The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

May 18, 2020

I had an awkward day.  I needed to work at 2 which made it harder to type my book.  Meanwhile my brother was finishing up school work at the desk and I did not want to get in his way with my typing.  I typed a few pages anyway from my bed and it was very uncomfortable.  I am working on chapter 2.

I had a very disappointing chess game which was very unfair.  I played one of the guys in the top 200.  I played my normal set up with black against the stone wall attack.  This is the kings Indian set up with d6 aiming for e5.  I was kicking this guy's butt.  I was completely crushing him.  Finally, I reached a position that was mate in 4.  My opponent offered a draw.  I declined and queened my pawn.  My opponent sat there as somebody typed in the chat lol.  People often type this when they react to cheaters.  My opponent was reported and banned when I was 3 moves away from checkmating him.  I gained no rating, but at least I helped bust an engine abuser.  The biggest irony is that if you look at the computer analysis, you would think I was the one using the computer given my high accuracy compared to my opponent.

I did not get home until 10.  I can't do as much as I would like today.  I did find more time to meditate though.  I discovered that if I pay close attention to my feelings, then I notice how I find meditation and sitting around doing nothing more enjoyable than YouTube.  I am not happy when I am addicted, I am being stimulated in a way that I ignore more unpleasant emotions that underlie them.  The challenge is that meditation made me very tired.  It indicates that I need better sleep habits to raise my consciousness.  The same applies to my diet which my sister is helping with.

I wish to love you more.

[trenton]

May 19, 2020

Another awkward day.  I had to work in the middle of the day, and lost a lot of time.  I managed to watch queen of katwe.  It was a nice movie about a woman who overcame poverty to become a chess master.  Right now I feel very irritable.  I have a lot of anxiety from work and I right now I feel like I am typing just to type, but I want more than just a habit.  I am also rushing to get to bed for work tomorrow.

I'm looking at chess coaches now.  I think I need a better method than what I am already doing.  My strategic understanding is not deep enough to adjust to unfamiliar positions.  I want to keep my peek performance for myself and my coach and any students I have when I get a better job.  Diet and exercise are required for my consistent results.  I can't stand feeling tired and unfocused for my chess games.

Meanwhile, my job often become a very monotonous wiping down the store all day.  I would like to better channel this to build a more pleasant life.  Of course I don't take these things out on other people.  I look inward first and foremost.  I would like to better handle these things so I can remain charged when pursuing my other passions.

This is not just to type.  This is because I seek truth.  You may be stressed, but I won't let it get you down.  These stressed States lead to increased self deception, but you are more than that.  My purpose is to be the best human being I can be.

This is for you.

[trenton]

May 20, 2020

I am continuing to contact a chess coach.  He will send me an email tomorrow.  He has analyzed 4 of my recent losses.  The Fide Master said that I am describing a common problem with decision making.  People often limit their choices too much, but I need to stretch my brain to improve how I think.  What is the significance of improving how I think?  What ramifications can it have in life?

This whole process encourages diet and exercise.  My older sister seems to be moving up the spiral as well, and she is close minded to spiral dynamics anyway which I find amazing.  She is installing a meditation and yoga habit.  The meditation is only 5 minutes, but I will be doing them with her anyway.  The yoga I did with her was brutal for both of us.  I can't bend my body the same way the woman in the video bends her body.  This improves my health and impacts my sleep and chess play ultimately.  We will be encouraging each other.  She also gets annoyed by how much I stay in my room isolated from her.  This way we can build a better relationship and become more loving humans.  We are integrating stage green, but she is unaware of the paradigm.  I will also show my sister a video on proper breathing.  The navy seals and marines are aware of this health issue.  I noticed her dysfunctional breathing.  I am still working on it.

I did not type my book today.  I could have done it at 8 o'clock after work, but I was outside.  My work was 9-5.  Dinner was at 6.  I played a chess game and then did yoga.  This leaves little time, but I have a way that will be easier on certain days.

I would also like to let go of self deceptions that come up easily in politics.  This creates clutter and the massive amounts of judgements and opinions being conflated with reality make it hard to think straight.  I also like to admit that so many factors are at play that I do not actually know which stance is "right". Sometimes I can't actually be right from one partial perspective.  The most clear example is the point at which not murder becomes murder.  I don't know these things and I would like to let go while becoming more in touch with reality.  Politics becomes ideological baggage and a lesser jihad.

