Balance vs. Imbalance

[Lento]

Reading the new post from @Serotoninluv's journal.. I should say I'm amazed! He is definitely a great man! I like his style of breaking things/thoughts/reality down in very simple, yet clever ways. He seems to always be on point. Anyway, so he's talked about his OCD and ADD, both of which I've experienced, while having the former completely cured, and the latter improved. I'm not really an intelligent person, so I don't always have the luxury of being able to articulate my thoughts. I do have depth, but I don't know how to demonstrate it like he does. I usually go with my intuition, and it's working fine. My OCD began to form unconsciously, it was hygiene OCD. Not that I was afraid of germs or disease, not at all. I used to be a Muslim, and I used to have certain beliefs regarding hygiene. Like for example, washing up for prayer should be done this way and not some other way. More specifically, I would go into looping excruciating thoughts, especially with washing the feet, because when I would wash one foot, the water would splash on the other foot. I used to believe that that water wasn't clean (according to the Islamic standards). Another example, if I touched a dog, I should wash my hands seven times. So, as I had been trying to get those things done, I lose focus because I would get stuck in my mind thinking about them and about other things, mainly sins. I know that this seems irrational, perhaps even ridiculous, but I used to be like that. And I'm not ashamed of that. I actually am proud to have gone through it and finally found the root cause. It was fear! Fear was underlining every move I used to make. In my case, that fear had two main components, fear of letting go of my beliefs, which gave rise to fear of the punishment of Allah. I had to work through them both, and I am not a Muslim anymore. I started to question my beliefs until I've realise that Allah is not evil and will not punish me. And eventually I've basically got rid of all of them. Still, it wasn't that simple, and not at all easy. There were other components that were involved. I had to face my fear head-on. It was about two and a half years ago, I was doing my regular OCD activities, when I suddenly got sick of it all. The suffering was so much to handle. I couldn't take it anymore. So, I said, you know what? Fuck this! Fuck everything, and every God if they're that evil! I don't want anything. I just want peace. At that moment, something clicked, and then after that, things started to change. It was a moment of complete surrendering, even though it may sound like the exact opposite. At that moment, I actually surrendered to the true God, the only God. Reality! I was not afraid of the imaginary Allah anymore. Goodbye OCD! See you never. Of course, I wasn't magically cured spontaneously, but something at the core changed, and then change in my external reality started to manifest. Also, after about two months from that event, I've experienced an ego-death, which lasted for quite a while. Besides the fact that I limited my exposure to water for a very long time (most of a complete winter). And when I got back to the normal life again, I came back with a new awareness. So, I guess those were the components that helped me get over my OCD.

My ADD is a different matter, still. I haven't been diagnosed with it because I haven't even checked with a doctor (I haven't checked with the OCD either). All I can say is that it's getting better, although not sure how. I meditate a lot, so that's curing me from every illness I have, I guess.

I have no experience with anxieties in general, although I think that's virtually impossible. What I do know, though, is that Serotoninluv is a great person. I honestly find it difficult to believe that he would ever harm anyone. I've had many encounters with him, and he has always been a good person, showing all signs of maturity and empathy. If you're reading, all respect and love are due to you, my friend ??♥️

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So, yesterday, I've had this feeling, and I went with it. After work, I felt like walking, so I walked for two hours straight. During that period, I've experienced levels of equanimity I haven't experienced in a year. Everything seemed silent and serene. My mind was focused, yet very calm and relaxed. I walked by a garden back and forth, and then through a park. The atmosphere felt familiar, and with ego-death fragrance, I died. It was amazing!

Today I felt very energetic, and went on with my daily routine. Right now, I'm going to watch this video: 

 

and then I'm going to chat with my best friend. It's our sacred ritual!

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 1/20/2020 at 0:55 PM, Lento said:

I'm digging into the Enneagram model. It's very interesting so far! I don't think it's enough to read a model once. I need to let it sink into my subconscious mind for it to become of value. It's not a lens until you've stopped thinking of it as a lens. You have to put it on.

Some of the things you've written sounds like something a counter-phobic enneatype 6 would say. That's what I've typed myself as. If you care to think out loud about which type of personality you have, or have typed yourself as, I would find it interesting.

Regardless, I'm enjoying your Journal. ?‍♂️?

[Lento]

Letting go is the most difficult thing there is, but it's the most rewarding thing as well. Some things simply aren't meant to be, no matter how much you want them to be.

