28 cm unbuffed

Resentfulness towards mother

9 posts in this topic

Hey, let me share my story with you first, to then I'll go to the problem. 

When I was about 3-5 years old (I don't remember it at all), my mother ran away from my father, who was an alcoholic. I loved my mother a lot as a child and she always wanted the best for me, but after some years, when i got into  maturation process i started to become more and more rebelious and arguing a lot with her. I always thought it's something normal (and it partly is), but this problem came back to me. I was having a conversation with a coach (an astrologer), who's story is really similar to mine. He read in my birt chart, that I have some serious emotional problems related to home and that this may be the problem (inner child-me doesn't want to forgive my mother that she left my dad).

It really makes sense, and it's a thing that's in my head for some time now and I want to get rid of this problem forever. I was reading something about it in "Iron Jon" and even Carl Jung, who called it "Anima" part of a man, and battle for deliverance from the Mother, but I still didn't embody it. This astrologer guy told me to pray to Holy Mary/Mother and that it will bring some insights about what to do next.

So I started doing about 10 minutes of "affirmation" everyday ("I let go of grudge towards my mother"), but I'm not sure if that's the right way to do it (I want to do the prayer pragmatically, scientifically, and I still didn't find "my way" to do it). I also started doing some exercises that open you up to emotions and traumas (they basically remove tension from belly and chest and change vibrations in this places).

I also heard phrase -  "the guy who loves his mother is loved by all the women" which really makes sense in my situation. I'm a handsome, smart dude but somehow I had only one girfriend in my life and it ended up really bad. There was a part in my life when I became really misogynistic and I fell like subconcioussly it's still there.  

So - if any of you had similar problem and would like to share how he overcame it - I would be more than grateful. 

Peace ;)

 

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Posted (edited)

Forced forgiveness doesn't work. It's fake and inauthentic. Forgiveness is not an act, but a byproduct of healthy blame. Like any emotion, it might come and it might go. Point being, you don't have to forgive her.

I would suggest you to talk with your mother about what happened. If she responds well and is willing to listen then that is definitely something to build on. Your relationship could be saved. If not, I'm afraid there is not much hope. Honesty and trust is a central theme in any healthy relationship.

49 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I also heard phrase -  "the guy who loves his mother is loved by all the women" which really makes sense in my situation.

The dynamic that was between been you and your mother while growing up is likely going to be the dynamic you're going to have with other women. This is not your fault however, as it is the parent's responsibility to fascilitate a healthy dynamic and not the child's. You can make efforts to change this dynamic with other people by changing this dynamic in yourself that you have internalized. (You are treating yourself  and others the same way your mother treated you). Check out the Internal Family Systems Model.

Edited by Commodent

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I don’t fully understand what is your problem with your mother. What are/were the reasons for your arguments? Me and my partner grew up in dysfunctional families, it really helps knowing what the real source of the problem is. Now, when you’re older, it’s easier to look back and analyse what actually happened. Also, it’s easier to remove a problem when you understand the cause.


I have an opinion on everything :D

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The cause is like I said - resentfulness because she left my dad and it's rooted deep within subconciouss. I know it's like that, because I was really resentful towards god aswell, because i had no father, I felt abandoned by him. So - I don't know what my problem REALLY is and how to cure that within me, I'm trying to act the best as I can towards my mother and towards women, but I feel like it will never heal the root problem and that's what I'm always interested in. What I feel the most sorrow towards her is the lack of emotional bound (I know it had to be that way - she had to become my father basically) and all of my life I feel the thing I'm missing the most is LOVE from the other human being.   

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She did it from a place of Love. 

You are not “there”, you are here, now. You are grand central station, and the thoughts leave you like trains. You can hop on one, sure. If it gets a bit crazy, notice, you were never really on a train (it’s just a thought story about a “you” and a “past” - notice this, and realize you are right here, grand central station, ya never left. 

The LOVE is through, ‘behind’, ‘prior to’ - your own sensations. That is the path you are on, regardless of the thought stories you entertain. 

Sensations arise, and you keep linking them to a thought story (“you” & the past)...while the sensations are telling you, the way you are choosing to look at things, which is causing resentment, abandonment, etc,etc - is not true. 

You are here now. That is true. 

Keep going to thought stories, and you keep suffering. 

Seek some quality counseling if need be, read some books, if need be. Meditate, slow the attachment down - you don’t need to believe thoughts, ever.

You are a creator. Not a regretter, not a resenter.

That will never feel good. 

Dad was doing his best - he ignored his sensations too. 

Mom is doing her best, living in non-sense. 

What about you though?

Same?

Doubt it. 

You can create.


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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@Nahm

Do you know any book that could help me understanding what you wrote?

Sorry, but right now it's just philosophical mambo jumbo to me, I just don't get it.

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@28 cm unbuffed Google / Amazon self esteem, abandonment, how to truly forgive, etc, look at reviews. The point is there is no philosophical point. A secondary point is - you do it. You’re free to think of these things any which way you want. Some sensations will arise, don’t resist them, embrace, explore, cry like a baby - let it out, let the healing in. The past is passed man, sans you recreating it. The misunderstanding of sensations perpetuates that recreation. You’re thinking the way you feel about it is because of what happened, what’s needed is the discovery you feel this way because of how you’re looking at yourself. Your sensations are saying “you’re way better than that” - you’re quite sensational. 


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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11 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

The cause is like I said - resentfulness because she left my dad and it's rooted deep within subconciouss. I know it's like that, because I was really resentful towards god aswell, because i had no father, I felt abandoned by him. So - I don't know what my problem REALLY is and how to cure that within me, I'm trying to act the best as I can towards my mother and towards women, but I feel like it will never heal the root problem and that's what I'm always interested in. What I feel the most sorrow towards her is the lack of emotional bound (I know it had to be that way - she had to become my father basically) and all of my life I feel the thing I'm missing the most is LOVE from the other human being.   

You didn’t get the love you wanted/needed. I’m really sorry about that as every child should get lots of love. Luckily, you still have whole your life ahead of you and plenty of time to get the love you want. Be open to love, make it easy for people to love you, appreciate the love you get and reward it with loving back so they keep loving you. It might take some time to find the love you want and be open to it but it can be done. All the best! :)


I have an opinion on everything :D

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Posted (edited)

On 16.07.2019 at 3:22 AM, JustThinkingAloud said:

You didn’t get the love you wanted/needed. I’m really sorry about that as every child should get lots of love. Luckily, you still have whole your life ahead of you and plenty of time to get the love you want. Be open to love, make it easy for people to love you, appreciate the love you get and reward it with loving back so they keep loving you. It might take some time to find the love you want and be open to it but it can be done. All the best! :)

Thanks man, that's exactly the feeling that is with me for a long time now. I just want someone to love me truly and that I can love myself too. 

I think that could be the best "therapy" for me right now. 

Edited by 28 cm unbuffed

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