Why do I put people I am attracted to on a pedestal? Feelings of inadequacy...

[iamnotahumanbeing]

Last night I met someone who I found deeply attractive - emotionally and physically. This doesn’t happen often to the point that I would say that it is rare. I’m normally quite a confident and emotionally strong person, however in the presence of this person, I fell apart.

Inner dialogues about me not being attractive enough, or funny enough, or charismatic enough started to arise - something that doesn’t happen at all around people I’m not emotionally and physically attracted to. I had a real feeling of intimidation that I don’t feel in normal interactions with people (including strangers or people I’ve just met).

I would have thought, or would like to think that when you’re strongly attracted to someone, you’re able to pull out all the stops to impress them. While I wanted to do this, I couldn’t. I crumbled. I felt inadequate and undeserving. 

Feeling such a strong attraction toward someone is a very vulnerable thing for me to experience. I think this is because I am a) used to not being attracted to others (as I mentioned, it’s uncommon) and b) used to being the one that is found attractive. It’s very normal for me to meet someone who finds me attractive but me not find them attractive.

This situation, however, was the complete opposite - I was uncontrollably attracted to this person and I wasn’t sure if/felt as though these feelings weren’t reciprocated - this was very scary for me and deeply uncomfortable.

This has only happened about 3 or 4 times in my life, and hasn’t happened in close to 10 years, so it has really caught me off guard. I’m left dumbfounded as to what this reaction is, why it’s occurring and how I can work my way through it. 

A bit of backstory that is of relevance here... I had one of those cliche unrequited love situations in high school, but I actually found it quite traumatic and it took me a while to get through - maybe I still haven’t?

 

Very open to anything anyone has to say about this i.e. similar experiences, other perspectives and recommendations on how I can explore this further.

[Salvijus]

Putting things that are dear to you on a pedestal is not a bad thing, despite what everybody else tells you... 

When soneone asked krishna's advise on women he sayed, "every time i see a women that means something to me, I create an altar for her, what she choses to become is up to her." 

Edited May 24, 2019 by Salvijus

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, iamnotahumanbeing said:

I would have thought, or would like to think that when you’re strongly attracted to someone, you’re able to pull out all the stops to impress them. While I wanted to do this, I couldn’t. I crumbled. I felt inadequate and undeserving. 

Welcome to the experience of being attracted to someone.

What is strange to me is not that you crumbled, but that you say it is super uncommon for you to be attracted to people.

I would say I have this a couple times a month at least.

Do you have big walls around you? Are you uncomfortable with being open and vulnerable?

Because you're describing this like it's a bad thing that you want to get rid of asap, while actually it seems to me like you've been dead in a way and you're just now coming alive.

[SFRL]

Attract to someone physically when you just met them, of course. 

Attracted to them emotionally though, if think you got to second guess that. What does that really mean? 

From my experience you really don't know anything about the person unless you have known them for 3 months. Building up a real mutual deep connection takes like 6 months. 

So what you are emotionally attracted to initially is just an idea that you fabricated in your mind about them. To put it a bit more cynical, a fantasy. 

That idea, it never really overlaps 100% with reality. So pretty much always that bubble sooner or later is going to pop. And then what happens is that you will have a feeling of disappointment and anxiety. 

Now you got to ask yourself, is that even fair towards the other person? Not really. You are basically holding them to a standard they can impossibly meet. 

Everyone does this to a degree. If you do it too much it's called putting in a pedestal. 

People don't like this. Hot girls definitely don't like this because it happens to them all the time. So basically they need to disappoint the guy every time. Then the guy will start acting needy or upset and it is just not a pleasant situation to be in. 

[studentofthegame]

I think i'm having a very similar experience to you right now.

For background, when I was younger, I was very vulnerable in relationships. I was needy during them, and devastated when they ended. I had a near breakdown around 21 when my GF split up with me.

As I got older, I have gradually become less needy in relationships, and far more stable if they finished. I split with my GF of 3 years last summer, and while tough, was not the catastrophic experience it might have been in the past and we remain on good terms. I was fully confident I would find someone more suitable for me and wish my ex-gf happiness as well.

Then, 3-4 weeks ago, I met a girl. Immediately attracted to her. I recognised that for a girl I had only just met, I was thinking excessively about her. It should have been cause for alarm and I should have started getting a grip of my thoughts and expectations, but I think I felt confident that as we get to know each other that I might be able to win her attention too.

Well, last week, she agreed to come on a date with me and we went for coffee. I was a bag of nerves. I have a lot of stress in my life at the minute anyway, so my head isn't really in a good place. And during the first date I think I came across as very tense and a bit awkward. Since then, I have been an emotional mess. I haven't felt these particular gut-wrenching feelings for 15 years, since that breakup which left me devastated. It's confusing and alarming, because this girl and myself just went on one coffee date.

The date probably isn't the disaster I imagine it was, but I feel like i'm not good enough for her, that I repulse her during the date, and my intense attraction and neediness for her is scary and makes me feel very uncomfortable. I never anticipated behaving like this - reading and re-reading all her texts for a sign of anything, sitting by the phone waiting for a text, all that stuff. I am having mood swings, bouts of tears and thinking obsessively about this girl. There is a lot going on here, and I can relate to a lot of your opening post. 

I have been in attachment therapy for nearly 3 years (I suffered significant separation and loss from ages 2-4). I am doing inner-child work in therapy and at home. I have no doubt that it's these core issues that are at play, but why this girl has triggered these feelings at this point in my life I have no idea. A possibility is that I have a lot of stress in my life right now, I am not balanced and maybe I have been prone to something like this happening because the mental guard was down and I allowed my thoughts to get out of control when I first met this girl.

 

[studentofthegame]

@SFRL Not to hijack the thread, but after typing my response to the opening post, I read your post and found some balm in it. Thanks for this.

I knew it all to be true, but to read it the way you put it has helped me understand something.

It does take a while to get to know someone, and I'm expecting results after one (not very good) date. I think what i'm feeling is a kind of helplessness that, while im confident the girl I dated would like me if she spent more time with me, I have to live with the possibility that I will not get that opportunity. 

As outlined in my post, I believe my over-reaction is because of past, unresolved trauma.

[Eminent11]

I got another post and the same happened to me. 

I met a girl she is really attractive and I'm in general very confident in dates and most girls are attracted to me, but after the third date with her i had very negative thought patterns: i am not good enough for her, what if she rejects me etc. .They got triggered because there have been some similarities to the girl that caused this trauma when i was a teenager. 

 All that is telling you that there are still issues you have to work on. I started by writing all these experiences down who are causing this traume. I used the childhood vow worksheet of leo. Then i took the 3 main ones and created 2 daily affirmations and a visualisation specifically for that topic. 

It's definetely something you have to work on. My topic is being scared of rejection because that's what made me feel unworthy in my childhood. 

It sounds like you got the same problem. If I date high quality girls and i am in a good place and my whole live ordered These fears are not coming up, but when i see signs similar to how the girls in my past behaved before they rejected me, i get really scared and all this bad thoughts and emotions start. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by Eminent11