Jai

Spiritual Review and Progress

538 posts in this topic

Jul 25

Well it feels like I'm making a change with work. Gonna sleep on it, pray and meditate in the morning and then have a conversation with my boss. I'm going to see if there's a way to transistion out of this role while still being fair to them and setting them up for success after i leave. maybe go down to part time. I've kind of felt this for a bit, there's been some fear and doubt. Right now i feel a little unsettled. That's just how it is. I have some fear over starting over, fear over what's next. but at the same time I also feel like I definitely do not want to settle in to what I'm doing, that I'm being pushed in another direction. So I want to have a lot of faith in God, faith that things will work out. Faith that I can trust my instincts. I've been seeking God diligiently for over a year. Day in and day out I'm taking action to bring God into my life. So I have to trust to a certain extent that I'm walking a good path and have a good trajectory. So I can face the future confidently. It's just I've never had a "normal" life, never really fit in to the normal 9-5 work the same job for years. So I'm a little fearful that I'm not going to have enough money, and that I'm not as secure in life as if I were to do that. So I did that for a year and it's been nice, but I can't climb the ladder. I want to do something else, maybe learn coding more, travel a bit. Work some more also. I think I really want to work, but not with what I'm doing now. So the big thing is just leaving on good terms. Making sure I transition well, am fair to them, set them up for success so that they are pleased with my effort.

+ spiriutal practice: another really strong morning session. it was fantastic. extended meditation and prayer session. going for the same thing tomorrow.

+ attitude of service: pretty decent here, good outward energy, looking to contribute. had some good conversations today

+ mental and emotional states: mostly positive, despite journing about some doubts here i've been mostly in faith today, mostly optimisic. so i want to keep building that

+ life habits: better here, some progress. I want to keep this up more

moved forward today

solid day of effort trying to connect to God. want to keep that up

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Journal session

Today I'm in some doubt and feeling restless over a conversation I'd like to have with my bosses. I feel like transistioning to do something different. But I'm not sure what will happen. There is something safe about just staying and working and making money. And I don't like the feeling of starting over again either. There is also some worry over having a difficult conversation with my bosses. I'm definitely valuable to the team and I worry they'll be upset when I let them know I would like to leave. With a decision like this I'll never be 100% feeling good, just because it's difficult. The truth is I really don't see myself doing this forever and I'd prefer to not be here a whole year more. Over the past year I've put in really good effort, made good progress, so my peformance is good. There is some tension with a coworker, but with this I've put in effort to improve the relationship at work and communication but I've just accepted that it will never be perfect.

Yesterday I felt a lot better about this, but today I'm not feeling great. It's the uncertainty over the future and the financial uncertainty as well. Just looking at it quick there are definitely some cons: having to start over, having to look for a job, how I feel when I'm starting over or looking for a job, feeling like I don't have the direction other people do, not being on a defined trajectory, not having that stable and reliable income that does feel good to work and cash a paycheck. But there are also pros: I know I'm not going to stay at this job forever so just getting on with it, being able to find a way to leave on great terms, not having to always try to improve a problematic communication/work relationship, being able to go do something different, being able to take some time to stay at a temple, being able to take some time to go live with a friend, maybe travel a little.

The thing is that I do like working and saving money. So I'm sure I can work somewhere. It's just how I feel about this. I definitely don't have the normal work/corporate career trajectory. I can't seem to force myself to stick with something and climb the ladder. so that's the difficulty I have. But maybe that's just also me. I know if I work I can feed myself so that's good.

So going to take a little time during the day and then schedule a call with my bosses I think and to have an honest discussion about this.

