Reconstructing My Life!

[kag101]

December 2nd 2019, 1:41 PM

Hello To All

I used to have this journal when I started my depression treatment.

I think I am in a new phase now. My depression is apparently under control, so I want to create this new journal to be more action-oriented. Rebuidlng myself, kind of thing.

 

15 Positive Things I Have Been Doing

1) I have been taking keyboard classes over the last 3-4 months. I have been really enjoying it.

I don't really practice at home, because my piano has very hard notes - which makes my fingers and arm tired.

I want to buy a keyboard. I have found one that costs about U$450. It's a Yamaha YPT-360. Here it is: 

2) I have been doing psychotherapy over the last 6 months. And, boy, oh boy has it helped me! I never thought therapy could be so powerful. For a very long time, I tried to do personal development by myself. And it's just too hard. This belief that "I can do it all by myself" is very counterproductive, and produces a lot of suffering and frustration. 

VERY IMPORTANT: I have stopped caring so much about what "digital influencers" talk about life. That is, I used to really take to heart what, say, Joe Rogan or Leo would say. But, since I am doing psychotherapy, I don't deal with my emotional life through the Internet...

My therapist has very, if you will, feminine qualities. If you have seen Leo's video on compassion, she uses a lot of feminine compassion. That is, she doesn't tell me in a very straight forward way what I should or should not do. She is a great listener, and she's very thoughtful of what the words she uses. She makes me have very good insights. 

3- I am with a new psychiatrist. He's much better than the last one. I mean, he's not the best psychiatrist, but he's good enough.

Right now, I am using two medications: quetiapine (sedative effect) and bupropion (energy effect). I think it's working.

He has commented about using a psycho-stimulant medication, such as Ritalin or Vyvanse. We have tried Ritalin, and it simply didn't work with me. I am afraid of getting dependent or addicted to Vyvanse. But anyway... 

4- My relationships now have healthy boundaries. I don't feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with a person, for example. 

5- I have been able to keep my room organized and clean. 

6- I have stopped with weed and rapé (aka shamanic snuff). The truth is: I cannot use any psychoactive substances... 

7- I have been drinking coffee more regularly. It helps me to have more motivation and energy. (I am kind of afraid of getting dependent on it. I will try to take a 2-3 day break.)

8- My soccer team is very worse off. But I am learning to support it in the good and the bad phases. 

9- My relationship with my father's family is getting very good. I am happy about it. 

10- I am planning to take Spanish classes in the near future. 

11- I have been walking my dog daily. We only walk one block. And it's a symbiotic thing: it helps my dog, and it helps me. 

12- I have gone back to practicing yoga. By myself, and in a very gentle way. I used to do yoga in a very neurotic way, to achieve "Enlightenment". 

13- I am watching a very good TV show with my mom. It's called Gilmore Girls. It's pretty old (20 years), but I really like it. 

14- I have been keeping a private journal. And I have also started to write some short fictional stories. 

15- I have been reading more. Not as much as I'd like to, but it's good enough, I guess. 

 

 

If you have any questions or comments, please write here. 

 

Thank you!  

[Proactive]

Nice to see all the positive changes you've made ?

GRATZ

[kag101]

On 12/2/2019 at 4:36 PM, Proactive said:

Nice to see all the positive changes you've made ?

GRATZ

Thank you  

Yeah... I wouldn't imagine I'd make so much progress in one year. Seeking professional help was the best thing I could have done to make myself be happy again. The thought of "I can do it all by myself" is very dangerous and ends up being ineffective. 

How I Was 1 Year Ago 

One year ago, I was living a very uncomfortable, sad, and empty life. I'd wake up at 5 PM. Binge eat. Then, I'd stay in my room, lie on my bed and use my notebook to watch random videos on Youtube all night long. You can read that in more detail on my first journal: 

In a nutshell, I was feeling very hopeless and miserable. I had physical pain/discomfort all over my body. Social anxiety was up on the roof. And depression was also present. Then, in November of 2018, I decided to schedule a psychiatrist session, and even though I wasn't fond of taking medication, I decided to try it out. 

First Psychiatrist - Overly Logical and Not Empathetic 

Well, as Leo usually says, we have to start somewhere...

I'd rate this psychiatrist 5/10. Since he's into arts, I'd thought he would be open-minded and compassionate. Not at all. He was OK as far prescribing medication goes, but he was just very blunt and overly logical. 

I started out with the antidepressant (Venlafaxine). When I was using it by itself, I remember I'd feel very euphoric one day, then the other one I'd feel depressed again. But it was manageable. Since my mood was still low most of the time, the psychiatrist decided to add another one called Wellbutrin (bupropion). This combination, alongside with the psychoactive drug I was using called rapé, triggered a hypomaniac episode.

Oh, and btw, some of his advice (such as"YOU HAVE TO WEIGHTLIFT!!") contributed for that to happen. 

Quote

What Did I Feel When I Was Hypomaniac: 

> I thought I was getting enlightened 

> I'd get into a lot of heated arguments with my friends and family 

> I thought I was the sexiest guy in the world 

> I thought I was better than anyone at everything

For more information on hypomania, check this out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania

Next Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist 

As of June of this year, I have changed my psychiatrist and I started going to a very good psychologist.

It's mind-blowing the difference between a mediocre psychotherapist and a good one. Seriously... it's like watching a 144p video and a 1080p one. I'm not sure if this was a good comparassion, lol. 

