The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

May 1, 2020

Sorry for not writing this last night, I was paralyzed by my embarrassment, and my mind could not move after typing it.  Basically, I woke up yesterday morning with my head in the gutter.  I could not focus on anything else for a while.  I could not read or play chess because when I did I blew a game against what would have been my highest rated victory.  My mind froze when I tried to continue typing.  Telling the truth heals and grows me.  I have nothing else to lose with brutal honesty.

The rest of the day was better.  I realized that unconditional love must apply to all of existence or it becomes relative love.  Relative love feels dirty to me because it is limited and self serving.  I may surrender this to understand unconditional love.  This includes good and bad.  One paradox is that I have a harder time engaging in relative love when it feels dishonest and inauthentic.  What moved me away from what happened this morning is that it gradually was revealed as more inauthentic and the mask was unstuck.

I also questioned conformity.  I realized that my inquiry is often structured in a way that it makes me feel that I am conforming to other enlightened people.  This was an implicit motive that limited my growth.  It became a source of ideology because it holds the enlightened perspective as a higher good.  I don't care what my results are or what kind of person I end up being.  If I have a goal of being like somebody else, then I will never be authentic.  I must drop any idols I have if I want to be authentic.

Another example of conformity is the fact that all of my political positions focus on the United States.  This focus is caused by the culture.   Because many people around me talked about the government when I was a child, it made me feel that I would be more important if I were President.  This became an expression of ego, but it leads to dreaming about unrealistic goals that keep me stuck.  In order to be more authentic my inquire should have no goal for me to be any particular way.  The fact that I am focusing on dissolving ego suggests that I assumed truth in spirituality, but I do not know that it is true.

Finally, at the end of the day, my brother for info trouble for a comment which could be interpreted as racist.  He emphasized the fact the a group of people were Mexican and seemed to be talking down.  I was looking out for his best interest and I encouraged him to stop talking like that.  We got into a long discussions about political correctness.  I was unable to describe the complexity of the issue in a few sentences at a time.  I would have to write everything down to avoid being taken the wrong way.  My family said they would not read it because I include too much in my effort to be impartial.

To say "I love you" creates a limitation because what I call real love is not limited to me.

I accept reality as it is unconditionally.

[trenton]

May 2, 2020

So far today, I am more strongly noticing how my mind gets sucked into a thought.  I love it as it arises, and let it go.  This was a lesson mentioned somewhere, but I did not see the lesson.  This is part of becoming an emotional conductor and a thought conductor.  My awareness and relationship to thought is changing.  I am still a little embarrassed about yesterday, but I am not paralyzed.  I may type more later today.

I will not limit love to myself.

I love beyond myself.

[trenton]

May 2, 2020

I visited my grandmother so my sister and I could give her a gift of 100 dollars each to help pay for the funeral.  She had received over 1000 dollars in donations on Facebook, but scammers are copying her name and trying to get people to donate to them.  They are being investigated and I reported the fake account as well.

While visiting I went on a walk and crashed a party.  There was a musician in the road singing and I walked up and started dancing.  This made the experience awesome for everyone.  I then played videogames with my brother until we left.

My sisters started fighting in the way home, and I could not do anything to stop it.  I sometimes can't tell if I make the situation better or worse.  At least my opinion influences how are conversations are moving.  I notice that I am becoming more social as I become more authentic.  I usually trap my self in my room away from everyone and stay away.  I would be very quiet and sometimes socially awkward.  Sometimes I say stupid things that don't help, but I am not afraid of looking stupid so long as I realize it and grow. 

I think as my mind and worldview begin to have a louder voice in the conversations, I can ultimately reduce the suffering of my family.  I am saying I love you more often to my family.  Perhaps In am gradually transferring the deeper wisdom to them, but my constant self reflection is needed.  I used to be very shy and withdrawn, this is an interesting development.  If I limit my love to me, it is limited and insincere.  As I expand, the more authentic I can be.  One challenge is that I am constantly misinterpreted and misunderstood when we make assumptions about each other's knowledge and motives.  Sometimes they start to seem stubborn, but then I just kind of give up on trying to convince them to see my perspective.

My love expands.

[trenton]

May 3, 2020

I first woke up at about five to go to work and was exhausted.  I continued self reflection later in the day after being sucked into the internet for hours on toughty2 videos.  I noticed that I am strongly run by my emotions and it is an obstacle to doing something like writing a book.  I may not always feel like reading and writing, thus I don't.

I noticed that I tend to self reflect with lenses that do not for my typical life story, yet I am not close minded to them and I still manage to integrate them even if they feel untrue to my pre-existing web of beliefs.  It is hard to remember what this insight was, and there were several like these, but they are brief.

I then continued reading the book of not knowing and learned more about the real self.  It is too much to explain here, but the self is conceptual and being is without concept.  I further let go of my conceptual identity to be more aligned with actuality.  All of the beliefs and unravelled are too numerous, but I brings me closer to peace as I recognize that the idea of the false self feels false to me because it goes against my pre existing beliefs.

Finally for chess, I was strongly focused and had chances, but unfortunately blundered against an opponent rated 2400.  I felt mad, but I reflected in how effective anger is for advancing my agenda.  It usually backfires and does not help.  When it does work, I feel dirty about my success.  One example of what happened in the past is too complicated for now.  I will go to bed, I'm tired.

