Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

Random Thoughts

I feel like my brain is functioning less properly than 5 - 6 years ago. I always had a pretty agitated and full of ideas mind, but my thoughts are just so random sometimes... I feel like I'm often switching from one thought to another completly unrelated and useless one. I think I absorbed some bad online browsing habits from other people where I was browsing in a quite concentrated way before. Hopefully, I didn't have a smartphone when I was a kid or when I was at college. I had my first smartphone at 20, it preventing me from the toxicty of multitasking and from useless garbage information feed. Even now that I now have a smartphone, I'm using an app to block most of the distracting and toxic applications. However, I do think that I have some light ADHD symtoms.

[Raphael]

What An Intimate Relationship is About

21 hours ago, Emerald said:

Relationships are really about depth and exploration of one another's souls and merging together as a reflection of the divine. Getting to know another human being at the deepest and most intimate level.

 

20 hours ago, Emerald said:

I see relationships as a path towards deeper self-exploration and integration and a process of learning more about yourself by learning more about the other person. It's all about intimacy and deep exploration.

It's also a partnership for getting through life together.

...

If you want a relationship with all its potentials for intimacy with another human being who takes your best interests to heart and vice versa, the maintenance is VERY much worth the effort. It's one of the best investments you can make.

So... I've never been a relationship guy. I always had a hard time understanding why people are so obsessed with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Relationships seemed superficial and useless for me. I never understood the reason to have an intimate relationship with a girl other than sex (which is why I never had one because it would destroy a woman emotional state), but I'm now seeing the potential.

I never had an interest in relationships because most of them are egoic and low-conscious. True relationships are deep, subtle, and nuanced. They are about feeling and experiencing the other person. True relationships are spiritual and part of self-actualization.

These two quotes are so perfect and elegant. Everything is so clear.

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Raphael said:

What An Intimate Relationship is About

 

So... I've never been a relationship guy. I always had a hard time understanding why people are so obsessed with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Relationships seemed superficial and useless for me. I never understood the reason to have an intimate relationship with a girl other than sex (which is why I never had one because it would destroy a woman emotional state), but I'm now seeing the potential.

I never had an interest in relationships because most of them are egoic and low-conscious. True relationships are deep, subtle, and nuanced. They are about feeling and experiencing the other person. True relationships are spiritual and part of self-actualization.

These two quotes are so perfect and elegant. Everything is so clear.

Awesome! I'm glad that it helped to put things in a different context. Relationships can be simply about mutual masturbation and as such would be empty and unfulfilling. But they can also be very deep and intimate. I see it as two reflections of the divine coming to know eachother at deeper layers until there is a sense of merging into oneness.  

[Raphael]

@Emerald Yep! Now the challenge is to get a high conscious partner 

[Raphael]

Why are people so dumb and annoying?

Seriously?

Fuck humanity.

[Raphael]

This week is super difficult. I'm feeling a lot of resistance and cannot get myself to work.

Edited November 7, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

When The Real/Unreal Boundery Collapses

I don't know what's real/unreal anymore, everything seems so real/unreal at the same time. Maybe because real = unreal? I feel confused, misunderstood, I don't know what I am anymore. Does it mean that I misunderstand myself? Yes. Why? Because I'm on the path of understanding myself.

[Raphael]

Get Out Of Your Mind

It's funny when someone tells me to get out of my mind because for that I'll need to have a mind first.

[Raphael]

What am I afraid of?

[Raphael]

7 hours ago, Raphael said:

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid of people.

[Raphael]

11 hours ago, Raphael said:

I'm afraid of people.

Why?

[Raphael]

On 11/12/2020 at 1:33 PM, Raphael said:

What am I afraid of?

 

On 11/12/2020 at 8:58 PM, Raphael said:

I'm afraid of people.

 

On 11/13/2020 at 8:22 AM, Raphael said:

Why?

I can see three main reason behind my fear of people:

• Toxic dad: My dad had a pretty bad influence on me while growing up. He lived almost all days of his life with anger and hate. As a kid I had no rights, the smallest disagreement would be seen negatively. He was very aggressive with people and was himself afraid of people. He always insisted that all curtains in the house should stay close because people would watch us from the outside. Sometimes he would take a stick and beat it on some scrap metal because he thought the neighbours were spying on us, other times he was also asking us to shut up and stay quiet because the neighbours would try to listen to our conversations. He was angry when me and my sister were playing with the ball in the garden because he was afraid that people would look at us. I had no right to get out of the house by myself until 13/14 because he was afraid that someone would try to kidnap me or kill me. Overall, things are much better today, but he still wants the curtains to stay close and can ask us to not speak loudly sometimes. But of course like all narcissists, he can do whatever he wants.
• The INTP Personality: I took the 16 Personalities test countless times now and I always get the same result. I'm an INTP and INTPs are naturally pretty weird and awkward socially. They are also pretty rare, naturally shy and not interested in what most people are usually interested in. Understanding myself and learning to deal with people was a struggle while growing up because I always felt different/abnormal as I had had no interest in "normal activities", but would rather spend my time in my mind with creative ideas.
• A natural awareness: I consider that I have a natural awareness that most people don't have. I had existential questions since I was a kid and had trouble to understand why people are so interested in shallow stuff. All these shallow small stuff always looked ridiculous for me.

[Raphael]

There's nothing except if I create differences.

There's everything when I reunite nothingness and differences.

[Raphael]

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

Past stupidities.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

Insecurities.

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

Past unconsciousness.

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

Very low results for my first year of freelancing caused by lack of self esteem, insecurities and social anxiety.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Raphael

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

 

16 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Past stupidities.

 

9 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Past unconsciousness.

I'm ashamed of the past.

[Raphael]

On 11/24/2020 at 1:28 PM, Raphael said:

I'm ashamed of something. But what?

Not being a perfect high conscious person.