I did come up with a hilarious video game that would be awesome if it were real.  I will take it one step at a time because I am a somewhat busy person.  This is a video game about politics.  What happens is you choose team democrats or republicans or be an independent avatar.  You then select the most persuasive dialogue to make your opponent's health bar go down as the American people cheer for you.  You store up mana to use special moves like mud shot or propaganda to knock the opponent off balance.  Most hilariously you can take a position from a lobbyist to receive power ups.  Campaign contributions give you advertising to make you popular.  This can boost your health bar or increase you attack or defense stats when mud slinging.  As you out debate your opponent they get struck by fire balls and lightning as they cover their face in shame.  If you say something stupid Americans start booing you.  The final boss is Donald Trump.  He has a special ability that allows him to gain health when people mud sling at him.  "mud monster" is the ability.

As hilarious as it may be, I will let these things go.  I give you clarity and purpose out of self love.  Be the best chess player you can be.  Let go of your baggage and live a happy and healthy life.

I love you with intention to love from abundance, not lack.

[trenton]

May 21, 2020

Today I tried a couple of chess games in the morning.  I may be able to set up coaching sessions tomorrow or the next day.  One interesting paradox I am experiencing is the way in which I use lies to motivate myself toward truth.  There are many examples.  One example is how I pretend on some level that getting a high chess rating or title or something matters.  I construct the disappointment in my losses which has built up envy in the past.  This envy is what I create in order to use as a method for self improvement.  The paradox emerges when the truth is that I don't care about these things, and when I let them go they come to me more easily.  One example is letting go of how I am close to the top 200 because I realize it is all a game.

A bigger example is how I construct a spiritual ego and why I built it.  First I started imagining that the truth was something good or in some way special.  By imagining that truth is good my mind is able to lie and manipulate myself in such a way that I behave in a way that furthers the agenda I labeled good.  Spiritual ego is riddled with lies in that I don't care about truth.  I don't even care about  reducing suffering as I realized that my mind creates this by causing it to be hard for me to let certain things go because I imagine it to be hard.  I thus manipulate myself for the sake of truth, but it becomes an ego or identity with the function of causing me to seek God.  This also becomes a source of ideology.

The paradox continues in that I don't care about truth, but the truth is that this helps me to let go of self manipulation which becomes an obstacle to truth with the intention of aligning myself with truth as I say I care.  Actually I am closer to truth without this mechanism with which I lie to myself.  It does not matter that I become more aligned with truth, and it becomes harder to tell if I care or don't care.  I think it is both answers depending on the point of view.

The part that makes tears swell is the fact that I have manipulated myself constantly for years.  All of this was with intention of causing me to behave in a way that I believed to be good, but it caused so much lying and self generated suffering that I don't really create if I let go of the fact that that is from a certain point of view.  It is a paradox again.  I can forgive myself because I realize that all of this was a form of love backfiring in a way that I tore myself apart.  My mind was pulled in many directions as I sought self improvement through being against myself in a way that I hurt myself.  (Hurt myself, but not really, it is complicated.)

Beyond this self reflection which I think is good, I meditated with my sister again.  She is stressed because the birth control pills are making her fat and she wants to work out.  Granny is happy with the relationship being built, but so far she can't stand more than five minutes of meditation.  We can grow our consciousness together as I become healthier to improve my chess play.  Ego is manipulating me in this process by causing me to be fit.  I feel like crying when I let go of this manipulation to see what naturally happens to me.

Do I actually care about myself?  I love you in the sense that I don't care about you, but I was able to pretend I care about you so I could create a form of love from that perspective.  Without lies, I am left with silence peace and an inner light.  The sense of ego that comes up is that I am closer to truth.  I don't need this.

I love you without lies and I don't need to care about you to love you.  That is how I love you.

[trenton]

May 22, 2020

At the time of this post I am in the top 200.  My rank is 186, two spaces under a WCM, a titled player.  I must note that I got lucky in the last two games where my opponent could have won, but I barely got away before making a quick comeback and winning.  I left a screen shot in an attached file.  I realize there is much more to be done in chess coaching in tournaments to become the best player I can be.  There will be many strong players who I struggle to beat convincingly, and I will continue practicing with them.  At least I can say I set a goal and accomplished it.  It helped that I was not thinking about the goal during the game as I focused carefully.

Top 200.docx

[trenton]

May 23-24

I did not do very much yesterday.  I did type a little bit of the book and rediscovered the ways in which I psychologically program myself with good intentions.  This includes using fear to propel me further rather than backward.  This is by facing my fears and noticing that I have the capacity to be much stronger than my emotions make me feel.

