Intense re-identification with Ego.

[Nadosa]

Beginning with Depersonalization und Derealization in 2017. Slowly recovered. Then I totally lost it in a strange story I believed more than what "actually is". 

There was a story about my self dying. And I couldnt say it was a simple thought. It was a deep rooted identiy based feeling all I could do was resisting against. Because I wasnt prepared. It felt like "um okay it feels like I die. So mh, what the hell is here left?" And then there was a switching, for 3 years now, between consciousness and this limited self that thouhgt it died this day. I wanted this identity, this story about"I" that should be let go of to be there, I clinged to that identity, I resisted with every single cell. It traumatized me to the bone. And I kept posting on forums and this subreddit because I couldnt the hell pinpoint what I was going through. It felt strange to be alive. This belief is still very much embedded. It felt like a part of me slipped away. I didnt want it to.

A Higher force always pushes me back to say "let it be, you want to live". 

Still recovering from this...beliefs and memories keep popping up just now because of some stress. Beliefs about my self really being "not here" and in order feeling very irritated about space and identiy, who is here now etc. My body feels like mine but also doesnt and it is hard getting my mind in line with my body. It is hard aligning my new "Me" to experience. Yesterday I felt like I lost it and suddenly I felt like I didnt know where I am. I somehow "was gone" and now I am here again and my mind is coming up with questions "who is here now?" and I keep identifying with it because I like beating myself up, going down the Story, but also because it was triggered by some emotional self-inflicted stress. 

My mind is still clinged to an identity because I am switching between identifying and letting go, survival and just being. My mind can get loud. Images, giant images popping up, words, etc. It can overtake. I tried to cultivate some awareness these days. It is hard. The belief, the clinging to my self is still so deep. Awareness does its job. Its there. But convincing my mind that awareness is my true self just creates this dissonance that there is still a "self" as "awareness" making it questioning why and who it is when it actually "died".

Also I tend to cling to a relationship that doesnt serve my inner growing. I tend to take it as a project. To see how my Ego reacts. To see what it is about when it comes to dependency. Neediness. I have come to good results when there was Self-Love. The relationship improved. But still there is so much negative conditioning. Beating myself up for various reasons.

At the moment I am just in a continuous state of ruminating. It is like I am the ocean. Then suddenly there is a wave. Suddenly something identifies with that wave. And the entire view of life is shifted. Then few minutes later the resistance is let go of. And the perspective changes again.

Like a sky. The cloud-cover comes. I resist it. Because these beliefs seem so...true? Even though I know they arent true they come back and suddenly I believe them again.

Like yesterday. I posted here in order to gain some insight. That from time to time I tend to feel like I dont know where I am (2-3 times a year). It has lessened as I cultivated some awareness but still this state triggered my current state of mind. It feels like this is triggered by a story or certain beliefs about myself and who I am and that my mind tries to figure out what "I" is but cant find one and therefore it questions "who, what, where is I" and all that comes is resistance because there is no I. Leading to confusion and dissonance. In these moments all that helps is...mhh hoping that I get a sense of time and space back as soon as possible. But this time it seems to linger around a bit longer. It just feels uncomfortable.

Mhh. Just need help here. Guidance. I guess somehow it is a bit too much. But at least I got out of my mind. Which I sometimes believe to be crazier than anyone else's.

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa There is a sense of "I". That's ok. No need to fight.

"There's no I" simply means that we're the Universe itself. The planet Earth is alive and we are it. You're free to love being an individual, with plans and all that.

[Nadosa]

I know. But then there so deep triggeres and thinking patterns that always try to find an identity.

It is like I switch between two seriously different perspectives.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

I mean how can I see that I am this and not that which is thinking it is it? I just cant make a clear distinction. Big issue also is that I believe there is no choice and why practise then.

Edited March 17, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

Every moment is a clean slate, a fresh start, the new beginning IS - always. 

You are loved. You are always forgiven, you can always forgive.

The story we tell is the story we’ll continue living. The dream board is a great way to get your wanted story in front of you. Can’t know what it will taste like until you experience it, that is, don’t think making your dreamboard - experience it. 

On 3/17/2020 at 9:10 AM, Nadosa said:

I mean how can I see that I am this and not that which is thinking it is it?

Daily morning meditation.

& Be.   Create!   You are a creator. 

It is high time thinking is replaced with insights, direction, creation - create it! 

Quote

I just cant make a clear distinction.

We just create them. Marry this to feeling - to what you want. 

Quote

Big issue also is that I believe there is no choice and why practise then.

