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mandyjw

Clearing Out

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What is your truth, when it comes to your story? Your story is a very small part of your existence from one angle. However your stories also color your experiences and limit the depths of them. They even can limit you from seeking out the experiences you truly want.

Why couldn't I just tell a bunch of lies and make myself believe a story I knew was false? After all, the duality between true and false is non existent. I can't lie because truth is alignment, alignment is my power. To let go of the past you have to see and wish to align with love as truth. Or else it comes at you like a wrecking ball. xD One of those. 

I think I learned recently that alignment and nonalignment duality is really not a thing. Therefore, it's a more of being conscious of one's unshakable alignment. What better way to fuck this up than to shift your awareness to what someone else thinks?

 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I had a strong belief growing up that love must come to the exclusion of something else. If you love summer, you hate winter. If you love running, you hate golf. If you love Ford, you hate Chevy. If you are Christian, the other religions must be evil. If you are loyal to one person, you are less so to another. My Dad wanted my loyalty growing up. He picked up a pattern from his mother where he would complain and devalue another to get favor with someone. As if knocking someone else down would make the other in front of you shine brighter and feel more valued. It was a type of manipulation but I think the beliefs behind it made it come from a place of insecurity. It mirrors what one does in their own head to soothe themselves. 

The trouble is that no matter what you did, even if you were the favorite you were sometimes on the losing end. These judgements were in no way objective and they were always fluid. If one was going out of his way to gain favor with someone and feel validated and accepted in that moment, anyone and anything could be thrown under the bus. 

Love came with a powerful opposite, and fear of its opposite. 

Many things I thought I had loved in my past, I loved because I was allowed to love. They were safe. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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It's funny because there is no flip side, even to this. There's no one to blame. I feel as fond and nostalgic about my childhood as if it were one of the Disney movies or stories from my childhood. 

In the past I blamed the Disney movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about things and for painting me into a character role, gender norms, etc. If you thought you were a single character from any story, you would be able to point out flaws and have fears, blame and shame. 

Knowing that you are all characters in the story and its creator changes the moral of the story entirely. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I'm feeling particularly mindfucked lately. The root is a need to understand and be understood by people and thought patterns around this. It feels like you are constantly being gaslighted by other people when you try to look to other people to give you what you can only look to your true Self for. You are gaslighting yourself. What's the desire behind it? True connection. 

It's going to take some serious work and self love to untangle all the thought patterns around caring what other people think. 

I feel like my last attempts at shadow work were flops, too short on the magic or synchronicity, mostly unsatisfying. I may have been identifying or resisting letting go, or asking too much too soon. Or it was preparing or prepaving or I got attached to magic and synchronicity and then *poof*, it's gone. I don't know work from inspiration anymore and trying to figure out the difference is frustrating me. I had a feeling of disconnection from all the story telling, and in the night after the feeling that I wasn't but with a slight unsettling feeling that argued that I was.

Today I went for a run. It was extremely cold out, but didn't feel that cold to me. I love the energy of extreme cold even though I'm a cold sensitive person. I ran to the cemetery and had an impulse to walk behind rather than in front of Dr.P's lot.  I was the name Eva. I just typed "saw" backwards, which is "was". Strange. Anyway, if this book I'm thinking I might write is meant to be written, that's the name of the character. The trouble is I don't know if the book is metaphorical or a literal project. I then ran down the hill and saw a group of crows which intrigued me and heard an incredibly loud knocking sound from a woodpecker in a very tall hollow tree. I chased it into the stream and found that where I wanted to go was directly across from where it was. The crows followed me into the woods and danced around and cawed where the woodpecker was. I waited and waited for the sound trying to locate the woodpecker. I never got a glimpse of it but an odd sounding bird flew off in another direction. 

I thought about the meaning of symbolism of the woodpecker. I sometimes to like to look at spirit animal meanings but I prefer to dig for the meaning of it to me personally and not separate the symbol for the circumstances, the environment and the desires at the time. To me the crows were there to emphasis the significance of the symbol and the guidance. The woodpecker represents an intermittent signal that one has to stop be silent and patient, and be guided toward. It seems like the signal or the "strike" is IT but the space and the presence of the listener is. If I am meant to write a book or do any "thing" being still is my focus and everything else will come. 

