Keeping Track of My Depression

[kag101]

Day 11 [6-2-2019]

I forgot to write here yesterday.

Everything went fine. I have been taking very powerful naps lately. This medication is giving me a wonderful and restful sleep. I never thought I had sleep problems, but after taking this medication, now I see how bad my sleep quality was. 

 

Day 12 [6-3-2019] 

I woke up early (7:10 am).

My neck and shoulders were stiff and aching, probably because of the bed I am sleeping in. 

I went see my dad and give his birthday presents. We went to a place called Fogo de Chao. It's delicious. I ate so much, lol.

 

Blocking Guilt & Neurosis

I felt a little bit guilty for eating too much and I felt "fat". But then I neutralized those thoughts, by saying to myself: "It's okay. You're not going to get obese just because you overate today. You will sooner or later get back to your healthy and natural body weight."

 

#1 Mistake People Make Self-Development

One of the most common mistake people do in self-development is trying to change too many things at once.

This does not work. I have to focus on changing one thing at a time. Just the fact that I am taking my medication correctly is enough. In fact, this 30-day challenge is exactly for that: to take my medication correctly, and to reduce my usage of rapé to 3x a day.

 

Which Present I Got For My Dad 

I got my dad a San Francisco tourist book. I wrote a few things on the front cover, basically thanking him for encouraging me to live in SF when I was 17. I asked my sister to write "Happy 50th Birthday!" with a stylized letter. 

It was nice giving him a present. It feels good  

 

iPhone 7 

Oh, and my dad gave it to me an iPhone 7. That's pretty cool, because my 5s is pretty outdated. This new one has 32gb, which is not a lot but it is the double of my older one. 

I am having trouble using my iCloud backup, but I want to get it done by the next Saturday (6-9-2019( 

 

Playing With And Walking My Dog

I played throwing the ball with my dog for about 30 minutes today. It was pretty fun. When I was depressed, I couldn't feel any pleasure whatsoever in doing things like that.  

I am using a stick to discipline him sometimes, but I find that giving him positive reinforcements is more effective. But both of them can be used. I'd say: 

Quote

 

90% Positive Reinforcement

10% Negative Reinforcement

 

I also walked him. I realized that I need to keep him close to me so that I can prevent him from attacking people and other dogs. I have to show him that I am in command. 

"The mind is a great servant, but a terrible master." -- Osho 

 

Harm-Reduction -- A Realistic Approach To Life 

I have been thinking a lot about how harm-reduction is important. For example, I was overeating in the evening. If I was aiming for being eating perfectly healthy, I'd guilt myself for indulging.

But then, I simply asked myself, "What can I do to minimize the damage?" Then, I pre-determined how much I was going to eat. Not too little, not too much. 

This is called setting realistic expectations

 

Other information  

>> I found a "alpha" friend on Tinder. I was pretty surprised, because I didn't think he was into guys. 

>> I took a 2-hour nap today. I needed to sleep. I was going insane. I was very agitated. 

>> My hair is shredding. I have started to use some products for my hair. It is pretty soft right now. I don't want to use minoxidil (a product to make the hair grow again), because it makes my hair look greasy =(

 

Thanks for reading =) 

[kag101]

Day 13 [6-4-2019] 

I went to my psychiatrist today with my mom. It was a very productive conversation. 

I can clearly see what depression is. I know how it feels in the body. And the medication I am taking is preventing it to happen. All the years I spent studying about Personal Development were useless in a way, because I had depression. And depression makes it impossible for any progress to happen. 

I used to think medication was "bad". I thought it didn't work. But it does. 

I took a nap and woke up feeling much better, but my neck and shoulders were really tensed up. 

I feel a little bit fat, but that's okay. I know I will sooner or later get back to my natural body shape. 

I feel very attractive lately. I feel like I am glowing. And it's not something I have to think about. I think this has a lot to do with coming out as gay. Not that I will get lost in this label, but just the fact that I have said to the world that I am into guys feels so liberating. 