Always up to you. These are suggestions based on what changed my life and filled it with the love and happiness of being & creating. 

Clearly...  more thinking is not needed nor helpful. One tiny step at a time, and that is enough. 

[Nadosa]

I actually want to create music. But oftentimes I do it with people that trigger me unconsciously and then getting in a bad state, because some of them have way too high expectations and therefore they get angry, upset, mad whenever they are not satisfied with the outcome.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Be conscious of what is happening when you are triggered. Noticing attachment to a role is freeing oneself from the role. For example, if I said “you’re a terrible gardener!”, you’d probably not be the least bit phased or “triggered”. But if I said “you’re a terrible musician!”, it might potentially be triggering. The love of creating & music is you - if love identifies itself as a “musician”...one has separated oneself of creation (just in thought, not actually), and because you are creation, because you are love...the discord of the thought, is felt. It’s just a thought though. You can choose a better feeling, more aligned, thought. Such as “i fucking love these guys! I love making music!”

Allow them the space to realize the same. There is no assertion, there is a “bogus belief” you’re holding, and it is resonating with their’s...like how the E string of an untouched guitar will vibrate if an E note is played loud enough through a speaker. 

[Nadosa]

Yeah. I know. As soon as I feel seperate, I feel vulnerable and triggered. And then I resist "feeling seperate" which results in "not wanting to feel seperate" because I am aware that it is a state of resistance and not my nature. But it is kind of as if THEY are forcing me to be pulled back into my Ego. It is like I have to resist this pull. I feel this pull whenever I feel like I have to defend myself. I am so aware of it.

 

Off-Topic: When Consciousness is not located in the body, why does it move with the body?

Edited March 18, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Maybe what you’re calling “feeling separate” is feeling & thought in discord. If so, that means when you are resisting “feeling separate”, you’re choosing the thought instead of listening to the feeling. 

There is no assertion. “They” are not “pulling you back into your ego”. It won’t help you, to blame them. Your belief about yourself is being triggered. Feeling says let it go. Thinking is saying “no. not ready to”. That’s fine, but at least the suffering is understood. You’re not defending yourself, I suspect, you’re defending being right, about the belief, which doesn’t feel good anyways. 

 

“Body” is not actual, other than to say it is actually a thought. A word you learned when you were younger. The actuality is consciousness, and even beyond that, the actuality is ineffable.  

[Nadosa]

18 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa

Maybe what you’re calling “feeling separate” is feeling & thought in discord. If so, that means when you are resisting “feeling separate”, you’re choosing the thought instead of listening to the feeling. 

There is no assertion. “They” are not “pulling you back into your ego”. It won’t help you, to blame them. Your belief about yourself is being triggered. Feeling says let it go. Thinking is saying “no. not ready to”. That’s fine, but at least the suffering is understood. You’re not defending yourself, I suspect, you’re defending being right, about the belief, which doesn’t feel good anyways. 

 

“Body” is not actual, other than to say it is actually a thought. A word you learned when you were younger. The actuality is consciousness, and even beyond that, the actuality is ineffable.  

One thing that makes me doubt so much. Is this one belief. That keeps popping up blocking all my energy. Basically I am aware that I lead a life of Resistance. Since then even more. Since this sense of "I" didnt make sense to "me" anymore. And somehow since this happened I've felt neurotic and like I am a stupid doll without any short-term memory and believe that I am kind of broken inside. Although I had times where I felt good, days after intense self-inquiry the mind always finds ways to doubt, like "why doing it if I dont even have a choice to do so". Then my energy and vibration automatically drops. 

Last time it happened when my mind kind of got lost in a story of "I dont know where I am" and I lost a sense of location.

I kind of fear it now in my meditation that I lose sense of location. I kind of need a safe place in my mind again or somewhere else. I'd like to go beyond mind again to get a better perspective. 

Sometimes I am aware that I am pure openess. But still there is a deep resistance (not identified with) inside my stomach area. Which leads to doubts again.

It is like I want to stay deluded. And I intentionally look for comments and forums and so on that disprove self-inquiry etc. Why do I do this?

Edited March 22, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

33 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

"why doing it if I dont even have a choice to do so". Then my energy and vibration automatically drops. 

Another way of saying that is “my belief about choice does not feel true to me, but I believe it anyways and just put up with the discord, lower energy, and lower vibration, and unaligned feeling”. 

Life is but a dream, and choice is no exception. 

33 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Last time it happened when my mind kind of got lost in a story of "I dont know where I am" and I lost a sense of location.

