Brain visions

[Preety_India]

Often times it's the image of a person which is more important and that's what I have realized.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Finally today is the day I give up 

It's January 5. 

And I was absolutely fed up. 

I took my final decision after a lot of thought. 

 

And I took it. And I just decided to take the final call and call things off. 

It has been a really rough ride and many lessons learned along the way. 

 

I need to know whether I want you here or not. 

Being judged. 

Then seeing all those pictures. It's too much. I can't handle it anymore so I gave up. 

I am not evil. I did nothing wrong. I felt like crap. So I did what I did.. That had to be. 

You said that I will regret it.. I don't regret shit. 

If at all I'm happier than ever to be out of it for good. But yes there is that disappointment that things didn't work out. 

It's too much too late too long. 

I have suffered severe distress. 

I have been nice and instead of gratitude I received hate. 

I am not like other women. But that's completely okay. It's me. 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I didn't want to feel hurt anymore. 

Is all I can say. That's why I chose to move on. 

And it feels amazing after a long time. It feels like great relief at last.. 

Finally happening. 

I don't have to carry any guilt anymore. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to identify with my feelings a little more 

 

I felt like trash. I felt crap. I was made to feel unworthy. I was made to feel unwanted, undeserving. Uncared. Unloved. Deprived.. 

 

 

If I'm undeserving I should move on.. 

 

The more I identify with my feelings the better it gets for me.. 

Absolutely important for me to identify with my emotions. Because they are an indication of what's going on.. 

Of course he will continue to find other ways to hurt me. Because he has to prove that I'm undeserving. 

He will try to make others look so good.. He will make it seem like heaven..

He has never been empowering. 

Two things that I have learned out of this experience is that 

?

Is to pay careful attention to what a person says and record those lines in a diary or something. So I can reflect on them later.. 

I have understood that doing that is the key to knowing a person deeply enough to make a value judgement on them, to pay careful attention to their words and to keep reflecting on them from time to time and not take it for granted. Don't ignore the red flags. The red flags are in the words. Don't ignore the words and just let it go as temporary anger or slip of the mind.. There's a lot more to the words spoken.. 

When a person says something, do not be dismissive about it as casual banter or rant. It means something. It says something about that person. 

They mean something when they say it.. 

?

Second thing is to completely and fully identify with your emotions.. How do you feel exactly.. Record it. 

One problem that I consistently faced in all of my relationships is the inability to identify with an emotion. I was not able to do that. That is every time an emotion came, I had it without knowing it, I felt distress but I wasn't able to articulate or describe exactly how I'm feeling.. I didn't know how to label it, how to put it, how to know it, 

It would generally take some amount of coaxing and some reflection and thought and the right vocabulary to be able to pen it down and say it 

Like for example in this situation, I couldn't put my finger on what exactly I felt but finally I happened to crystallize this feeling and when I crystallized it, it came into these words 

" I AM BEING MADE TO FEEL LIKE I DON'T DESERVE IT" 

" I DON'T FEEL RESPECTED." 

but to come to. This could be a cognitive dysfunction in me or a personality disorder, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what it's called where you are struggling to deal with your emotions.. 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The other thing that I'm learning really quick is that the question "what I am really missing out on?" 

And the answer to it is "a lot" 

I'm missing out on a lot. 

 

And much of this is coming from a scarcity mindset. 

And there is an abundance mindset which I have never had the opportunity to explore. 

 

I have said several times in my journal and elsewhere that I have suffered terrible abuse in my childhood and in my life in general. 

I have suffered extensive child abuse and it has debilitated me  in a big way. 

The psychological trauma it has caused me is severe. When someone steps on that psychological trauma it gets reignited once again. 

But I'm trying to cope with things at the same time. 

Although I don't have the requisite physical stamina to deal with stuff and that impairs me a big deal

 

One big loss or disadvantage of child abuse is the lack of ability to think beyond survival. 

Since your survival was always in danger as a child you were always ingrained with the thinking that only basic survival is a big achievement. 

Because of that you don't feel the need to think beyond it about better prospects.. 

You get stuck in thinking about only how to get through the day or secure a day's meal. 

I am now realizing that I might have operated in survival mode or deficiency mode for a pretty long time. 

And I need to get out of it.. 

When I see abundant people achieving a lot of things I get jealous of them I get hurt, I feel left behind.. 

I feel like asking myself "why can't I of they can" 

But the immediate answer that jumps out from my subconscious mind is that they weren't abused like I was.. 

