that something was wrong. The room suddenly became  very cold. I was studying for my exams. And I felt a lot of unusual sadness come over me. I felt very distressed and I asked myself "what is the matter?" and the answer was "it's about your dad"... And I asked "what about it?" and the voice said to me "it will not be good" and I  thought "no way," and at that point I knew that it was a death message. I asked "what do you mean?" and the answer was "middle of the next week". The voice departed. And I vigorously denied it in my mind and I told myself that in no way this was going to happen. I removed this thought from my mind. I was never going to tell anyone. 

When the next week came and it was the middle of the week, I was called by my family to come out of my room. When I came out, it was 9.30 pm and the family person told me that my father had passed away from a heart failure. 

I was devastated. But at the same time, I was immediately reminded in my mind of the premonition that had occurred the week before. I felt very guilty that at the time I had dismissed it. 

Maybe my father loved me so much that his spirit wanted me to know that his passing would happen and that I had to be prepared for it. 

This paranormal experience had deeply impacted me and it will always be with me for the rest of my life. 

[Preety_India]

I was very young when my father passed away. And his love was astronomical. 

And knowing how the situation was growing up, the pain was exponential. 

I did not process it as a normal passing. 

Even after so many years I still struggle with the loss of a very important person in my life. 

After that incident, life was never the same and I developed a hate for life. 

The worst part was that I already knew that my father would pass away by heart related complications and the same fate would await me as well. I knew that if I died in my life, it would be because of a heart problem. 

Somehow my destiny was always connected to my dad 

. I knew what he knew. He knew what I knew. 

He always worried about me. 

I think these things created in me a deep sense of self destruction. 

Self destruction was a normal part of my life for a long time. 

For some time after my father's passing, I was on high risk of suicide. 

But I have overcome that now 

I'm no longer a suicide risk but suicidal ideation has been a recurring theme in my life, and I am aware of it. 

I just let it be on the back burner. 

One of the major reasons that I converted to Christianity in 2015 was that it helped me to deal with "suicide related" issues. 

I overcame my suicide problem once I found Jesus (again). I used to pray Jesus lifelong starting from the age of, let's say, age 7 

 So conversion to Christianity was not a big deal. I was anyways a Christian. 

It's only that I had found Jesus as a savior once again. 

From then on, Christianity had a huge influence on my life and still continues to even today. 

I will never stop being a Christian. The only spirit that stayed by my side, was Christ, wholly, without expectation or price. I cannot betray such a companion comrade confidante. 

 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

After contemplating over my shadows, I have to now think of the future and let go of the past and let the past be a small ornament in a box that I can always open and look at. 

The past no longer serves any purpose other than inspiring me to live my best life.. 

The things I gathered from the contemplative writing over the last hour are 

My focus should be on healing. 

I should come to terms with my shadows and let them rest in peace. Let the shadows leave me for good and I be free of them or at least be least impacted. 

My focus should be on love and acceptance and Flourishing 

Yesterday this thought also came in my realm that what I'm looking for is a sense of permanent peace and stability. 

Only with this sense of stability I can actually launch and keep making huge leaps in the direction of progress. 

Now progress is a golden word. 

Growth and progress are two different things. 

You could have growth without progress. 

Or 

You could have progress without progress. 

But the best is growth with progress 

 

 

 

 

The lack of stability is the bump on the road, the lack of stability is the obstruction to further progress. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Pointers 

• Healing 
• Shadow resolution 
• Working on my sense of deprivation 
• Telling myself that I deserve more and actually believing it 
• Gaining inspiration from those who were lost but want you to heal.. Ancestral inspiration 
• Empowering way of looking at things. 
• Love, acceptance and Flourishing 
• Having a masculine inspiration to complement my feminine 
• Creating stability 
• Focusing on progress. 
• Permanent peace and stability 
• Make huge leaps 
• Big picture thinking 
• Bypassing 
• Dealing with pain body 
• Freedom from limitations and obstructions
• Lifelong companionship 

 

 

Additional pointers 

• Insulation and Fortification 
•  concentrated and directed effort. 
• Reward Mechanism 
• Stimulating motivation 
• Feed what is Enriching to the mind.
• Using romantic energy as a guiding force 
• reward point system
• . Reward jar 
•  

 

My energy frame model

The frame which is required here is 

Energy 

Motivation 

Goals 

Action

Insulation 

Fortification

 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

MEE gets destroyed by low primal energy. 

