Values Conflicts

[Matt23]

Does anyone have any good resources, methods, or insights regarding negotiating values conflicts in closer relationships (though, not necessarily imitate relationships)?

I'm living with a guy, and we're becoming more comfortable and closer with each other, but the other night he said he rides his bike on off-limits trails which are designed to protect the environment.  Nature is one of my top values and I felt like he betrayed it.  I'm sure the right thing to do is to confront him on it since it's causing me to be inauthentic and tense around him, but I'd like to get some different professional and well-tested methods in doing so.

 

Thanks

[Knock]

Values clash, that's inevitable when dealing with others. Someone else is always going to have different values to you on certain things, and you have to learn to be okay with that.

What do you value more, your friendship or the dirt bike marks on the ground?

[universe]

I dont know if I would confront him. He seems to value adventure. Maybe you can find others ways for him or you two that can make him live up to his value without a bike.

[Nahm]

@Matt23 You don’t want him and everyone else to be under your control. You want the feeling of relief from the belief in judgement & control (and “values”). No?

[crab12]

What @Nahm said basically.

For conflicting values, confrontation doesn't work. Think about it from his perspective. He loves riding his bike on these roads and now he is supposed to stop because his girlfriend tells him to. Maybe he will even listen to you, but he'll feel resentment towards you. He had to sacrifice something he loves because he's girlfriend is nagging him about it. Things like this always ruin the relationship in the long run.

For conflicting values, the best thing to do is to just accept him and his values, even though they conflict yours. He is his own person and you need to respect that.

Changing someones values is difficult, it might not work at all and backfire and damage the relationship. Are you sure you want to do this? If you do then the approach you have to take is the following. Explain to him about the endangered species and the environment you care about. Give him the honest reasons why what he is doing is damaging. Give him information and then let him make up his own mind. The moment you try to force your values on him, he will instantly feel resentment towards you as no ones likes being told what to do and what to think.

[Matt23]

I agree. 

I think the issue was mostly in me not being honest about how I feel in the relationship and then bidding it due to fear.  I've had these situations come up before and each time I usually put off dealing with it and I end up suffering more as a result.  It's like I know the right thing to do is to at least simply tell him what I feel and believe and yes, even state why I believe that.  Then he can do as he will and I will have to act accordingly.

So perhaps confrontation was the wrong choice of words.  I think a better would to express how I felt in relation to what he did/said. 

I did this today and I immediately felt way better and more honest and authentic.  I said how I felt, what he did, and what over at will happen.  Instill feel I wasn't totally honest in some way but this was a great start.

It's like now, at least for me, there's more respect and understanding and appreciation.   Maybe more self-respect for standing up for my own values.  It feels nice. 

It seemed, from my end, to be an  amiable, honest, discussion.   If he doesn't pay as much value to something than I do, that's ok.  But it doesn't mean I should stay in  that relationship.  It's up to me to decide how I should then relate to him/others in a way where I'm not disregarding my own values to simply "keep thevpeace" or relationship.  Something which I've done lots of in the past.  Something where I've felt guilty for having pain from values that have been crossed, causing me to lower my own self-esteem and self since I didn't think I or my values were valid.  I put others first and didn't say when I was hurt and didn't value the same things.  Resulting in me not honoring my own authentic values and self.

 

[crab12]

I wanted to point out one more thing. There's an important distinction between conflicting values and when someone is trespassing on your boundaries. If someone is trespassing on your boundaries then the right thing is to confront the person about this, in a non-aggressive way. You cannot let these things slide. If you let others walk all over you, then this will destroy the relationship just as fast as you trying to push your values onto your partner.

Say you're the landowner in your example. Then it is imperative that you let the person know that him driving his bike there is unacceptable and you want him to stop.