Self reflecting on This it is a potentially dangerous form of self manipulation.  In this case it works fine and gives good results, but when too many programs are made they start to all fire at once.  This leads to indecisiveness while being pulled in many directions.  This leads to self judgement because of the unhealthy excesses that I give myself the stick as motivation.  This leads to fear of myself rather than self love if I do not pay attention to these programs, all of which are intended to be useful acts rather than my true authentic self.  Admittedly authentic vs. Inauthentic can be hard to tell if I'm not sure.

I tried grinding my rapid rating closer to my classical rating, but I need to let go of results to make them more consistent.  I will lose more of I keep expecting to win.

Today I did my first session with my coach.  We exchanged a lot of information about how I think.  It would be too much to explain it all. We discussed how physical health impacts our game.  Today I turned down ice cream from graters because it makes it harder to sleep and slows my thinking process in a chess game.  I still had problems with sleep and had to be to work by 6a.m.  The coach said stress from work worsens our chess game which makes me want even more a job I love.  I don't want to be worse at chess because I work at kroger and therefore can't win more tournaments.  I am getting better at reducing sugar because of chess which I recognized could help with personal development.

My lower back hurts, but the less I stay in bed and the more in a chair the better it feels.  This would not help my chess at all if I treat my body this way.

 One thing I like to reflect on is the source of the way in which I blame myself.  I noticed that I have very little control over my thoughts and I can't always help but experience patterns and what I call stupid ideas.  No matter how much I judge myself for what comes up it does not change anything.  In fact I can recognize this judgement as an automated psychological reaction which I do not need to believe should I say I'm terrible.  This has nothing to do with truth.  My thoughts feel more stable the more my physical health improves.  Yoga is still brutal.  The hot weather makes it hard for me to get enough water to drink.

One thing that troubles me is that I have a hard time telling if a chess course made me stronger or not.  I consider the possibility that I feel stronger, but my practical results could end up the same.  This makes me wait until a few tournaments to say for sure if I improved.  Otherwise it is hard to tell if I feel stronger or I am actually stronger.  The coach showed me a thinking system which if I use normally I would certainly be stronger.  My job is to automate these skills and use them in all of my games.  The most helpful too was find 3 candidate moves.  I don't always do this and sometimes I struggle to find a third candidate move.  When I did find additional options I often found a surprisingly strong move.

I'm exhausted.  I need rest.

What I do is an expression of my capacity for love.  I do not need to think of you as less or more for what you are currently capable of.  All of my behaviors mean I love you more than the simple statement.

[trenton]

May 25, 2020

I have been working very hard and I am getting stressed to tears.  I struggle to drink enough water at work and I think they are about to bring the cooler back for the people bringing carts in.  I had a headache during work and the manager said that I was working hard getting the carts.  I think this was one of my first compliments  I have been drinking a lot more water, but am not going to the bathroom very much.

I still want to improve my sleep quality because I want to get better at chess.  The more I sit in a chair instead of a bed the less my back hurts.  I think this helps a lot.  I am also asking my coach about dealing with the pressure to produce results from a paid product.  It has background anxiety which can motivate me to study more, but I don't want it to be too much.  I am trying to get advice from the coach on how to find the balance.

I also notice that I am becoming less interested in YouTube and scary stories.  I feel that relative to many of my objectives they are a waste of time.  I did learn many things from the self observation that I performed during the stories.  I noticed how the more sucked into the illusion i am the more afraid I get which is a form of fun.  I noticed how keeping information implied makes things scary similar to a joke with a punchline ready to jump on you.  I think this is a good idea if you are interested in creative writing.  Fear is resolved by not identifying with the illusion.  Maybe this could help in overcoming fear in enlightenment, but maybe it's not correct, I don't know.

As for my chess games I lost a winning position on time against a weaker opponent.  I was then badly crushed by a Canadian rates over 2400.  I feel like white needed to find many only moves in order to survive in his excellent defense against the queen's gambit.  I asked him for his advice on playing with white.  I was interested in this system for black as well as it gives interesting chances to play for a win in sharp positions. 

He has a very new account and i noticed my mind consider the possibility that he's a cheat, but I quickly rejected the thought without checking.  The underlying truth was "I don't know" but I acted like I knew.  I now see that he made many studies which is evidence of a strong player.  I also rejected the possibility of him cheating on part because worrying about if people are cheating against me or not does not help me improve.  It becomes a distraction or in a sense a "lesser jihad.". I'm this way worry is useless.

 Who knew Islam applies to chess?

My coach also thinks that I am a sharp tactical player.  People create identities out of these labels of strategic vs tactical player.  I recognize that the limitation is that people become afraid to play positional chess.  This creates a weakness, but I am aware of it.  I know chess is more complicated than that and tactics is simply a part that I emphasized in my games.

