Jesus. I am just not meant to be awake.

[Nadosa]

Somehow. 2 years ago. I believed I died. Time moved forward, but "I" didn't the day I died, but something still moved with time, something was still there.

Since that day I've felt so crazy, I am nothing I can really grasp and if I try I get panic attacks because I feel like that there is nothing I can pinpoint to be "I". Till that day I feel like dying makes no sense anymore, I am still so anxious about it. But what else could it be than awakening. I just feel lost. I am still here. But who is still here.

Everytime I meditate, thoughts and worries quickly come back leaving me in a state of trace. I feel trapped then. I did a good job of just letting things flow. But I cant literally face the feeling of not being there. It just seems so legit to kill myself. Because it just is what my mind tells me.

I have surpressed this feeling of dying everytime it came up. I let it go sometimes. But I cant solve it. If I get triggered, it would just show me that things are meaningless and dont make sense again because against all logic I am still here whilst my mind tells me I shouldnt be. It can cause me to detach so much from everything, but not in a healthy way.

When I meditate, I try to rest in awareness, but my mind always questions "who is observing? There cant be an I observing! So why is there something observing? Who is it?????". This could turn into a panic attack. It surely could drive me crazy if I didnt know how to let go.

God I am so triggered (currently dealing with an ego backlash).

I dont know if it just is a false belief? That I died? Why does it trigger me so deeply? Why does it hit me so deeply in my identity? What can I do? I feel basically it makes no sense to live like that whilst I am thinking about that state. It can only be liveable without thinking about it.

[Nadosa]

Recent replies I got for myself:

"Meditation is what 'I' does - its the erroneous notion that the separate self needs to do something in order to discover itself. With awakening, meditation simply reverses. Instead of a self meditating to discover 'awareness' or 'experiencing', its seen that 'nothingness' temporarily pulls itself together to form a conceptual 'I' from time to time, in order to interact in the dream/Maya. See that what you are is what happens when you let 'I' collapse."

"Meditation won't serve you anymore, its the tool of the separate self to temporarily 'see itself'. Instead, immerse in the experiencing of experiencing itself."

Edited November 4, 2019 by Nadosa

[LastThursday]

16 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

It just seems so legit to kill myself. Because it just is what my mind tells me.

Strange isn't it? You think you are dead and yet your mind is very much alive. The question is, how strongly should you identify with your thoughts? Where are the thoughts coming from?

But if it is truly causing you distress, then you should drop meditating for a while. Wait until some sort of peace returns.

[arlin]

 

1 hour ago, Nadosa said:

I dont know if it just is a false belief? That I died? Why does it trigger me so deeply? Why does it hit me so deeply in my identity? What can I do? I feel basically it makes no sense to live like that whilst I am thinking about that state. It can only be liveable without thinking about it.

Wait to jump in conclusions. You may be experiencing some form of severe dissociation. I have had similar experiences too. But it has little to do with spirituality. Usually it involves past traumas that gets stuck in your body.

[Nadosa]

No, dissociation is when I really detach from reality and my body, emotional numbness. I have experienced DPDR before. This is different, so much deeper, with actual "no self".

[Inliytened1]

@Nadosa it sounds like an identity crisis. And ego backlash.  You are aware of your true nature now but your ego refuses to accept it.   Try easing your ego into the fact that it is just a backstory

You're truest nature is that you are consciousness or awareness itself.  So when you are meditating and wondering where the i is just embrace that you are simply pure consciousness.  You are eternal and formless.  It's beautiful and elegant.  Just be at peace with that.  It may take some time but these feelings will pass.

It is still very fresh.

Edited November 4, 2019 by Inliytened1