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Jul 26

Didn't have an internet connection last night so reflecting back on the day the this morning. Good day. Lots of relief from talking with my supervisor. I definitely feel better. Yesterday morning I was in a lot of doubt and was restless. I didn't have a strong clarity, purpose, direction. It was a difficult topic to bring up with my supervisor but I'm glad the conversation went well. I talked about wanting to switch directions and study coding more. I discussed the possibility of working part time so I could put more time into coding and my supervisor was receptive which is nice. That was a relief, I don't think my team will be upset if I pursue this. Or even if I were to leave to do this. I thought that my team might be upset or confrontational over this which wasn't the case. So I'm glad about that. I was overly worried and it was in my head. It's because I do care about the impact of me going to do something else. So I'm glad it wasn't a big deal and I'm glad I had that conversation because I realized really clearly that I wouldn't want to just remain doing the same thing for the next year. It would be too static and I wouldn't grow. So I know I ahve to alter course a little and I'm glad that I had that conversation. I also said I wanted to be remote which is what I want with it. I want to get to some place warm before the winter comes. Anyway maybe this will happen or maybe I will just go do my own thing and find something else. But the good news is I can be on good terms with everyone at work which is really important to me.

+ spiritual practice: good morning session. I now have a good amount of time in the morning to really set myself up right. My morning spiritual time is so important for setting up the day.

+ attitude of service: improved here. better outward energy, felt better after discussing everythign with my supervisor. I felt good about that converation and I had renewed energy to contribute

/ metnal and emotional states: challenged in the morning with doubt and worry over my work situation and the conversation i was going to have. the day prior i was really focused and had good clarity but not in the morning. after the discussion felt good that I brought it up for discussion and felt good about the place i was at mentally. so sometimes difficult things come up to face

+ life habits: good here. really happy about the trajectory i'm on again. back doing good habits after feeling frustrated and lazy here and deviating from a solid path

moved forward today

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Jul 27

Good day all around today. Feel good about the conversation yesterday at work with a supervisor. Moving in a new direction, hopefully I can stay part time and be remote. Either way I feel it's time to move toward something new. It feels good to have already faced this and took a little action to find a solution. I'm okay with whatever at this point. Just got to accept that it was time to move in a new direction and that I was frustrated and in some fear and doubt. So today just felt good because there is relief I've accepted this. Had a good attitude at work. Felt more calm and focused. Savored the day a bit. So no doubt there will be difficulty ahead, there always is. Big thing is just keep my commitment to God and to my spiritual practice. Just really keep that as the focus of it all and the foundation. Trust that I'm on a good path and trusting God and things will work out for me.

+ spiritual practice: good morning session so i'm proud of that

+ attitude of service: got some good things done here today. good contribution at work, good effort, better orientation toward service and outward energy. not as stuck in self and my own problems

+ mental and emotional states: better today, more optimistic, more hopeful and connected. faced a difficult situation and now after I'm back to normal - feeling connected and directed toward God

+ life habits: pretty good all around

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Jul 28

Decent day, had another work conversation. Feeling a little uncomfortable with the changes happening. It does kind of feel like I'm going to leave this job. I don't want to dwell on this now. I'm sure I'll journal about this this weekend. Instead gonna get some sleep and have a strong day tomorrow. Looks like I have Friday off as well. So with all of this I still had a pretty decent day. Just not as motivated and energized as last summer. I really see the difference. Last summer when I started this job I was pretty driven and pretty motivated. Now I'm just in a normalized routine and not feeling as energized. Even though my habits and lifestyle stuff is overall pretty good. I just pretty much see that this isn't the actual path I really see myself on long term. Anyway, all to journal about this weekend.

+ spiritual practice: really nice morning session again. I'm really keeping my daily commitment to God. I really mean it when I say this is a life long commitment. I never want to take time off from seeking connection with God through meditation and prayer. Day in and day out I want to make this an important part of my life.

/ Attitude of service: okay in action, not so great in spirit. didn't really have a true attitude of service today. deep down I want to do better and have this orientation toward the world that I want to contribute. so i want to improve that energy

/ mental and emotional states: not really in a lot of fear or turmoil, but not exactly positive and optimistic. Kinda just sitting with the changes and felt a little dull.