Love you

[trenton]

May 4, 2020

First, I went to work where for much of the day I was in a distant world.  This serves a function of helping me pass time.  I wondered what would happen if I let it go and acted differently.  I noticed my bursts of energy again which might be what allows people to figure out I have autism.  I try not to worry about controlling all of these behaviors because the harder I try the more painful it becomes.  I gradually change little by little as I slowly become less socially awkward.

When I got home I continued helping a man online research the stone wall Dutch in chess.  I used the strategy I found to win a game against a decent opponent and shared it with the man I was helping.

It was also my brother's birthday.  His cake was good, but I get used to birthday celebrations and they no longer seem super awesome.

I am now realizing that I may not appear to be living my life in the best way possible.  The problem is trying too hard to change does not always work for me.  If I don't force myself to change and allow it naturally, my chances of living a good life are better.  

Good luck.

[trenton]

May 5, 2020

For most of the day I was at home playing chess.  I am 10 points shy of being in the top 200 lichess.  I still lose often against opponents rated more than 100 points higher than me.  One strong opponent told me that I was not taking all of my options into account, and I was left with a false choice as to what was the best move.

I continued reading the book of not knowing and I found it confusing in the analogies it tried to draw.  Apart from this it can be said that my growth is limited by following a routine that when I try to shake makes me suffer if I don't allow natural evolution.  I feel like I somewhat have a sense of how I work and I have been trying to figure this out for years.  How to work optimally might be a nice goal.  Getting comfortable does not work for me.  I feel like I'm starting to slack and I don't want that.

One small helpful insight was that my only problem is that I suggest that there is something wrong or bad about me.  This creates a lot of my problems because of how I react and judge myself thus creating more problems.  This would otherwise one minimized.

Love you.

[Raptorsin7]

@trenton  Hey good luck on your path to mastery in chess.

I'm currently going for challenger in league of legends so I can relate.

[trenton]

@Raptorsin7 thanks for your encouragement.  One of the recent challenges is getting paired with stronger opponents.  I am approaching the far right of the bell curve in terms of player rating.  This makes it harder to find people closer to my level sometimes.  Now I am using multiple sites to find players online on those sites who are stronger.  Today I did not get a match.  I may need to send direct challenges to players rated 2300-2400.

[trenton]

May 6, 2020

Today I needed to work again.  I was bored of wiping everything down, but at least I have a job.  My sister spends a lot of money, and she is very annoyed that she does not have money to spend without her job.

My father has a good quote for his grave stone.  "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" from Yoda.  It reminds me of the true self.  Yoda also spoke about how connected everything is until it sounded more and more like metaphysics and spirituality.

I contemplated how fundamentally my behaviors such as performing the awareness exercises, reading about spirituality, and self reflecting were ultimately based on the belief that it is worth my while.  I noticed how I had to believe there was some truth to all of this in order to do any of this work, otherwise I would have dismissed it.  This faith becomes a source of ideology.  It also makes me feel delusional should I start theory building and intellectualizing in order to make sense of it all.  Maybe it does not make sense and the mystics and gurus did not have it right about God.  I wondered if I could let go of all of this.  For me accepting it as it is leads it to fading so change can occur.

something I notice is that the physical sensations in my head are constantly changing and I feel different.  I feel lighter and I would almost say numb.  There is tingling around my head as I feel the pressure and my mind becomes quieter as a general trend.  I think I could expand my awareness to the rest of my body.  I would like to ensure that my sense of self is not habitually limited to the brain, and I can feel beyond that.  Sometimes I cry when feeling body tension.

I reflected in my life purpose and remembered how I wanted to be a politician.  I decided not to do it because it was impractical.  This stunts my creativity and leads to me focusing on negatives and selfishness related to this goal in order to tell myself it is bad.  All of this is lying and I forgot.  Yes I am corruptible, and self reflection helps me to address that.  I am not really as bad of a person as I paint myself to be and if I do then I am stuck so long as I am against myself.  The reason I am interested in politics is something much more powerful.  I view it as the potential to do something great for everybody by learning to let go of all of your own biases and opinions.  It can be used badly, but I like the methods of being open minded and detecting the greatest good for the greatest number.  There is no one and only way I have to go.

Finally, I released a story on rationalizations.  It is in the actualization forum.  I could feel sensations inside my head as I let go of my lying for my survival.  It is like a bubble coming up and vanishing.  This happens a lot when I feel inside my head.

I have been saying I love you more often to my family.  It feels a little weird to say I love to myself so I will try something else.

You are who you are.

[trenton]

May 7, 2020

Today I went back to work and wiped down carts for 6 hours.  In my mind I was laughing at low brow humor again with my head on that topic.  I notice how easily my mind gets sucked into a thought storm and how it does not simply switch off.  I see how it leads to lying in many forms while undermining any sense of integrity.  It includes exageration, ulterior motives, and ideology.  "A man should be judged by the size of heart." Creating a self image supported by a philosophical assertion.  Side note: I just now researched "alterior" vs "ulterior" , I am still learning English.

Eventually I broke free of the spell and I continued letting go of my defense mechanisms.  I also got the idea that I could create the ability to experience attachment and detachment.  Sometimes proposing like they live in a very different world and it could be interesting to use this lens or connect with their emotions.  In the process I may detach especially when any pattern starts to feel like it burns or builds up various lies.

