Someone please hold me

[VerballyHazardous]

These past few days has been quite hard, bad/suicidal thoughts have been coming back. I am in a constant state of dispair, loneliness and shame, acompanied with a need to be cared for. After my last awakening to love, it's clear that i'm living a loveless life, my family doesn't love me, my classmates don't love me, my teachers don't love me and i don't love myself. The porn i watched, the girls i used to obssesed with, how i used to crave for attention, it's just me searching for the love i didn't get.

I also opened a lot of traumatic memories, some are about how i was abused, some are about the lack of love my parents gave and are giving me, some are about how people shamed me for being who i am. That leads to toxic emotions/thoughts being manifested. It got so bad that i wanted to inflict serious physcial injuries onto others, aspecially those who "got their life togther". From my perspective, i couldn't handle the thought that some people are enjoying a loving relationship, living the "good life" while i'm over here suffering, feeling lack. Mass murder is also a thought that i noticed was going through my mind. I don't think i would act out any of these actions, but the fact that i even think about it shows that something is wrong. I've already vented these thoughts elsewhere, i wouldn't dare to post them in full form on this forum

Extreme loneliness is also a problem. I keep having thoughts that i'm unlovable, stupid, incompetent, useless, ugly, weird, and i'm condemed to living a lonely life (even though God's love shows the exact oposite). Past rejection, people's opinions of me and overall low self estem, self love might be the causes.

One more noticable thing is my need for a caring mother/partner and intimate physical touch. Call me weird if you want but everytime i struggle to sleep or feeling sad/lonely, i would imagine a caring, loving mother figure who would hug me, show me compassion and acceptance, who would cuddle with me on bed. It's a very cathartic experience, i cried everytime.

That's it, if you know any way to resolve these emotions other than just letting myself feel them (is sort of working), please reply.

[Preety_India]

 

Most posts in my Healing Road journal are about emotional healing from both relationship abuse and childhood trauma that I suffered for many years. 

Currently I'm in the healing phase where I'm actively seeking freedom from my traumatic past. 

I'm not an expert but whatever strategies I've gathered are working for me. I could not afford therapy and now the coronavirus situation made it impossible to go to a therapist. So I decided to figure out my own ways of dealing with my emotional issues. 

 

Some posts in my journal are still in their finishing stages but they may be of some help to you.. 

 

I had a huge problem with shaming and its prevalent everywhere, even on this forum, it's inescapable as long as you live among people, so I decided to turn inward and not rely on people for affection and understanding. 

Also my past romantic relationships turned out to be a dud because most of them ended in me getting betrayed towards the end. 

 

This is an ongoing post. So you might want to refer to posts before and after it to connect all the dots. 

 

 

 

This is a post I made on April 16 and these mini exercises might seem absurd at first but they really helped me Kickstart my journey to emotional healing. Since doing these exercises, I've been feeling much better. 

 

 

This is the "questioning relevance" technique that I've been using past few days and this helps me with keeping my life together and having a proper focus on what I should be wanting and keeping the toxic stuff out. 

This is another technique that helps with self love and is very similar to what Leo uses in his latest videos. Helps with love and forgiveness. 

You might want to try it if you are dealing with thoughts of either self harm or harming others.. 

ho'oponopono  is the name 

 

I hope you're able to get over the past and I hope you recover soon and lead a good life and not let these bad experiences from your past defeat your journey. 

 

 

 

[Elton]

@VerballyHazardous first of all let me tell you that your not alone.

Even I feel like hurting people alot in my head, mass killing for me is like the people I'm jealous of should loose their jobs or something like that should happen to them.even I love to have a mother figure to care for me that's why I I'm attracted towards girls elder than me always.

I am personally working on being a creator instead of a competitor, that attitude is causing jealously, resentment and hatred, a creator doesn't have time for all that because he is too busy creating the thing for himself.

Leo's tip ( whenever you find yourself jealous of something use it as a hint to create it in your own life)

Secondly just accept yourself completely I know it's easy said than done but use the guided meditation as starters

I experienced a fatherly kind of love doing that meditation the kind of love I received from my dad, grounded strong and safety kind of love, secured kind of love.

So yes be a creator and practice self love and acceptance apart from being aware of it.

All the best.