NPD, sexoholism, purpose

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki Be strong. Trust your gut. Do something that makes you feel good too so you can relax. G00d luck

[tsuki]

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. I really appreciate it. Even a pat on the back is a lot right now.
Coworkers seem to be supportive of me, but their fear is messing with me. There are a lot of rumors and accusations.
I have a tendency of falling into me vs them mentality that I'm trying to expose in my manager.

I will trust my gut.

 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by tsuki

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki You are exactly where you need to be. Don't get it twisted. Everything you are experiencing is perfection. You just gotta keep going until you wake up and realize it. 

[tsuki]

The battle for headphones is on.

I was called out for wearing them in front of the computer today and I told the manager to give me a reason.
He said that he does not have to give me a reason and that I won't be wearing them.
To which, I replied that the CEO will have a different opinion and that these headphones help me work because I can focus better.
I went to the CEO and described the situation to him. After some convincing, he said that he sees no problem when people wear them in front of a PC.
Workshop floor is a different matter, but I don't listen to music there.

With a triumphant look in my eyes, and headphones on my head, I waltzed right back to my desk.

[tsuki]

The CEO said that he had a serious talk with the manager and that he is going to look into this in the month after new year's eve.
I know that he's lying and that he is enabling this behavior and exhibiting it himself. He could not comprehend how can you "motivate" employees in any way other than by yelling at them. He was offended when I suggested that you can motivate them in a positive way, by hiring right people and giving positive feedback. He said that he conducted an investigation and that he has notes from hearings signed by employees. That is a lie and I know it. He wanted to convince me that he's covered by law and that I don't stand a chance in court. Not literally, but that is the meaning that he was projecting.

I bought a book titled "Emotional violence" and I'm going to give it to him for Christmas. He has a week after new year's eve to conduct a proper investigation or I'm going to escalate this to court to call him out on his bullshit.

I'm severely disappointed because I believed in him. I wanted to believe in him because it was financially convenient.
Everybody in the company was right about him and I knew it from the very start.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki What is your financial situation? Are you completely dependent on this job? It seems like you're in a toxic situation and it's really tough to change people man. You can't expect people will change even if there problems are obvious and you are really trying to help them. All we can really do is help ourselves and help people who want to be helped.

[tsuki]

@Raptorsin7 I have approximately 5 months worth of money to live off. 
My wife has another 5 months worth of money, but she saved them to start her company.
My mother-in-law offered to help and I suspect that I can count on my parents. I don't want to be disappointed by them.
My life is comfortable, but I'm not happy. I suppose this is the "purpose" part of this journal.

I have a job interview on Monday as a software developer.
I think that we're a match, but I'm hesitant because this company looks sketchy.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki Ok don't compromise your families financial situation then if you aren't stable. Be careful. 

You can get happiness without making huge changes in your life. I am also currently not happy but I have a different context then you. Happiness is a choice. We are the only reason we are unhappy. Our outside life means nothing. I know it doesn't seem like that right now from your POV. But is the truth of our reality. The longer we deny this truth the more we will suffer. Have you talked to @Nahm about happiness before? He can give you great advice.

Listen to Rupert Spira and Abraham Hicks for happiness. This talk is legit.

[tsuki]

14 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Ok don't compromise your families financial situation then if you aren't stable. Be careful. 

That was my reasoning for tolerating this bullshit for 4 years.
I thought that I can handle it, but I internalized it instead and unconsciously used my wife as an emotional punchbag.

Supposedly, I am treated better than my coworkers and that somehow invalidates my claims that emotional violence is being used. That's gaslighting 101.

I can't stand the way in which people speak to each other here. I leave this place filled with negativity. It's an oppressive, me-vs-them mentality. It works between groups of coworkers, workers and management, and management and clients. Juvenile cynicism spreads like wildfire, everybody is supposedly out for money, cheating, lying and stealing.

The cherry on top is this pile of crap is the fact that me, a sex-addicted narcissist, is supposedly the most emotionally mature person to even see it and speak out.

 

Right now I feel betrayed. I chose to trust the CEO and he turned out to be a fraud.
I feel like I've been studying under a master that turned out to be the bad guy.
I feel like escalating this to court is right, but I'm afraid of losing again.
I don't want to get disappointed by the legal system again and confirm my belief that it's a dog-eat-dog world.
My pride is hurt, but I fear that if I get the distance I need - I will forget and go back to sleep.
I feel like if I let this go, my integrity will suffer. I made a promise to see this through.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki I understand. There's no problem with looking for another job and trying to get out of the toxic situation. But don't make a rash decision out of anger and fear. You have a lot of emotional baggage clearly, and it seems you aware of a lot of your issues. What do you think of what i wrote above. Do you believe you can change your happiness from within? Do you even believe it's possible?