When I got home I played a chess game where I focused like a laser beam.  This level of focus was created by the past humiliation.  I played a tense game against a decent opponent.  I made two mistakes in this game and my opponent complemented my accuracy where I played very well.  He was on a losing streak and he was happy that I told him he played a good game.  If I did not find a sharp move, then I would have been in trouble.  One thing I learned from the game is that I made superfluous calculations.  I calculated one move I could play and one response from white where he came out on top.  I then calculated another move he could play, but it was an unnecessary waste of time of I already found a way for him to be better.  I can use this information to save time and calculate faster and more efficiently.  I like encouraging others and helping them to become stronger.

I continued observing my deeply rooted sense of self promotion.  This means pushing my worldview over someone else's and how bad I feel and burn as I do that.  It is hard to let go of all of these instincts and I cry as I notice how deeply rooted this suffering and dirty feeling is when asserting my perspective, no matter if I am right or wrong.  It is the source of rationalizations and story making.  This is what I am letting go little by little every day.  I used to think that I really wanted to be right because I needed truth for Truth's sake in order to solve anything.  Even if I think I am right I still feel dirty arguing with others over politics, religion, and philosophy.

From the point of view of actualized.org I am letting go of survival.  I see that in some ways of survival does not serve truth and therefore leads to falsehood.  To me it is like letting go of something that is only an illusion and was never there which caused me self generated suffering.  This might be what spirituality calls ego, and I may not fully grasp the depth of this issue.

Other than all of this I had a good time watching Harry Potter with my family.  I noticed things about the plot I didn't realize before while deleted scenes were added.  Harry Potter yelling at Tom Riddle reminded me of me and it was burning.

I do this because I love you.

[trenton]

May 8, 2020

I could not type yesterday because I visited my grandmother and did not get home until midnight.  I will have to type what I remember.

I woke up ready to challenge the FIDE master, but he had the time confused because he lives in Russia.  Instead I found another strong player who if I had defeated, then I would likely be in the top 200.  I was really close to winning and played very well until I got low on time.  This is a very possible cause of my three consecutive blunders which lost me the game.  I need to play faster and sharper if I want to avoid this recurring problem for me that loses me won games.

I was annoyed at the loss and practiced letting go again.  I notice how frustration does not help me to focus and play well, and is therefore a possible obstacle to my goal.  I also realized that negative motivation has a glass ceiling and positive motivation is much stronger.  I know that there may be disappointing losses, but this is part of the process which makes me even stronger.  If losses are approached in the most loving way possible this is a good opportunity for growth.

I then found myself getting sucked into the drama of an intense game where I refuse to draw and have an angry look on my face.  People sometimes get scared as I do everything I can to win.  I don't know if this is good or bad, but it gets me nice results.  I may observe the emotions.  A tournament director also told me he knew I would win by the look on my eyes when I first signed up, and he was right.  If a chess game gets intense enough maybe it triggers a fight or flight response.  

I went to visit my grandmother with my sisters.  I played on the Xbox with my brother and we played star wars battle front 2.  Charlie, who recently turned 12, had some close calls and lucky victories.  I could pretty much guarantee a victory in this difficulty.  I never beat this game on elite mode.  My cousin Joey enjoyed the battle of Hoth.  Meanwhile, I thought the capture of princess Leia was crazy.   Sometimes we were interrupted by my grandmother's and sister's crying so we paused to comfort her.  They decided to bury dad with his favorite Darth Maul lightsaber.  I also needed to message some of dad's friends to tell them that he died.

I noticed that the way I experienced awareness and processed my emotions have been evolving.  It is hard to explain it you don't feel my feelings.  It was easier to observe myself without judgment and control my emotions while remaining peaceful.  I am more carefully understanding how I create my own emotions.

Charlie was about to get in the car to drive home when he expressed how he was upset with my sisters for not leaving sooner.  I told him to observe himself carefully and notice how If he talks like this during the ride it would make the trip more unpleasant.  We spoke quietly in the backseat as I was able to express my vision for the family.  My sisters may dismiss what I try to do when they fight as me wanting them to shut up.  Really I am watching them suffer and I see how their fighting makes them more and more upset with no solution.  I have my own limited consciousness in terms of how much I can help them which is why I explained the value of self observation to help control one's emotions and avoid harmful judgement.  For example, Charlie said they were stupid and I let him know that this speech never makes a heated argument better.  My brother gets wrapped up in lying and hatred, so it would be valuable for him and the rest of the family if I managed to get through to him.  He seems to understand, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing his own self deception yet.  All of this is also for the love of my family where ever I can reduce suffering.  I hope I have improved the trajectory of all of our lives.

In order to maximize my own consciousness, I am seeing more and more value in meditation.  I am starting to meditate more.  At least 20 minutes a day instead of 7-10.  It is hard to squeeze in an hour straight sometimes, but I can definitely do it.  I sometimes leave for work at 6a.m.  It can't always be morning.

You are what you are.

[trenton]

May 9, 2020

Starting with the beginning of the day, I managed to put in 20 minutes of meditation.  I think this overall improved the quality of my day.  I did not yet check out the going Buddha challenge.  Maybe I will.