Then sychronistic circumstances brought to my attention the word "liberty" again.


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Do you know what grows all along Eva's grave in the summer? Tiger lilies. We have always called them that but really they are day lilies. Here today, gone tomorrow. 

Why did I go to the cemetery? Because I'm reading Dr.P's book again. Funny... at first he taught me that you can never step into the same river twice, and now, that you can never read the same book twice. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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@Marc Schinkel :$ Appearances are deceiving. Going general is great advice here, thank you.

I, like everyone, have heard this song A LOT. I never listened to the lyrics. 

Lyrics

The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing

Come out of the things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head and a
Trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed, singing

You are, you are

Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know, singing

Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities am I
A part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing

You are, you are
You are, you are
You are, you are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are, you are

Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)
Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I was scrolling Facebook this morning and saw an emotionally sentimental video about motherhood posted by my Mommy friends which I usually scroll on by but today I had an impulse to watch it. I almost stopped because I was a bit disgusted and don't like to have my emotions manipulated shallowly by two minute facebook videos. For someone who sometimes picks up litter off the side of the road because she believes it has meaning for her, you'd think I'd be beyond these judgements, but no. xD 

The video was about boys in particular, because Mommy egos often like to separate out which sexes their children are into "Boy Moms" and "Girl Moms". It was full of emotionally triggering imagery and clips and the message was that to a mother, even though her son grows into a man, he is always in her eyes and heart, her baby. And it hit me, that the innocence and inner child is alive and true no matter what we grow into, and this applies to everyone on earth. 

Can you Love like a Mother?

William Blake's Tiger, Tiger poem was meant to be complimentary to this one, which came first.

The Lamb

Little Lamb who made thee
Dost thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o’er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing wooly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice!
Little Lamb who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?

Little Lamb I’ll tell thee,
Little Lamb I’ll tell thee!
He is called by thy name,
For he calls himself a Lamb:
He is meek & he is mild,
He became a little child:
I a child & thou a lamb,
We are called by his name.
Little Lamb God bless thee.
Little Lamb God bless thee."

The Tyger

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, 

In the forests of the night; 

What immortal hand or eye, 

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

 

In what distant deeps or skies. 

Burnt the fire of thine eyes?

On what wings dare he aspire?

What the hand, dare seize the fire?

 

And what shoulder, & what art,

Could twist the sinews of thy heart?

And when thy heart began to beat,

What dread hand? & what dread feet?

 

What the hammer? what the chain, 

In what furnace was thy brain?

What the anvil? what dread grasp, 

Dare its deadly terrors clasp! 

 

When the stars threw down their spears 

And water'd heaven with their tears: 

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

 

Tyger Tyger burning bright, 

In the forests of the night: 

What immortal hand or eye,

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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"Schermer Sellers explores the origins of sexual shame in Christianity, grounding much of it in early religious acceptance of the mind-body split. The mind/body split is the notion that our souls and our bodies are two different things, and that our bodies are mired in the evils of the physical world, while our souls can, and should transcend our base desires. This root rejection of our physical experiences, and the perception of sexuality as the most tempting, corrupting aspect of our physical lives, led to millennia of sexual shame, where sexuality is portrayed as a weakness. Those who abstain, who take vows of chastity, are seen as most pure. Sadly, that leaves all the rest of us as tainted."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201708/overcoming-religious-sexual-shame

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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@Marc Schinkel Thanks, those look like high quality resources. 

Apparently Self love has more manifestations that I had appreciated.  xD

 

Yesterday was like going through hell and back. I know it was (likely) embarrassingly obvious to everyone else. But I was completely unconscious as to how attached I was to the idea of purity. Confession, I've been judging this entire forum harshly since the day I signed up. It wasn't even until last year for mostly selfish (not Selfish) motives that I even started spending much time here.

There are plenty of people who reject their conservative upbringing and have shame but I really bought into it. I really believed it. Worse yet, I thought I was already free of it because I hated Christian organizations that were too strict, especially with the subject of sex. Why else would it provoke such a reaction in me? I made my stance slightly more moderate and then rebelled against theirs. I couldn't see that it was the same mental fallacy. 