"It's the things we love most that destroy us"

Life goes on, and it's time to move on...

[Lento]

25 minutes into the video, and I'm completely awake! I didn't need to watch the rest of it, although I will, sometime soon. The way he articulated the things I was contemplating (fear, death, and fear of death) for a while was perfect, and it clicked! There's nothing to be afraid of, literally! Nothing is holding you back but fear. I guess that's what Leo meant when he said that he would change his approach, although I'm not sure, maybe it only clicked for me.

The key is to not overthink it. Just realise the obvious fact! The Absolute Truth.

Still, Leo has probably used some substance to get there, but in reality there's no there! That's what most people don't understand! Here is there. You're already there, you're just ignoring it. You're just overthinking it. It's overwhelming though, so I can't blame you, lol.

It's time to embrace everything fully. Living up to the fullest of every moment is the ultimate priority! Live your life! Have no fear!

[Lento]

Tonight was sensational like I never expected. I left work. I've had moments of closure when me and my co-workers shared lovely forgiveness, and hopes of better future for all, and promises to keep in touch.

It's interesting how things get synchronised in such a way. Yesterday, I had to let go of my loved one. Now, I'm suffocated with the free time I have. I've created a schedule for tomorrow and a map for the whole scheduling system. The system is very flexible, simple, easy, and yet at the same time very effective, or at least, fulfilling from the first look. I can't wait to see how it'll work in the next few days. I'll update the journal to keep track of it. I keep realising over and over again that there's time for everything. All you need to do is organising your time. Always plan your day one day ahead. Better yet, always plan it on paper and keep checking it.

My system mainly includes (order according to priority);

1. Studying.
2. Practices (including journaling).
3. Working out.
4. Researching.

The 4 components are spread throughout the day, and they're not supposed to be completed one after the other. Plus, there's time for taking a rest spread throughout the day as well. The details are not supposed to be part of this journal, so I'll just stop right here.

Edited January 30, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

Awakening is a state of complete self-expression, without any resistance to oneself whatsoever. There's a lot to say, but I'll try to be brief as much as possible.

In the ordinary state; we, humans, tend to be having lots of fears, and therefore resist expressing many of the things we feel and the thoughts we think. In the higher states, however, the best description I find is that, I lose the resistance completely, I stop having fears, and I stop having any doubts whatsoever, and therefore I start expressing myself fully authentically. It's appropriate to say that 'thoughts' lose their power over me and suffering disappears as there's no desire left (no me, no self). Because really; fear, resistance, and doubt are all one thing, that is desire, which basically is thought, and which basically is the source of all suffering. So, for those who are wondering about "the truth" and God and so on... There are some really important distinctions here;

1. The authenticity, joy, happiness, self-expression, love, etc... that accompany the higher states do not make them any closer to the truth than the ordinary state, or even the lower states of depression, sadness, suppression, suffering, suicidal thoughts, fear, anger, etc... Simply because all states are the truth. And if they weren't, then seriously, what would they be?
2. The higher states do not make any human being superior to another. In fact, it's been fun to me to watch Leo making a fool of himself claiming to be the most superior to us (while being humble as well), all because he's at some ecstatic state, which ironically was just due to the use of psychedelics, and therefore wasn't permanent. So, that being said, and according to Leo's paradigm, Sadhguru is way more superior than Leo has ever been.
3. Masters like Sadhguru are usually older, which means they are more likely to be more mature with more experience. This is very important, because when immature people like Leo get these higher insights they are more likely to misinterpret them, and eventually end up misusing them and misguiding others.
4. Raising 'your' consciousness is not everything you need for living a good life. That's very simplistic. Leo was basically saying that because he was fully satisfied (from ecstasy). But ecstasy is not a permanent state, it'll go away and he'll come back to reality (I mean the ordinary state), and when he returns, he'll realise how foolish it is to make higher consciousness a goal, because higher consciousness is the natural unfolding of the universe. It just cannot stop and the universe is ever expanding (or so it seems to me).
5. It's only one life, and one death. And nothing really matters. Fear is an illusion and death is not real (just thoughts). That's the takeaway from Leo's recent video, and everything else is a variation of those insights, or simply a distraction.
6. Psychedelics basically remove 'you' temporarily out of the picture. 'You' in this case is the resistance, desires, thoughts, fears, concerns, etc... In a higher state, you'll still be you, but you'll stop identifying with that same you. You as an ego do not actually disappear. You just stop being self-conscious of yourself. You just stop being able to see yourself as an ego. Simply put, the ego just stops appearing on your radar. We can say that you get an EMP hit to your radars. Other egos stop appearing as well. You simply stop being able to see the ego, because all you're seeing will be God.
7. Leo said that the truth is absolute relativity. And he's right, but he's still isn't seeing how his own biases are taking over his insights (or maybe he's seeing but ignoring, I can't know!). He said that he does not care because he died, but he still had "preferences". He preferred humanity to be at a more peaceful place, and that's why he 'stooped down' to our level and revealed some helpful insights and instructions for how to live better, which again were biased by his knowledge, research, experiences, morality, etc... This shows that he's at least at stage Green of Spiral Dynamics.