While observing myself throughout the day, I watched how I had jolts of anger flowing through me in reaction to comments made by people I imagined.  I used to let it flow and leave.  I watched even closer and saw that my capacity for control is even greater than that.  I am actually generating the jolt.  This is the next level I would like to move toward.  This way I do not need to cause myself to worry about if I say or do something harmful because I would not be worried unless I actively create this entire problem of seemingly knee jerk reactions.  The solution is to love myself more.

At work I wiped down carts for 6 hours.  This job is not particularly fun, but at least I am helpful to mankind.  Somebody spilled spaghetti sauce on the carpet.  This was my must annoying clean up yet.  Surprisingly, the mop was very helpful in this case.  I am also hearing my self talk.  It usually is unnecessarily negative.  It is like I am unenthusiastic about going to work under any circumstances.  I think that this makes my experience more unpleasant, and I would like to have a more pleasant and resourceful attitude.  The solution is to love myself more.

Finally I got home and eventually found somebody online to play chess with.  I would like to note that my emotional reactions to the game are still strong.  I was still unable to get a hold of the master, but this guy was also decent.  He played the benko gambit against me and I have a really bad track record with this opening.  I often manage to get a huge advantage provided I play properly, but the queenside pressure is so much that it gets complicated.  I made several oversights and so did my opponent.  I at one point had a completely winning position.  I was unable to convert this complicated victory and eventually lost.  I had a draw at one point and I still lost it. 

Firstly, loving myself more would help.  Secondly, I feel like I should invent my own approach to this system to see if I can get a decent plus without taking so much risk.  I am also thinking that whatever weakness I have with these positions, I will have to resolve it at some point.  I am wondering if the fact that I play these games while sitting on my bed makes me less sharp.  Maybe I should sit at the desk to see.If that makes any difference.  Possibly my diet and exercise are interfering with my game.  Vitamins are also crucial.

The more intense you get the more you need to love yourself.

That is my intention.

[trenton]

May 10, 2020

Today I woke up early and began meditating.  I woke up around 5 or 6.  I'm this process I started practicing self love through intention.  I recognized that it is difficult to get a perfect intention, but I understood my intention to love through intention.  I did not keep a timer, but it may have been as long as an hour.

My cravings for sugar are fading a little bit.  I did not eat as many cookies as usual, and I hesitated to make the very sugary cereal in favor of a slightly less sugary one.  I struggle with breakfast in the morning if I do not know what more of my options are.  I may need to look carefully.  My sugar craving tonight was something I was able to let go.  I decided not to eat the ice cream and I think I feel better as a consequence.  I also ran into a complicated dilemma.  I could not tell if I was hungry or not after work.  It is similar to chess tournaments when I am so focused on the game I forget to eat dinner and it makes me sick in the rest of the tournament.  I decided to eat eggs and I think I am okay now.

In the morning I practiced some chess.  I finished a lesson from improve my chess, and I think the lessons are made very well and they are challenging.  After this I began research on the benko gambit.  I watched an hour long video and briefly watched a shorter video before I left for work.  I think my most promising variations are 12. a4 and 5 Nc3, a rare side line, but very sharp.  I'm curious about Nc3.  It may not be the best, but it is very complicated and a computer analysis may uncover a lot.  The third idea is the benko returned or declined which might give white a slight plus which I can be fine with.  I did not get paired with anybody today.  Auto correct is terrible on my tablet because I often spell words correctly and it corrects me to the wrong word.

I found Leo's video on forgiveness.  I forgave my mother for stealing thousands of dollars out of my bank account.  At the time she was in an abusive relationship which she got into shortly after her father died.  Her boyfriend best her and stole her money which they were likely using on drugs.  This lead them to pawning to pay the bills.  Eventually, she stole money from me, probably to prevent the house from going into foreclosure, or for drugs.  Either way when you let go of resentment it starts to seem insane to pick it up again. 

I have been building up a lot of armor.  This gets me to deny that I have been hurt because I suppress my emotions so much that I don't notice them at all.  This may be the cause of my neurotic thinking and struggle to not hurt myself while fearing passing it on to other people.  This is why I suppress my emotions of I want to avoid hurting others, and it backfires on me especially, limiting my capacity to love myself or anyone else.  In order for me to think straight and to love you more, suppression can't happen in this backfiring way that hurts me.

Although I do not always live up to being the bigger person, I would like to raise my capacity for love far enough that it becomes more effortless.  As I contemplate, get confused, doubt, and follow misguided logic and guesswork, all of it is with the intention to love more, and in the process I feel that I often make mistakes and hurt myself.  I get wrapped up in my own burning selfishness because I don't know how to stop.  I feel that trying to stop is a trap because it becomes a sense of not loving how I am.  Admitting this seems to be more effective than prodding myself forward with logic and consequences.  I just have an experience and particular state of consciousness and emotions now.

As for work I noticed my burning selfishness again and could not stop it.  I started wondering about the worse case scenarios if I continue down this path.  I notice that no matter what I think about, it nearly always turns sour.  I always find something threatening or scary in something I initially enjoy.  I see the kind of person I would become and end up not liking it because it is fundamentally the same person with different surfaces.  There is a deep commonality behind all of the ways I could ever be, at least as my mind imagined it.  there are serious psychological limitations I am facing.  The solution is to love myself more.  My experiences of each day are factored into my intuition which adjusts the way in which I self reflect.