I have a consultation with my psychologist on Friday. I think it will be a very good conversation. I know she can help me heal the trauma of my parents' divorce. 

I contacted my old keyboard teacher, and I think I will have classes with him again. 

I want to take my car's license by September. 

Nothing seems to be impossible. I am not on cloud nine, thinking I am invincible or something. It's just a realization that with the right help, I can achieve incredible results in my life, and impact the world positively. 

I have been talking with a guy who lives relatively close to me. It's very easy to talk with him. And I'd date him. But I am trying not have so much expectation. But I hope to meet him soon. He's pretty and easy-going. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Grief comes and goes, but depression is unremitting" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I wish I could explain it so someone could understand it. I'm afraid it's something I can't put into words. There's just this heavy, overwhelming despair - dreading everything. Dreading life. Empty inside, to the point of numbness. It's like there's something already dead inside. My whole being has been pulling back into that void for months. (81)" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I am tired of hiding, tired of misspent and knotted energies, tired of the hypocrisy, and tired of acting as though I have something to hide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Anybody who's had to contend with mental illness - whether it's depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever - actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they've had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. ... You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're 'not at all like yourself but will be soon,' but you know you won't." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Far too many doctors-many of them excellent physicians-commit suicide each year; one recent study concluded that, until quite recently, the United States lost annually the equivalent of a medium-sized medical school class from suicide alone. Most physician suicides are due to depression or manic-depressive illness, both of which are eminently treatable. Physicians, unfortunately, not only suffer from a higher rate of mood disorders than the general population, they also have a greater access to very effective means of suicide." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I think that when you're depressed, you can't concentrate long enough and well enough to read for the most part; some people can, but by and large people - that's one of the first things that goes, is the capacity to read meaningful literature. With grief, that's not true. For a while you can't read, but then you really are amenable to solace." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"The awareness of the damage done by severe mental illness—to the individual himself and to others—and fears that it may return again play a decisive role in many suicides" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Others would say to me, 'It is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,' but of course they had no idea how I felt, although they were certain that they did. Over and over and over I would say to myself, If I can't feel, if I can't move, if I can't think, and I can't care, then what conceivable point is there in living?" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I have had manic-depressive illness, also known as bipolar disorder, since I was 18 years old. It is an illness that ensures that those who have it will experience a frightening, chaotic and emotional ride. It is not a gentle or easy disease." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I think wanting to write is a fundamental sign of disease and discomfort. I don't think people who are comfortable want to write." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"It is tempting when looking at the life of anyone who has committed suicide to read into the decision to die a vastly complex web of reasons; and, of course, such complexity is warranted. No one illness or event causes suicide; and certainly no one knows all, or perhaps even most, of the motivations behind the killing of the self. But psychopathology is almost always there, and its deadliness is fierce. Love, success, and friendship are not always enough to counter the pain and destructiveness of severe mental illness" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one's own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy" ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"Every seventeen minutes in America, someone commits suicide. Mostly, I have been impressed by how little value our society puts on saving the lives of those who are in such despair as to want to end them. It is a societal illusion that suicide is rare. It is not." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"One of things so bad about depression and bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I remember sitting in his office a hundred times during those grim months and each time thinking, 'What on earth can he say that will make me feel better or keep me alive?' Well, there never was anything he could say, that's the funny thing. It was all the stupid, desperately optimistic, condescending things he didn't say that kept me alive; all the compassion and warmth I felt from him that could not have been said; all the intelligence, competence, and time he put into it; and his granite belief that mine was a life worth living." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

"I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse." ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

Edited June 5, 2019 by kag101

[bhawananancy]

I suggest you buy a good quality mattress for your healthy sleep. Good sleep is very important for our health.

[kag101]

10 hours ago, bhawananancy said:

I suggest you buy a good quality mattress for your healthy sleep. Good sleep is very important for our health.

Thank you! Unfortunately I don't live in the US, but I will take action to return the crappy mattress I got. And I have found a supposedly good store here called AmericanFlex. It's a little bit expensive, but I think it's worth it. A good mattress is pivotal for living an awesome life. 