To be honest, I don't really feel a strong connection with my psychiatrist, but he's competent. I am currently using quetiapine (an atypical anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties) + Wellbutrin (this one is to give energy, and I believe we have found the correct dosage). 

The only thing that concerns me is that all of this is expensive. Currently, my dad pays for it. However, I don't know if he'll be able to do so next year. I am trying to not overthink about this, and just focus on my day-to-day progress.

But anyway, the most important thing is: taking the first step was crucial. Yeah, the first psychiatrist was certainly not the best one. However, if I hadn't sought some sort of help at that time, I'd be probably still feeling shitty most of the time. And the fact that I have recently, for example, started to go out with some people I met on Tinder is pretty unimaginable considering how worse off I was a year ago. 

[kag101]

Medications I take

1) Seroquel (Quetiapine)

This is an anti-psychotic that has antidepressant properties. It helps me not to get euphoric, and it also helps me to fall asleep. 

The downside was that it was making me sleep and eat a lot.

2) Wellbutrin (Bupropion)  

This is an antidepressant that is also used for people to stop smoking. Unlike the majority of the antidepressant, it does not deal with serotonin. But instead with dopamine.  

In other words, it helps mainly with volition (which is the technical term for will-force). It is stimulating, so some people feel anxious with it.

Another good thing about this medication: it does not cause sexual side effects nor weight gain. 

 

Change in dosage: On my last consultation, on November 27th, my psychiatrist decreased the dosage of Seroquel and increased the dosage of Wellbutrin.

This worked really well. I stopped eating and sleeping too much. And I have much more vitality.  However... 

 

Scary Anxiety Attack 

On December 7th (Saturday), I had an anxiety attack. I hadn't had one in a very long time. It was really scary, and I wasn't prepared for it.

> My breathing got very constricted and shallow. I was panicking, as if something really bad was going to happen (impending doom), and I felt a lot of muscle discomfort throughout my body (especially neck, shoulder, and jaw). 

It was a very frustrating experience, because I had been feeling very well lately.

Then, in the evening, I took Seroquel (it has a sedative effect). This allowed me to fall asleep. 

 

Next day - not anxious, but depressed 

I woke up without the panic and all the physical pain. But I was in a sort of a "hangover". I was pretty depressed and with very little energy. 

My dad's family was going to go to the beach, and they invited me. But I was considering not going due to how I was feeling. I was almost sure that the new dosage of Wellbutrin had caused the anxiety attack. I was pretty scared that something similar would happen. I texted my psychiatrist, and he said it was too soon to determine that the new dosage had caused the anxiety. 

I had decided not to go. But my dad went to my house to pick up some stuff for my older sister. When I saw my little brother and my little sister, I decided to take a shot and go.

 

 

Still feeling depressed, but then the bubble popped 

It took me some hours to snap out of the depression. It was very unpleasant. I felt like I wasn't "inside" my body. I was distant. I didn't feel any connection with anyone. All I wanted to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I really wanted to lie down. 

Then, one moment at the beach, I had a moment in which I was able to simply let go of the depression. It is really wonderful when that happens. And then, for the next hours, I was able to be playful, laugh, and enjoy. 

 

Discovering the likely cause of the anxiety attack

Then, the next few days were pretty good. I was back to normal.

Then, one day, I drank coffee. About twenty minutes later, I began to feel a lot of anxiety once again. It was scary, but nowhere near as bad the other time.

I contacted my psychiatrist, and he said that the combination between Wellbutrin + Caffeine can trigger anxiety, agitation, and restlessness. 

So, ever since, I haven't drunk coffee, soda, and green tea. Fortunately, I am not addicted to any of those. So it was relatively easy to stop drinking them. 

After that, I have been feeling stable. So I do not plan to consume caffeine anymore (or as long as I am in this medication).

 

 

PS: I took a blood exam. The only thing that was high was something called Creatine kinase. My doctor and I haven't figured out why that happened. Maybe it is because of the medication I am taking. I really hope it is not. I am adapting very well to this medication, and I would not want to change it.    

 

Thanks for reading! And feel free to comment

[kag101]

Update

 

Anyway, here are some updates on various areas of my life:

 

Things I Want to Buy

Mattress

I've been trying to find a good mattress for more than a year. It's something that has been stressing me out. I feel insecure about buying one and not liking it. I am also insecure about buying a pillow.

Idea: I want to take one afternoon and go to various stores. And then see the mattress I like the most.

Keyboard

I have a piano at home, and to be honest, I don't really like it. The sound is too strident and the keys are VERY stiff. So after I practice for about 10  minutes, my hands end up getting tired.

I've found a pretty affordable keyboard online. It's about U$400.  

Shoes

I've recently bought a new shoes. It's from Puma. But it's simply not comfortable. I will try to exchange it for a New Balance shoes. I've heard this brand is really good.

 

Money

I am learning how to manage my money. I tend to be quite neurotic and panicky about this. But I am taking one step at a time and I am also setting realistic expectations.

 

Anxiety

Since I stopped drinking coffee, I didn't have anxiety attacks anymore.

Idea: Maybe if I drink just a little bit of coffee, it won't do me much harm. I will have to experiment with that.

 

Weight

I noticed that I was getting neurotic about losing weight. I was weighing myself everyday, and I don't think that's a good thing to do.

Idea: I will try to weight myself weekly, and I'll see how that goes.