I don't have to logically guide what happens to me.  Instead it is gradually happening.

My intention is to love you more.

[trenton]

May 11, 2020

I am having a hard time remembering everything that happened today.  I started off with meditating a little bit before needing to leave for work quickly.  When I got there my mind was pretty quiet for most of the day.  I had no intense emotions coming up and I simply observed myself as I cleaned everything in the store.

As I got bored of cleaning the same things over and over, I moved toward another part of the store that was cleaned and has employees working.  A woman offered to help me clean before she gets on a computer.  We wiped a lot down, but I bumped my leg on a chair with a large block like piece sticking out.  I have a red bruise on my left leg, and this physical trauma I keep getting from this work might mean I should leave for a job that is physically healthier and safer.

My work with self actualization continued to spill over into other people like with my brother.  The woman asked me how I am.  I thought for a moment and then said positive.  She asked me why.  I thought for a moment and then explained as best I could.  I told her that I felt I was approaching a more complete understanding of myself.  She told me that to be honest she feels like she does not understand herself either.  I started to explain self observation to her.  She seemed interested that I observe my thoughts and emotions constantly everyday.  I told that as you watch yourself without judging and just focus on what is, your behavior naturally changes and adjusts.  As I tried to explain what exactly I was experiencing, I had a hard time explaining, but she understood the exercise and thought that it is good advice worth trying.  It appears that I have raised the consciousness of man kind.  People also notice that I am very happy all the time for some reason.

My grandma came in to discuss the funeral with my manager.  He gave me the option of working 4 hours instead of 8 so I could make it to the service.  My sisters disagree with my decision, but my grandmother does not see a problem with me not choosing to be off all day.  As for now I recognize that emotions such as grief are present.  I don't need to be different, and I can accept these emotions as they are.

When I got home, I found several interesting videos.  Peterson has some practical psychology lessons which helped me with my moral anxiety even though people on this site don't like him.  I had recurring intrusive thoughts of aggressive behavior because I created a shadow of what I am capable of doing.  There was an interesting red talk in which a historian challenges our sense of reality.  Our culture assumes that humans are naturally competitive for wealth and that we are all individuals who seek to serve ourselves.  Actually all of this was because western Europe said so, and there are countless other cultures which have a completely different sense of self and what it means to be human.  Our capitalist ideology is as real as the Roman gods, yet we assume science has everything figured out.

The third video was about a man with autism.  I also have autism and I found many people who faced similar problems.  We often try to force ourselves to behave differently in order to appear socially acceptable, but we often fail anyway.  My inability to do this made me judge myself harshly like the other people around me who thought I was weird.  This led me to depression and I wanted to love myself because of this situation.  I don't know if everything can be solved by love, but my circumstances lead me to seeking self acceptance.  People are happier with me when I am acting normal for me and I am okay with being a little weird.  Other people with autism end up feeling the same way.  Some think that they love themselves and the only problem is people who can't tolerate people who different.  I am becoming less socially awkward as I do this work.  In fact my harsh judgement made me very moralizing which is why Peterson's psychology helped correct this by accepting my capacity for aggression.

Although this information was helpful, I don't want to become attached to information which leads to ideology forming.  I may let this go as I experience how far unconditional self acceptance can take me.  Maybe it has limits, but I would like to see what the limits are.

I would like to love you more.

[trenton]

May 12, 2020

Today I had a very pleasant day overall.  I just experienced high levels of joy all day.  I found another helpful video about the psychology of catastrophizing.  I noticed that no matter the content, my mind tends to be drawn to the worse case scenario.  As I recognize this as catastrophizing, my unnecessary suffering is removed and I am left with more happiness.  The reason I was being held back from realizing some teachings in actualized.org was because of my psychology that manipulated my entire thinking process.  These YouTube videos I found are very helpful and I do not need to judge myself for watching a bunch of YouTube videos even though it is a stereotype of a lazy or stupid person.  I will feel this fear more deeply.

I went on an interesting walk at noon.  I walked toward the library and saw a cannon.  I felt fear as I walked passed the cannon.  I decided to feel my fear more deeply.  I stood in front of the cannon aimed at my face and imagined it firing and blowing my head off.  It is hard to explain what feelings are like because they are very intricate with many gradations and are constantly changing.

Next I walked down to a baseball field where two guys were practicing.  I noticed a yellow metal pole which resembled a penis.  For a second I looked away afraid of how I would judge myself for my gay thoughts.  I decided to feel this gayness more deeply instead of being afraid as focused on the pole.  This helped me to see that actually I'm bisexual.  I don't express gayness for fear of how people will judge me for liking men and I don't express straightness for fear of how people will judge me for liking a woman's body.  By not being afraid of these things as I recognized catastrophizing, my mind became a bit more peaceful.

I continued on my walk and everything felt beautiful to me.  I discovered another route to the cathedral and I stared at the buds on a free branch and their strange forms.  I also found a guy on his bike playing Pokemon go.  In this process I felt that my awareness was being shifted more toward direct experience as I questioned the limits of my current approach being love through intention.  My intuition told me that there is a glass ceiling to that approach, and I think there is self deception created by my idea of love.