[kag101]

Day 14 [6-5-2019]  

Goddamn it! I had written a lot of cool stuff about Wednesday, but then my notebook died!

Nothing much happened this day. I argued with my mom. I yelled at some point. It's interesting to note that it didn't hurt my throat. It was a scream that came from down my core, and it was a authentic expression of anger. 

I am so grateful to have finally found the right medication. It was 11 years of struggle and battle. And I did it all alone. I don't know how I managed to achieve so many stuff in my life, despite being depressed. 

Sometimes I think, "Oh, I wish I had found this medication sooner. I wouldn't have struggled so much." But, deep down, being in war with myself for 12 years was a blessing. 

I feel like I will be a top-class psychologist. I have so much experience with being in shadow-land that I will not panic with seeing other people's trauma and suffering. 

I used to feel ashamed by some things that I did in the past, and I judged myself as being "insane/stupid" for doing those things. But today it all make sense. It was all part of my hero's journey. 

I still haven't slept very well. My nose is stuffed-up, my mattress is shitty, and there's a lot of noise from the construction site. Fml. But, seriously, this medication is giving me a great sleep. Very restful and repairing. 

[kag101]

Day 15 [6-6-2019]

>> I think I used rapé 8 or 9 times. Nothing exaggerated.

>>I had a meaningful conversation with my friend through the phone, in which I had a very cool insight on what non-violent communication really is. It's all about checking in with the other person. That is, asking yes-or-no question, and accept the answer. 

>> I am having some heartburn, but I know it comes from my junk food intake. 

Edited June 6, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Other Topics Not Related To My 30-Day Challenge (6-6-2019) 

 

Getting Blocked by Attractive Guys 

I got blocked by two very attractive guys today. Before today, I was being overly nice with them. As a result, they didn't give a fuck about me. Today, I went to the other pole: being a full-blown dickhead. And being a dickhead is an art. You have to know when to hit the pedal to the metal, when to retreat, and when to do nothing. I am learning this art.

I didn't get upset that they blocked me. They were 9/10 guys. But their personality was shitty. In reality, I was only losing my time with them. All I wanted was to have sex with them. It would be like eating a hamburger at McDonald's. It is apparently tasty, but you can fed out with it pretty soon, and it has almost no nutritional value. I rather jerk off than to have sex with merely attractive individuals. 

I am slowly changing from the paradigm of scarcity to abundance. I shouldn't care if two persons think I am an asshole. And being blocked by them was a blessing in disguise, because now there is room for new guys to come into my life, hehe.  

And btw - I am having stronger bonds with some other guys from Tinder. They are not as perfectly attractive, but to me they are much more interesting than any "perfect guy". I am not interested in perfection. I am interested in reality. 

 

 

The Death of Henrique Melges

This totally blew me away.

He was very introverted, he played the drums. I used to judge him as a "beta guy", but actually he was pretty easy-going and peaceful.

I remember one day at an Ayahuasca ceremony, I was observing him being shy about playing the acoustic guitar and singing. I was so aversed to my own shyness that I would get irritated and triggered when I saw any sign of shyness in other people.

But gradually I saw got to see what a chill dude he was.

He was a great uncle, very playful. And he was doing his thing in life. He had recently shaved his hair, because he was getting bald. And he also posted some funny memes about being single. For example, "When I am single, all I want to do is being single. And when I am dating, all I want to do is being single." Things like that. 

His death really made me reflect. I could have given him more attention. Instead of trying to be friends with the popular people on the ceremony, I could have talked with him instead. Not that I am feeling guilty about this. But it's just a fact. Life is short and precious to spend trying to have social status.

 

 

The Importance of Seeking Help!

However we always forget that life is short. That our time here is limited. As a consequence, we worry about stupid shit. We stop talking with people for stupid reasons. We get lost in our inner world. And we don't have the humility to ask for help. 

