How do you forgive yourself?

[Pharion]

I'm sure is true for many of you, I first learned about this around a year ago, and since then have made many strides in personal development, knowledge, spirituality, work on my life purpose and such. Yet, I still find that I don't live up to my potential. I still hold on to many of my fears, addictions, and ego-driven tendencies despite the retrogress and growth, and I have a lot of guilt and lower self esteem because of that. Knowing that I'm not striving for my potential as much as I could be, putting in the work, meditating every day, etc. is troubling. Now, I know the guilt is trying to motivate me to do better, but I think it's actually counter productive because it lowers my self esteem and belief in myself, which then causes me to retreat to more comfortable things and avoid the problem, which only serves to re create it. So, I'm just wondering i'm sure other people have felt the same way, where they feel shame about not reaching their potential, how do you deal with this and re-affirm that you love and forgive yourself, and then be able to move forward? I don't surface level answers like "You can't change the past" or "Everything is perfect already" I ask you to really sell me on this answer, and just knowing that other people have felt the same way would be nice, too. Peace and Love guys  sorry if I sound demanding or bossy haha

[JohnnyBravo]

You dont have a self-forgiveness issue, oh my Dear @Pharion you have an inner critic that has gone mad and not serving you to be the man you are meant to be.

From now on, for the rest of your adult life until you hit enlightenment, you are to do your best to talk gently, easily, kindly, compassionately and lovingly to yourself.

I have tried the Way of the Bully. The Way of the Petty Tyrant. The Way of the Harsh Boss with a black heart. It just doesnt work. And even if it did 'work ' there is a sad consequence to this; that consequence is that if you manage to bully yourself to a fictitious success you will pour that aggressive Chi onto other beings. Lets be clear, this is all an ego game.

He who speaks with the softest voice believes in his message.

He who shouts and tries to sell other people deep down lacks conviction.

The Thai Boxers have gentle soft voices. The Aikido Master flows smoothly.

So what am I really saying?

- sincerely acknowledge all the work you have already done 

- focus on the good. Ignore the bad

- did you realise every journey is unique? Leo says meditate an hour a day. But this wont work for everyone. It may not be your path.

- Guilt and shame are weapons of destruction. Know this. Study this. You cannot guilt yourself to change. Please know this. Guilt is a poison....it is the root of all evil. All evil resides in shame and guilt. The opposite of love is not hate, its shame. Go to any person who has lived enough and they will tell you shame is the Devil. So dont utilise guilt to whip yourself.

- You wish to become the man you were meant to be. You are already on that path. I see a man who is living their destiny.

- Find a meditation style that is FUN and dont comprimise on this. It will find you

[rNOW]

@Pharion When you say personal growth or spirituality work, you are actually working on 'unconditioning' yourself instead of conditioning new. You are letting go all that is not you, which you have collected over the years. Compare the years of conditioning with the one past year of 'unconditioning'. I believe it takes some time.

And more so, I think you are using the same format for the unconditioning process that the society and your family, school, workplace, etc. has used for conditioning, that is beating you up for not living up to your potential in a given time frame. That is fear or guilt based training. And you are right, it is counter productive. From whatever I'm learning, it seems to me, a lot of personal development or spirituality work is counter-intuitive. And we have to train ourselves to be open to that. Try a love-based training instead. Treat yourself as someone you are extremely fond of and willing to bet on no matter what. Like a two year old kid who is just learning new things and fails sometimes, colours outside the lines, sometimes, falls from the merry-go-round sometimes, topples face forward while simply walking. This isn't a case of failure of potential. It is the process of learning anything new. 

So you ask how do you forgive yourself? You don't need to, because you're not doing anything wrong. 

Also, I try to pick a topic to work on based on what I'm struggling with. So in this case, I might pick up learning and navigating through self-esteem and guilt. You could begin by checking out the book - the six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden - it has a lot of exercises at the end of each chapter. 

[Forestluv]

@Pharion To me, this sounds like deep immersion within the story. Strong attachments and identification story. I'm not saying this is bad or wrong. Ime, it is just off-balance. Personal development is great, yet when my mind gets too immersed into it all sorts of stress, confusion, frustration, seeking, disappointment, regret etc. can arise. I've found a balance between personal development and post-personal being to be most healthy for my mind-body.

For me, this brings the deeply conditioned sense of not being good enough. Ime, no amount of motivation or achievement will dissolve that sense. Achievement may provide temporary relief, yet it doesn't get to the root. I had to go to the source to work through it.

[zambize]

26 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

 Personal development is great, yet when my mind gets too immersed into it all sorts of stress, confusion, frustration, seeking, disappointment, regret etc. can arise.

I'm glad you brought that up, I see so many people making themselves unhappier on the path the happiness unfortunately