I also had an interesting thought starting to occur.  I have been looking at the news while eating, but the events beyond my control are irrelevant to me and they fill my head in a way that builds more stress.  My mind said that I should make the practical decision to cut these things out for a less stressed life.  The reaction for the thought was that it would be awesome for chess if I do that.  I will allow myself to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I am not serious enough about personal development.  I will be careful not use the emotions created to push myself off balance.  It would become neurotic as Leo would put it.  From other people's point of view I think im serious.  I don't need to worry about that thought too much.

Everything I do in this work is because I love you.  I think love is more than a feeling for you, but I do not fully understand it.

[trenton]

I'll catch up when I get back, I had a night shift yesterday and a morning shift today making this hard to type.  I must leave soon.

[trenton]

May 26-27, 2020

It is really annoying that I remember less about yesterday because I had a night shift followed by a morning shift.  Doing my best to remember.

I discussed some of the challenges I encountered against the really tough opponent.  He was rated 2400 and made a study for each of his games.  He described the games in depth and explained where he thought I sent wrong even though the computer did not indicate this.  He seemed to have pretty decent knowledge about the game of chess and I learned from what he said in the studies and out conversations.

An interesting thing happened to this guy today.  I was notified that I lost to a cheater.  His account is now banned.  I cannot tell for sure if he cheated or not, but it is interesting to note possible defense mechanisms used if he was a cheater.  First, he told me that it was shady that he did not have a tournament rating.  He said he did not blame me for my suspicions.  This could be similar to a liar making small confessions in order to avoid big confessions.  A cheater could admit that the behavior seems shady and that he understands my point of view, thus downplaying the behavior.

What confused me the most is that he seemed to have real understanding of the games and he did in depth studies constantly.  If he was a cheater, then it is necessary to be a decent player already so that it seems realistic for him to play that well.  If you did not know, there was a handful of chess grandmasters who had their titles stripped because they were caught cheating.  What makes it hard to tell is the argument "this is how a grandmaster plays, he is not a cheater.". The fact that he was a legitimately decent player was the evidence that made me think he was not cheating.

 I am not too concerned or upset about the situation, but I think it is cool and important to learn some of the possible signs of a liar and a cheater and the defense mechanisms they could use.  A serial killer for example, can put on a mask of being very kind and charming, waiting for you to become vulnerable.  In this particular case, I think downplaying the shady behavior was the biggest suggestion that he was a cheater.  It is hard to tell for sure, but I won't let it bother me.

As for my chess homework it is still a lot.  My job does not make this easy, but a have another session Friday.  I did not manage to organize a chess game everyday as I would have liked to.  I still have many lessons to exhaust.  Chess is a lot of work if I want to become the best player I can be.  The day often seems too short.

As for enlightenment.  I am letting go of what I think enlightenment is because it becomes a source of ideology.  For example, one thing that often through me for a loop is the fact that we focus on what a self is.  I can follow the reasoning and some implications, but it turns in beliefs.  One reason not to focus on what a self is would be because I would have to assume that there is a self, but actually this imagines a separation between a carved out space of reality and everything else.  I feel like I could be taking hard won knowledge as obvious, but I realize knowledge is an illusion. 

Meanwhile, it is possible that I focused on this work for so long that I now have a whole bunch of beliefs which came from what I think are insights.  Now it could be a bunch of beliefs that now feel like reality.  The challenge that occurs is that any worldview I could have is often maintained through lies.  From this perspective I think my worldview is that which is prior to all self deception with which I maintain any particular mask or identity.  This includes, but is not limited to, insulting myself, moral righteousness, philosophical ego and all theories associated with it, my political ideas and positions, and many more. 

Truth is prior to all of these expressions and behaviors which is not what I say I am or act.  The reason all of this is concerning me is because I want to make sure I realize what my worldview is and that I am not just copying some supposed spiritual ideal.  The problem is that my identities are maintained through lies.  My true worldview becomes the absence of identity and it is much more peaceful.  I notice a lot of burning, anger, and a sense of arrogance coming up.  This is another source of lies and it is an identity that is not my truth.  The arrogance that I insulted myself for is something I think comes from taking things as obvious when I know I don't know.  Maybe I should surrender this notion of obvious as I remember it was a lie to make me look certain and therefore advance my agenda being my claims about reality.

When I describe my point of view, the one that feels most honest is the one that flows naturally without adding any other assumptions.  From there maybe I can see what I normally operate from.

I would like to surrender these lies because I value the truth about you, and your point of view.  This is a form of love.  I recognize that what I think of love becomes a mask that I act out.  I surrender this mask as well.