Depression KILLS. And, in fact, let me go a little further:  it is worse than cancer in my opinion, because depression is very silent, sneaky, and life-long. And the only way out of it is through professional help. And in most cases, medication is needed. The sooner you seek help, the better are your odds of recover! 

Seeking help takes a lot of courage and vulnerability. Why? Because depression multiplies the ego by order of magnitude, it can range from x10 to infinity.

So to take a moment and admit to yourself that:

Quote

"I need help. I am tired of living a shitty life. I deserve better things. And I won't get out of this by myself."

 

Psychiatrists & Psychologists

Finding good psychiatrists or psychologists is a pretty laborious thing, because most of them suck.

On top of that, accepting that one needs medication can be very emotionally hard. In my days of being a New Ager, I would judge medication as "evil". But, in reality, medication is just a tool. It's intrinsically neither positive, nor negative. It is neutral. Therefore, it all depends on how it is used. 

 

Clinical Depression Does NOT Disappear By Itself! 

One common mistake people make is to think clinical depression will disappear by itself. No, it won't. This is self-sabotage. Mental illness can momentarily not be present, but the only way to truly get well is through medication, combined with psychotherapy. Read my signature.

If you don't take action, next thing you know, you're not living life.

You're completely trapped in fear. 

 

Thanks for reading!

Feel free to write comments here, or to send me a PM. I don't bite  

Edited June 6, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 16 [6-7-2019]

On this day, I went to a psychologist that I went in 2016. It was interesting to talk with her after such a long period. She is a great psychologist. She doesn't talk much. She only makes a few precise interruptions.

For example, I was telling her about how I have been arguing with my family lately. And she told me arguing can be actually be a way to increase bond and intimacy. This is a very counter-intuitive thing.

Basically, the two parties need to agree beforehand that arguing is okay, and that it is a form to vent. And the trick is, when the arguing is done, we have to let it go, and then going on to living in the present. In other words, I may yell at my mom, and she may yell back at me. We both have some alone time. And then, we treat each other as if nothing happened. Obviously, there are exceptions... 

Day 17 [6-8-2019]

I had rinythus for the first time in my life, and I firmly believe it was psychosomatic. 

Yesterday, I told my psychologist my biggest fear in life. I will not say it what it is here, because it is personal.

But anyway, being able to say what I feared the most out-loud was a very liberating act. Seriously, it took me many years to get to that point where I could say what I feared the most. But it arguably a very emotionally difficult thing to do.

As a consequence, I got a very bad rinythus the next day, hehe. But I took meds and used some natural remedies. So I'm fine  

Day 18 [6-9-2019]

Today I went to a voluntary Christmas play meeting. I will do a play for needy children. Then, they will receive some presents.

The meeting was a pretty good experience. It is interesting how my social anxiety is not present anymore. Ever since I solved my biggest trauma in life, which was my parents' divorce, I feel much lighter and more at ease. I am no longer so rigid and perfectionist.  And the medication is also helping me not giving in to the dopamine present in the amigydala, which makes me aggressive and rude. I am more at peace. Finally... 

I texted earlier today the only person I ever fell in love with, lol. I was 15 at the time. I might see her later today, but I am not sure. Right now, I am pretty exhausted. I think I need to rest. 

[studentofthegame]

you are very honest and insightful.

it's a journey we're all on and I wish you luck.

[kag101]

20 hours ago, studentofthegame said:

you are very honest and insightful.

it's a journey we're all on and I wish you luck.

haha, thanks, man! this comment made my day  

 

[kag101]

Day 19 [6-10-2019] 

Monday

I think on this day I went in crazy I got blocked by many people, who treated me like shit through texting. That is, they were all people who wouldn't reply to me in a decent time, or worse yet would leave on read. 

On 09/06/2019 at 3:39 PM, kag101 said:

I texted earlier today the only person I ever fell in love with, lol. I was 15 at the time. I might see her later today, but I am not sure. Right now, I am pretty exhausted. I think I need to rest. 