As I became more liberal and accepting over time this was almost always applied to the practice of loving and accepting others. Never myself. 

There's another cat synchronicity. I realize now when I was writing out my past in detail I glossed over and avoided all the sexual themed memories that came up.  I wrote about how when I met my now close friend the first week or two of highschool, she had a boyfriend who started acting crude in highschool and shortly after broke up with him. The one thing he did that stuck out in my memory is that he passed around a printed "meme" before those existed to the entire class. It said "Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten." Yesterday this meme showed up on my facebook page. "Care killed the cat." Even funnier now. xD

Sometimes I tell myself it's not about that. I think it's about something else excluding that. It's true, it's not about that. But it includes that. 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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It's too cold and snowy to run. On the day I had a rough time I went for a really long ski out in the middle of the woods. When I came back I was reading about ideas on how to heal sexual repression and found a blog article that suggested belly dancing. A light bulb went on. I ready the benefits of belly dancing and was shocked that it targets every problem I have and is related with kundalini energy. I was following a tutorial today and she started laughing and saying she was getting crazy when she said the energy comes up through the floor "but it does" she said. xD I have really bad back, stomach pain, hip pain and sciatica that just moves around. Three days in to learning it and I feel amazing.

I also feel like I have strangely increased energy and have moved an energy blockage into my psyche.

:|

I have stopped eating meat. I will still eat it if it's served to me and I still eat a couple cans of sardines a week. I'm still following fodmaps for the stomach pain. The digestive, spine and cyclical pain is strangely interconnected. I basically live off of rice, veggies, nuts and some fruit. 

I had a conversation with my Dad yesterday and mentioned the link with back pain and being raised with sexual repression, in a very general way. He talked a lot about homosexuality and the views of it growing up and I realized and appreciated that he has made an incredible journey into open-mindedness compared with the culture he grew up in. The temptation to blame my parents for anything would be highly unfair and ignorant of their own stories. 

Alan Watts says that puritanism only exists to make sex more interesting. Since I know that we chose our lives and the families we would be raised in, what is the purpose of this? Why have I done this to myself?  Also how is sexual energy and spiritual energy one and how is it split? By repressing one I repress the other. Have I tried to deny the devil again? 

The strangest thing is that I was happy, satisfied, until the same time that I left complacent Christianity and started in with mindfulness, Buddhism and non duality. Then I denied it all, everything, in a major way.  

I'm hoping dancing and connecting exercise in a way other than running will help me connect with the body I tried to deny in several different ways over my life. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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It's just completely, entirely, caused by fear. Fear of causing a bad situation, fear of getting into trouble, fear of being blamed, fear of shame, fear of not being attractive, fear of being shamed or mocked, fear of losing my reputation, fear of attracting a situation that endangers my safety.

So you over eat just enough so that your curves are safely hidden, dress like a slob all the time because that isn't enough. You never look people in the eye, you hold your head down, you slouch because your breasts are too small and you've been embarrassed of your body since you were 10 and never dealt with it. So you ignore the subject entirely. You literally changed your posture to one that causes pain so you can hide. You tell yourself everything else is a waste of time, or egoic identification with looks. 

When will you learn, just fucking focus on what you want? You want to love your body, without a care what anyone else thinks so go there. You want to inspire, so go there. Stop slogging through the mud of wasted thoughts, attracting what you don't want. 

It's only there, for you. No one else. Inspiration in inherently shared. In the space of pure inspiration there is no you, nobody, no body. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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So the symbol of horses, or mustangs and horses keeps coming up and has for a while. This afternoon I finally made the connection.

Most or many girls are obsessed with horses growing up. I wasn't. I thought they were visually beautiful but I was afraid of horses in reality. I remember there being a comment about why girls like horses, because of the motion, and I'm not sure if this affected that. 

First there's my husband's Mustang. Then the Mustang car in Lana Del Rey's videos that I started watching last winter before the awakening that became a sort of story line. Then I remembered that when I went to Florida with my husband's family when I was 17 I saw a bellydancer in person. I remember feeling awkward about it, feeling my inlaws awkward reaction, and also that sort of feeling of judgement and comparison that never feels great. We had gone to a horse show, and there was a bellydancer there to entertain the line of people. The connection between bellydancing and horses was made. Then I made a connection between bellydancing and how I used to like Shakira. So I watched her video again from the song I remember best. 