/ life habits: decent but not great. ate some processed food, slept in a little. but also had other good habits so mixed.

still moved forward today

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Jul 29

Decent day but also a big decision looming over work and I feel it. Not sure if I'm going to leave... but I'm leaning that way. Got to do some soul searching this weekend. Just trust God. Other than that a good day with contributions. A little agitated with work but also volunteered to work tomorrow even though I was off so just gonna take a different day off. Truth is we got a project that is pretty important so it's important that I get some stuff done tomorrow. The real big barrier though is I'm not really loving life. I've kinda been there and done that with what I'm doing. So I don't have a lot of excitement or enthusiasm. I want to be more pumped about my path. That's why I'm feeling a change coming on. Basically that's it. Want to have the best possible days and keep my commitment to God no matter what. I also have to realize that it is difficult to start over so I can't discount that. But I do want to take a weekend and decide. What I've pretty much always opted to do is to go for something new and different instead of stay in the same place. Anyway, my comittment to God is strong so I'll be okay. I really want to keep my daily spiritual practice forever. That's the kind of commitment I felt in my heart about 16 months ago. To never take my foot off the gas and to never let up. Just to day in and day out make spiritual growth a priority and I'm doing that.

/ Spiritual practice: okay, but woke up a little late and didn't have the greatest session. Was decent and better than some days so not bad. But the last few days I've had some really strong sessions.

/ attitude of service: good in action, volunteered to help a coworker that was nice. Still can improve what I call "outward energy". Still kinda in my own haead about the decision. Also not truly engaged with others. A day were I was and felt a little limited in action and not really putting myself out there

/ mental and emotional states: decent but not in deep focus during the day. Am not super intentful during hte day either. A couple months ago I had a really strong vision during the day and was really positive and motivated and ready to go

/ Life habits: same thing, okay but not great.

Overall not a bad day, but didn't excel. I know I have a higher standard. Part of the problem is I really don't see a strong and clear path forward. Just gonna have to decide eventually and go for it.

Still moved forward today

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Jul 30

Decent day. Had the day off but decided to work to contribute on a project and just take another day off next month. Felt good to get a lot done so I'm not too stressed about work. Might be leaving anyway. That's a big decision. I feel like I got to make it this weekend also. Other than that I've been having good morning sessions. Got to keep that a priority.

+ spiritual practice: good effort in the morning. also did a nice meditation at lunch. that was really nice to step aside during the day to recenter

+ attitude of service: good at work to contribute. also good when I came to my sisters house. found ways to be helpful. so real good effort there

+ mental and emotional states: definitely better. not in a lot of fear over the upcoming possible changes. just need to be in a place of trust which i'm working on

/ life habits: can be cleaner here. need to get back to waking up really early, eating a clean diet, etc. It's not horrible but I want to set a higher standard. also i'm not feeling really strong. my exercise needs to improve

still moved forward today

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Jul 31

Mixed day. Some victories but also challenges. My internet use on my phone is distracting and a big negative. It's just checking pointless websites to distract myself. It just instantly disconnects me. I got to bring back the phone box and just turn off my phone sometimes. I'm feeling doubt and uncertainty over the future and what to do so I go to this habit. Also didn't have the best diet and just was feeling a little off. Pretty soon here I'm going to have to commit on what to do.  Beyond that I'm glad I didn't watch porn. Kinda felt like watching porn but it's important that I keep that area of my life clean from that distraction. So that was a victory. Also did some nice service today. Washed a car to help out, tried to be helpful at my sisters also. Big thing is just making a decision though.

+ spiritual practice: really strong morning session of chanting and meditation with the monks at the temple

+ attitude of service: found multiple ways to be helpful today. so that was something that made me feel more connected and useful

- mental and emotional states: definitely want to improve here. felt some uncertainty and doubt, receded into a bit of self pity and lower thoughts. didn't have the confidence and faith that i want.

/ life habits: mixed. not living super clean which should be my standard.

I want to get back to living a motivated and purposeful life. last year this time i was because i was taking work and life seriosuly and was not compromising on habits. i need the same attitude: I just can't compromise on habits. i can't compromise on my spiritual life and putting God first. I have to work really hard to build a nice life. so it's up to me to do this.