When I got home I did eat a bunch of sugar again, and I am thinking I need to respect my body more.  I felt a painful leg cramp as I curled my legs back and I would like to avoid this.  I asked myself what does my body want to do?  It wants to stop sitting In an uncomfortable position on my bed that hurts my lower spine and sit in a meditation position in front of the mirror on the carpet.  I know I created an identity out of the mind and brain, but the brain cannot function without the body.  I have a beautiful biomechanical work of art and in order to work at its best, I need all parts, not just the one I am identifying with.  I would fall apart without self respect.

Before practicing this body awareness, I helped my brother cut the grass.  It was a pain to get the mower started and I let my brother do parts of the grass.  He gradually got better, but he could not do the hill.  He is not strong enough.  Except ironically he got the mower started.

I played a couple rounds of chess and threw a game away to weak opponent on chess.com yet easily defeated a strong opponent in lichess.org.  I'm about at the same spot I was, but I know to not let the consequences go to my head.  As the stakes got higher it caused me to worry more, and I can correct this.  By letting go of the outcome, I can play even better games.

The book of not knowing is also pretty cool so far.  It is getting to the part about the real self where we are not what we think we are.

One thing I won't be catastrophizing about is how my father's funeral is tomorrow and I people might think I'm insensitive.  I see how I create my grief and I can love my father more by letting him go.  I won't judge those who need help coping and I know they want me to behave with silence.  " Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".  I know my grandmother needs to smile and I can be there for her.

You are experience, not the idea of love.

[trenton]

May 13

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I had a lot going on and I was rushed all over the place with my family as I struggled to get enough sleep and energy.  Starting with the day of the funeral which was Wednesday, I worked from 6-10 in the morning.  I was allowed to be off completely, but I saw an easy opportunity for money that interfered with my sleep.

My mother and Jordan were late to getting ready for the funeral which started at 1.  Brie was upset with this although she expects this from those two and she is very annoyed.  My sisters used the word "psychopath" to describe mom's driving and after I pointed this out, they started to agree that they should stop talking like this.

One the way mom and Jordan were picking on Brie.  I don't remember what I said, but I noticed conformity in the sense that I too briefly focused on some faults that the other two were describing.  It is good to notice this because I could have made Brie more upset when we intended to distract her from the death of our father by being goofy.  She seemed distraught.

The funeral was short and had only 10 people because of COVID.  The service was as good as it could have been.  The priest was put in a difficult position because usually we try to say the person who died was a good person, but my father did not match the traditional ideas of good.  This lead to false statements about him at the funeral like "he was always present.". Really he got into legal trouble for not paying child support and he lost custody of us.  We occasionally saw every few weeks, but he was not present as a father would be.  Just don't get confused with this sounding like I'm calling him bad.  I did not write about all of this because there are things people would not want to be said at a funeral, and I was not sure that people would understand my perspective on how dad was good.

I decided to describe my feelings to the priest and to my grandmother.  I stayed quiet from everyone else because I felt that I would not resonate with them and it would make the experience more unpleasant.  Although it is not obvious to most people given his criminal record, I recognized his form of love.  He found himself in difficult circumstances in which he felt it necessary to turn illegal means in order to maintain his survival.  From this point of view he may often have the intention to create good outcomes for his children, but he was unable to because of his dysfunctional survival strategy.  You would have to see him in person to understand, but even a gangster or drug dealer is a form of love.  The priest and my grandma understood the intention and this form of love, but I did not mention the "bad" stuff.

During the service I found myself becoming very tense.  My way of dealing with emotions may be such that I suppress them too often and I don't fully feel them.  I don't want to do this, but my family thinks I am.  Finally we buried the cremated remains with a cross and his favorite lightsaber.  The priest mentioned my father's epiphany of faith shortly after the death of my grandfather.  He described how all who possess faith in God will be granted eternal life in heaven.  I'm familiar with this from the bible and it reminds of immortality which I have not personally verified.  I also noticed similarities between me and my father in that our worldviews were being constructed around faith which I prefer to let go of in order to avoid self deception, not to walk right into one.  I was quiet for most of the funeral as I focused my attention on the container.

Finally, I went back home to get out of my nice clothes before visiting my grandma's house.  She had 5 cats there and I did not want to ruin my nice clothes.  First I played an online card game with Locklan.  He is a transgender male who my grandmother insists on calling Katie.  It was a fun card game.  I managed to beat the computer and a live human for ranking.  The human was a close match, but I shared some ideas with Locklan until we managed to out play our opponent.  Locklan is not very competitive, but I play to win.  I always take my time and calculate my options in order to minimize luck as I make counter intuitive moves to win.  I mentioned one of my interesting rummy moves.  I had 2 Jack's and 1 other card.  I purposely discarded a card that my sister called rum on.  This was to avoid my opponent picking up the card I wanted to discard in order to gain 30 points at the cost of allowing Brie, the lesser threat who did not have many points, to gain 5 points.  I could tell the others were not paying attention.  I have many intense calculations even in games that seem very luck based and I have good results.

My grandmother talked about what the things I said at the funeral to the rest of the family.  They laughed about how I commented "am I gonna wind up with chess pieces when I'm put down there?". The priest said that I was a very kind and intelligent person.  My grandma was baffled at how I could memorize all the moves in a chess game and explain the mistakes my opponent made so they can improve in the future.