[trenton]

May 28, 2020

I got up in the morning and solved the remaining chess exercises.  The homework from the chess coach totaled 44 exercises.  I just barely managed to finish it all given my work schedule.  We have a session in the morning and I feel exhausted and unfocused.  As I rest I will set my intention to do nothing less than my absolute best tomorrow morning.  This means giving everything I have and being the best player possible.

Work is still very sweaty just like home.  I did not do anything spectacular there.  I noticed abortion popping into my head again.  I often judge this as something useless or unhelpful.  None of it needs to be a problem.  I am curious of what would happen if I were free of any problems.  If I don't judge whatever comes up it may lead to peace.

Finally I say at home and did nothing special on YouTube for the most part except for one chess game where I played unimpressively and lost.  I was never better against the London system.  I still fail to achieve consistent wins against the top 200 players and I usually lose.  I think I should listen to my intuition more often when I feel tired and less sharp.  This loses time on the clock and the moves seldom improve significantly.

Do you guys have any suggestions for what to do with my life?  What changes would.you make if you were me?

I love you.  I need sleep.

[trenton]

May 29, 2020

Today I had my second session with the coach.  The training was hard and I struggled for many of the exercises.  I was blind to "untouchable piece" tactics and I missed moves which seemed to lose material for no reason.  My performance was embarrassing and I pushed myself hard to get the most out of the training.  I had a lot of stress building up in the process the more pressure I was under.  If this hinders my thought process, then I need to reduce stress throughout the chess game in order to maintain a clear thinking system.

I tried to find a good weapon against the benko gambit, but I am not yet convinced.  I won't go into too much detail because most readers may not understand all the variations I am explaining.  I have one line in the fully accepted with considering, I could decline the gambit somehow, or I could play one of 2 side lines.  4 options at the moment.  I will not keep losing games against this and I am going to find a way to play against this somehow.

Out of the handful of games I played my rating overall increased, but I won against weaker players as I could not find tougher opponents.  One of the players I beat was about equal to me.  The one I lost was between 2250-2300 and he played the benko gambit.  If I can defeat these players more consistently, it is tangible evidence that I am stronger.

I did some meditation with my sister.  We practiced full body awareness when I noticed a lot of back tension.  I cried a little during meditation as I often do.  One thing I would like to be free from is the idea that I am doing something wrong or there is something wrong with me.  This becomes an anxiety ridden form of self reflection and self improvement.  Letting this go leads to crying because all of my chasing and all of my frustration stems from this simple psychological set up.  Somehow I am in the wrong.  I would like to let this go for higher self love.

I addressed a source that caused politics to occupy my mind.  A while back I had the idea that I may find myself in a situation in which I need to explain complicated problems.  This lead my mind to constructing all kinds of positions which often had a burning feeling to their maintenance.  The thing is if I am not active in any major movements, then my direct experience tells me that I will either never or almost never be in a tough situation where I needed to answer such hard questions.  If I overestimate how much of my resources should go to this, then I ultimately have nothing for the investment.  What should occupy my mind depends on how I am active, otherwise it is irrelevant to me.

On one last note.  I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much chess.  It might middle my thought process if I do it non-stop.  I would like a solid balance for this to ensure I can be at my best and do my best.  If I want the most out of my training, then I need to check when I need a break.  I could measure this by my usage of a constructive thinking system.  If I don't use this, then I am training a bad habit.

I will let you become what is soon to emerge.  You are my biggest project.

[trenton]

If anybody follows this thread, I am curious if anything said is helpful to you.  Have you gained something from learning about this life and this worldview?

[trenton]

May 30, 2020

I finished my chess homework.  I started solving some of the exercises very easily because there were many signs in the position that I needed to attack.  They were all mating puzzles, but I applied a normal thinking system anyway.

I played against a player with a provisional rating of 2400.  He had a bad internet connection and I claimed victory because the last guy with a provisional rating that high was banned.  I feel like this was not being a good sport and I lumped together a potentially good player with cheats by winning in an acceptable way, but I might prefer to wait and play the full game.  This is where most growth comes from.  This shame prevented me from playing more games for the day.  I see how this emotional pattern can be problematic.  I also see how my chat with another account biased my thinking.  The other account told me that I am way underestimating how many cheats there are and he reported a dozen people.  Maybe it is in my best interest to not continually expose myself to the information he was saying if it does not help me.

I also studied the bishop pair from improve my chess.  There were many games by Gary kasparov.  I think these lessons are very instructive and helpful.  I might recommend this site to you if you are interested.

I went on some walks and I encountered an old man who needed help tying a string to his ceiling fan.  The house was safe and I kept my balance on the chair.  I struggled to tie the string at first, but with persistence I managed to get the string on well enough.  Throughout the process he told me it was fine if I could not get it and that I was doing the best that I know how.