still moved forward today

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Journal session

I really am not sure what to do. I'm really thinking about leaving this job but I have worry about what would be next. Of course I could work somewhere else but it's just I'd like to leave on good terms and I've only been at this job for a little over a year. My problem is I only have really done anything lately for a year and then I switch.  And it's tough starting over. When I'm not working I don't feel good. Working gives me direction and purpose. I do worry about not having a strong reference even though it's clear I'm not one to climb the ladder or have anything that looks like a normal career. So part of me wonders why I should even worry about it. But money is more important to me the older I get and starting new is always tough. But I definitely also don't see myself working do the same thing for years without a break. So that's the predicament really. The practical thing to do would be to just stay at this job for another 10 months and make the best of it. That way I'd have 2 years at the same job. And I'd have some more savings. But it would suck to just count down the time at work just to say I worked there 2 years. That kind of thing makes me cringe. I don't feel like I've been put on this planet just to count down my time at a job. It's also tough because the practical thing would be to just find a similar job that pays better, get that job before I leave this job. But I also don't want to do that. I just want to take a little time off and travel and take a sabbatical. So even if I stay two years I just see myself taking time off anyway. I could just leave and get another job now... but I don't really want that. Even some of these jobs that pay more. I look at them and I feel that it's not something I really want to do.

There's a lot of people out there that can somehow just stick with a career path, keep on the trajectory and they end up having more responsibility and making more money. That was never me when I was younger and now I feel like I'm trying to turn myself into that so I could make more money. Some people do want different things out of life, or have a different set of values, or just accept that that's how things are and stick it out doing the same thing. What's holding me back also is that I kind of feel bad for our team, I definitely contribute and it would be one less person on the team that would make life difficult for everyone else. I do like some of the contributions I've made over the past year.

The pros of leaving are I get to get on with my life and figure out whatever is next, I get to take some time off and travel - i could go visit a girl I dated in Italy for awhile, i wouldn't have to stay at a job that I don't see myself doing long term, work atmosphere can be tense at times so i wouldn't have to deal with that

The cons of leaving are it's covid time and it's limited with where I could really travel or what I could do, i would have to start over - that is emotionally draining something about that makes me feel worthless and in doubt, I'd lose out on the 401k plan i'm in now at work which is pretty good, my intention was to stay two years which i wouldn't have done

The thing is this isn't the life I want... I'm glad I've given this a try but the way things are now isn't exactly what I want. So I know a change is coming, the question is just when. It feels like the things holding me back are mostly negative emotions - say doubt, fear of letting people down, uncertain future, etc. Maybe I just need to get more excited about whatever is next and just go do it. I'm more leaning toward that than staying. But I just can't pull the trigger - will probably try to talk to the bosses tomorrow.

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Aug 1

Decent day, feel more connected now but somewhat difficult times during the day with the doubt I have about work. Probably moving on though. Gonna see what that looks like and gonna talk to people tomorrow about this I think. Might have an opportunity to work with a friend cleaning carpets which would be nice. That way I can make some money and just kind of see what's next. Today did some fun things to take my mind off of the decision. Was nice to hike and go for a bike ride.

+ spiritual practice: really nice meditation session after wim hof breathing. That really got my morning off to a good start. I have got to keep up my investment with God. That is number one. Really got to keep God first. No matter what happens if I keep God first I'll be okay.

- attitude of service: stuck mostly in self today. Just really worried about the future and myself, didn't have really good outward energy. Need to look to stay oriented toward others and contribute

- mental and emotional states: in a lot of doubt over the future. I want more faith and the feeling that I can't make a wrong decision. That God is directing me and that I need not fear. Easier said than done of course. But I'd like to have that feeling that God will direct me and that I can meet the circumstances that present themselves.

+ life habits: pretty good here. Really nice cold shower, pretty good diet which is nice. Exercise was good also.

Moved forward today

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Aug 2

Feeling more directed today. So much going on with this decision about my job. The wheels are basically in motion. Only thing left really is to notify work. I'm gonna hold off on that for a bit and see how this feels. But already have planned to move out of my place, live with a friend and work with another friend. It feels overwhelming sometimes to make a change. I worry I'm making a mistake. But probably gotta leave that behind. If I want to I can still just find work and move forward confidently with God. The big thing is trust. That's hard to come by. Even with my daily efforts to connect with God and have faith it's easy for me to fall into fear and doubt. I want to know that as long as I stick with God that I'll have everything I need to complete the journey.