 

Bad habits:

I have been battling with some urges. I don't want to repress the shit out of me, and then end up backsliding really bad. But I also don't want to do things that will cause me harm.

Alcohol

In the New Year, I wanted to drink a glass of champagne. I was thinking a lot about this. My psychologist told me I shouldn't. And my psychiatrist told me that I could, if I did it in moderation.

Anyway, I was overthinking this a lot. And that was stressing me out. In the end, I didn't even drink. I didn't have to repress myself. In the day itself, I didn't feel like drinking.

I don't trust myself. I fear getting addicted to alcohol despite having no evidence about that.

And lately, every time someone drinks alcoholic beverages near me I feel like drinking also...

Things I should really avoid

One thing that would be a very bad idea to do would be to smoke weed. I don't really want it, because the weed in my country is really shitty and smelly. Plus, I don't really get high.

Another bad thing would be rapé (shamanic snuff). I was using this a lot. And I am pretty sure it was worsening my depression. Luckily the people around me do not use it, so I don't really get triggered.

Insight: I got to live one day at a time. And if I do relapse, then I will have to deal with the situation at that moment. Thinking about this ahead of time won't really help me.

 

Routine

1) Psychotherapy

It will return next Tuesday! Thankfully! It wasn't easy to be without it for almost a month. But I did it. Luckily, my therapist allows me to text her when I need to. 

During the holidays, I was fearing that I would feel depressed or bored af, but it was actually quite good. A lot of bonding moments.

2) Keyboard

I did my first class of 2020 today, after the holiday break. I am excited for that, because my teacher is really good.

And this year, I also want to be part of a band. It's a feature of the school. They set up the band, then there's weekly rehearsals, and a presentation every 3 months.

3) Private Spanish classes.

I have gone back to taking online spanish classes with a very good teacher I had about five years ago. His name is Marcos, and he is from Chile. His classes are very dynamic and fun.

Insight: I think I can inspire myself to give Portuguese classes based on his classes.

4) Driving school

I will take my driver's license this year.

 

Going out with people

Taking a break

I have gone out with about 5 people over the past month. And that has been quite a ride! I was falling for a person, but I sensed there was no reciprocity and I was feeling too jealous. So I decided to distance myself for a while. Also, I don't really think we have that much things in common. Passion blinds us... It's okay to feel infatuation but up to a certain level. After that, it becomes an unhealthy thing, sort of like an addiction. 

And particularly because over these past few weeks I was kind of vulnerable (for not going to therapy), I can see that distancing myself was the best option.

I also took a break from Tinder. I was getting kind of obsessed with it. if I got a match with an attractive person, I'd get obsessed with whether he'll reply or not.

I went out with two other people. It was fun, but I honestly don't feel like seeing them again.

Insight: I am learning how to reject a person and how to be rejected. It's not that easy.

I have been talking with a person who I find very interesting. But I am not in the "searching for a romantic partner mode". I know that I should focus on friendships and on myself. Romantic stuff comes as a by-product.

 

In a Nutshell

Anyway, overall, my life is going well. I feel like I am in the right direction. Like genuinely in the right direction. Not some fake-optimism kind of thing. I do have challenges in my life, but they are "overcomeable". Mental illness, on the other hand, gives a set of problems that are simply pathological. Unreasonable suffering that has no clear cause nor clear solution. Fortunately, I am stabilized due to good professional help.

Lately, I like what I am doing. I feel authentic. I am developing new habits naturally. My routines has more meaningful activities. If I keep progressing in this pace, I will soon be living a very satisfying life.

Thank you all!

[kag101]

“Do you want to improve the world?
I don't think it can be done.

The world is sacred.
It can't be improved.
If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it.

There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.”

― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by kag101

[kag101]

[kag101]

Friday, March 27th 2020, 2:37 PM

Big Trap

Impatience is certainly one of my biggest enemies in the path of self-actualization. I am very bad at putting things into perspective. That is, to see the big picture of my life. To take a moment and realize how much I have improved over the last year, 5 years, 10 years. It's been quite a ride, and I finally feel like I am heading in the right direction in life, like truly.

Back to feeling how I used to as a child

I feel like that joyful 7-year-old is back again. I don't mean that I am now acting as if I were 7 years old. I mean that my natural self is present. Depression completely suppresses spontaneity, so it is a huge blessing to have that back.

My mind loves to nitpick

Sure, there are some annoying problems but overall things are going really well. Mymind has this tendency of nitpicking each aspect of my life and see where I am not doing well. A microscope kind of thing.

So it is important to sometimes take a moment to strategize for my life. That is, to reflect on how I have improved compared to the past. And what I want to be aiming for in life.

Realistic expectation is a must

That's why I think it is extra important to set realistic expectations. Otherwise, the chances of me getting overwhelmed and stressed out are really high. If I set in my mind a modset timeframe in which I want to accomplish something; I can have a much better sense of perspective.

Reading

For example, I have started to read the book "Thinking, fast and slow". It has about 600 pages. This is definitely outside of my comfort zone. I have started to get into the habit of reading on a consistent basis this year, and I have been having great results. I have read since the beginning of the year about 10 books (each one has more or less 200-250 pages).

If I expect to finish this long book I am reading in the same time I did with the others, then I will surely get stressed out and anxious about that. So I set a timeframe of 1 to 3 weeks to finish it.