I went in the other room with Joey.  We watched A New Hope in honor of my father who loves Star Wars.  After Luke blew up the death star and the ceremony finished, we played video games.  I was not thrilled by the games, but I helped a little with Banjo Kazooie.  Meanwhile, Brie made a social blunder and mentioned Trump around my racist grandmother.  Locklan was calm until they started to discuss sexuality and gender.  Locklan then started cussing constantly and was clearly angry like many trans people when this issue comes up.  My grandma thought that Obama was a Muslim and that this is an evil religion because of the middle east.

My grandma had her head stuck in Fox and Trump propaganda.  Meanwhile my sister tried to dig her way out in a way that backfired.  She was trying to say that Trump, being in his 70's has a paradigm which does not resonate with most young people.  In this way Trump is limited and she prefers a younger president, maybe in his 50's who can see both perspectives more clearly.  Brie said that she does not really like any of the candidates.  Grandma interpreted this as Brie was calling her stupid because she is old, but Brie was an able to put in to words everything I just explained.  My grandma used the n word constantly and was sure we needed a wall as she appeared to have a hard time distinguishing between her perspective and reality.  When I got home I messaged my grandmother and explained that Brie did not mean to offend her and that Brie is beating herself over what happened.  Grandma replied that she was not offended.  I think she might have actually been offended, but did not want to talk about it.

This was a good example of stage blue in conflict with stage green.  FInally, we left.  In the car I spoke with my sister's about my relationship with dad.  They constantly seemed to overestimate how much of a relationship I had with him.  Although it was more because I visited him, it was not like a father son relationship as I would imagine it.  Otherwise I would see him every day rather than every few weeks.  In my early childhood I barely met him at all.  This eased my sister's because they always seemed to envy my relationship which was not as good as they imagined it was.  My sisters went on about how the wall would destroy the environment and how Trump was clearly benefiting from racism.  I struggled to communicate complex ideas because I'm better at writing, but my sisters know that.

As I remember the distinction between the lesser and greater jihad, I may interfere where I can, but the most important thing is my self reflection and how high I can raise my consciousness.

I love all of my family no matter their differences.

Direct experience is King.

[trenton]

May 14, 2020

Yesterday I again had to go in early.  I was wiping down the store all day.  I noticed my mind getting sucked into the gutter again.  It indicates clearly that repression fails constantly when trying to deal with this some how.  Repression occurred partially because of my distaste and self image and partially because of the quarantine keeping my family at home all day.  I noticed that the emotions and fantasies only became more intense, and this is not the healthiest way to deal with all of this.  I would like to have a clearer mind.  An obstacle to this goal is my taste for the emotions.  I may feel them carefully and let them go as with other emotions.

I just continued observing myself as I avoided judging these thoughts.  My manager has her head where it is supposed to be.  She told me that she was sorry for what happened to my father.  I paused until I said thanks for your concern, thinking it was the most appropriate answer.  After that I did my job mostly fine except I once forgot to knock on the woman's bathroom which I was told to clean.  If this mind pattern affects my job, then I will not welcome this.  Just like in chess my embarrassment should be admitted and corrected.  I have the capacity to do this.

Finally, I went back home.  I was exhausted because I did not get much sleep two nights in a row.  I laid around being lazy most of the time.  I sometimes tried meditation on which I practiced my distinction between the thinking mind and the working mind.  The working mind brings me closer to direct experience.

Finally I played some chess.  I focused like a laser beam, but still felt a little tired.  I won both games and am at my peak again.  I am still just barely short of the top 200.  My performance was nothing worth bragging about, but my opponents made more mistakes.  It is by about 5 points.  Meanwhile chessable is doing nothing for me.  All I'm doing is keeping a streak and gaining nothing.  Maybe I can beat test something, but I won't get selected at the rate I have been playing.

 " I love you" is something much more profound than your mind understands.

[trenton]

May 15, 2020

Last night I struggled to sleep.  I finally stopped repression for the first time in months.  I made a mess.  The next morning my mind felt clear of all the fantasies and this feels way better than what I had before.

I showered and ate breakfast.  I had cereal and oatmeal but was still hungry.  Brie said that I need to eat something with substance, but she admitted that my options were limited.  I had a chicken sandwich and was finally done.  I was still what I would call undisciplined in pursuing all of the goals I have set for myself.  I could have read a book or write a book.  Instead I was lazy again today and sat around on YouTube.  At least I started getting caught up on my blog which took a lot of time and typing.  Maybe I should not worry that much about keeping it in order, but I find it helpful to change my behavior when admitting my mistakes to other people.  I then go to sleep after typing this as all of my observations settle and adjust my awareness.  I also get to practice brutal honesty.

For some reason I found myself pacing back and forth while imagining fan fictions about Star Wars.  I came up with a better way to kill off Luke and Snoke.  It would take me forever to explain the battles in detail, but here are the highlights.  Luke holds up a collapsing star destroyer as the rebels escape.  He has copies of himself fighting Snoke and his appreciate, Ren.  While fighting them he is charged by 10s of thousands of troopers, walkers, and fighters.  The star destroyer collapsed on top of the imperial forces as Snoke stabs Luke in the back after Luke cuts off Snoke's right hand.  The rebels escape with almost no casualties in a battle that seemed impossibly one sided As the empire is devastated.