Tomorrow probably another big conversation. Dont' have to pull the trigger but probably have to pull the trigger within the next week and a half.

+ spiritual practice: two really nice sessions. felt great to settle in to meditation. it's really natural to have 30+ minute sessions. 45 is a sweet spot when that happens. I'm keeping God first, that is my commitment. I've really committed to this day in and day out.

/ attitude of service: okay but not great. stuck in self, fear, doubt which prevented me from having strong outward energy. prevented me from a strong contribution

/ mental and emotional states: finished the day strong, so that's good. felt better about that. getting back to a good orientation toward mental strenght and discipline. I've really been tested lately with this decision. I really feel this here. so need to do even better

+ life habits: definitely better here. back to clean living which feels nice. it's not good to fall short when I feel off. That's what happens, if I feel off I seek distraction in bad habits. Today was solid here so I want to keep this up.

moved forward today.

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Aug 3

Decent day but still some anxiety over my decision. Everything is in motion, just need to give the notice at work if I want to do that. I have about a week to decide. So I can kind of test how it feels at the edge of the decision. I get a little sick to my stomach sometimes. I have some fear and worry and doubt. That starts to wear on me. Not exactly sure what to do and I kind of feel bad leaving this job. Fear of starting over again which I always do. Fear of not making it. Things have been tough on me lately with this decision. Anyway, other than that a decent day. Felt pretty good about my decisions overall and my habits. Feels really good not studying in the morning. So much time frees up. Feels so good to have more time for spiritual practice, hanging with friends, exercising, etc.

+ Spiritual practice: really nice morning session here. Felt really connected during meditation. Lately this practice has kept up.

/ Attitude of service: pretty decent here. good action and better attitude. not studying so much and being burnt out on screen time has really helped. Only problem is I'm still in my head over what to do and that gets me stuck in self

/ mental and emotional states: decent but definitely not energized, optimistic, ready to take on the future. Somewhat stuck in doubt and fear

+ life habits: pretty good here. woke up early before my alarm and first thing i did was get in a cold shower. That's kinda normal now. Last summer I couldn't just wake up first thing and take a cold shower. now I'm pretty good at it. granted it's summer and the water isn't ice cold but still i'm pretty strong about this

moved forward today

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Aug 4

A more solid day and moving in the right direction. Had a sense of peace for the first time in awhile. I kind of felt that no matter what I do things will be okay. That's a good feeling and I haven't been there in awhile. The upcoming decision has been weighing on me heavily. It's felt really good to just sit with this and now get to a better place. Tomorrow I want to keep this good momentum up. I'm feeling stronger and more confidence. So that's good. I've dipped a little but I've been tested and will make it through. I've also been investing more in meditation and prayer and have been at a lower intensity for work. This is good. I needed to relax a bit and recharge. I've really went hard this year. Gearing up for another solid year coming up. Ready to get motivated and build a nice future.

+ spiritual practice: good morning session, will do a second session now

+ attitude of service today: good here also. better outward energy, not stuck in self. was really helpful and useful to people today at work. took some time to show others how things worked

+ mental and emotional states: first time in a bit that I've felt more connected and trustful. felt good about things and was out of negative emotions like doubt, worry, regret, fear, frustration, etc. Chilling out at worked has helped a bunch also.

+ life habits: lived pretty clean today. really only negative was I slept past my alarm

moved forward today

whatever i do next I'm going to embrace it and match the energy of this year. Just each day give my best, keep doing that over years, and then I'll build a nice life.

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Aug 5

Another pretty good day. I think the biggest phase of fear and doubt is over. I can kind of sit with this decision for a bit before I finalize it. It does feel like I'll make a change though. Things like this do worry me some and stress me some. But ultimately I'll be okay either way and today I felt that. So a little more energized today, feeling more confident and back on track. Also just feeling proud of the effort and growth I've had this year. Other than that I got news that my uncle is sick which is sad. He might pass away even since it's serious. It's tough too because the whole family is all over the country and it's not so easy to go visit. That makes it kind of sad also, not being somewhere when it's important. Families nowadays live in a bunch of different cities which is difficult because not everyone is really close. Today was just thinking what a great guy my uncle is. It's sad to think of him in a hospital. This has happened relatively quickly too which is sad. All this made me reflect on mortality, life and how important it is to really make the most of our time and connect with spirit. When I think like this it's easy to see that some of the things I worry about aren't really all that important. So good to consider mortality for proper perspective.