Bottom line

The most important thing is that my mental health is stabilized. Worldly problems cannot be comparable with biochemical problems in the brain.

My mood has ups and downs, but they are proportional to what I am experiencing. With depression, bipolar, or even pathological anxiety; the feelings are out of proportional. And I am glad I am not feeling that.

Random Thoughts

> I have been thinking about ideas of tattoos. I thought about tattooing the chemical structure of my antidepressant. Lol.

> I have also done an earring. I have always wanted to do that since I was a kid, but I didn't have the courage to do so. It was great. 

> Panic is a bitch. It leads to neurosis (excessive action). And when I focus too much on something, the results are not good.

 

[kag101]

On 27/03/2020 at 4:16 PM, modmyth said:

God, this makes me feel old.

Haha, this show is so good. I'm still in the second season, though. I hope the quality doesn't drop.

This song is so heartwarming <3

 

[kag101]

Hello everybody, here's an update of how I am doing:

 

My doc wants me to stop taking my sleeping pill @_@

Originally, I started taking this antipsychotic medication because of an hypomaniac episode I had last June. I am not at a very low dosage that basically all it does at that dosage is sedate and induce sleep.

It seems as though there is not a lot of potential for bad effects due to long-term usage. This medication used to make me sleep way too much (12 hours), and I would kind of get the munchies. But at this dosage, I honestly don't feel that. I mean, I've been sleeping about 9 hours a day, which is more than I am used to. And after about 40 minutes of taking the medication, I do feel like eating some carbs. But it is nothing much. Most of the times a piece of bread or a cracker does it.

The good thing about taking it is that, for the first time in my life, I have been able to sleep at decent time. Truth to be told, I have some bad sleeping habits. For example, I don't dim the light 2 hours before getting to bed. And I also lay on my bed once in a while during the day. I am trying to improve on that.

I've been using it daily for almost a year. My doc wants me to try to sleep without it some days. I understand where he's coming from, and I agree that it is not a good idea to depend on a medication to fall asleep.

Not the right time

The psychiatrist told me that he expects that by our next session, I will have slept 25% of the days WITHOUT the medication. He gave some general tips, and he also said that I might sleep very late on those days, like 3 am.

However, I am not in the mood for that. I am not emotionally available for that. I am in a vulnerable phase (especially due to quarantine). It is definitely something I want to get rid of in the future, but I just don't think it is the right time.

"You're so weak. You're just making up excuses." -- a voice inside my head tells me.

I have talked about this topic with my psychologist, and she has a similar opinion as I do. I am stressing about that more than I should. It is not urgent. Focusing on it is making me not focus on things that have a higher priority.

So I will write a message to the psychiatrist telling about this.

It is a relief to let that go for a while.

"You're procrastinating". Shut the fuck up, little voice inside my head! My inner critic is very active, as you can see.

 

No more pathological anxiety

This is great news. I had some anxiety attacks early this year. I got very worried and upset. After I finally adapted well to an antidepressant; this bitch called pathological anxiety creeped in. It was really frustrating.

But very fortunately, I discovered the cause. I am 99,9% certain of that. It was caused by a little guy named caffeine. I was drinking massive amounts of coffee, and it turns out I got very sensitive to it after I started with this med.

And, seriously, this is definitely a price I am willing to pay. Much better than losing libido, gaining a bunch of weight, or sleeping too much.

I haven't drunk coffee or coke since the last time I had an anxiety attack, and I'm fine.

 

Reviewing the antidepressant I'm on at drugs.com

I did it mainly because the overwhelming majority of the people who write reviews on antidepressants are the ones who had a BAD experience. The people who were successful usually do not want to talk about it. But, because this medication has helped so goddamn much, I decided to write my experience.

Here it is:
 

Quote

 

"Started with 150mg bupropion , then dose increased to 300mg. Was definitely better, but still had down days. Then, my doctor upped it to 450mg. And, boy oh boy, did it work. This is the perfect dosage for me. I haven't had a depressive day ever since.

I don't feel like I am in this bad place anymore, dragging myself through life. No more excessive worry and fear, existential emptinesss, lack of vitality, self-hatred, social anxiety, etc. After more than a decade, I feel like my "natural self" on a consistent basis. I wake up feeling refreshed and looking forward to the day. I know I am finally heading in the right direction in life.

I am also losing weight. No diets. I simply have no desire to overeat.

The only side effect is high sensitivity to caffeine. So I have to avoid it as much as I can, or else I get anxiety. In my experience, this medication has been life-changing.

There is hope, because science works! "All this time I was finding myself. And I didn't know I was lost." —Avicci"

 

I got like 25 likes. The only thing that I did not like afterwards is that AVICII quote at the end. It was unnecessary. But. fuck it. At least I did it.

I just read a review of a guy that said that he had hair loss due to this medication. I'm gonna ask about that to my doctor.

 

My new powerful mantra for curing perfectionism

Do It Imperfectly (D.I.I.)
When I set the intention of deliberately doing something imperfectly, I do not tune in to some stupid minute details that robs my energy and momentum.,

 

Experimenting with shaving my body & getting piercing

I have always wanted to experiment with those things since I was very young. But I didn't have the balls to do it. Was too shy.

Last month, I had my first earring. It looks nice. I was pretty embarrassed at first, especially with my parents. But as often, it was much easier to deal with their reaction than I was imagining it to be.