On my way back home I thought about how I criticize myself.  These judgements don't make sense if for that time I did the best that I know how.  The same applies to other people.  It does not make sense to call people bad, stupid, or evil if they are doing everything they are currently capable of given their limited capacity.  This idea lead to non judgement and a deeper peace.  My sister thinks that I think of her as someone who nags a lot.  I don't want to hurt her in this way and I want her to know I love her more.  Everything she does is what she is currently capable of.  She would benefit if I loved her more.  This makes me fine with not judging anybody for any action whatsoever.

I then encountered an old woman who was drawing on the ground with chalk.  At first she was nervous to talk to me, but she later told me that she likes the Beatles.  She thought that I probably didn't know much about them.  I pulled them up and started playing music on my cell phone.  She loved it.  She was happy that I was spending time with her, but finally I went back home to finish my homework.

I feel more encouraged to get my diet straightened out so that my body does not get that bad when I'm older.  When I encounter other humans on my walks it is usually awesome and I learn a lot.

I am in the process of accepting you fully and unconditionally.

[trenton]

May 31, 2020

My awareness is changing and I am becoming more peaceful.  I feel like I don't want to threaten people with my worldview and would this prefer to stay quiet and let people be what ever they want to be.  I am letting go of some of my guilt that nags me.  The reason so many things beyond my control like politics and religion play in my head is because of my idea that if one day I need to explain a difficult situation to people, I would want to give them a well thought out response that will be helpful to them.  This could reduce the suffering of man kind at least in a micro scale as it passes to other people.

I questioned how often do I need to answer these things and the answer is rarely.  I need to use my resources for what is most common, not rare.  Secondly, people do not need to assume that I am expert and if I hurt man kind by saying something stupid, I can let go of my guilt.  This is not a resourceful emotion for guiding my thoughts.  I am curious about what would happen if I surrender all of my shame and guilt.  I may not yet be fully conscious of why I am drawn to these things.  My intention is the greatest good for the greatest number which is one thing that drew me to all of that.  My positions are maintained through repeating them to myself.  I think it is possible that my positions are retained through self deception into thinking it is the truth.  I may need to let these things go for truth.  I am fine with giving a perspective to those who ask, but I will only give them what I am capable of.  Usually people don't care anyway.

As for chess my ranking is higher than people who are stronger than me like titled players.  I need to be careful and continue to do my best.  I had a few victories today.  I had one of my highest rated victories against a player rated around 2270 or so.  In the brief game I played yesterday I found a mistake and corrected it for this game, giving me a good advantage.  I had a small slip in the middle game, but I ultimately won as I applied what I learned from my coach.  I also had a stubborn opponent rated around 2050.  I thought he was not gonna let me win with black but I outplayed him in the endgame.

I also stumbled into an impressive player.  He is rated over 2400.  His real life fide rating is 2293, nearly enough to become a titled player.  Currently I am working on getting my average opponent rating to 2000.  I don't play people rated lower than that.  This guy plays people with an average rating of 2250 and he usually wins.  I often struggle to get paired with strong opponents so I will ask him for advice.  I also studied his games.  He usually plays the London system, but he lost to a grandmaster.  I like the grandmaster system and I will apply this improved defense in my games.  When I follow this advice I will be playing against stronger opponents regularly.  This will be hard, but worth my while.  I often end up playing people rated between 2000 and 2150 or so.  Many of these wins are getting to be commonplace, but don't get arrogant, cocky or expecting to win by underestimating opponents who could be stronger than they look.

Tough players demand that I give everything I have and that is what I plan to do.

One thing that bothers me with getting stronger in chess is that it becomes chasing and it leads to a burning feeling.  How can I enjoy this more without this chasing?  That would make it a little more fun.  I sense there is self deception if I tell myself that I want to be stronger, but I realize the significance is not that great unless I make it that way.  I feel like I am in an awkward position when asking myself about these things.  I would like to see the truth for myself As I recognize my mind is playing tricks on me.  I am confused about how to deal with this.

No matter what it may be, I am fine with who ever you are.

[trenton]

June 1, 2020

To summarize what happened yesterday, I had a late shift and now my sleeping pattern for messed up again.  I feel like my performance in chess has decreased again and this is a realistic cause.  I have not been typing the book in some time because of the coaching that I am busy with.  I also noticed my mind becoming anxious while at work which I feel happens a lot no matter the content of the thought.