That's about it. The resistance to oneself is what creates the duality (two illusory streams going against each other). Without resistance, there's only one stream, God's/devil's stream (it doesn't matter what you call non-duality). That's awakening in the simplest terms. The removal of resistance/self allows for no suffering whatsoever. That's the whole point of awakening. Anything else besides that is an exaggeration and an egoic agenda.

[Lento]

I've been experimenting for the last two days with the system I created. The first day sucked! So, I decided to roll with it. Today I have been observing myself while I completely let myself go without judgement. I noticed that my system is mostly backwards to my current self. My priorities seem to be not what I actually want. I don't like studying. I like exercising. I like doing the practices, but not researching too much. This is ridiculous. But I think it's necessary for achieving the balance I'm looking for. However, I'm still going to run my day by the default self, I won't force myself to change. But I will make minor adjustments that'll make my system more applicable. The good news is that I exercised for about two hours today! I never realised that I have this much of stamina before. This is really great!

..

I realised that I have a weird connection to old monuments, especially citadels. I've always had that connection since I was a little kid, but I didn't know what it was. It's a feeling of life, like the citadel has a soul or something, and not just a bunch of rocks. There's a smell of life over there. It's haunting, and really hard to overlook. I never thought I'd ever say something like this ??‍♂️

..

Insight: thought is desire.

Insight: fire is the main cause of evolution, but more on that later.

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Love is that which does not ever change..

"I'm gonna wait on you..

Gonna wait on you.."

To my loved one, the only one ♥️

[Lento]

You should never demonise anything, including the very act of demonisation. Everything has a certain vibration, which gives it a certain power, which makes it have a certain purpose. Learn to view things in term of value. Instead of reacting unconsciously to external and internal changes, accept the changes, observe the dynamics, and learn how to make use of them. That's tier two thinking. Nothing is inherently good neither bad, everything should be viewed as a neutral tool for you, and from that place you will gain access to using it however you want, while at the same time being aware of your desire to control. It's tricky and it requires awareness and practice.

But how could demonisation be good? Isn't it a form of racism? Isn't racism objectively bad? (a stage Green person might ask).

And the answer is; not at all. Racism is not inherently bad. Again, it's all relative in the end. You can have good racism, and in fact, we as humans already have. We are racists against bacteria, for example. And the bacteria aren't even trying to hurt us. They're just being themselves. It's only us who take things personally and act from that place. It's a superpower to be completely unbiased to your person, but at the same time it's still a superpower, which gives you better access to and better control of reality. It just isn't you who will be in control. You simply won't be there. From there on, It'll be God. Only God can have access to that kind of power.

..

My system is still messy and I'm still experimenting. I'm glad that I'm becoming more and more aware everyday. Yesterday's mistakes get corrected today, and so on. That's why observation is one of the most fundamental skills you can cultivate.

..

Great hit! ??????

 

[Lento]

It's really interesting how our mood affects everything! Our mood affects the way we view things because it essentially affects the way we value them in the first place. As a very simple example, when I'm thirsty, water is the most valuable thing there is. Measure everything on that. When I'm happy, everything seems easy and possible. When I'm sad, everything seems difficult and meaningless. However, when I'm hurt, that whole system collapses, my goals, desires, and motivations change. This is well explained in the Enneagram, it's called moving into the direction of disintegration (or stress). This is where you become the worst version of yourself. It's where the worst of you comes up to the surface. And the opposite of that is called moving into the direction of integration (or growth). So, based on the information above, I think if getting hurt brings out the worst of someone, then being fulfilled and satisfied is what brings out the best of them. And in fact, I think this is true. I personally become the best version of myself when I am fully satisfied (I mean on all levels). That is something to keep in mind while studying the Enneagram and trying to assess which type I am.