It's like this:

As with shaving, I have shaved by now every part of my body, except armpits. And it feels good. One of the characteristics of depression is lack of self-care. One way people spiritualize this is by saying, "Oh, I don't care about worldly appearances." BS! It is healthy to care about it. The problem is that many people are obsessed with it.

Anyway, an annoying thing that happened is like red dots. It itches like fuck. But I am figuring out ways to prevent this from happening.

 

"The mind has always something to worry about."

[kag101]

3:43 PM

Lactose intolerant?

Lately I have been having flatulence. It's really annoying and unpleasant. I did a test and stopped drinking soda, but I had that problem either way. So I am 95% sure that it is due to dairy, unfortunately.

That sucks. I don't know how much dairy will I have to cut to get better.

For example, I have noticed in the past that ice cream is terrible for me. It messes up with my digestive system. And also, before I turned vegan, I was a vegetarian. But the thing was, I was consuming A LOT of cheese and things like that, and it was terrible for my digestion and everything.

Anyway, cutting dairy is a pain-in-the-ass, but I'm sure "I will survive". I mean I was a hardcore vegan for 4-fucking-years, reducing 80% of the dairy I consume won't be the end of the world.

Intention: So, in the next following days, I will avoid dairy as much as I can. And I will try not to be extremist.

To succeed in this, I will go to the market tomorrow and buy other types of milk (almond, soy, cashew, etc.) They're pretty expensive though.  

Sleeping pill

There is one medication that I was originally using as an antipsychotic, but because it has a very potent sedative effect, it has helped me regulate my sleep as well. I am at a very low dosage, so in this case this med acts only as sleeping inducing.

Yeah, I know... it's not good to depend on a medication to fall asleep. But truth to be told, I have never woken up past noon after I started using it. A lot of my friends, especially during this quarantine period, have been waking up at like 3 pm. Sorry, but to me that's not life. There was a time that I would wake up at 5 pm. And that's simply depressing.

Another benefit from this med is that I can control what time will I fall asleep. I really don't get sleepy without it. So if one day I need to be awaken till late night, I don't need coffee for example.

"Let's stop it"

My psychiatrist wants me to stop it. He suggested that I don't use it some days of the week.

At first, I thought I definitely needed to that. But I had resistance. As a self-help junkie, what do I told myself? "You're being complacent and lazy! You need to change this habit NOW!" Fortunately, I am getting vaccinated against these types of neurotic thoughts thanks to psychotherapy. Truth is, I was spending so much energy on this, that I was not focusing on things that are more important.

Negotiating with him

He also recommended a series of sleep hygiene recommendations. So we decided that, for now, I will continue with the medication, but I will focus on implementing those new sleeping habits. Basically, there are two that I need to improve:

1) Use bed only to sleep

I tend to spend too much time in my room, and I am often laying down. So over the last few weeks, I have been avoiding not only laying on my bed during the day, but also to not be in my room.

I love my room and everything. It is my "sacred space". But if I spend too much time there, it can turn into something toxic. When I stay there for too long, I start getting negative and repetitive thoughts.

So I am limiting as much as I can how much time I spend there. But, again, nothing extreme. If I manage to reduce the time I am in my room by 50% during this first month, that's already good enough. It is a process, so it should be gradual. I shouldn't demonize my room.
 
2) Dim the lights 2 hours before sleeping.

I have never taken this much in consideration, especially because they say you "shouldn't" use your phone or laptop 2 hours before sleeping. Well, at least where I'm at right now, this is just too unrealistic.

But, again, I can adapt it as a "harm reduction" type of thing.

So here's what I'm doing:

a) Dim the lights, in fact I want to buy an adapter so that I can control the brightness of the light in my room.
b) I avoid using electronic devices, but sometimes I do use them. In that case, I make sure the brightness is low and the content I am consuming is light. So instead of watching a horror movie, I watch a sitcom or something like that.

 

[kag101]

Fucking Tendonitis - break from piano

My shoulder was aching yesterday, and I didn’t know why. I thought it was because of my mattress, but it turns out I am 99% sure it’s because of my piano playing. 

The thing is, the keys of my piano are very stiff. It requires too much strength to press them. Thus, I get easily tired. The technician already came here and he managed to smoothen a little bit, but it’s still too heavy. 

A solution to that problem would be to buy a keyboard. A decent one from yamaha costs about $400. I think it’s a worth-while investment. This will probably allow me to practice longer and without worrying any pain will come back. 

I went to the orthopedist last month, and the results of my exam were that I have a little bit of tendonitis on my wrist and shoulders. 

But anyway… I will have to take a break from playing the piano. 

 

Finances

One of the things I have been talking in therapy is my financial life. I have a hard time with money. I freak out that there won’t be enough, and I also have a hard time being clear with my dad about it. 

Here’s the problem: I have to pay several things throughout the month, and I end up having to ask my dad to transfer to my account like 4, 5 times a month. 

The idea is to calculate how much I spend so that  he will only need to transfer money to my account once a month. 

I fear that he tells me that I spend too much 

I do plan to get financially independent from my family, but now it’s not the time. So I have to babystep my way out of the “family nest”. 

Goal: I will try to call him tomorrow to talk specifically about that. And I can plan to talk for like 10-15 minutes maximum.

Quote

 

Setting a predetermined amount of time helps me convince my mind to actually do it. 

