I dont know anymore

[Wekz]

I have suffered from the worst things fucking imaginable. I got raped by my father, i got astrosized, humiliated, manipulated, kept locked in a fucking hell cell from their creating. Got used, and bammed for every single one of their problems. And now my own mother wants to be in a sexual relationship with me, and then i show her fuck no, are you retatded?? She pushes me away and tells me to leave. WHERE DOES THIS SHIT FUCKING END. How do you fucking speak to people about that???? So mom...i dont want to be in a relationship with you because...YOUR MY FUCKING MOTHER?????????? I dont even want to live anymore...for what?? How do you have faith in anything anymore, how??? Someone tell me because i dont see it, bullshit after bullshit, it seems to never end. I dont even know how i managed to stay sane. I admire myselve, dont even care if its egoic, i just do and fuck everything else.

[Wekz]

Or if i realy did i wouldnt need to talk aboit it?

[Leo Gura]

@Wekz How old are you?

[Wekz]

@Leo Gura 22

[Leo Gura]

@Wekz Sorry to hear of your situation. It must be challenging.

I would recommend 1) distancing yourself from your family, limiting your contact with them at least for now, and 2) going to therapy to talk all this out. You don't want to keep traumatic stuff bottled up inside. You gotta talk it out so you get perspective and distance on it.

Psychedelics might also be very helpful, although also painful as they will force you to confront uncomfortable things. But in the end it will be healing. They can show you true love.

If you live with your family your #1 priority should be to get a job and move out. That alone will help a lot.

[tedens]

leave them  immediately.

[Wekz]

I know i need to, but i feel so helpless leaving them. I still believe i somehow deserved all of that. And as mutch as i try i just cant get rid of that feeling. I know what i need to do, but i just cant, its bullshit, everything.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Wekz

[tedens]

compare these two emotions with each other: suffering that has been done to you and blaming yourself. 

[Ar_Senses]

@Wekz Shit, man. You situation is a real hardcore stuff and I truly sorry about that!

I want to tell you a little story about my friend:

He’s also in his 20’s. We’ve met each other at the Bufo Alvarius retreat. We’ve smoked substance from a frog, which produces 5-MeO-DMT and he was making me jealous about his results. When I smoked it I was screaming and yelling, rolling on the ground and he, vice versa, was happy, laughing, smiling, watching at the horizon and screaming “I LOVE YOU!!!”.

He also was getting a master degree at philosophy and teaching it already to British students. He is Indian, and lived with his parents in Palestine till his 18th.

Couple month after we’ve get to know each other he’s went an Ayahuasca retreat and told me about what happened with him while he’s tripping.

But before I’ll tell you what he said I need to explain a little bit of he’s background:

These guy was born from the women with a bipolar disorder. Till the last day of his life at the parents house his mother beat, verbally and emotionally abused him and his sister.

Also there was a preacher, who regularly came to their house and when he was a young boy he was really in love to hear those interesting stories from the holy teachings. At the age of six the preacher sexually seduced a little curious boy.

We won’t went into the deep waters but I guess you are like nobody else can understand what had to happen inside of the body and mind of the boy and than the young man.

So, back to the Ayahuasca retreat. These liquid psychedelic is known for its Healing powers and I myself experienced it (substance got me through the forgotten scene from my childhood, where my mom fucked with her boyfriend at our one-room apartment). So he was telling me, that at the peak of the trip he was at the absolute peace in somewhere/nowhere where he repeatedly heard “I Am. I Am. I Am” and then he experienced (for him that was Real) his own birth — from the womb to the maternity ward.

A Doctor, his mother and father were before his eyes and also there were a clear understanding that everybody is him itself. It was a fact, a reality.

And than he asked (he felt that there was somebody to ask): “But why those people, if they are me, bring to me so much pain?”

And something answered: “I made myself suffer to be able to experience a deeper compassion (to those who went through similar kind of pain)”.

 

I don’t know how you are, but I’ve felt that this is so true and so obvious. Do you think he will ever experienced the deep awakening to Absolute Love through psychedelic retreat somewhere in Barcelona if he’ll never went through this hell? Do you think he’ll ever able to become so wise and deeply compassionate to others? So good at understanding existence and so creative (he’s playing at the guitar and singing very good)?