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I've recently realised that I have a weird phobia. I fear having an unorganised mind/thoughts. Not like I must have everything figured out and that I can't move without knowing everything. It's just that I have to organise my thoughts in my mind in their "proper" places. So, it's like having many boxes in my mind that are categories for everything, and those boxes are inside three different rooms;

1. A room for the thoughts I assume to be true.
2. A room for the thoughts I assume to be false.
3. A room for the thoughts I haven't decided where to put, a room for not-knowing, or a room for "uncertainty".

The thing is; I'm quite comfortable with all the rooms and the boxes. I have no problems with them at all. The problem, though, is that I can't have boxes without a room. So, usually that's how it works; I hear/read/discover something interesting, but it needs processing before it goes to one of the boxes and then to the rooms. Sometimes, the hall does not have enough space for the processing, so I get lost, confused, and stressed. That is how I can best describe my phobia. The journal helps, and so do meditation and music, but as soon as I open the main door again, I have to start sorting my thoughts out again. It's a good thing, I assume, but it also has its downsides;

• I can't process a lot of information in short amounts of time.
• I can't allow every new information to get into my mind, they're just not all welcome. Everything has to be processed and nothing can escape my sight.
• It can lead to a lot of stress for me to have things not quite figured out yet.
• Which will make me stop and doubt myself, which will make me stuck in a loop of doubt and negative thoughts.

The question now is this; where should I go with this box? Should it go to the first, second, or third room? Or should I simply leave it at the hall? Should I become comfortable with not-knowing where to go with some boxes? Should I make a new room for uncategorised boxes? If so, how should I categorise them in case I wanted to find a specific box?

God! This is very confusing! Anyway, thank you, dear journal! You're actually helping ??

[Lento]

I don't have any insights for today, and my life isn't perfect at all, but I feel an immense gratitude for everything. I am really happy for my life being the way it is. And even though I'm separate from the one I love and many of my friends, I'm still feeling complete. It's strange, because once you are fully authentic, you won't need others at all, but still, you'll become a magnet somehow, and you will attract the best people to fit into your life. It's like when you discover yourself, that you are the missing piece of the puzzle, so you become a perfect fit because you know where to spend your energy. You become the perfect key for the lock, and life opens up for you.

Or, maybe I'm just high for some reason and speaking nonsense ?

It does not matter. I feel complete now, and that's basically all I want.

..

This song gives me the most spiritual vibes! The melodies give me hints of some past lives and peacefulness. It may be melancholic, but it makes it feel good to explore this facet of the emotional spectrum. Melancholy feels great at times! ???

[Lento]

The key to life is awareness, and the key to awareness is the breath. Simple and elegant! I can't believe it took me this long to figure this out.

Why is the breath very important? Well, there is a variety of ways to answer this question. But basically, because the breath is the simplest and most intimate connection between the living forms and the formless, it only takes place after being itself. So, the more time you spend on being, the more you'll get to understand reality. Now, when you fully understand the basics, you will have to go a level higher, the breath. You can jump levels to infinity, but your construction won't be strong enough to hold it for long unless you have the grounds firm. So, you start with the breath, and then to the water and food, and then to the other things. My main focus now will shift to the breath. This shift is supposed to remind me at all times to not be fooled by the appearance, and to look for the truth of everything I encounter. For example, this language that I'm using right now is a tricky appearance. My goal is to become aware of the fact that it's just meaningless symbols in every moment from now on, and at the same time not be crippled by this understanding, and therefore still be able to use language effortlessly. This is a very tall order, but it's totally worth it! What motivates me is the control that this very simple principle will give me over reality. Just imagine how powerful it is to be in full control of every single move you make. This kind of privileges cannot be accessed by devils, neither by being neurotic. It can only be accessed by God.

..

Such a beautiful song!

[Lento]

Simply, genius!