 

So it’s like:

“Ok, it will be 10-15 minutes of uncomfortable feelings. After that, I will make an excuse to end the conversation.” 

If it goes terrible, I can vent about it with my therapist, lol .

 

Brainstorming to-do lists

One thing that’s been helping me come up with fun and productive stuff to do during my day is to force myself to come up with 20 different activities for my day. It can be simple things, and also stuff that I will probably not do. It’s a no-filter kind of thing. 

I don't bother to complete all tasks, not even the majority. 

I try to complete the most important ones. And if I want to procrastinate, I negotiate with myself to either half-ass or set a predetermined amount of time to focus on that activity. 

The actual objective of this exercise is to put my mind in a creative and productive mode. 

I think one of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling life is to have various activities and hobbies. For example: play the piano, date, play video games, walk the dog, work, play soccer, etc. That is, not put all eggs in one basket. 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading. 

 

Feel free to write a comment. 

 

I hope that by the next time I write here (hopefully tomorrow), I will have had that difficult conversation with my dad. 

[kag101]

I love writing down insights or powerful words that are like pointers to what I want in life. So I decided to choose 10 words/phrases that are sorta like my principles/intentions. 

For this month: 

10 WORDS TO LIVE BY 

MAY 2020

1- Equanimity 

That's a very important word to me, because I am often worried about the future. I get anxious by trying to solve everything at once and live a problem-free life, but that's unrealistic. I also tend to get carried away by other people's problems. 

So equanimity, to me, basically says: nothing is permanent. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Most problems that I worried the shit out of me 10 years ago mean nothing right now, so I don't need to worry about today's problems. And chances are, everything is going to be alright. I will eventually find a meaning behind bad stuff that happens to me, and I overexaggerate my mistakes.

2- Deliberate imperfection 

I am freaking perfectionist. And I am actively trying to overcome this by doing things imperfectly intentionally. I often use too much energy on small things, so I am making small mistakes on purpose. 

3- Self-negotiation 

The ability to know when I can press the pedal, when I should take away my feet from it, and when I should press the break.

This is very useful to motivate me to do stuff I don't want to. For example, I have to have a difficult conversation. Self-negotiation would be to, for example, set a predetermined amount of time that I will be having the conversation. And after that, I will allow myself to end the conversation. 

4- Calculated risks

I always want to play it safe. I don't want to be criticized, scolded, rejected, etc. I also don't want to make mistakes. If I do, I feel dumb and ashamed.

So, again, I am deliberately taking strategic and calculated risks. This is very useful for letting go of fear, and to be courageous to try something that I am not used to, and accepting if I don't get good results.

This has to be done in moderation, though. 

5- Baby-steps 

If I manage to take a little bit of action everyday or every week, then I will eventually experience the snowball effect.

6- Realistic expectations 

Truth is: I often think I will have better results that I actually will. The fact that many self-help books tell that "You need big goals" kind of adds to that.

So it's important to be very modest about my expectations. If I am jumping ahead of myself, I want to remind myself that, "Hey... let's slow down. You're doing fine. You will not conquer the world overnight." 

7- Cooperation 

Finding the right people to help me is key. Because I was so shy since I was 10, I adopted the strategy of trying to figure things out by my own. And I also wouldn't trust people, because I simply thought that everybody was full of shit.

And today, I clearly see how some problems simply cannot be overcome by oneself. The right help is pivotal.

8- Playfulness 

What's the point of developing myself so much if I don't have a stress-relief kinda thing? 

9- Creativity 

Doing various activities, talking with various types of people, and trying new things even if I suck at it. These things help increase my creativity.  

10- Detox

It's so freaking important to have a time-out every once in a while. In my case, for example, it's mainly from socializing. I need some alone time to find myself again.

Another thing would be doing a certain activity or focusing too much on a problem -- in which case, I should distract myself with something else. 

11- Self-development 

"The secret is not to run after the butterflies -- but to take care of your garden so they come to you." - Mario Quintana 

Self-development is not about isolating myself and meditating in search of enlightenment and supreme liberation. No. It's simply living life knowing that I am doing things to develop myself, and that no human, no object, no activity will ultimately fulfill me. 

12- Rational Optimism 

Over the past two years, I've hate positive thinking. It's so toxic the way it is promoted. That's why I like the phrase rational optimism. That is, I have a reason to believe that things will get better. 

13- Life Purpose 

This ties to number 11. I have a life purpose already written down. And it really inspires me. 

 

So that's it. This list is in no particular order. 

[kag101]

• I am interesting in small changes that create big results. That strategic and exact change that will have a domino effect in my life. One of those changes was being on medication. I had so many preconceived notions about psychiatry. I thought it was ineffective. But the thing is, whatever field that uses the scientific method is the one that gives the best concrete results. 

 

• I was able to ween off of my sleep pills. Thank god... that was the last "dependence" I had. It wasn't a strong med, but nevertheless it's much better to be able to sleep without it. 

I think I will only use it as an SOS, in very specific situations. 

 

• I started reading Harry Potter The Sorcerer's Stone. Finally, lol. I remember when I was 7, some kids in my class were reading that book. It is very impressive for someone that age to read a book like that. While they were reading that, I was reading Captain Underpants, lol. 

 

• I am somewhat confident that I will successfully get back to teaching language classes.

This month (May), my goal is to focus on creating interesting activities. I want to remind myself that I should do it imperfectly.  I oftentimes start focus on minute details, and that's a waste of time. 