As for Snoke, the battle could have been insane.  The most insane part is when Snoke is sucked into the vacuum of space and his leg is torn off my a metal panel.  A lightsaber melts him from the inside and the sun burns him from the outside.  He relaxes and used the force to cause his severed leg back on the ship to shoot lightning from the foot.  Ren is struck and badly hurt.  Rey slows the lightning flying toward her as Ren throws her out of the way.  Rey throws Snoke's foot into the lightning.  Then Snoke's hand spider crawls to Rey.  She pushes the hand with the force as it vanished in black smoke.  It was an illusion, the real Snoke hand was on the ceiling flying down at her with lightning in its hand.  The hand falls dead inches away from her face as Snoke finally does out in space.  Those movies could have been off the wall and completely insane if they killed off their characters like this instead.

Time for you to rest before you start advancing toward your goals as you take self actualization seriously.  The reason I want this is because I want a better life for you.  I ask you for more discipline.  Perhaps your autism plays a role.  Whatever it may be...

You are 100% responsible for everything in your life.

[trenton]

May 16, 2020

I did have some intense self reflection that I will likely expand on in my book.  It was about how I deceived other people by acting good usually so I can be a devil later on.  It is a very effective method for bullshitting people and I did this a lot when I was younger.  I don't want to do this because I feel a deep discomfort with myself knowing that I am using an act of good as a vehicle for evil.  I reflected on the fact that Catholic priests used the same method of bullshitting in order to get away with the rape of tens of thousands of children.  I don't want to stand by this bullshit and if I were more intelligent then I would not go through the trouble of manipulating people like this in order to benefit myself.  Not with all the deep discomfort that comes with it.  The feeling is a sign.

Now I am going to be doing something different from usual.  I noticed that I am wasting so much time not typing my book.  I am going to write out a list of reasons for typing the book so I can stop this procrastination.

1.  I can be a published author

2.  I can more deeply understand myself

3.  I can make money

4.  I can have a life purpose

5.  I can more deeply love myself

6.  I can develop as a person

7.  I can give a potentially helpful point of view on various complex topics

8.  I can do what I love, writing

9.  My family and I would be proud

10.  I would have one less regret on my death bed which may come up if I never type it.

11.  I can work through the emotional trauma of domestic violence

12.  I can become more honest and authentic as I self reflect

13.  I can get away from the discomfort caused by procrastination

14.  I can become more disciplined and focused

15.  I can study my various chess strategies

16.  I can develop stronger emotional control

17.  I can become free of the fear created by my shadow

18.  I can put this on my job applications

19.  I can get a better job as a consequence of being an author

20.  I can escape the discomfort of watching mindless YouTube entertainment all day

21.  I can do something incredible in spite of the quarantine

22.  I can stop being a bullshitter about awesome goals

23.  I can learn to stop bullshitting myself with impossible fantasies while becoming more realistic

24.  I can stop being torn in many different directions undecided about what to do with my life

25.  I can stop sabotaging my own life

26.  I can relive my high school year from a wiser perspective

How the hell can you still not be convinced?  I would like for you to read this reasons before you go to sleep.  This will serve to motivate you more as your intention becomes more rational and loving.  Maybe I can set a consistent time everyday.  I think 12 and/or 7 once a day would be sufficient.

I do this because I love you.  Because I love you, one promise I will make to you is that I will not allow your life to be worsened by your laziness which you have the power to overcome.  This blog is here to help me love by my own greatness, not to mindlessly type everyday.

you are God.

[trenton]

May 17, 2020

I started typing my book today.  I am almost done with the first chapter, but my computer is updating.  So far the book is awesome and I am learning a lot about myself.  The book is very funny when I break the fourth wall and worry about what the readers are going to think about me.

Other than this I started letting go of a lot of things that are useless to me.  One includes how I told my grandfather I hated him before he died.  It was not as bad as I remembered it and I would not drag myself down by holding on to all of that baggage.  This actually became a source of suicidal thoughts and it made me very neurotic.  I won't do this to.  I can forgive you for what you said, not meaning to hurt him that badly.  I can also forgive your irrational reaction to the whole situation and how your suppression hurt you more than the thing itself.

A second thing was how horrible it was when children were raped by priests.  These events are beyond my control and irrelevant to me.  I have nothing to gain by having this occupy my mind.  Maybe there are other things that are irrelevant to me and should not be concerning.  Maybe I should not be so concerned about abortion, Trump, the middle east, and other things that only serve to disempower me.  I could concern myself less with things that distract me from self reflection.

I also played a chess game against an opponent rated 2380.  I had an opening advantage with black, but I stumbled in the middle game and lost very fast.  I noticed that psychologically I had a feeling that I would lose and it caused me to take a long time while not considering all of my options therefore causing my mind to trap itself In a self fulfilling prophesy.  I made mistakes when I noticed my time getting lower and lower.  Meanwhile, the top 200 are gradually getting further away again.  This will take a lot more work.

In any case I have way more energy than usual as I type my book.  I'm getting tired earlier in the day and I am even happier than usual.  I learned about my jealousy of sister's friends and how people seemed to not want to be near me.  I clarified a lot of my behaviors including how I act stupid to make friends.

Becoming more authentic is a form of self love just like self reflection.