28 cm unbuffed

This strange feeling following me

6 posts in this topic

Hey, so... I did Leo's life purpose course, I did a lot of work, my daily routine and disciplines are pretty much perfect, I also do YouTube videos for my channel in which I am helping people, describing self-development concepts. Everythings should be fucking great, but it's not, I feel like having some kind of existential crisis, like the guy from American Beauty, you get it.

The easiest way to describe this feeling is that I feel like House M.D. I am helping people, being a "good guy", sharing my knowledge and all of that good stuff.

Yet, there is something wrong with me, I feel like. After all of the things I did, I still feel empty, somehow sad, dunno. House's vibe is the best description I've got. I'm 29 and I feel like I skipped a chapter in my life. I wanted to become a rapper when I was a teenager. 

Yeah, "I feel like I skipped a chapter in my life" is the best description, with a House's vibe attached. Not a cool feeling. 

Don't get me wrong, creating videos (in which I can be creative and have fun and create comedy at the same time) is great, but I feel that something's still missing and I have no idea what the hell is this thing. This strange feeling is also: "I wish I could make more mistakes, when I was younger and now I'm too smart and too old to do these". 

I am really exhausted, confused, and frustrated at the same time. I feel like - "I trusted you, God, I followed fucking Tao for so long, did so much fucked up things and hard work, and this is it? That's what I was fighting for and struggling for so long?". Great joke, I'm laughing my ass off.

The fuuuuuuck

PS. Also this: 

 

Edited by 28 cm unbuffed

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By choosing one path, you kill the other path. Letting go is the answer.

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I must say, I hoped for something more. It became mundane just after like a week. I feel like I chose the boring path and life will be boring until I die. But that's TAO, that's smarter, that's how life works, etc 

:>

Edited by 28 cm unbuffed

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@flume

That's just a feeling, I just go with the flow without forcing anything, things are slower, more natural and results are there. 

About the second question - I don't even know if that's what I meant writing that. I want more adventure, purposeful life for me right now became really mundane, disciplined, that's a more productive and smarter way, for sure, but fuck me, that's so boring. 

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It likely will lead you down another path as you go. I do the same thing and it has found me a lot of good things while I am not 100% sure I should do it. It got me into toast masters and I would continue to do that even if I stopped the Youtube. I have found a lot of new skills and things to work on. It has also pushed me to go deeper into my work. My issue is more on the fact that I am teaching something, but feel like I am diving into a whole other level on my own growth and the stuff is much more implicit. 

I'd consider myself quite good at helping and guiding people from just having a natural skill in it. If I continued to hone it I would be quite good. I am still going to dive in deeper and deeper and see what I find. I am not just wanting to make a clone channel of Leo and if I really go into something I want to get to a level where I am exploring new depths and pushing the limits as I get masterful. 

I would not worry so much about competition for it though. The bar to entry is really high in this type of stuff. Just as you are feeling that imagine all the people you see here wanting to do the same thing and how they will feel as a year or so will go by without a lot of growth. I look at more of what I do right now as practice and for my own growth. 

Just feel it out. It is really hard to make the connections of stuff you do looking into the future, but easy to see how they connect looking back. Also, I would think maybe you chose the wrong thing if it just feels boring after a week. Usually I feel quite energetic and ready to go at the start of a project. Now when shit starts to hit the fan and you hit a dip that is tough that is where you will really be tested if you are in it for the long run or not. 

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