And then, what the fuck? Horses.

So then I remembered nearly nude photos of Daniel Radcliff. So I looked up the play he acted in, "Equus" and the storyline. Pure hilarity. It's about sexual repression, and misplaced religious reverence and worship, and the psychiatrist who treats him. "The final scene has another monologue by Dysart questioning the fundamentals of his practice and whether or not what he does will actually help Alan, as the effect of his treatment will make him "normal" at the cost of his humanity."

When I was a teenager there were three boys I chatted with online when I was lonely and had at some point, deep friendships with. What's interesting is that I was a passionate Christian. They were all platonic friendships. One was an atheist. One was a Satantist. One was a loosely identified Wiccan. I remember loving the Daniel Radcliff photos and talking about it with the Wiccan friend. 

In my old notes in my memory box is one remnant of an old story that I started and never finished. The way it lacks continuation and suddenly stops making sense reflects my feelings now and makes me want to scream. I wrote it when I was 16 or 17, or younger. Reading it just now made my face turn red, caused me to laugh and laugh and then crumble it up in frustration.

"The sun was beating down and the sweat covered her tan face and her bare shoulders. She hardly dared to breathe for fear the magic of it might be ruined. She hardly dared to think about it for fear that if she anticipated it too strongly or was too expecting, that this one time they might not come. 

She would wait like that, just thinking and looking out. And then, like that, they would be there all at once as if they'd never left. And time stopped. First she heard the distant thunder, the only warning. And then they were upon her. Their hooves cut through the red dry dirt and dust was everywhere. They were majestic, so majestic, that just watching one by itself could take her breath away. But what was most amazing was their freedom, They were the very essence of freedom to her. They were the simplest and therefore most perfect and unaltered form of freedom. She never felt more free, never more complete than when she watched the wild mustangs run.

It was like the thunder, the way it surrounds you, overtakes you, is part of you. And then as quickly as it comes, it is gone and you are left by yourself standing in awe. 

It was then when the thunder of the hooves could no longer be heard, when the dust had settled and the sun finally disappeared behind the horizon when a realization came to her."

I won't write the last shaky unfinished line and half because what ruined my writing flow was, essentially... "care killed the cat."

 

 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Psychologists, sociologists, art therapists and art educators all have noted the adolescent female's fascination for horses. The general concensus from these diverse disciplines has been that the girls' preoccupation is of a sexual nature and that they tend to lose their passionate interest in horses in direct proportion to their growing interest in boys (Braider, 1976); this is said to mark the end of the girls' phallic stage and their desire to have a penis. (Van Herik, 1982; Freud, 1923). This Freudian psychoanalytic theory of penis envy has gained wide acceptance and often is reflected in analyses of children's art in art therapy where the horse serves as a symbol of sexual power (Kramer, 1979; Leuner, 1983) and where a repetition of this theme over a period of time could become an "unhealthy preoccupation" (Kramer, 1979) especially if continued beyond the phallic stage.

For girls horses are more important than for boys. In general we find girls less inclined than boys to invest mechanical objects with sexual significance. Since their bodies provide no model of dramatic erection and detumescence, girls are not so readily fascinated by objects that can be made to start and stop at their owners will. Large animals that can be induced to lend their strength to the people astride their backs seem on the other hand to be particularly suited to express the little girls' fantasy of possessing a penis, or of gaining possession of a whole man's powers and so partaking of his mascul inity. (p. 75) Art therapy uses many psychological frames of reference as well as psychoanalytic theory ( Robbins and Sibley, 1976). Although psychoanalytic interpretation seems to be the dominant influence in the evaluation of the theme, other approaches point out that too often penis envy has become an over-used and simplistic explanation of a girl's development (Sugar, 1979).