 

• I have met a guy on Tinder who is very interesting. He is very similar to someone else I used to have a crush on. It's kinda creepy, tbh. Lol... a lot of similarities. 

I am trying my best to have realistic expectations this time. I don't want to get all excited, without sufficient evidence that it will be something that will last. 

I started talking with him 4 days ago. It is very recent, but I feel a very strong connection with him.

The last two days, we talked on the phone for more than 3 hours. Lol... I was telling him about my life story. He is a great listener. He is a pretty chilled guy. It's very nice to talk with him. 

He is not the most "beautiful" guy, but he has a natural beauty, and he has a great personality.

 

 

• I have come up with a great morning routine.

Its main focus is on affirmations.

> I have come up with a list of "reminders" that are tailored insights to counterbalance my weaknesses, such as perfectionism. I repeat each affirmation 3x. My life purpose is included. This takes about 10-15 minutes. 

Then, I do some basic breathing techniques, visualize for 1 min, and stay in silence for another minute. 

 

• It's important that I be extra patient with myself.

Because I suffered depression for 15 years, there are a lot of areas in my life in which I am underdeveloped. I know that I will catch up with my potential. But it takes time... 

 

• I had the difficult talk about money with my dad. I mentioned that some posts ago. I still need to have a third conversation, though, and I hope to have it done by Friday. 

 

[Iiris]

Hi, just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’re doing better! You make great journals, I’m gonna be following up with this one  

[kag101]

51 minutes ago, Iiris said:

Hi, just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’re doing better! You make great journals, I’m gonna be following up with this one  

Thank you!

 

Unfortunately, after more than 6 months, I have been feeling depressed over the last 2 days. I feel like a zombie. It's not extremely intense, but it is present. And I just want to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Quote

“Depression is awful beyond words or sounds or images...it bleeds relationships through suspicion, lack of confidence and self-respect, the inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the night terrors, the day terrors. There is nothing good to be said for it except that it gives you the experience of how it must be to be old, to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to be lacking in grace, polish and coordination; to be ugly; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music or the ability to make yourself and others laugh.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

I think I know what might have caused it (lack of sleep). I'll make sure I sleep well the next few days, and hopefully I will feel good again.

 

[kag101]

DEPRESSIVE EPISODE -- VISITING HELL ONCE AGAIN

 

On 17/05/2020 at 6:11 PM, kag101 said:

Unfortunately, after more than 6 months, I have been feeling depressed over the last 2 days. I feel like a zombie. It's not extremely intense, but it is present. And I just want to get rid of it as soon as possible.

It was scary. I hadn't had a depressive day for over 6 months. I sorta have PTSD from my days with depression. I am aversed to that shit.

Depression has taught me a lot, but I want it out of my life. I have learned enough. It's not worth it.

That said, one insight that I got from having this episode (it lasted for 3 days) is the following:

 

My "problems" are a joke

 

I am an overthinker. My mind is always searching for something to be worried about. Ok.

Going through something like clinical depression puts things into perspective.

Depression is a real problem. My worldly problems are peanuts compared to mental illness.

 

I am still processing what happened. I have a hypothesis for what triggered it, but I also think there are psychological aspects to it as well. But I won't go into detail about that right now.

 

I will focus on what I think that was the main trigger. I talked with my psychiatrist earlier today, and he think that it makes sense.

Here's the thing: Last week, I went to sleep stimulated. I talked for 3 hours 3 days straight, right before going to bed. And I was excited while I was talking.

Result: I slept a few hours and it was not restorative.

After a few days of doing that, I woke up with a bad mood. Took a nap in the afternoon, and realized how tired I actually was.

After that, the depression came in.

BURNOUT

My doctor told me that one of the most common triggers for depression is lack of sleep.

 

 

 

 

So... here's my strategy:

 

 

 

I will focus on making sure that I do relaxing things during the last 2 hours before bed.

To avoid: 

• No stimulating conversations on the phone
• Limit how much I text, and screen time in general
• Dim the lights and brightness on my phone

 

To do:

• Read
• Yoga
• Journaling (light topics)
• Drawing
• Masturbation
• Vlog
• Listen to spiritual teachers that I like (particularly Jack Kornfield and Thich Nhat Hanh) 

I can't think of other things right now.

 

BONUS:

I have decided to take my sleeping medication for the next few days to make sure that I actually fall asleep.

I will take 25mg of quetiapine between 9 PM - 10:30 PM

After take it, I will be EXTRA careful in not engaging in stimulating activities. 

The medication takes 40-90 minutes to kick in. 

So, by MIDNIGHT, I will have tried to fall asleep for at least 15 minutes. 

 

If it were in other conditions, I would have tried to not use it. But now it's not the time for that.

My main focus right now should be on improving my sleep hygiene.

>> Btw: That does NOT mean being neurotic and perfectionist.

>> Hopefully, I will sleep 8-10 hours. And I hope to wake up feeling well-rested. I will keep you guys posted. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other stuff:

> I will start to write on this journal in a freer way. Without worrying too much how it looks.

> I have decided to change my life purpose.

My old life purpose was too complicated and metaphorical: to tame my inner gremlin through rationality, compassion, and sense of humor

My new life purpose is: to have a good mental health.

Simple and powerful.