[tsuki]

27 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

What do you think of what i wrote above. Do you believe you can change your happiness from within? Do you even believe it's possible?

Yes, I do believe that I can change my happiness from within. I believed that I was doing that by staying present and allowing things to happen.
What I was really doing is sedating my inner child with routine and preventing it from expressing its desires. This bottling up of desires is what opened the floodgates of unconscious anger that fueled my oppressive behavior towards my loved ones.

I'm through with being passive.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki No, then you are not understanding it fully. You are thinking too much. The more concepts you have about this stuff the farther away you are from the truth that will set you free. 

I don't know exactly what you're doing, or what beliefs you have, that are causing you so much suffering. But i'm confident that there is something subtle about your reality and direct experience that is fucking you. You are the source of your own suffering. Not your boss, not your parents, YOU. 

Keep trying your best though. I hope things get better soon (:

[tsuki]

@Raptorsin7 I can see that you're trying to help me and I believe that your intentions are good.
I definitely do misunderstand non-dual teachings and I can recognize that.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki Yeah sorry I get that what i'm saying may not be resonating. I'm just trying to help. I just believe that major life improvements are much closer than people realize.  

[tsuki]

7 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Yeah sorry I get that what i'm saying may not be resonating. I'm just trying to help.

I know. If I got your advice three months ago, I would agree. I studied this stuff for years and it made no damn difference. It's time for action.

8 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I just believe that major life improvements are much closer than people realize.  

I agree. I believe that changing the path of my career is a good choice.
It won't give me happiness, but not realizing my dreams is giving me ungodly amounts of distress.
I know that I can write great code and I believe that this path will give me greater independence.
It may turn out to be exactly the same, but at least I will have the experience of seeing it for myself.

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki Have you ever looked at @Nahms threads or comments. He is very wise, and has helped me a lot. He could probably help you.

Good luck friend. As i learn more i'll come back and try to help.

[tsuki]

@Raptorsin7 I have had some conversations with him and he's been of great help.
I'll send him a message. Thanks man.

[tsuki]

The dust after the commotion seems to be settling in.

I landed a job in a small local company that deals with cryptocurrencies as a C++ developer. Major career shift, but it seems to be OK.
The pay is better and they were genuinely interested in having me aboard. So much so that my spider-sense is tingling, saying that it's too good to be true. I don't believe it though. I'll talk the terms of my leave through with the CEO today. I'm very excited and a little bit scared, but I decided to trust God and I will welcome the lesson with gratitude.

With all this racket, I did not mention that I'm attending catechumenate and learning about Catholicism. I intend to join the Church if their teaching confirm, or elaborate on my experiences. So far, the they are are top-notch and it feels really good to follow this direction. I bought myself a copy of the Bible called "The bible of the first Church", which is a Polish translation of the New and Old Testament based on Septuagint. Apparently, the Bible that is in common circulation here is translated into Polish from Greek texts written around 1000 DCE. I had the opportunity of reading these translations almost side-by-side and the differences are very noticeable. So far, I have read through the Book of Genesis and I'm carrying on to the Book of Exodus. 

Unfortunately, my sex addiction is giving me a hard time recently (sorry for the pun). I have some new insights about it, but I'm not comfortable sharing them for now.

 

Overall, I feel like re-visiting the early spiral dynamics stages and building my missing foundations.
For some reason my life always seems ass-backwards to me.

Edited January 2, 2020 by tsuki

[Raptorsin7]

@tsuki Congrats on the new job man 

[tsuki]

I just had my mind blown by C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity":

Quote

 For example, one man said to me, "Three hundred years ago
people in England were putting witches to death. Was that what you call the Rule of Human Nature or
Right Conduct?" But surely the reason we do not execute witches is that we do not believe there are
such things.

If we did—if we really thought that there were people going about who had sold themselves to the
devil and received supernatural powers from him in return and were using these powers to kill their
neighbours or drive them mad or bring bad weather, surely we would all agree that if anyone deserved
the death penalty, then these filthy quislings did. There is no difference of moral principle here: the
difference is simply about matter of fact. It may be a great advance in knowledge not to believe in
witches: there is no moral advance in not executing them when you do not think they are there. You
would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were
no mice in the house.

It struck me that if there indeed were witches that possessed supernatural powers and wrecked havoc among ordinary people, we would have to resort to killing them. We're not any more morally advanced than our ancestors from the so-called Dark Ages. We're just less superstitious (for better or worse).

Edited January 2, 2020 by tsuki