This either causes a victimhood or victim mentality whether real or feigned.. 

I want to now think that I want to imagine from a place of abundance, like I already have everything. The seeds are in place. The soil is fertile.. 

Because I have understood that only from a place of abundance can come growth.. Not from a place of deficiency. 

Me as a woman can feel better only when I'm happy or enriched.. And when I feel better I will also have growth.. 

I want to do things that other people do like joining a piano class. 

I want to do things that abundant people do. 

People who have already achieved their potential and life purpose.. 

 

[Preety_India]

So I want to think from a state of abundance and plenty and not from a state of lack or deficiency. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I want to think about the things I would have liked to achieve if I had already achieved my basic goals and dreams.. 

Having a great quality of life is a blessing. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I was hanging out with Neil. And that pissed him off lol. 

Cute. 

But I'm not going to leave Neil. He js an important support for me.. My claim to little fame. 

He has been extremely handy and helpful. 

He called me amazing and a wonderful person. I'm glad he was with me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So today I need this 

I need energy over 9000

via Imgflip Meme Generator

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The 3 things that I need are 

Supreme confidence 

Abundant enriched mindset 

Believing in yourself and positivity. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I WILL NEVER TRUST HER EVER AGAIN. EVER. SHE BROKE MY TRUST 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Boundary decides everything between good and bad. When a certain thing crosses a boundary, from good it turns into bad. 

Certain terms that define abundance mindset 

Empowering 

Enriching 

Kind. 

Abundance mindset 

Leadership 

Empathy mindset 

Enabling 

 

 

 

 

Opposite words 

Incapable of loving

Judgemental 

Narcissistic 

Disempowering 

Unempathetic mindset 

Unkind 

Scarcity mindset 

Unwilling (to help)

Disabling 

Incapable of loving 

Incapable of unconditional love 

Selfish

Insecurity 

Lack of Openness 

Ungenerous 

Demonizing 

Unsupportive 

..

 

 

 

Gaslighting and reverse Gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is direct.

Like 'you're a bad person "... Abuser 

Reverse Gaslighting. Example 

" I don't want you to do this so I protest "

" you're a bad person for protesting ".. Abuser. 

Edited January 8, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I will flourish in a nourishing, supportive, positive, Empathetic and empowering environment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Why should an amazing woman like me be with a duldo like you who rates women only based on their looks.. Ughh. Don't need that sleaze. 

I am happier than ever and discovering the new me. The amazing me now. 

 

I am looking for a wonderful life ahead. A truly amazing incarnation. 

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have decided to operate from a perspective of the "brand new me" 

 

 

To be self positive. To have this abundant mindset which is empowering and move away from the low self worth low self esteem scarcity mindset. 

 

[Preety_India]

Such good, much love, aah yess

 

 

 

Honor to the doge 

 

I think I'm too tired to deal with this crap. 

I don't mind hurting you. The feelings are dissipating. 

 

I have taken  enough bull. 

So. 

You are always a dick head. So I just don't have the energy to deal with a dick head anymore. I can't be blamed. 

I showered affection and attention 

And... you're ungrateful and incapable. I'm done with that. 

You are emotionally abusive. You are mean to me. 

So i am getting out. 

That's what any person will do. 

 

I get shit on like constantly. I have no patience. I don't want to deal with that. 

You take me for granted just because I love you. So I'm better off without you. I need a person who loves me for who I am. Not a floozy. 

I need a person who values me, appreciates me. Is attracted to me. Has a chemistry with me. Not someone who just wants me around. 

You have been so mean to me. 

Feel like you don't like me. 

Maybe you do. But you come across as cheap. 

 

Past several days I've been drained by your crap. 

So when you said you didn't need me, that was the last straw.. 

Too much self respect. Can't take. Call it female ego or whatever. Don't want to deal with that. 

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So many changes have happened in the last week, and I mean the whole first week of January. I can't be more grateful but at the same time, there's tension looming over my head. So much needs to be done. 

 

 

I have been through too much and it's high time I move on. Andrew has been beside me as a friend and guide. Very supportive. Wait till I get this pig out of my life and I will be so happy. 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

He hates my guts hehehe.. This time gave him good. 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Enrich Empower Abundance Empathy and Support 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Empower Yourself 

Love Yourself 

Rediscover Yourself 

 

Be positive. POSITIVITY IS THE KEY