 

Edited May 19, 2020 by kag101

[kag101]

REFLECTIONS ON MY RELAPSE

As I mentioned in the previous post, I had a relapse in my depression. It was fucking scary. I hadn't felt that way since last year. It's hell on Earth. No worldly problem can be compared with it. You just feel... hollow... and hopeless. It's as if I am the worst person in the world. All the vitality and joy were simply gone... 

Fortunately, I identified the possible cause: lack of good sleep. I had stopped taking quetiapine (sleep-inducing med). But after that episode, I told my psychiatrist that I'll be using this med for longer. I don't fucking care.

In a way, this episode put some of my worries into perspective. I could clearly see how fucking stupid my "worldly" problems are. Again, nothing can be compared with mental illness.

For example, my cat has died recently. It was really sad, and I'm still processing what happened. Yet, I want to feel the sadness and grief. It's a sign that I am alive.

Now with depression... bleh... it's just nothingness.

And the weirdest thing is that for a long time in my life I had gotten used to feeling that way, and I believed it was part of my personality or something. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Depression is an illness. And unfortunately, many people still doubt that it is actually a thing. I can speak from personal experience. It is like the difference between having the flu vs. not having the flu. The contrast is crystal-clear.

But anyway, that episode lasted for 3 days. I'm glad that I have identified the trigger.

 

(Apart from that, I am reading the book 21 Lesson for the 21st Century. Damn... it's blowing my mind, lol.)

[kag101]

It feels so fucking good to be healthy 

It's so interesting to be healthy mentally. It's like I'm living in paradise. Sure, there are problems and everything -- but nothing can be compared to depression. It's a whole different thing. I've had depression since I was 9. On-and-off. But the thing is, this illness tends to get worse overtime. So my "breaks" from depression were getting shorter and shorter. 

Has therapy been helping me? Yes, for sure. But it wouldn't be as effective if I were not taking the medication. 

It's a wonderful feeling to feel like I am here. I am present in my body. No more of that zombie-like feeling. Yuck! 

I'm still in early recovery! 

I have to be extra patient with myself during this process.

I think that the biggest trap in my case would be to be on a excessively high pace. I have to remind myself over and over again that I am not running a 100m, but a marathon. I want to learn how to use my energy in the most balanced, productive, and healthy way as possible. 

Did I suffer a lot in my life? Yes. And did that made me get behind people my age in terms of experiences, accomplishments, and development? Yes. Will I be able to catch it up? Definitely. 

But it takes time. If I simply manage to not overwhelm myself, then I am good to go.

Affirmations: reminders 

I've been doing some affirmations daily. And it's not just a  "I am" type of affirmation, but also reminders and acknowledgments. For example: 

"I tend to overreact" >> Repeating this 3x in the morning helps me identify when I am overreacting something. 

But anyway, the one that I wanted to share is regarding self-negotiation, which is: 

"Should I accelerate, break, or do nothing?" 

This is a practice, and I feel like I'm getting better at it. It has a lot to do with self-knowledge.  

 

My recovery strategy:

2018 - year I sought help

2019 - coming out of depression

2020 - stabilizing with easy and fun acitivites

2021 - begin to think about work & study 

[kag101]

I want to try to write here every Sunday. I think it'll be interesting to keep it up on a consistent basis.

 

Annoying back pain

I have been getting a rather annoying back pain. It's more of a discomfort. But if I have to bend forward a lot (for cleaning stuff, for example), then it really becomes to ache. One thing that I have found is that moderate physical activity actually helps for pain. So I'm doing that.

But more importantly: I want to go to a physiotherapist. Despite the quarantine, I suppose I can find one right now. It's the best chance that I have for improving this aspect of my life. I have always wanted to have a good posture not only because it looks good, but also because I don't want to have more pain when I get older.

 

Take action, or it'll stay the same

And the thing is, worrying about this problem will not help per se. I have to take some action, whatever that is. Or else, this will continue to be the same.

Thinking about the problem doesn't solve anything. I must take some sort of action, and then wait for the results. Here are some examples of that:

1) My hair

Since I was 16, I noticed that I was going to get bald. It's hard to accept that, especially because I have always really liked my hair. Earlier this year, I went to a dermatologist, and I started a new treatment. It seems as though I got good results.

2) My mental health

I have known for a very long time that I had a problem with depression, and I'd worry about it. It would stress me out, I would get anxious because of it, and life was miserable. I had a lot of preconceptions about what psychiatry and psychotherapy were like. I did way too much internet reasearch on that.

Had I not taken the first step, things would stay the same fucking thing - if not worse. I had a goddamned rocky start. I actually got worse. But then, I changed to a new doctor, and then he really helped .

 

Off topic: How I was like when I went to this psychiatrist (It's been one year)

I was really hurt back then. I had gone through years of struggle. Of feeling that nobody understood what I was going through. A deep existential emptiness would visit me every once in a while. And that shit was destroying me. The more the years passed, the worse it was getting.

I would give self-help way too much value, and my expectations for the help it could provide me were highly unrealistic.

Today I know that reading books, meditating, or practicing affirmations can help me. But to a certain extent. If I didn't have proper professional help, these things would be not only worthless but also detrimental to my well-being. Why? Because I'd understand everything wrong, and in the end, I would feel worse off than if I had never done it.

 

Anyways, back to my point about taking action. I will try to do some research on a physiotherapist. My health insurance will expire in less than 2 months, so I want to see what can I do.

 

See you next Sunday (7-19). Hopefully, lol.