Yes. In ignoring feeling, one can not expect more sense. Sensation, feeling, is the guidance. Without, one indeed feels “lost”. 

33 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I kind of fear it now in my meditation that I lose sense of location. I kind of need a safe place in my mind again or somewhere else. I'd like to go beyond mind again to get a better perspective. 

 

Meditation is for letting thoughts go. Feeling fear in meditation is precisely from focusing on thought which is not true and does not feel good to you. 

Why would anyone focus on thought which no not feel good to them? Ultimately because they aren’t ready to let beliefs about themself go. Which again, is fine. It can’t be said to be “a problem”, by you, as you are creating it. It’s “fixed” however, by making a dreamboard full of what you want. Focus & mindset & perspective all begin to change, in accordance with what you want - which is the same as saying...with what feels good to you. 

33 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Sometimes I am aware that I am pure openess. But still there is a deep resistance (not identified with) inside my stomach area. Which leads to doubts again.

Don’t blame the feeling. The resistance is not in feeling - feeling is letting you know you’re holding resistant beliefs about yourself. That feeling  is the thought  “not-jiving” with truth, with who you really are. 

33 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

It is like I want to stay deluded. And I intentionally look for comments and forums and so on that disprove self-inquiry etc. Why do I do this?

When someone “wants to stay deluded” it is because they believe something is “wrong” with them. Nothing is wrong with you. Consider that is actually true. 

All judgement and harm-doing...is done in ignore-ance of who one really is. To continue to ignore feeling and hold beliefs, to continue to ignore who you are, is to perpetuate judgement. That ensures the circle of judgement continues, and others will suffer like you have. Liberate yourself, that is - let the beliefs go and start focusing on thoughts that align with what you actually want - and liberation is empowered in love & truth and perpetuated. 

In meditation...allow acceptance of yourself, as is. Let feelings wash out of you. Be done defending “a self” (it’s just ideas). At the very least, allow it to be a ‘time’, a segment of time, which is just for you, just for your well being. 

However you are, is fine. There’s no problem with how you are. A “problem” is a thought, which doesn’t feel good to you, because it’s not true. 

Begin to realize...judgement & anger are indeed like holding a hot coal. The one who judges, the one who refuses to accept they’re choosing their own perspectives - is the one getting burned. The one being judged - is affected or not, to the degree they hold beliefs about themselves which are not true and do not feel good - or to the extent they transcend judgement, by letting their own - go.

Consider there might be some bypassing at play too. I find, in my sessions, people are often looking for an existential answer in thought / reasoning, to feel better....but the default is feeling better...so nothing need be gained, just beliefs at play about one’s self, likely ‘picked up’ from other peoples’ ignore-ance of their own feelings, that can be let go. 

Only if you are ready to....consider going back and reading your original post here....in the light and truth that it is only thoughts...which do not feel good to you. Write down what does feel good to you. By focusing on that it will grow. Accept that, ‘this’ situation which you are experiencing, has been exactly that. You’re getting more of what you’re focusing on. Take it slow, self-love is key...you will feel the momentum in aligning thought & feeling, and it is delightful, and gets better and better everyday. Wonderful feeling awaits - you. ...And it will wait, because the source of you is patient, kind, and unconditional. “It”, can not “come to you”, which is to say, what is unconditional can’t “meet” you at your conditions. Let them go however - and you will see, you are already “enough”. 

[Nadosa]

Thank you.

It is a bit difficult to grasp what you're saying. I've already had a realization that I am totally responsible for my happiness, for what I want, for basically everything. That there is not even a need to believe thoughts. 

[Nadosa]

What I can add is. When suffering is on its peak. I can very clearly distinguish between "mind" and experience. Hence, choosing experience brings total selfless freedom. But as soon as mind changes to default thinking, I cant draw this distinction and mind feels like self. Just self-inquiry makes it possible.

So I will order a dream board. Like a normal white board?

Edited March 22, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

28 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Thank you.

It is a bit difficult to grasp what you're saying. I've already had a realization that I am totally responsible for my happiness, for what I want, for basically everything. That there is not even a need to believe thoughts. 

Thank you. 

Keep asking, inspecting, and you continue to understand more and more. Self inspection ‘works’. Help from others ‘works’. Take everything which ‘works’ and serves you, and leave the rest. No more ruminating. ♥️ You are not alone on this, unless you choose to be. That’d be silly though, as we do all have each other here. 

There is not even a need to believe the thought “I am responsible for my happiness”. You=happiness. You will see this, it is glorious, truly you are, it can take time and patience - and some focus.