I got tired of being ignored, and being the "nice guy". So I turned on asshole mode, and I was very incisive with her as to why they wouldn't text me back. Long story short, she blocked me. And you know what? I don' t give a damn. Lol.

I finally broke free from this egoic romantic illusion I had with her. Can I get an amen? 

Day 20 [6-11-2019]

Tuesday

I honestly don't remember what I did that day. My night dosage has been increased to 200 mg. I think I am more stable now with this dosage. It's not a HUGE one, but to me it is, as I have a very sensitive nervous system.  

Day 21 [6-12-2019] 

Wednesday 

My allergic rhinitus almost went away fully. I had lunch with a friend to discuss some business ideas.

I feel I am integrating all the theory I had read for 10-fucking-years. Only now that my depression is under control can I really apply the concepts I had learnt. 

I talked with my dad, and we had a very authentic conversation. I told him that I think he will experience the burnout syndrome sooner or later. 

I was feeling kind of depressed, but it was totally manageable and was triggered by lack of sleep. So I decided to take my nightly dosage sooner. I ended up falling asleep at 6 pm, and I woke up at 3:30 am. 

[kag101]

Day 22 [6-13-2019] 

This was a very interesting day. First of all, I went to my appointment with my psychologist at 11:15 am. It went pretty well, and the consultation lasted for 45 minutes, which was more than enough. 

I had lunch at a nearby place at a vegan restaurant. I could see how most of those people are deluded. They think they are healthier because they don't eat meat, and don't have sugar, and those kinds of things. But in reality, there's a thing called orthorexia. 

Afterwards, at about 1:00 pm, I texted a friend to see if she could hang out with me. And we went to a shopping mall, had a cappuccino, and had some good laughs. I bought a book called, "Depression Is Not Weakness" (Dr. Leandro Telles), and I also bought I small book called: "Me and my Depression (Now, a Peaceful Co-Existence)" (Daniel Burd). 

Then, I came back home, and I took a powerful 1-and-a-half hour nap. Seriously, ever since I started this medication, my sleep quality has gotten really good. 

It was about 7 pm when I woke up. Then I texted a friend, and we got together. We used Rapé; we saw some funny clips online; and we took some Tarot cards. It was really fun! 

Not to brag, but my spacious presence -- when it is available -- is very powerful in bringing peace to those around me. 

[kag101]

Day 23 [6-14-2019]

Friday

I have been pretty obsessed with my Facebook and Instagram pages. I want it to be perfect and to have it many likes, so I end up wasting a lot of energy and time into this. But I am trying to tell my brain that this is, by no means, my priority. I can live without social media. 

Day 24 [6-15-2019]

Saturday 

This day was pretty strange and somewhat depressive. I think I have understand the New Age term "Deep Rest" [which, phonetically, is the same as dep/ressed].

I needed to rest. Not in a passive and complete way. That is, depression does not mean I have to lay down all day and do nothing but binge on Netflix and on junk food. No. It means doing the minimum, but still doing something. 

Two days ago, I smoked cannabis for the first time in 8 months. It was very pleasurable, but I have a tendency to get psychologically addicted to it. Throughout the day, I had a strong craving for cannabis. I wanted to go buy it no matter what. But then, a wave of awareness made me see that I am the one who should be in control over pot, and not the other way around. So I used Rapé a few times more to make the craving go away. 

I slept at 2 pm and woke up at 6 pm. Even though it was only 4 hours, it felt like 9 hours. I didn't sleep that well, because I had an annoying headache. 

Then, during the evening, a strong wave of depression bubbled up. I think this was partly a "hangover" from Valentine's Day (in Brazil, it is on June 12th). I hate this stupid need society implants into our web of beliefs that we "have to be with someone" and that "we have to go out" otherwise our lives are worth nothing. 

This depression was making me feel extremely bored, empty, and lonely. 

At about 8 or 9 pm, I took my nightly dose of my medication. And at about 10 or 11 pm, I was asleep. I slept for 10 hours.