[Lento]

Spiral Dynamics tier two is not synonymous with, neither a component of enlightenment. Not even Turquoise is synonymous with, nor a component of enlightenment. Enlightenment is a very distinct thing. It can occur at all stages. It has nothing to do with your intellectual capabilities. At enlightenment, there's no Spiral, and no stages. There isn't even enlightenment at enlightenment. Enlightenment is the realisation of the truth, regardless of whatever stories you have about reality. It's the awakening to the fictional nature of reality. It's the awareness of the futility of all maps that try to capture reality, including this map itself. Enlightenment is an additional layer of awareness, which, virtually, most people do not possess. Enlightenment is the freedom from all the limitations of logic, or what we may call 'the mind'. It's the acknowledgement of the ego, instead of either being immersed in it, or denying it. Enlightenment is the death of fear, that is the death of the ego. Enlightenment is aware of itself, and it does not exist for the enlightened. Enlightenment only exists for the seeker. Whenever you think you have it, you lose it. The only reason why it exists is because of love. You become aware and you want to share that awareness with others. For you, enlightenment is a lie. For others, it's a lie at first, a goal, God, or the truth in the middle, and again, a lie in the end. It's weird at first, familiar in the middle, and weird again in the end. It's just reality as you know it upside-down ?

Enlightenment is the endless love for oneself and others. You can't be enlightened and not see everyone else as yourself. You can't be enlightened and have a self.

It's the ultimate paradox! It's a living story!

Edited February 8, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

So, recently, I decided to read this book called; "Demeaning The Self (or the ego)" from the Islamic scholar called; "Ibn Al-Jawzi", which is a very respected scholar in the Islamic mainstream world. He died almost 800 years ago. I think he's at stage Orange, because his style of writing is very rational and he uses logic and the mind as the utmost authority besides religion. Most of his books are alike in the structure, from the index, to the chapters, to the subjects, to the individual concepts, and eventually to the quotes he uses. In the preface, he expresses his overall opinion on the matter, and then he demonstrates hints of evidence for why his opinions are valid. In the beginning of each chapter, he demonstrates his opinions on the chapter in general, and then he breaks down the chapters into subjects, which he calls 'doors', and each subject is broken down in the same way. The evidence he provides is mainly logic, which he considers to be the consequence of being a good Muslim, and then he provides quotes from other scholars which support his ideas, and he throws in some old poetry as well, and his most important evidence is "hadith" which is the quotes from Muhammad himself, which are in his opinion, infallible.

Enough with the introduction...

The reason why I decided to read that book is because I am doing shadow work and trying to integrate my past. Actually, I did read that book once when I was a Muslim, and I was like "yeah, that's totally true! I should do this and that, etc...".
This time, at first, it was very disturbing, and I was completely shocked! Then I calmed down and started viewing it from a meta perspective.

The way he views the self or the ego is very different from the way we learn about it today. To him, survival and self-image are not selfish at all, the hierarchy is very important. What other people think of you is very important. In short, everything that serves the collective is very important. In contrast, finding and following your passions are egoic, following your heart against your mind is egoic, preferring instant gratification to the long-term gains (which are in the afterlife) is egoic, suppression is good and expression is egoic. In short, anything that promotes your individual identity is egoic.
Still, the basics of ego to him are more or less the same as they are right now, i.e. anger, jealousy, envy, hatred, desire, indiscipline, etc...

The way I see it is that from a stage Orange vantage point, he's got some very good points. However, from a stage Green vantage point, his views seem very limiting.

Interesting thing is that right now I've become able to detach from the way we usually view the ego. It's apparent to me right now that it's just a mental construct, and that we can modify it however we want. Yet, the most important thing is that I have captured the essence of the ego, as paradoxical as it sounds, it's that which does not serve its own agendas. It's whatever you want and are not able to get.

Why does the concept of ego even exist? To apply awareness on what's holding you back. You demonise the ego in order for you to move towards it. Whatever you resist persists. The more you demonise it, the more you become it! And the more love you give to it, the faster it dies! Such a beautiful and paradoxical creation!

[Lento]

I don't know. I don't know.

Why do I feel so bad? What's wrong? It's vague. I feel incomplete. Thoughts, yeah, whatever. I feel alone. I never felt this alone in my entire life. I miss her but I can't reach to her. I'm just a part of a puzzle and there's no more perfect fit for me than her. It's just ridiculous. We connected on all levels. We had to temporarily let go. It sucks! I'm having doubts about her. How could I? I know her better than she knows herself. This is insane! I'm going crazy! I trust her and I believe in her. We both agreed to this. This is the best decision.

I'll be waiting, and we'll see ??♥️

[Lento]

Nothing is under control. Nothing has ever been. Only windows of illusion that we cling to. I surrender my will to the highest will. I fully accept reality as it is. Now I, in no way, feel complete. But I don't need to feel complete to actually be complete. I was never complete, neither incomplete. Nothing really matters. This is exactly how everything is supposed to be. There's a higher order, an ultimate governing law that everything submits to; the law of being.