+ spiritual practice: really nice morning session again, setting myself up for success

+ attitude of service: better outward energy, felt better about contributing at work. Not stuck in self as much

+ mental and emotional states: felt like I'm getting back on offense. seeing life as an opportunity, seeing life as a chance to put myself out there and do my best, more confident and optimistic

/ life habtis: pretty good overall, still can get to a higher standard, especially with exercises. need to find something to excite me and to train for

moved forward today

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Aug 6

A solid day. Was really helpful to others. Cleaned my sisters kitchen which was good. Also met and hung out with a new guy trying to get sober. So just trying to be helpful to him and support him some. That made me feel really connected and useful. Also back on track for feeling more positive and optmistic. Wasn't really in fear, doubt, self pity today. Instead felt more trust. Only thing coming up is lustful thinking. Just being single has been a challenge this past year. I've been thinking about what the ideal is for this area of my life. I definitely don't want to watch porn and I'm not now. But it still feels like an option that is out there. So I want to avoid that. Today this was on my mind some. Other than that a solid day.

+ spiritual practice: nice morning session to start the day right. Need to stay committed to this on the daily

+ attitude of service: really good here. today I had more opportunities to be helpful than normal. So that was fantastic. Felt really good to help a new guy.

+ mental and emotional states: in a better place. Feeling kind of confident about the future. Also feeling like I can trust God and things will work out.

/ Life habits: overall pretty good. Didn't get intense exercise in. That's the one area where I'd really like to improve more. Also had too much lustful thinking which distracted me.

Moved forward today

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Aug 7

Day started out strong but I fell short of my ideals and watched porn. Frustrating how I go back to this every so often. I'd like to get back to the place I was at when I never watched it for well over a year. Now it's like I don't watch it for weeks or months but then go back. When I go back it's because I'm feeling down and it's a distraction. And I'm a little lonely. It's all tied in with poor internet use in general. My internet use lately has been so distracted. Just checking dumb articles on my phone. This doesn't help at all. Anyway this is something I really want to improve.

I think I'm going back to being celibate like I was for 3 months. It takes a bunch of effort to get going and a lot of disicpline to maintain but there are some good benefits. I really want to be at my best in this area. When I was celibate i had such good energy and focus. So I got to get back on track.

I think I got some big life changes coming up so it's important for me to do my best here. I want to have a really disciplined, clean, spiritual life as the foundation.

Tough day that I gave in here. But if I go celibate that can be something that forces me to grow. Didn't move forward today. I can't compromise on this like I did today and expect to grow and make progress.

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Posted (edited)

Aug 8

Tough day emotionally but I took good action. Really filled the day with good things to be productive and move forward. really nice meditation sessions and really nice habits. I'm going celibate again for awhile after recently watching porn. That really takes me down a few levels when I fall short there. It just disconnects me from spirit and makes me feel low. Problem is I go back to it when I feel lonely or stressed for distraction. But I want to be done with it. I'm much better off when I'm really away from it. The 15 months porn free was great. lately I've regressed. I don't even watch porn that often, but it's damaging when I do. I went 3 months recenlty fully celibate which was good. Point is that I need to get back to that level of discipline and clarity. I want to have a good day tomorrow. I need to get back feeling connected. I have a big decision coming up and I can't be in doubt or fear. I need to live in trust and faith.

So tough day today but I put in solid effort to turn it around. Hoping to get some good sleep and get a solid start to tomorrow.

+ spiritual practice: really nice sessions today. I can't compromise here. Credit for doing this on a day I felt a little off

- attitude of service: basically zero outward energy, stuck in self today - my problems, my doubts, my fears, etc. Didn't have an orientation toward others

- mental and emotional states: in the negative neighborhood. I make bad choices and then I have the consequence of visiting this place. I don't want to be here. It is no good to feel down. No confidence or optimism today. Really only saw how things could go wrong

+ life habits: put good effort in here. Lived pretty clean and did a decent job overall. Big thing is becoming celibate again. I really would like to clean up that area of my life. I want to not feel lonely. I want to have discipline and take a spiritual perspective toward that area of life. It's difficult but there are benefits.