Day 25 [6-16-2019]

Sunday

I woke up today at 8:00 am. My mattress is pretty old and worn out. But it is better than sleeping on a too firm mattress. I still had a "hangover" from yesterday's depression and FOMO.

But then, I started doing my stuff. I built momentum. Right now it's 11 am, and I have already gone to the market, made breakfast for my mom, cleaned the backyard, tidied up my room, and fed my dog and cat. 

[kag101]

There are only 5 days left of this challenge, which was originally to make sure I am taking my medication correctly, and that I am not abusing Rapé (which I am not). 

I am thinking about what will I do after the 30 days are over. I think I will not post anything more on this journal. I want to do another 30 day challenge, but this time focused on keeping track of my weight. I am slightly overweight, and I need to lose 15 pounds. But anyway, I still haven't decided what I will do.  

I don't like the term "to lose weight", I prefer "to make my body go back to its natural shape". 

Thanks for reading!  

[kag101]

Day 26 [6-17-2019]

Rapé

Using too much Rapé is not even something I worry about. I think I have learned how to use it properly and responsibly. I have been using it mainly for its physical benefits, namely opening up my nostrils (it helps heal a stuffed up nose) and I also use it to go to the bathroom. I used to be really into its mental benefits, that is, feeling concentrated and in the here and now. But since I started this medication, I don't really feel the need to self-medicate in this sense. Maybe I am not getting the anchoring effect, because I need to buy different types. 

Sleep

I have been sleeping a lot, and not that well. My 10-year-old mattress needs to retire, because it is giving me shoulder and neck tension. I never thought about how hard it is to find the right mattress. I need to find one ASAP, preferably by the end of this week. That is, until this journal and challenge are done, I need to have buy it my new mattress. Hopefully... 

Anger

I felt pretty angry, grumpy today, but it was a different type of bad mood. Like, I knew I was in a bad mood and that it would eventually pass (after sleeping for a few hours, for example). On the other hand, the bad mood caused by clinical depression is way different. It is as if the bad mood would last forever. Depression makes me believe there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But there always is. And to really come into the light medication is needed.

As Kay Redfield Jamison puts it, "Without science, there would be no such hope. No amount of love and affection can heal clinical depression. Even though love can make the suffering more tolerable, one is always beholden to medication that may or may not work, and may or may not have tolerable side effects."  

I argued with my sister today. My mom has got the flu, and I took care of her today. My sister works at an office, and she was giving me fucking orders, as if I was her employee. I don't need her to tell me what to do. So I paid blood for blood, so to say. If this had happened like 8 months ago, I would have gotten in a state of intense guilt. But now I see that I have to speak up; otherwise, the world will make me its slave. 

Random Stuff

> I walked with my small dog today. It was fun. I couldn't walk with my bigger dog, because he is too euphoric and anxious. 

> My Facebook page is growing. It has got about 500 likes. I feel I am ready to inspire people to become more conscious and truly loving. 

> I am reading two books. One on depression (written by a psychiatrist), and the other one on love (by Osho). Both are really good. And I find that I one complements the other. It's like a combination of western and eastern wisdom. 

> I was worried about my weight today. I began to panic about it. I was paranoid thinking that my medication was making me fat and swollen, but then I realized that, "Hey, I have been eating too much. Maybe that's the reason why I am overweight."

As I put it before, I want to write a journal of a 30-day challenge to keep track of my weight. I want to learn how to be skinny and healthy.

I know I can get fit overnight. This is a common mistake, that lead to a big backlash. For example, when I was 13, my weight was 82 kg. Then, in one month or two, I lost 10 kg (which is a lot). Long story short, when I was 15, my weight was 98 kg. Therefore, I lost 10 kgs, then not only did I go back to my original weight, but I also gained 16 fucking kilos. 

> I have realized that I want an easy and soft life. I don't want to go on crusades to change the world. I just want a happy, simple, and satisfying life.

I want to work with something I like, which it is easy and is impacting people. I know that hard work is highly overrated, so hopefully I will not fall into this trap of being a "hard worker".

