Journaling for self-therapycia

[studentofthegame]

Alright everyone.

I want to start a private nightly journalling practise to work alongside the attachment therapy / inner child work i do with the aim of healing childhood wounds. Some tips on how would be appreciated.

Specifically i am looking to come to terms with the feelings i had during childhood and beyond towards a parent. There was always lots of sadness for them, as well as frustration and resentment, and guilt on top of that for feeling this way. I want to draw a line under that and create happier memories with this parent.

@Commodent we have talked a bit about journaling already. Does the left-brain, right-brain dialogue work here?

[studentofthegame]

Apologies for typo in the title

[Commodent]

Yes, the left-brain, right-brain dialogue is essentially just a form of inner child work. So it works very well

You might not want to "create" happier memories with this parent, but rather acknowledge the feelings that were there. There is nothing wrong with a child feeling that way towards their parents, the only wrong thing is that those feelings went unacknowledged and dishonored. But now you can be your own parent, and honor that experience and offer understanding to the child within you. Because feelings always have a very valid reason. As a child, those reasons often can't be looked at, as children are inherently so dependent on their parents and fail to see anything wrong with them. So it becomes internalized, towards the self. The best thing you can do, really, is to offer compassion and understanding.

[studentofthegame]

@Commodent thank-you. Very insightful as always.

my situation is complex. For the most part, i was aware at a very young age that my parent was ‘wrong’. She was neurotic and did not attune to me very well. She did not model healthy ways of dealing with loss and fear and various emotions to me. So far from idealising her, i resented her and had anger with her, whilst at the same time loving her very much and feeling incredibly sad for her that she had these troubles in her life.

Should that change my approach to my journalling? 

[PenguinPablo]

 

44 minutes ago, studentofthegame said:

@Commodent thank-you. Very insightful as always.

my situation is complex. For the most part, i was aware at a very young age that my parent was ‘wrong’. She was neurotic and did not attune to me very well. She did not model healthy ways of dealing with loss and fear and various emotions to me. So far from idealising her, i resented her and had anger with her, whilst at the same time loving her very much and feeling incredibly sad for her that she had these troubles in her life.

Should that change my approach to my journalling? 

no. i pretty much hated my dad. on some level felt bad for him but mostly hated him. even now i still resent him. this is all "conscious aspect". I still became neurotic myself, feel deeply ashamed of myself, worthless, etc... I know "consciously" this doesn't make sense. There's not even thoughts in my head telling me this anymore. But the underlying emotion in social situations is this. This is what you internalize, unconsciously. Your scars if you will, even if you are consciously aware that your parents were insufficient.

Besides a lot of this attachment trauma occurs when your're very young, like 1-3 or something.

[Commodent]

@studentofthegame  I had a similar situation with my mother, except that I never really loved her at all (or did I? I guess I've still got some introspection to do... ). My entire upbringing I was led to believe that the anger, resentment and blame I felt towards her was something "dirty" and bad. That it was some inherent moral flaw, when it really was a completely healthy reaction to living in a dysfunctional environment. Similarly, you were aware that your mother was wrong, but at the same time you felt that you were wrong for thinking so and having such feelings towards her. From where did you adopt that attitude? The likely thing is, it came from your very own mother.

One part of you resented your mother, while another part of you loved her and wanted the best for her. Are these two parts of you still at odds with each other, or do you feel comfortable with having both of their truths alongside, integrated into the whole that you are? A big, BIG part of healing is getting comfortable with ambivalence.

I think this guy explains the practice of journaling pretty well:

 

[studentofthegame]

@PenguinPablo yes, the first four years or so are pivotal and that’s the age where i experienced heavy losses. Thanks for your insights.

 

@Commodent i think everyones situation is different. I know for yourself, you had a lot of forgiveness work to do if my understanding is correct. My experience is of a kind of enmeshment with my mother, possibly a co-dependence. I am considering exploring 12-step for co-dependence.

[Commodent]

@studentofthegame  Yes, forgiveness might have been a byproduct of it. But the work itself entailed mostly working through feelings of anger, resentment and blame, and seeing the validity of them. I don't know if I would have been able to forgive her if she hadn't changed drastically to the better, which she has. And I suspect if I hadn't become strongly aware of her BS, and become very firm with my boundaries, she never would have changed. I did on several occasions make it clear that if she didn't respect my boundaries, I would not visit her anymore.

I'm not all to familiar with co-dependence, but with my mother there was definitely a form of enmeshment where boundaries were very vague and confusing. I can even notice this dynamic now with one of my flatmates (who also happen to be my landlord), which is partly why I'm in the process of moving out.