Of course, there is a chance that he’ll get there without all that hell, but it’s very rare even for those who’s suffer. Chances of that for regular guy are very low.

So, I’ve shared that with you because I truly believe that really dark things can make you an angel and you’ll become the happiest non-motherfucker in the world!!!

Good luck, man! I really believe that you are hero and will deal with that. I’m also agree with @Leo Gura that psychedelics can help you went through that pain and Lear the lessons faster. I think, with your background, that even if you’ll got a bad trip (which isn’t necessary) it won’t be a big deal for ya ?

Also I have an other friend, which went through similar stuff — his alcoholic mother has tried to touch his dick, while he was helping her to get out of binge at her apartment. He’s not so openminded for psychedelics, but he went to the psychotherapist and that was helping him a lot.

BTW, I will ask my friend (from Ayahuasca story), maybe he will find some time to talk with you and share some real experience from his own life on how to deal with that heavy stuff.

 

Love you, man!

P.s. Check the story from the guy who has lost his legs ( timing 6:03)

And also check this out - life is hard:

 

[Wekz]

@Ar_Senses Great story and thx for the support, the last time i tried psyhodelics it was a complete nightmare trip, so im realy hesetant to do that again. But i found that, because i got...the first time beacuse i didnt want to spend time with my father (great reason btw), if i left it would happen again..that made me feel that helplessness all over again, so i think now it will be easier to leave. Or if not i will just find why. Thx for the advice @Leo Gura i will follow it, and move as soon as i can. Probably do some therapy too...need to get that out of me.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Wekz

[Ar_Senses]

@Wekz Where are you from?

[Wekz]

@Ar_Senses Croatia

[Ar_Senses]

Can you tell more about your last trip?

I’ve scrolled over your posts and saw that you have a lot of sruggle with the self-doubt. I think it’s clear that you may have a problem with the self-esteem. Have you heard about Nathaniel Brandon’s book “Six pillars of the self-esteem”?

Also, I know it’ll be hard, but try to vision yourself a happy future and hold it in your mind! Not the negative one, but the one which is positive and creative!

There was a psychologist in the 20st century, Victor Frankl. He wrote a book “Man’s searching for meaning”. In that book he’s telling a story about the time when he was living in the concentration camp. He believes that he’s will to create a book about Meaning in Life had helped to went through all the horrors.

Imagine yourself, healthy, confident, successful with girls, happy! Imagine, that you’ve figured out how to help yourself and now you’re helping others who went into same situations.

You are the Hero who went into the darkest belly of the biggest whale and you will rise and become unstoppable, immortal, joyful and great!

Please, don’t think “It’s too hard for me”, because it’s not. Every hero went trough the self doubt and doesn’t know, how he will kill that huge fucking dragon. But at the end, hero will rise and everything going to be okay!

[Leo Gura]

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Not as dysfunctional as yours, but still.

The most important thing to do is move out and become as independent as possible. From there you can start collecting the pieces.

Don't feel bad about leaving them. At your age you gotta learn to survive independently of them. This will also make you feel powerful rather than a victim.

Don't worry too much. You can overcome and heal all that childhood crap. It will take work, but it can be done for sure and you will later be grateful for that it taught you.

Hang in there for now. Do the best you can to break free. Create a practical plan for moving out and work that plan a bit each day.

[Ar_Senses]

@Wekz Here’s some shelters and counselor centers of Croatia:

 https://www.expatincroatia.com/abuse-shelters-counseling-centers-croatia/

[Wekz]

@Leo Gura  I was at one point away from them, when i went to college, then i started watching your videos too. And yes, i felt 10x more powerfull, but as soon as they noticed that i started to change, they cut everything. And i just couldnt study and work at the same time, and they knew it lol. And i couldnt leave because of the shit inside me, but i just kept pushing with my head trough the wall, until everything colapsed, and i went totaly nuts for a while.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Wekz

[Wekz]

@Ar_Senses thx mate apreciate it. Yes i read the book, and i know i got self esteem issues, im working om that too. But its funny the first time i read the book my self esteem skyrocketed, but underneath it there was still that wound that just didnt let me go forwars, which then lead to a catastrofy. But hope as i heal it my self esteem will get better too.