The horse seen by Freud and Jung as representing powerful instinctive urges of a sexual and perhaps aggressive nature (Jung, 1927; Freud, 1927) has an even earlier history. In Greek mythology the horse stands for intense desires and instincts (C irclot, 1962). In medieval Europe the horse was considered to be a symbol of fertility. The hobby horse used as part of the spring festivals held to bless the planting of the crops ultimately was banned by the church as a pagan phallic symbol ( Radford and Hole, 196 1). It is also true however that the horse has been seen as dynamic, powerful and a means of locomotion - "it carries one away" (MacKenzie, 1965). The horse also has been known to symbolize clairaudience, endurance, force, freedom, intellect, strength, triumph, understanding, obstinacy and pride (Jobes, 1962). The romantic image of the Unicorn symbolizing purity, the Pegasus symbol of inspiration and the Centaur representing not only sensuality but also dignity and wisdom (Barber and Riches, 1971) must also be taken into account when we investigate the horse as archtype.

https://ir.uiowa.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1125&context=mzwp


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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https://carljungdepthpsychologysite.blog/2019/08/07/carl-jung-the-dream-of-the-horse-represents-the-union-with-the-animal-soul/#.XijIl8hKi9I

Good fucking God, it's like we all come preprogramed and unconscious of our programming. The computer isn't aware of it's own programming. 

This could be quite embarrassing. If there were anyone to be embarrassed. 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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"Large animals that can be induced to lend their strength to the people astride their backs seem on the other hand to be particularly suited to express the little girls' fantasy of possessing a penis, or of gaining possession of a whole man's powers and so partaking of his masculinity. "

Aslan, the Lion, the most powerfully loved animal symbol of my childhood, let's Lucy and Susan ride on his back in the story. xDxDxD There is only ever one ever character allowed to ride on his back, another woman. 

5 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Good fucking God

Funny. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Throughout my life as I can remember, there has been a battle between wisdom and passion. I also inherently knew that wisdom was something deeper than I thought, but thought said I should follow its own understanding of what wisdom is. It turns out that there's no battle at all. 

A turning point in my life five years ago was recognizing that forcing my way through life to get what I wanted wasn't working. So I gave it up, including the passion behind it, as I follow Leo's videos, consumed all Eckhart Tolle's content, embraced consciousness work and educated myself about Buddhism and Buddhist teachings. None of it lead me astray, it taught me something I was missing fundamental to my happiness. But my mind latched on, and it missed the gift of life. The mind that had repressed it's lower or animal nature in Christianity, had found a way to side step it and disidentify completely. 

So it thought. xD This was necessary, and it was good. It felt good because it was my path. Then it stopped feeling good.

Last night I understood something. I love to debate and fight with people, to challenge their beliefs and have them challenge mine, to me as long as there is a mutual shared love and understanding this is the highest form of love. I've loved it since I was a kid. I've had lots of wonderful people come into my life to practice on. I'm not really sure in some cases how I've changed them, but they have changed me.

The problem is that when the need to change or control people, especially those close to you comes in, no one comes away feeling good. Because it was causing me suffering, and because I now understood the ego behind it, I put it aside. For once I focused on my own growth. I still thought I was separate. 

I had never stopped to realize my intention or appreciate the honest love I had for it, how it awakened something in me. I did not believe I could learn to do just that, without the attachment, need to change, control, be offended flip side of it. I didn't understand that I was practicing, how to communicate my love for life and God with others. I was trying to figure out how to communicate something impossible. This intention, to inspire, to communicate inspiration was so strong that it had to be given up so that it could be refined. It was never, could never be given up entirely. It could not be disowned because, who is there to disown it? 

I had stopped communicating in this way with my husband, the very same way our relationship started and connection grew, out of the desire to shed the dogma and repression of Christianity, the vision to share an amazing inspired life, all of this I threw away in dogmatic rejection of desire. I tried to deny to myself and him the very core and life of who I came to be because I confused it with the ego. The past is perfection, it's only story written now as I tell it. But it's time to reclaim the true part of what was thrown aside, with eyes that see clearly, with love that will forgive itself when it falls into old patterns, and return itself to what is true. 

Wisdom, love and desire are not separate things. 

 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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OH MY GOD. Life is just an unfolding miracle, every moment, right under your nose. Let go of the belief, the limitation, and inspiration floods in. What is limitation outside of thought? Never a problem. Opportunity and desire itself maybe. Certainly love. 

