Meditation journal

[seeking_brilliance]

Day one, August 14, 2019

Time : 15 minutes

Sat quietly for fifteen minutes and tried to focus on the sound of the fan. Thoughts were racing, and it didn't help that my husband woke me up with a cup of coffee... I love when he does that so all is forgiven ?....  Thought trains raced about the upcoming trip, and about work. They were mostly trying to be cathartic though, and trying to help me be ok with certain things going on. Every time I caught myself on a train, I redirected attention back to the fan and to  connecting with myself. I don't 100% understand connecting with myself, which is why self inquiry has  been hard for me. But I figured I'll relate it to feeling the body and the  emotional sensations in my chest.  At one point I began wondering how long it has been, and when will the bell sound. But mostly I was patient and completed the 15 minutes without getting restless. 

[How to be wise]

@seeking_brilliance Are you in a homosexual marriage? Just curious because your profile says you are male.

[How to be wise]

44 minutes ago, Bill W said:

And I am sure asking someone random questions about their sexuality is not on your list of top tips on "how to be wise". 

Just curiousity my friend. That’s it.

[seeking_brilliance]

@How to be wise yes I am... Could you guys please hide your posts now? ? Only because I want to keep a neat and tidy journal @Bill W

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 2, August 15th, 2019

Time : 15 minutes

Woke up at 6, but still sleepy so I set the alarm for 6:30. At 6:30 I set my meditation time for 15 minutes.  Was still groggy so the thought trains kept going to nonsensical stories and images that I typically call dreamlets. I was lazy and did this Laying down, so that didn't help. After about 12 minutes I stopped, sat up, and reset my timer. After about five minutes the dogs decided they needed to go outside lol.  So then I reset my timer and completed 15 minutes. Lots of thought trains,  about life, about work, about how I'm going to write about my meditation session on here .  Lots of redirecting back to the sound of the fan.  There was a moment when I wondered how much time is left, but I remained patient and waited for the bell.  

Edited August 15, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 3, August 16 2019

Time : 15 minutes

Lots of monkey mind. Thought trains varied from work, last night's dream, the forum, and the meditation itself. Constant redirection back to fan.  Kept thinking how I would love to just get absorbed into the sound of the fan.  Had like a psychic cringe in heart area about three seconds before the bell rang.  

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 4, August 17

Time : 15 minutes

Really groggy this morning. Kept slipping into nonsensical dreamlets. Interesting how in this state, the thought trains don't go to real life problems like work or home or whatever, but creates elaborate stories out of thin air, just like dreams. Didn't feel impatient at all though.  Would have reset my timer and done it again but running late for work. 

Edited August 17, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 5 August 19 2019

Oops totally skipped today. Was a major trip planning day

 

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 6  August 19 2019

Time : 15 minutes 

Did not feel as groggy today, but there was a healthy mixture of real life thought trains and nonsensical ones. One of the dreamlets was about a man next to me who kept getting hurt and all scraped up on his arm or leg.  Another was about visiting some people in a building... This one felt more like a dream memory, until I realized I didn't have any dreams like this that I recall.  

Other thoughts trains went from last nights dreams, to how I'm going to write about the meditation on the forum, to why am I not listening to the fan??!! ? At least I'm consistent if nothing else. 

I will mention though, I'm noticing a firm distinction between being lost in a thought train and pulling myself into the present moment. The latter feels more aware and alert

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 7 August 20th 2019

Time : 15 minutes 

Groggy again. But got to sleep late and have to go in to work early today. After finishing 15 minutes, I was unsatisfied with my level of attention, so started the timer again.  Paid more attention to the fan the second time

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 8 August 21 2019

Time : 15 minutes 

As soon as I was getting up to meditate, husband came into room, turned the fan off, and turned his podcast on to go back to sleep ? but his birthday was yesterday so I chose not to throw a pillow at him. 

 I got up and went in to living room. The ceiling fan is different than listening to the box fan. It's much quieter and sounds more like a clock ticking really fast.  At this point I still need something loud to focus attention on, so this meditation session just became sitting practice.

Monkey mind was everywhere but no nonsensical dreamlets, perhaps it helped that I had to get up and go into another room, which woke me up a bit more than just sitting up in bed. 

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 9 August 22 2019 

Time : 15 minutes 

I always start the session thinking this will be the time I actually listen to the fan for the majority of the session.... Well, not today ?.... 

Lots of images this morning, one was of the snacks above the checkout counter at target ?‍♂️ 

There was a dreamlet about whittling down a peice of wood on the end of something so that the peg can fit through something else?‍♂️?‍♂️

I gotta say, doing the meditation right after waking up is interesting because of the dreamlets.  I wonder if they are just random or if they mean something... 

