28 cm unbuffed

Responsibility for others and developing healthy boundriess

5 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey guys!

I was thinking a lot about what is keeping me in a "thinking and being stuck in a past" mode of thinking.

And i figured, that a lot of my thoughts oscilate around people, that I wish I could help. First thing that I did, was looking for a flaws, that I saw in them, in myself.

Then I noticed it might be something way different than that. I think it is connected with how I've been raised and being a sensitive person, this article tells a lot about it: 

http://highlysensitive.org/19/new-article-by-jenna-avery/

I am fully aware, that it is just my ego, that wants me to stay there, telling me that I am some kind of Christ, that has to suffer for their sins, Messiah complex or some shit. 

Do you guys know any practical methods to get out from this? Other than that and these kind of thoughts, my internal is really on great shape. 

Thank you a lot in advance!

Ps. One more thing, I have a lot of thoughts, telling me, that I am a bad person, battle between good and wbił inside of my head, am I this or am I that. It intensified after my dark night of the soul experience, I think, it is just my emotions that are balancing out. 

I kind of feel guilty, because I thought that I want to be a self-development coach, a teacher like Leo and it comes out, that I am the exact opposite of that. 

My „guilty dream” was always to become a rapper, now I am too old for that and I am thinking about becomind na actor.

The guilt on that is that, I do not see a value in it, that I will give the world (again, being too good and this responsibility for all of the world thing).

I’m just sick and tired of my mind telling me, that I am a bad person. 

What is the root problem with ale of that? It is all caused by one thing, that I cannot see. 

Edited by 28 cm unbuffed

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Thinking about other people is a sneaky state we all go through to keep our feeling inside, to keep it from pouring out in a series of solid cry’s. But we don’t now that’s what’s going on because it’s ‘too close to home’. We bury the feeling growing up to cope and deal with whatever the environment is, to do our best at surviving & thriving in it, to make sense of it. Then later we start to recognize somethin just ain’t feelin right, and it’s the idea of ourself we created in that coping & just to get by and live around certain behaviors & actions which don’t resonate with the heart.

From one perspective, it is not a fair thing, to have to experience the outpouring of feeling which was tucked away, a heart which was ‘covered up’. I mean, it’s innocent, because we had no way of even knowing we were doing this. Then, from another perspective, it’s completely fair, a perfect balancing, if you will, because when the idea’s of who we are pour out via the waterworks...it begins to be felt & known that it is the real you ‘behind it’, washing all that pain out, and the ‘real you’ turns out to be the greatest. True real love, realer than real.

This whole thing can keep us going back to the same old places in our minds, try to ‘figure out’ & solve’ to feel better, but all that was ever called for is letting go of the thinking...and just feeling. This is the good news. This is because you were always the love. Always absolutely just, good. 

Maybe imagine a box called “unconditional”. Then imagine shoving conditions in it for a few years nonetheless. It can be done, but that box doesn’t hold conditions really, it’s truly unconditional. At some point that box just gives out, and it seems like all is lost when all those conditions start falling out. Like we’re losing who we are. But then you start seeing you were the box the whole time, not the conditions in it. Not the ideas it created. And the box is Good. So Good. 

Then there’s another layer of sneakery our minds do, guilting and shaming ourselves for the ways we coped, the thing we did to get by. But it’s the same thing going on. An old habit. Just more thinking, innocently, unknowing, keeping some feelings protected. Keeping the deeper layer from pouring out. Trying to keep that box together some how. 