I played embarrassingly against a weaker opponent yesterday and won one game because he threw it away.  I know that my work messes with my play in chess and this can help me to choose when my peak performance is.  Alternatively I can train myself to play well in bad shape like a marine would do.  This could make the normal way even easier if I play well always.

I am struggling to remember more partially because I was thrown off my sleep for a bit, if I remember more before I type what happened today, I'll tell.  I will meditate on the root of this anxiety.

I love you and this is for you.

[trenton]

June 2, 2020

Today was emotionally intense.  First my sleep is still a little weird because I woke up very early.  I had a very strange chess game where I lost to a player who I had my chances against.  All of this was the normal stuff without serious problems.

The big stuff did not arise until we tried to claim some items which our father claimed was his, but he may have stolen.  My sister was very upset about how she was unable to have a relationship with her parents.  Finally, I explained how I over isolate myself to avoid the corrupting influence of other people.  She took it in a bad way as if I called her a terrible person. 

One thing that I am relieved of, I don't know if it is ego, but people finally started to see my perspective.  It probably is ego.  They noticed how I distinguished behavior from the person and how I was not discriminating against her.  I have the best interest of my family in mind and I hope we can start to understand each other.  Maybe I was able to somewhat help the situation, but I am limited.  People who need counselling most may not be convinced with logic that they need it.

My younger sister does not want my thoughts to get to me.  My self consciousness becomes dysfunctional if too much of my worldview is a reaction to what thoughts I have.  This includes the thoughts planted in my head by corrupting influence of other people.  Fundamentally I identify as the mind.  If I am too caught up on my thoughts and I don't see that I have "bad" thoughts because I am good and would not want to do that, then the devil is found when good is called evil.  This becomes the problem.

Mom came over and we had a long conversation with yelling.  I did my best to help the family heal and I encouraged the family to seek counselling to resolve this recurring issue.  I could not logically convince them that the family could benefit.  I paused to meditate during the argument as I did my best to stay focused on being the best I can be so I can be the solution rather than the problem.  I tried to listen to everybody and learn their point of view, but it was not enough.  It came up that my younger sister used marijuana and my mother had a crack pipe.  This drug issue has been here before, but even arguing that this evidence that the family needs counselling was not enough.

Unfortunately, I could not keep my cool forever.  Eventually I cracked for a moment and I made a smart comment to my older sister.  Although I recognized how what mom said was true in a sense, I did not help the situation.  My older sister said that I did not need to apologize for anything when I told her sorry.  I feel like corrupting influence is made worse by me imagining that it is there.  That last sentence is peculiar because maybe it assumes the problem is conceptual, but this paradigm may be limited.  The way I think about it may influence the problem though.

My lowest standard is to say forget it if I can't help them and let the family suffer for years to come.  I am choosing a higher standard because I care for their well being.

I love you too.

[trenton]

June 3, 2020

I finished my list about what I wanted changed in the family.  It was late by the time I finished, so I went to bed.  I realize that I am dealing with other people, but I don't want to give up too easily.  I am seeking what is good for them and I will not be blaming myself if I fail because I know I tried.

The things I want the most are the following. I want my mom and younger sister to give all of the information about the drug problems they were having.  I want to find I balance between isolation and connection.  I want my older sister to understand that I don't want you to be upset for her own sake.  She thinks I don't like listening to her, but she makes a lot of assumptions about what I try to communicate.  In this entire process I remember that my own self reflection is the most important because it is in my control.

As for chess my system against the benko gambit is working well.  Most people seem unfamiliar and I am starting to win more games against it.  Now I have to remember what to do against the bogo Indian or make up my mind as to weather or not I want to play the Nimzo Indian defense with white.  I play it with black, so I probably would benefit this way.

Love is more than my idea of love.

[trenton]

June 4, 2020

I was having a lot of anxiety today.  I feel like I am over committed with too many goals to meet all at once.  I have the book of not knowing, writing a book, chess coaching, fixing my family (lesser jihad), I need a better job, I probably need to go back to college, and maybe something else.  I want to be the best I can be, and I see how I can not easily stop anxiety from arising.  My thoughts become neurotic and anxious, but the less I believe them the better.

Chess players rated 2400 still beat me too easily.  I did not have a lot of practice against the bogo Indian defense, and I could not remember the theory.  I got a bad hanging pawn structure and a bad ending which I technically could have held, but I lost.  I tried some blitz on my laptop and the slow mouse made me lose a lot of time.  I can't play like that in blitz.

I finished one part of the chess homework with Lolli mate.  The session is tomorrow.  I paid the full 250.  I feel like I am getting burned out when I am unable to express my creativity in chess.  I recognized the burning feeling when I contemplated what I was doing with chess.  I cried as the possibility that I would have to move beyond chess bubbled up.  I will see where this coach takes me first and then decide.  I feel like I am limiting myself because I am lost with what to do with my life.  I want a more powerful motive and a fulfilling life.

