How Are You Getting Over Past Relationships?

[Rosie]

Hey Guys,

I am interested of your coping mechanism with a breakup. Is there a pattern what you always follow or you  do it always on a different way? are you trying get back together with the ex before you realise that you need to get over it or just start over from scratch your life? For me all my breakups were huge steps in my life as I always use my breakups to do something huge ( to make them realise what did they miss out on mainly, but then when the pain is gone I'm just left with the great things), like after the previous relationship i started to work on a Cruise ship to see the world. I usually need a couple weeks to actually realise the pain of the breakup, before that I go to the insane working mode. How about you? What are you doing with yourself after a breakup to ease your pain?

[Nick]

Break up is actually a good thing as in results, but the process is painful. But you know, pain is the process of healing into something stronger than you were. So I think the first step is to recognize it is a good thing. Second is that you should not fall off track your passion. If you keep doing your passion you won't remember the past that much. That's how it worked for me at least.

[clytaemnestra]

I agree. Break up for me means being free to do what I wanted to do, but didn't have guts. After the last break up I decided to move abroad. Now, I'm finishing some things before I go, but I can say that I feel much better and more free to do what I want to do. 

[Lynnel]

It's the biggest amount of leverage one can ever get in his life to push forward and accomplish their dreams.

It's just so good.

It's easy : delete the person entirly and forever from your life. Cry. Deal with your emotions. And go on and rock at life
 

It's quite hardcore, but what's done is done, and keeping in touch will most often only make matters worse !

[marting]

You have to have the belief and confidence that you can find someone better than your ex.

[Pola]

Its been always quite easy for me to overcome the brake up with the other exbfs before. But the last relationship and the brake that happened really is so different. I am happy to find Leo's videos that do help a lot and motivate a lot to be a better person... Trying to do something big in life, some radical changes is useful and important but in the same time feel like trying to run away into some activity and new impressions, just to forget and to think less, to remember less. There is an idea that you should just move on and dont look back, cause its very law chance that something broken can work well again, but i guess we have to try our best to fix it ... if we did and it still didnt work.. at least we know we did our best and we can move on with an easy feeling.... 

Edited February 9, 2016 by Pola

[AJ]

Honestly I've never been in a relationship. And I'm glad cause I've seen my friends break up and how they suffer and how it is a pain only one who has experienced knows how bad it feels. I don't want to feel that pain, that's why I never engage myself in such tomfuckery tbh. So whatever happened to you, grow above it. You've got a bigger purpose in life, you've got greatness ahead of you if you Have what it takes to move beyond this pile of mess. So, do you have what it takes? If you have got it then great! And if you don't then sorry, nobody can help you but yourself. 

[Natalya]

I really like Susan Elliott's book " Getting Past a Breakup" http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

It's only for women though.

[Guest]

As a female, I've always resonated with this topic. My conclusion when to break up: is he contributing or contaminating your life? This is a deeply personal question for you to answer honestly and privately to yourself. He is either doing one or the other.

Coping mechanisms are various: first read, read, read. I studied a few new and old texts that helped me *tremendously* I will share: The Psychology of Love by Sternberg will help you see the physical and chemical mechanisms of why and how it's tough to break up. Knowledge is power. When we understand why we hold on tightly to our partners with a death grip it says something about our inner gremlins "fears" -- fears of dreaming, fear of not being good enough, fear of not making others happy, fear of being alone, etc. Once we look deeply at our human attachments, and becoming mindful of our patterns, by taking ownership and acceptance we can create fresh approaches and new methods to *get free* if that is your motivation. Also I recommend the texts "Bad Boyfriends" & "Avoidant" both authored by Jed Kinnison, as his books are based on Attachment Theory-- why we as females get locked into organic patterns and choices that are unhelpful to us in the long term (and short term!). Upon reading these texts, I immediately identified what I was doing, could identify my habits and unhealthy choices, and then corrected my thinking and behavior. Mindfulness is our key here. This is true freedom and true health - if that is your goal in your relationship journey.  Be well and best of luck in your journey.

[Lonnie spencer]

Gotta go through the 7 stages of grief. There's no way around it. Acceptance is the key, that's the final stage, and ultimately holds most of us up. 

[Shantanu]

Best way is to keep yourself engage in activities you like, your hobbies. Meet with all those friends for which you did not had time before..

 

Understand why your relationship failed, what went wrong on your part and what went wrong on his.

After this, know that, deciding to breaking up was the best think you did at that time. 

When you breakup with dignity, you almost know the reasons why you two are breaking up.

 

When you feel like calling back, or checking whether he'll be still interested, just remind yourself why you broke up at first place.

Don't take any actions at this time, you can't trust your emotion here. Tell yourself, you'll let this emotion go and then you'll take action.

Once the emotion goes away, mostly, you'll not decide to go on the same route. 

 

 This method worked great for me.