[Lento]

So, where am I right now? Just the furthest from balance. I'm experiencing the worst ego-backlash of all time. I'm back to my bad habits, one of which is watching Leo's videos. This time it's the stupidest video of all time; Explicit vs. Implicit Understanding.

Just the stupidest video he's ever released! I don't know whether he's actually deluded or a devil. My intuition tells me that he's deluded. Yet, I can't know for sure. He seems to be having legitimate insights, and using them for his agendas. However, the video is for a specific type of people. It's for the ones who still have a mind, which I don't. I'm insane! There's no such thing as infinity. This is infinity. He also talks about being implicit in flirtation, which is frankly false. I've known a woman who was only satisfied with explicit compliments and flirting. She implicitly wanted me to be explicit! I could read her easily. Anyway, just the stupidest video ever. Go back to being God, Leo. Get outta here!

Edited February 12, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

19 hours ago, Lento said:

So, where am I right now? Just the furthest from balance. I'm experiencing the worst ego-backlash of all time. I'm back to my bad habits, one of which is watching Leo's videos. This time it's the stupidest video of all time; Explicit vs. Implicit Understanding.

Just the stupidest video he's ever released!

The second half is pretty good, though. Or, the backlash was blinding me and being projected on the video.

[Lento]

Serotoninluv is, make no mistake, the most intelligent person I've ever seen in my entire life. I wish I could meet him someday. That would be very interesting. I've known some really intelligent people, but he's by far the most intelligent. My best friend in real life is really smart, but Serotoninluv is easily way more smarter. I wish I could spend a lot of time in his company. When I interact with other people, my mind automatically soaks up their intelligence. It automatically imitates theirs. Of course, people don't get dumber. Interacting with me raises other people's consciousness. I'm always alert to the subtlest distinctions, and I have a really keen eye for the details, so I have a lot to offer. But the right person has to be there. "When the student is ready, the teacher shows up. And when the teacher is ready, the student shows up. It works both ways." -- Jed McKenna (edited).

..

I've decided to start learning the German language. I'll apply for a course as soon as possible. This could be interesting. I'll make sure to enjoy the process rather than looking for the outcomes.

..

14 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Lento ? ? 

Not sure what these emojis imply.

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I'd already awoken to being, love, beauty, intelligence, and freedom earlier. Yet, I was never aware of the connection between them. Basically, I am the connection! I am the reason for existence. It's sensational that this was synchronised around Valentine's day. I'm still in awe of how profound this realisation is! It creates a positive feedback loop for acceptance. So, basically, I'm now in being on steroids. The picture now is complete! Thanks to my friend Mandy and her reply ??

On 13/02/2020 at 2:25 PM, mandyjw said:

Love. 

Love of stories. God/You are a drama Queen and you love to create, infinite creates the finite. The whole creates fragments. 

My son just asked "Why is "stuff" a bad word to use in writing?" And I explained that it was nonspecific, and it's not satisfying when someone is too lazy to be descriptive in a story. Specifics and details makes life rich and colorful, they create endless possibilities. 

You are a character like a character in the alphabet. You don't make any sense by yourself, "unless you think you're I ), nor can you be specific, but together with the rest of the characters you can be part of a profound poem. Or something obscene written on a bathroom wall. Whatever you want. 

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It's amazing! I have no identification with the body or with anything right now. The vehicles I'm using are not mine, yet mine in a twisted way, because they are me. The hands and the fingers and everything. It seems ridiculous to even identify with anything smaller than the whole being. I am everything. It's just that simple.

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One of the benefits of detachment is that when you enter a discussion, even if the other person cannot understand where they're limiting themselves, it's totally fine, because that's how love wants, and I must obey.

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Valentine's day is about to end, and I still haven't heard from my loved one. I pushed her into solitude. It's been 14 days since we last talked. She's now working hard to achieve her goals. She's doing her best. And she will be rewarded. We're a perfect team. The most beautiful thing she's ever said to me was when I was telling her that I always find myself behind in life. Why is that the case? "To find me". She cutely replied ? She's the ultimate prize, and I love her to infinity ♥️

Edited February 15, 2020 by Lento

[Lento]

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I don't recall the details, but I was going insane and disappearing into a void somehow. Didn't feel that horrible, though. However, phew! Glad to be back here. ?

Edited February 15, 2020 by Lento