Some good advice from spirituality is helping me to disidentify with my behaviors and habits.  We tend to create patterns for making a predictable life, but the pattern is not me and I do not have to live by it.  When this is confused for a trait, concept is conflated with reality.  I think I am being a self help junkie.  This becomes ideological and the identity created feels like a lie.  I do not need to be this way, but I am somewhat whipping myself because I think my laziness and complacency will give me a bad life.  This whipping should be avoided as it only works in the short term and eventually collapses.

I also noticed that my tablet worsens my emotions.  Still I feel worse when I watch a bunch of YouTube videos which are supposed to amuse me.  They just annoy me because I am not doing greater things. I am sure there are more things I did not mention, but I need sleep.

I don't know and I am lost.  This does not have to be me forever, and I have a mission for you.  Self Love.

[trenton]

June 5, 2020

I had some interesting events today.  I had another session with my coach and I solved the puzzles at a faster rate than I did before.  My most difficult puzzle was one in which I offered a queen sacrifice 4 times and the queen was always immune from capture.  I made the payment of 250$ for 5 sessions.

I then played some more chess games and after some draws and wins my rating stayed the same.  I am still one point below my peak and the players rated 2000-2100 are not giving me a lot of points.  It takes a while to organize a game in that rating range and I worry that the pool will be too small if I set the bar too high.  I tried to ask the really impressive player, but he is speaks Arabic.  I will have to experiment and find a way to constantly play stronger players and consistently play well against 2250-2350 players.  This is needed for my tournaments.

I am also setting the intention to drop all of my ideological games.  I notice I get pleasure from playing ideas in my head over and over as they feel more like reality.  I want to rise above this deception mechanism by letting go of the addiction to debate.  These ideas play in my head during meditation.  The intention to transcend mind seems scary, but i want to see what it is like.  Philosophy is the most dangerous because it is meant to be used for truth, but it is too easy to become ideological about that.  I also feel like I am going deeper into a self deception because I do not fully understand self deception.  I am a little bit unsure of what to do about that.  I want to make sure that my beliefs and ideas do not feel like reality.  Maybe I should list them.

I judge myself a lot for wasting time and not doing self actualization work.  I would like to stop wasting time but I again I get a lot of pleasure from watching speed runs for videogames.  I then feel anxious in the back of my mind, and by comparison I feel happier from writing my book than I do from videos.  If I install this replacement, I would be a lot better off and I can stop judging myself.

I feel like crying because a simple habit change is hard even though it is good.  I can have a million great ideas, but fail to deliver on all of them.  I don't want this even though part of me feels okay with this.  Through most of my life I was okay with living in my head not caring much about everyone else around me.  I would laugh at thoughts in my head and take them like they are more important.  If i recognize the pattern that this often backfires and is not a consistent method for happiness, maybe this is a start for transcending the mind and self actualization.

I must admit that I am a bullshitter and the point of this journal is to help me move beyond that.  That sentence helps me out a lot.

Good luck.

[trenton]

June 6, 2020

I realize that my biggest problem is addiction.  I can't meditate as well as I would like because I am addicted to sugar.  I don't sit still because I am addicted to running.  I don't type my book when I am addicted to YouTube.  I don't focus when I am addicted to my thoughts.

These addictions are putting a glass ceiling on how far I can go in self actualization.  It interferes with my ability to understand reality.  I am misaligned with what it means to be happy.  Pleasure in this form creates anxiety when it is the primary form of happiness.  This is inconsistent and weighs in the back of my mind constantly.  If I could quit these addictions, it would be a major leap on all fronts.

I have been working on my thoughts already with some success.  Maybe I will try to improve upon my meditation habit because I feel more in control when I do.  I think I should try the YouTube addiction.  I tend to skip back into lower consciousness when I watch lower quality material.  I could limit myself to two hours of YouTube.  This gives me only enough time for audio books and possibly chess lessons.

I also don't want to be too attached to chess.  I did not follow my intuition to take a break and I lost two games.  Maybe I need a limit for chess As well.  I try to avoid setting a limit because I want to do well in my coaching.  This could backfire if I burn myself out.  I also have an idea for training.  I could test my thinking system in computer games to see how well it does.  This might make me blunder less, be more tactically aware, and consistently play stronger moves.  This would take a long time, but I need to more effectively integrate this in my training.

I seek a higher form of happiness than addiction.  Overcome your greatest obstacle.  I will do my best.