14 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

What I can add is. When suffering is on its peak. I can very clearly distinguish between "mind" and experience. Hence, choosing experience brings total selfless freedom. But as soon as mind changes to default thinkin, I cant draw this distinction and mind feels like self. Just self-inquiry makes it possible.

So I will order a dream board. Like a normal white board?

The dream board is going to change this, as your inner kriya, your choice to change, is paramount. Reality does follow! You will see, you will feel this.

That “default thinkin”...it’s the conditioning, and it shall be shed like the skin of a snake. Not trying to “go Christian on you”...but you know, in the Bible, when it’s reads... “And God said let there be”....what those words are trying to get across to us, is when God says “Let there be”....it is! 

You just utter the words - “let there be”.  Dive into that feeling. Let that wash over you. By making the choice for you, it indeed will be so. No one else need acknowledge, understand, nor share you views. Let them be on their path. 

I find that double sided boards on wheels are superior.... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079G8CHX3?tag=duckduckgo-ipad-20&linkCode=osi&th=1&psc=1. If that one’s too pricey for now, order a cheaper one. 

Whatever teacher or teaching resonates with you, that is, feels best to you - drown yourself in it. What feels good to you to eat, eat that. Whatever does not feel good to you (to think)...just leave that on the buffet, and don’t judge...someone else might want that. Don’t hog all the thoughts.

 

 

 

[Nadosa]

Thank you. 

[Nahm]

Every kid loves hide and seek. 

You (and me) are still those kids. 

Have fun with the whole thing. 

Love ya. 

[Nadosa]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

Every kid loves hide and seek. 

You (and me) are still those kids. 

Have fun with the whole thing. 

Love ya. 

I just recorded some drums for my Songs. But unconsciously there was suffering and resistance not particularly because I was creating music, rather because I feel like I cant believe that I am actually okay and fine. Also things related to my self dont make sense. Self-Love. Who do I love? Because I dont actually feel like there is someone to love rather than this experience right now.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

“I can’t believe that I am actually okay and fine”...... You can’t believe it, because it’s the truth. So let beliefs, conditions, go. What will remain is what can not be let go. 

You could write a header on a piece of paper... “ My Conditions “, and then write your conditions down. Getting them in front of you so to speak, is different than ‘in the head’ (rumination). Be willing to see your conditions. It is liberating. 

Consider self-honesty. If you are aware there is not someone else to love, this can not be said in honesty, to be any kind of “problem” whatsoever. 

More practically speaking.... you can...uh....just go ahead and....love everybody. You created a huge variety.

If more truly what you are wanting is someone to love, to be with and experience with - you can. 

Above all my ramblings - ask yourself with these or any thoughts ‘ “how does this thought feel, good or not good”. And listen to feeling. 

[Nadosa]

25 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa

“I can’t believe that I am actually okay and fine”...... You can’t believe it, because it’s the truth. So let beliefs, conditions, go. What will remain is what can not be let go. 

You could write a header on a piece of paper... “ My Conditions “, and then write your conditions down. Getting them in front of you so to speak, is different than ‘in the head’ (rumination). Be willing to see your conditions. It is liberating. 

Consider self-honesty. If you are aware there is not someone else to love, this can not be said in honesty, to be any kind of “problem” whatsoever. 

More practically speaking.... you can...uh....just go ahead and....love everybody. You created a huge variety.

If more truly what you are wanting is someone to love, to be with and experience with - you can. 

Above all my ramblings - ask yourself with these or any thoughts ‘ “how does this thought feel, good or not good”. And listen to feeling. 

25 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa

“I can’t believe that I am actually okay and fine”...... You can’t believe it, because it’s the truth. So let beliefs, conditions, go. What will remain is what can not be let go. 

You could write a header on a piece of paper... “ My Conditions “, and then write your conditions down. Getting them in front of you so to speak, is different than ‘in the head’ (rumination). Be willing to see your conditions. It is liberating. 

Consider self-honesty. If you are aware there is not someone else to love, this can not be said in honesty, to be any kind of “problem” whatsoever. 

More practically speaking.... you can...uh....just go ahead and....love everybody. You created a huge variety.

If more truly what you are wanting is someone to love, to be with and experience with - you can. 

Above all my ramblings - ask yourself with these or any thoughts ‘ “how does this thought feel, good or not good”. And listen to feeling. 

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

I mean by that, that there is no one related to "me" and "I" to love. I cant find a "self" to be loved.

Edited March 22, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Do you mean you can’t find a you within you, to be loved?