> Ever since I started this new med, I have been more conscious and attentive. My memory has sharpened, and my thoughts are way clearer.

I am more attentive. It's as if I had ADHD my whole life, and didn't know it. 

 

Thanks for reading! =) 

Edited June 18, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 27 [6-18-2019]

Psychiatrist

Today I went to my psychiatrist after more or less 2 weeks. The consultation went relatively fine. I finally understood his approach. He is the Devil's advocate sort of thing. Psychiatrists use a lot of reason. But to me, that is a very shitty approach, because it can lead to an indirect gaslighting. Anyway, I want to keep going to him for more 2-3 months maximum. Then, I want to find a different one. But I don't want to take any harsh moves. 

My Shitty Bed!

My bed is a complete piece of shit. Sleeping on it is like being hugged by Satan. Seriously, it gives me A LOT of back pain. It's been very hard to find a good mattress at regular stores, so I decided to go to an orthopedist so that he can tell me exactly what mattress should I buy. I never realized how mattress are important. If you don't sleep well, your mental health will undoubtedly suck. 

Cannabis 

I bought some cannabis yesterday. I smoked at about 7 or 8 pm. I had such a bad back pain that the high was pretty unpleasant, but at least it showed me that I should take action to find the right mattress. 

Edited June 19, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 28 [6-19-2019] 

2 pm 

Today I also took smoked a bit of pot, but I have decided to establish a predetermined time to smoke. Otherwise, I end up smoking throughout the day, and that's no good. 

I had lunch with a good friend. He is the typical masculine alpha guy. He is very fun. And I have learned how to deal with these type of people. He is helping me embodying Masculinity. He is a very care-free type of person. But honestly, he is not someone I want to see on a regular basis. 

I slept on my sister's bed last night, so I don't have a lot pain. Her mattress is bad, but mine is fucking horrible. 

My mom accepted to change our mattress until I find a new one. She is a very sweet and understanding mom =) 

 

Edited June 21, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

Day 29 [6/20/2019]

I went to my psychologist yesterday. It was a very good session. I vented about my psychiatrist. He is overly dry. I have a consultation with him for next month (I think it is going to be on the 16th). I want this to be my last paid session with him. He offers extra consultations for free within a month. So, by August, I plan to take this insensitive and arrogan guy out of my life. 

I am finally feeling well. I am taking a relatively high dosage, but I need it. It is fucking working! This doctor himself should take some medication to calm down his anxiety. He has highly unrealistic expectations. And he is never satisfied with how much I have progressed. It's as if everytime I go there, I should be feeling better than the consultation before. Healing does not work like that. It is actually an unlinear thing. 

I finally feel I happy for being alive. I am not a zombie anymore. I am not just in auto-mode, dragging through life. I am actually enjoying this human incarnation. Yes, there are problems, but they are not as big as I used to think they are. A biochemical imbalance in the brain can fuck anyone up. You can be in heaven, but you think you're in hell. 

I have many ideas and my creativity is on the roof, but I constantly need to remind myself that I am still in treatment. I should not take harsh moves until the beginning of 2020. 

[kag101]

Day 30 [6/20/2019] - Challenge Completed!!!  

I DID IT!!! I FOUND THE HIDDEN TREASURE THE BUDDHA TALKED ABOUT! 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Summary

 

I feel healthy for the first time in about 15-16 fucking years. It was as if I was in "airplane mode" the whole time.

I could never be fully present, because I had an unresolved trauma that triggered recurrent depressive episodes throughout my  years and early adult years. 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Background

 

I have been into self-development for 11 years. Here's my "curriculum":

Quote

 

Yoga (Hatha, Kundalini, and Acroyoga), Tai Chi, insight meditation (including hardcore strong determination sittings), veganism, altenative therapy (such as NLP, hyponisis, and family constellation), theater, fasting, climbing, doing extreme comfort zone challenges, swimming, lucid dreaming, training dogs, reading books, going to expensive seminars and workshops etc. 

 

Omg, a lot of stuff, huh? 

I was so desperate... 

