Any Idea why I did this to myself? (social-anxiety and way of live life)

[Javfly33]

I became consciouss, or better said I was able to recognize to myself that I have what they call now social anxiety about 4-5 months ago. 

I am in my twenties and I can not fucking believe I´ve lived almost my whole life in this state withouth knowing it.

For maybe a decade until months ago, I got my "stories" to make sense in why i didn´t never got much friends or social life or why i´ve never had a girlfriend. I believed 100% this stories, I criticised certain people and hold certain beliefs all my life in order to support my worldview. My fake self image. Now I realize I´m SO FUCKING SOCIAL and i would have loved to live such a DIFFERENT life that the one I lived THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS Why i did this to myself.

Now I can´t lie myself anymore. It turns out I´m not superior to other people I´m in fact less than other people.

At least that´s what my mind perceives now. Because now I have to destroy my mental image of the guy who tryed all kind of devilry to (who knows why) feel superior to other people like wearing designer clothes to not doing certain "mainstream" stuff to etc...

See, the problem is before I lived in a state of complete delusion for years so I would be allright most of the time except when I would met a girl which I liked or some special social scenario which would call out the lack of love to my self. In that day i would have a very emotional crisis but I would "make it through" coming with more rationalization stories and so on that they suck blabla.

Nowdays although my social anxiety has reduced dramatically I am almost in a constant state of "being destroyed" like constantly letting go of my image, of my image of being confident and superior. Like it´s scary because everything that I judge of people now if I want to dont have social anxiety i have to totally let go of my identity and it feels like an humiliation. I dont know if somebody that had went through something similar can relate, please.

[Nickyy]

@Javfly33 Sounds like it came as a bit of a shock to you? It will pass. Not everyone has the same reaction

[Javfly33]

11 hours ago, Nickyy said:

@Javfly33 Sounds like it came as a bit of a shock to you? It will pass. Not everyone has the same reaction

Yeap,  I guess I'll have to have more patiente and let it sink

Edited November 21, 2019 by Javfly33

[Nahm]

On 11/20/2019 at 4:44 PM, Javfly33 said:

I became consciouss, or better said I was able to recognize to myself that I have what they call now social anxiety about 4-5 months ago. 

I am in my twenties and I can not fucking believe I´ve lived almost my whole life in this state withouth knowing it.

For maybe a decade until months ago, I got my "stories" to make sense in why i didn´t never got much friends or social life or why i´ve never had a girlfriend. I believed 100% this stories, I criticised certain people and hold certain beliefs all my life in order to support my worldview. My fake self image. Now I realize I´m SO FUCKING SOCIAL and i would have loved to live such a DIFFERENT life that the one I lived THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS Why i did this to myself.

Now I can´t lie myself anymore. It turns out I´m not superior to other people I´m in fact less than other people.

At least that´s what my mind perceives now. Because now I have to destroy my mental image of the guy who tryed all kind of devilry to (who knows why) feel superior to other people like wearing designer clothes to not doing certain "mainstream" stuff to etc...

See, the problem is before I lived in a state of complete delusion for years so I would be allright most of the time except when I would met a girl which I liked or some special social scenario which would call out the lack of love to my self. In that day i would have a very emotional crisis but I would "make it through" coming with more rationalization stories and so on that they suck blabla.

Nowdays although my social anxiety has reduced dramatically I am almost in a constant state of "being destroyed" like constantly letting go of my image, of my image of being confident and superior. Like it´s scary because everything that I judge of people now if I want to dont have social anxiety i have to totally let go of my identity and it feels like an humiliation. I dont know if somebody that had went through something similar can relate, please.

This is still the conditioning. You’re still telling the same story.

[Javfly33]

On 22/11/2019 at 2:12 PM, Nahm said:

This is still the conditioning. You’re still telling the same story.

I'm becoming more aware that I have projected everything. Is that what you mean about stopping to tell the same story? 

[Nahm]

48 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I'm becoming more aware that I have projected everything. Is that what you mean about stopping to tell the same story? 

Yes. Very nice. 

On 11/20/2019 at 4:44 PM, Javfly33 said:

I became consciouss, or better said I was able to recognize to myself that I have what they call now social anxiety about 4-5 months ago. 