Edited by Jai

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Aug 9th

Better day for my energy and action. Did a bunch of good things today. Just had a spectacular evening meditation. That felt so good. might even go back for more. Good morning session also to start the day. Played some tennis which was nice. Had some good phone conversations. But I also fell into some doubt and worry. Lately this has been eating me up some. I've been in a lot of hurt over leaving this job. Just a lot of fear and doubt. So I need to do better than that. My faith can disappear when I'm tested, this is also a product of indulging in bad habits. I really want to develop a really strong faith and continue to grow. So taking care of my sex ideal is a high priority.

So tomorrow looks like the day I talk with my supervisors and put in my notice that i'm leaving. It's gonna be tough but it's something I got to do it feels like. really been struggling with this decision since it brings out fear. just need to have the conversation tomorrow and commit to whats next and then follow through. Then the fear will disappear. Also just need to trust God

+ spiritual practice: solid job here. keep this up

- attitude of service: still stuck in self most of the day. didn't have great outward energy looking for opportunities to serve

/ mental and emotional states: in the middle here. both good in some senses and bad in others. moved between confidence and doubt, optmisim and pessimissm, etc.

+ life habits: good here. recommiting to celibacy for the time being. I want discipline and clarity in that area of my life. I'm also willing to do more to improve this and really come forth and invite spirit in

moved forward today

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Aug 10

Today was an interesting day. I had a really strong morning meditation. Really one of the best in awhile. 45 minutes or so and it was effortless. Just in a nice state of focus and strength and peace. So that felt good considering all of the worry I've been in. At work I was a little nervous about the conversation with my bosses but I just focused during lunch and had a vision of having the strength to follow through. Anyway I was able to talk with them and it turns out they'll let me go part time remote which was kinda what I wanted in the first place. So it turns out things kind of worked out. This felt really good becasue I felt bad leaving because of the work I contribute to our team. Not like I'm all that special but the work I do definitely helps. So it's good I can help them transition and train a new person when they find one.

The big thing here was where was my faith? The past couple of weeks I've struggled with doubt, fear, worry, regret, insecurity, self pity, etc. It's been tough. What's good is that I kept up my spiritual practice during the time. But i didn't have strong faith. So things worked out and I can see how I should have trust. Even if this didn't happen things would still have worked out. So a big thing is to just keep giving time to God and to keep a spiritual orientation and keep doing my best. If I do that then I know life will happen for me and I can serve God as best I can.

+ spiritual practice: decent session now, also did a great morning session. so overall here I did a great job today

/ attitude of service: improvement here. was helpful at work. better outward orientation toward helping others.

/ mental and emotional states: tested in the morning at work. was in a place of nervousness. afternoon felt connected again which is fantastic. so i'm on a good trajectory here

+ life habits: good here. living clean. back on retention and celibacy to get my energy up, get more vitality and optimism and to have better discipline. this makes a big difference

moved forward today

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Aug 11

Good day today. I slept well last night which helped. Discussing the work situation with the bosses was good. Glad that's over. Now I can transition to what's next. So today was a good day because the pressure of that conversation is off. I had a really nice meditation session this morning. Always good to start the day with significant and meaningful prayer and meditation. Decent day at work also. Trying to be helpful and contribute. But at a really chill pace. Overall better day with how I felt internally also. I was oriented well and not in fear, doubt, worry, etc. Much more optimistic and positive.

+ spiritual practice: really solid morning session. Need to bring this on the road which will be difficult since I'm at my sisters with family. Need to set aside time for this.

+ attitude of service: in a better place than in the past week. not stuck in self so much. better oriented toward contributing. so improvement here

+ mental and emotional states: not in worry like I had been. felt more connected and better overall. more faith that I'm still on a good path that is leading somewhere good

/ life habits: mostly good but bad diet choices at my sisters. that always happens here. I end up eating a lot of processed food.

moved forward today

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