Did not think about work, and did not get that heart dropping feeling about the timer.  Just glad I'm not too self judgemental because not seeing a whole lot of improvement in quietness yet.  Can't wait for that.  I have a feeling the vacation will unwind me alot and cut down on chatter. I wouldn't know, because I've never had a vacation since trying to start meditating.  

Edited August 22, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 10 August 23 2019

Time : 15 minutes 

This meditation felt quicker than before. Instead of having high expectations to 'meditate' I just went with the flow and redirected attention back to fan without judgement. 

One of the dreamlets that was interesting, and strange... 

I saw a lady walking through a crowd of men. The men were all carrying  lunch boxes or something. The lady was carrying a much larger container. Then I see her coming down a hill, and she's basically  toting a large  ice chest with a bit of struggle, with the men parting on each side of the hill to let her through. 

[seeking_brilliance]

Day 11, August 24 2019 

Time : 15 minutes 

Last meditation before leaving for trip later today.  Was able to sleep in a bit and the sun was up, so there were no dreamlets.  Was thinking really heavy though, and towards the end it seems I forgot about the fan completely. Although I will say at one point I did pay attention for about 5 seconds, as earlier reported in my guidance thread. 

The flight will be nine hours so I plan to try at least 2 more 15 minute meditations while I have nowhere to escape. 

[seeking_brilliance]

Sept 12, 2019

 

Time :15 minutes

Concentration object: box fan on the right side

 

This is my first official meditation report since returning from a two week vacation. Finally feel like things are settling back down to normal. 

    Non stop mind chatter. This is usual for me. However I did not really think about work so that's a huge improvement. I constantly redirected attention back to the fan, but was unsuccessful at keeping it there. Kind of felt like I was taking to myself the entire time which is disappointing because I can do that anytime (and I do!)

While sitting, I had a few dreamlets (my word for short mind movies). One was this impression of talking to a few people who were line cooks at a diner and they were bustling around preparing food. Only lasted a few seconds but afterwards I was reviewing what I just saw and a voice said 'it's OK, at least they don't have to do it for Buckingham palace " lol! ?‍♂️?‍♂️

Another dreamlet was I had my vacation itenerary folder out on a table and this person began stepping on the visible pages which I knew my husband would have wanted to keep clean for souvenir purposes. I didn't know whether to brush the shoe print off or if that would make it worse. The person seemed to feel a little bad about it but assured me it was the French way of keeping a souvenir by showing your foot print. ?‍♂️?‍♂️

 

Wow I do love my imagination. 

[seeking_brilliance]

@mandyjw and only Mandy.... You can respond on here and we'll leave the guidance thread alone until I have a specific need, that alright? 

[seeking_brilliance]

Sept 14 2019

Time: 15 minutes 

Concentration object : box fan

 

Did feel a bit calmer in thought this morning. Still constant mind chatter but wasn't too excessive. No whacky dreamlets except for one of this African American lady handing me some kind of information flyer.  Did kind of start to nod off right before the timer went off, but I am proud that my timer obsession has subsided greatly over the past few weeks. 

Thinking about trying a new concentration object, maybe something more tactile, because the auditory one just seems to go in one ear and out the other while I'm still lost in thought.

[mandyjw]

@seeking_brilliance You're doing great. Want to switch to focus on breathing or feeling the energy field of the body? 

[seeking_brilliance]

23 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@seeking_brilliance You're doing great. Want to switch to focus on breathing or feeling the energy field of the body? 

I would love to focus on the energy field that's a huge goal of mine. I was thinking of something different like holding an object and feeling the weight of it in my hands. May have to rub by fingers over it and just feel it.

Attempts at feeling energy or focusing on breath has been difficult for me in the past so I thought maybe something more solid for now might hold my attention better.  

I own the illuminated mind book and want to try that again, but if I remember correctly it works with focusing on breath or the feeling of air on the nose something like that.  A goal of mine will be to start that book over but I really want to increase my concentration skills a bit first. I'd that reasonable or am I overthinking it? 

Edited September 14, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[mandyjw]

The way I mediate on my breath is basically I mediate on my belly as I'm breathing. I go back to that during the day several times if I get stressed or overwhelmed or just want to center or ground myself. It's super simple. If I ever feel like my breathing is shallow or I feel the need I take a deep breath and think of filling my belly then my lungs and my whole body an exhaling. That by itself deepens the meditative state. 

I think that mediation on an object or on nature, meditation by seeing is REALLY interesting thing and I'm really interested in exploring and contemplating the differences right now. This is exactly what Leo mentions so often in meditating on his hands. To me enlightenment is a lot about learning how to "see". I'm just hesitant to recommend that you switch out your practice for an object. The purple of focusing on the sound of the fan is that it will lead you to that "soundless space".

I would choose whatever practice really resonates with you and feels good in the end. 

I found this video posted by Zigzag Idiot and it really helped me understand the process I was doing spontaneously while running and spending time in nature.