If you ‘became conscious’, then what you’re stating here, is that you are consciously choosing to feel terrible (anxiety). Obviously, you would not choose to feel anxiety...this is actually an unconscious activity. Someone consciously choosing, would never say “I have” social anxiety. It’s up to you how you look at things. You can even choose to look at things, and hold beliefs about yourself - which feel terrible. That’s how free your mind is. You’ can consciously say...ok, that thought didn’t feel good, I’ll let it go and choose one that feels better. 

I am in my twenties and I can not fucking believe I´ve lived almost my whole life in this state withouth knowing it.

This is conditioning, unless of course, what you actually want to be doing right now is telling an old story which does not feel good to you. 

For maybe a decade until months ago, I got my "stories" to make sense in why i didn´t never got much friends or social life or why i´ve never had a girlfriend. I believed 100% this stories, I criticised certain people and hold certain beliefs all my life in order to support my worldview. My fake self image. Now I realize I´m SO FUCKING SOCIAL and i would have loved to live such a DIFFERENT life that the one I lived THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS Why i did this to myself.

This is you still doing exactly what you’re describing. Literally let it go, stop telling that story, and start telling the story of where your life is headed - that you actually want. Dream board the life you want!    

Now I can´t lie myself anymore. It turns out I´m not superior to other people I´m in fact less than other people.

This is “the pendulum swinging to the extreme opposite”. Just stop comparing yourself to other people and judging. Those thoughts don’t feel good man, let em good, and choose thoughts & perspectives that do feel good. 

At least that´s what my mind perceives now.

Cut that down to - “at least that’s how I am choosing to look at it right now”. Careful using “my mind” as a write off, or excuse. Choose consciously! ??

Because now I have to destroy my mental image of the guy who tryed all kind of devilry to (who knows why) feel superior to other people like wearing designer clothes to not doing certain "mainstream" stuff to etc...

Drop that drama too...having to “destroy”, etc. Where did you even get such notions? How does that feel? (Terrible I bet). Lighten up, let such thoughts go. You’re awesome. I love you. You can love you readily, right now. 

See, the problem is before I lived in a state of complete delusion for years so I would be allright most of the time except when I would met a girl which I liked or some special social scenario which would call out the lack of love to my self.

Literally, actually, completely - drop it. You are still telling the same story. It might be a story about the past now, but you’re unconsciously still focusing on the same perspectives about yourself which do not feel good. You can just drop it, and focus on what you do want. 

In that day i would have a very emotional crisis but I would "make it through" coming with more rationalization stories and so on that they suck blabla.

Nowdays although my social anxiety

Stop claiming you have “my anxiety”. Anxiety = ruminating, leaving conscious choice of thoughts, and falling asleep. It’s extremely easy to spot, because it does not feel good. “My social anxiety” = “I’m not actually looking into this, or choosing better feeling thoughts”. “Anxiety” is just a word. Don’t even use it. Articulate how you feel and why, and there will be no more anxiety. Be gentle, loving, and patient with yourself. 

has reduced dramatically I am almost in a constant state of "being destroyed" like constantly letting go of my image, of my image of being confident and superior.

Drop this “destroyed” narrative. It’s ridiculous, immature, unconscious and my man, you are soooo much better than that. ♥️ Soooo much better!

Like it´s scary because everything that I judge of people now if I want to dont have social anxiety i have to totally let go of my identity

No ya don’t. Not at all. You are choosing thoughts which don’t feel good to you. Just choose better feeling thoughts.  

and it feels like an humiliation.

That is still a thought which does not feel good. You fully, 100% deserve to feel amazing. The life, things, experiences you really want - get em up on a dream board already and just watch it unfold, and relish in it. You can totally do this today! Wake up! Consciously choose to! Drop the old stories! Catch yourself “going down that road” every time and stop & choose a thought about yourself which feels good. 

I dont know if somebody that had went through something similar can relate, please.

Yep. Again, you’re so much better than this. You have so much going for you. You have experienced a lot of what you don’t want - now flip the script - write down what you now know you do want. When resistant thoughts arise, those which do not feel good to you - just choose a better feeling thought. Make a “power play day” of it, watch some inspiring movies, clean up you room / place. Listen to some positive vibes / psychology. Abraham Hicks & Leo are the best there is! (But choose Leo’s videos wisely with regards to where you’re at. Put a pin in the newer deeper stuff for now. Listen to the videos on self esteem, not giving two fucks what anyone thinks of you, etc) Rock. This. Life. Get on-purpose about your thoughts!