Anyway, all of these things were an attempt to heal. Never would I have thought of that the solution would be simply going to a fucking  psychiatrist. I thought they were "evil". But, truth to be told, most of them suck-balls.   

At some point in my life, between the ages of 17-21, I desperately sought Spiritual Enlightenment, and let me tell you:

If I what I have been feeling in this past month is not Enlightenment; then, I don't even want whatever that is. 

 

Quote

"To reach God, you have to learn how to be a human being."

(Alonso Del Río - Open Your Heart - Peruvian Shamanic Song)

 

PS: I will write a book called: "How I Got Enlightened Through Taking Anti-Psychotic Medication"
 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Results: 

 

This new medication (which I will not say the name for safety reasons) is doing me wonders. It is bringing me back to a healthy state of mind and body.

> I am sleeping much better. I now have a repairing night of sleep. 

> I am much more focused and concentrated.

> I do not feel overwhelming fear and sadness (the technical name is pathological).

> I am much more organized, but not in a neurotic way. It is something organic and natural.

> I am much more confident that I ever was, but again, in a healthy way. I do not think I am God or that I am flawless (this would characterize an maniac episode). 

> My social anxiety has vanished. 

> For the first time, after many attempts, I am doing psychotherapy and it is being very productive. 

So from now on, I do not tolerate people who bash on psychiatric medication.

If you want me to expand on any of these benefits, reply to this topic  

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Future

 

I still haven't decided whether I will keep posting here or not. I really like @Joseph Maynor's style of creating new journals with different titles and topics. I might experiment with that... 

But either way, my next 30-day challenge will be to Keep Track of My Weight. I plan to write down the "rules" of the challenge today or tomorrow. And I want to create a new journal by Monday June 24th, 2019. 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Final Considerations

 

Thank you, everyone, for reading this journal!

 

I will leave you guys with a bitter pill from Kay Redfield Jamison, one of the most respected authorities in Maniac-Depressive Disorder.

This is especially for whoever knows something is not right in the life, for whoever went through severe emotional trauma and now can't trust anyone, for feels like is not worth-living:

 

 

If you can relate to the description above, I suppose deep down you know you have some sort of disorder (depression, suicide ideation, social anxiety, bipolar, etc.).

At the same time, I also assume you might still be in denial. That was certainly my case for many years.

I thought that self-development, self-help, or meditation would "heal" me somehow. In reality, all of these things -- which I was quite obsessive about -- did more harm than good.  

But, anyway, thanks for reading about my story!

It was a pleasure to write about how I tamed my depression (at least for now ).

 

Remember: there is treatment and there is hope!

But, again, don't think you'll get out of this quagmire of suffering by yourself (that is, by watching YT videos, or reading some "spiritual books, or doing some crazy-ass meditation).

 

Btw - The fact that the last day of the challenge, and very likely of this journal, was in the Summer Solstice was a pretty neat synchronicity. 

 

May you all be well, healthy, and happy... and, why not, Spiritually Enlightened!  

Edited June 22, 2019 by kag101

[kag101]

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Step-By-Step How to Tame Your Depression

 

1) Medication

First of all, trust me, medication is not as bad as it seems. I used to be aversed to them. I was paranoid thinking that they would cause me bad side effects, that they would block my chakras, and so on. What truly blocks the chakras is not meds, but depression itself.  

>> The thing is, depression leaves 10 to 10000 times worse side effects than modern medication.

 

2) Psychotherapy

And, finally, after you and your doctor find the right medication for you, then the next step is to find a good psychologist, one that listens to you, do not judge you, and that do not interrupt you frequently.

>> But don't fool yourself: psychotherapy alone will not "unblacken your dark moods". 

 

 

3) A Support Group

That can be encouraging friends, group therapy, etc. 

>> But don't fool yourself: this will not "unblacken your dark moods". Other people can alleviate your suffering for a very short period of time. That's all.  

 

I repeat:

 

Medication is a must! 

 

PS: This guide is based on my personal experience. 

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.