When you have high primal energy, your MEE is naturally high and maintained at peak levels. 

So MEE needs to be constantly replenished if the primal energy is low, it's like filling water into a glass tube that has a hole in it. 

 

[Preety_India]

Last night I had a dream and it was a bit weird and funny. When I woke up, I was laughing thinking about it. 

So this is how the dream goes. 

There are two scientists debating about life on the moon. One of  them scientist B is already on the moon exploring the landscape and the other is on earth having communication with him and discussing various aspects. 

One of the interesting things was that as B exploring the land on the moon he saw a lot of criss cross markings that went far out of eyesight which indicated to him that these were roads dug out and constructed once upon a time and they left the markings after destruction. Also was the strange thing that at specific points were long tubular pits with diamond shaped transparent crystals at the bottom of the pit resting against the tubular walls of the pits. These transparent diamond shaped were perfectly cut as if they were cut by humans or machines, so they could not have been naturally formed. 

Further these crystals mere made of a material that was so explosive that if triggered or activated it could lead to complete destruction of the civilization that might have existed on the moon. 

Scientist A is taking notes of the findings by B.. 

Scientist B also discovers structures that are made out of copper, basalt, limestone, bronze and rock. Basalt is very hard to carve and so he figures that its only possible by human or human like intelligent species to have done that. 

Scientist A concludes that placing a detonating crystal at the bottom is just a mass suicide plan or plan B to escape suffering or invasion of some sort. And he thinks that something must have been terribly wrong for the civilization to take such a course of action so as to obliterate their own species and put an end to their existence by mass destruction. 

When I wake up, the image of the crystal is fresh in my mind and I'm giggling and also wondering if there was any truth to all of this at all. Weird. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

Healing is what I need to focus on. I have written a lot on this subject and I need to forage through my journals to dig it out and see if I can find something for myself. 

Yesterday it was a stormy night. Could have collected some storm water in my jar. 

I'll write about this segment of my witching in the other journal under a label. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My personal quote reflecting on the nature of my life 

Been there. Done that. Been through it. Done with that. 

 

Haha. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to think of a name right now. A term that I can coin for a new concept 

Not a label. But just a term. 

For a specific type of communication pattern 

A type of communication pattern that I'm currently working on. 

.. 

I will call this........ 

Hmm

I will call this Menogenion method of communication. 

It's a supple method which combines literature, artsy kind of, vague, like modern art, not very deep, but combines many forms and features, some clever designing and very elegant and fluent. Very aesthetic. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 22, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have to develop and craft this Menogenion technique. 

It's hard work but it will pay off. I'm glad. I am on the right track now. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I want to start a practice of mantra and positive affirmation. 

One mantra. 

July 23.. 2 am 

 

Yes I can do this. Yes I can make this happen. Everything will be alright. 

Things will get better. I will have the willpower to bring change. 

God is with me 

Honesty and hard work is my reward. 

 

 

Edited July 22, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Repeat mantra 

 

2.50 am. 

We can do this preety. 

You can do this preety 

This is a long struggle. But struggle will win. 

 I will have the willpower to bring change. 

Honesty and hard work and change  is my reward 

 

We can do this preety. 

You can do this preety 

This is a long struggle. But struggle will win. 

 I will have the willpower to bring change. 

Honesty and hard work and change  is my reward 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I'm very feminine. And sometimes I feel like this is a drawback for me. It limits me. I can't grow the masculine in me. It's very difficult. 

I remember emerald telling me that I needed to become a little more masculine. 

The thing is that being or trying to be masculine makes me instantly uncomfortable. It's not my comfort zone. 

I usually feel comfortable in girly girly things. 

Maybe it's time for me to grow some masculine in me. 

I feel like there should be some sort of a masculine character that I can derive some inspiration from to compensate for the lack of masculinity in me. 

That masculine inspiration will probably balance me out. 

I will need to search for such inspiration. 

 

 

[DrewNows]

@Preety_India Heck yeah girl, that sounds right, bring out the masculine. “Me” is feminine and “I” is masculine, interestingly enough, so sometimes I make mental notes on how my energy is moving, and whether it’s where I need it to be 

Edited July 22, 2020 by DrewNows

[Preety_India]

@DrewNows you're absolutely right.