"I'm dominated by Love,

By my passion of love for Love." -Rumi

"Passion and desire bind your Heart. Remove the locks, Become a key, become a key..." -Rumi


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I had a great morning today, went for a run, did some yoga, I was cleaning up the house and had a weird impulse fixation on two items of my son's clothing items that were in a laundry basket. I ended up folding them and going upstairs to put away laundry. When I went to put away my son's clothes I found that the puppy had thrown up in his bed and there were roundworms all through it. I have had a phobia of worms since I was little, especially this type of worm that is more of a human health hazard. I've never had a pet have worms since I was really young and our cat got tapeworms. 

Isn't it funny that the puppy that is incredibly adorable and makes me incredibly happy every time I see it is literally full of the thing I find the most frightening and disgusting? Because I saw it early I got him into the vet, got him medication and called my son's pediatrician. It was really hard to maintain a great state of mood. If I hadn't listened to the clothes impulse I may not have seen it until it was too late to thoroughly clean everything. 

It was great practice at being happy regardless of the conditions and concerns. It took a bit to raise my mood again. I dealt with everything, and appreciated that I don't know what comes out of events. Just like I thought it was really silly to be fixated on my son's sweatpants, I still have this sort of fear around my intuitions. Having what I thought for so long was OCD back and now being conscious of its purpose is interesting. Abraham Hicks describes intuitions as being good feelings but Dr.P described them in his book as sometimes very uncomfortable because he had to make major travel plan adjustments at the drop of a hat. The intuitions ask you to stray from your plan and your normal understanding of things. You don't always see the purpose and reason behind them or quickly. You have to go by complete faith and it can feel "crazy" if you think about it. There's a lot of thinking to let go of around intuition. 

At the vet's I saw an incredibly huge, beautiful Alaskan Malamute dog. On the ride home I was thinking all this through and I saw a rainbow in the sky, even though it's been nothing but sunny. 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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My son had a new aid worker, I didn't expect to find one, on top of that she's absolutely amazing, also my age, loves dogs and I really enjoy seeing her. I spent months trying to find the last one that recently stopped working. I watched a basic personal development video today aimed at women because of an intuition. While I was talking to my son's aid worker I became very aware of my automatic pattern to make fun of myself and downplay my skills and intelligence in jest. This same thing was mentioned in the video I watched earlier and is likely why I saw through it as I continued to do it repeatedly. xD Did I just do it AGAIN, right here? Oh God. Care killed the cat. 

I ended up revisiting The Empowered Wife book, I pulled the book up on kindle to read later and listened to an interview with the author. I have a habit of cyclically revisiting things, maybe because seasons are so pronounced here that they prompt me to remember things strongly. The book is what started the ball rolling for connections to be made, it's what made me find Abraham Hicks and come to the forum in a round a about way. It was obvious to me that it needed to be revisited after last night's insight. Watching the video was amazing to understand my better understanding of the law of attraction applied to her concepts. There's some blindness there, I believe about authenticity to one's self but the angle she's presenting things doesn't need to criticized as long as one already understands these things. 

Life is so funny, that there are no high level teachings after a point, or they are all high level. 

The puppy's worms made me realize I want to explore my germaphobe past, and the other manifestations of OCD. I also want to link the OCD with the thoughts around an impulse to better understand it.  

 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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I "forgot" that the sexual scene my subconscious volunteered to read from The Crucible in highschool was also a horse synchronicity . That was probably the moment in time that I was most embarrassed, ever. I offered to read the part of John Proctor.  I wasn't paying attention at all and hadn't read the scene. 

She compares him to a stallion. "Abigail: I know how you clutched my back behind your house and sweated like a stallion whenever I come near? Or did I dream that? It's she put me out, you cannot pretend it were you. I saw your face when she put me out, and you loved me then and you do now." 

Then latter in defending himself to his wife, John compares HIMSELF to a stallion. xD "The promise that a stallion gives a mare I gave that girl." 

During meditation today I had a vision of a white face, and I was trying to recognize the image. Eventually I realized it was a white mask, the white mask in the mirror the Queen speaks to in snow white. 

"SNOW WHITE!" "Skin WHITE as snow."

The theme of white from Moby Dick made a big impression on me. “Even though white is often associated with things, that are pleasant and pure, there is a peculiar emptiness about the color white. It is the emptiness of the white that is more disturbing, than even the bloodiness of red.”

 

 

 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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