As you mentioned, it is indeed all caused by one thing you can not see. Our own thinking, and our own love. What you can’t see is that you’re fucking awesome, and totally, completely, wholly, innocent. It truly is not your fault. Maybe an apology or two is in order for some healing, maybe some forgiveness too. Maybe not, idk. But ultimately it’s the same damn unseeable unhearable thing that breaks every single one of us boxes. It’s just, love. Without any explanation at all, it’s just love. The “problem”, is there’s just much of it. It’s everywhere all the time...but we again, we can’t see it, and we can’t hear it. Everyone we know could be singing this to us like a damn choir, and we just can’t see it or hear it. Life tends to get louder man. We all let go at some point ya know. Nobody’s gettin outta here alive, so to speak. Life’s saying you gotta relax, you gotta enjoy this ride or it don’t work. You gotta let go. But we’re raised to be tough. So we are. We ‘dig in’ and hang on, in spite of everyone sometimes, in spite of life itself sometimes. It’s cause we don’t know, because we’re innocent. How the hell are we supposed to know we’re unconditional ya know? Nobody knows who they are when they’re born. We’re all born as a total free fall, completely at the whim of whatever seemingly rando person or persons we are. And those people don’t know who they are. So basically we’re born into a mess. 

That’s the adventure of a lifetime though. That’s the first half of any book, movie, song, or speech. That’s humanity. We’re all fucked in this together lol, but that’s the shocking beauty of it, the miracle, the impossibility. But here we are it seems, we all have each other in this adventure. We’re all in it together. Letting the conditions go, is letting our barriers go - but that is to more deeply realize who we really are, and that turns out to be the feeling we were lookin for all along. It is good. Really good. 

So good, we start our own little metadventure of seeing what reality is, what’s really true. Hearing what we weren’t before, seeing what we weren’t before. Inspiration, inner guidance, senses in the body we didn’t know existed. Connection with body & mind we’d never imagined. Inspiration, knowing, readily seeing the details play out a bit more, rather than sweating them. Feeling the ease of knowing a bigger & more visceral vision, that we’ve never seen before, never felt before. Inevitably, in our own way, we help with the ‘mess’, in understanding it, in simply being who we really are. Just you being you, minus a few pounds of conditions.  

When that box breaks, there is tremendous release and an incredible & lasting relief. Thus the mind is at ease, and is more & more connected with the source of all that is, love, creativity, spontaneity, intelligence, peace, magic-ness of the ordinary day. A wonderful and deeply personal change is experienced. There’s less & less reactionary thinking & voluntary thinking when it comes to what to do in life, and more & more desire, inspiration, and just ‘knowing’, via feeling, rather than computing. 

None of it is our fault, and we’re no messiahs. We’re just innocent, and that’s kind of impossible to comprehend from some places along the journey. That’s the whole point, the whole message of any “messiah”. The love that is, all the love in the world, is yours. You are the source of it. So we have to heal ourselves first in these matters, then if we’re interested, inclined, we can help others. It truly doesn’t matter. But there’s no value to anyone in ‘going messiah’. Any guilt, shame, etc...we each literally made it up in an effort to make sense of what we experience. Unfair fucked up stuff happens, no doubt, but we have to inevitably let go of the armor we created to make it through, when we intuitively know it’s no longer serving us, but weighing us down. There’s just a really, really great series of releases, and just letting go. Clarity & understanding then arises, always. Seems kinda backwards how that works, but that can be understood too, with enough letting go. Trust in yourself, let go, you are so good. Sooo good!

And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again lol...a dreamboard can change everything, it can change your life. Out in front of us is a whole new way of seeing, what’s out in front of us. Given this is a dream, it’s the most practical thing one could do. 

If you’re thinking too far out ahead, and not feeling your best, look thinking & feeling the exact opposite way, and act from that reversal. As an example...today, only write down “see about acting”, and let that be enough. You’ll feel good, even with that one step, because you’ve taken the wheel. It’s now headed in a direction of your wanting, synonymous with what feels good, to you. Then the next day, google whatever you feel the next step is. Maybe acting classes or online lessons, maybe auditioning for parts, seeing where & when they are. Then, let that be enough. Allow ample time to feel good for having down it. Let it be enough. Then, the next day, schedule a class, or a couple auditions. Then, let that be enough. Feel good about it. 

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Posted (edited)

@Nahm  Such an awesome post... I am in no shape and further along the journey to fully grasp it yet, not even close... BUT just reading it, it makes me feel so at ease... like "everything is going to be ok..." Thank you Nahm, im very new on this forum but even I can see why people talk so highly of you :)

Edited by Pilgrimage of Self

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