Thittato

My meditation journal

1,350 posts in this topic

1 hour Iyengar yoga class today and then I went home and meditated for 45 min afterwards. Pretty sweet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

60 min Hot Morning Flow yoga class today. A bit tired today, and some anxiety going on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

30 min meditaton today. Feels like all suffering is gone forever and from now on things will just be easy and chill. Probably not the case, but it is a nice feeling. I remember I was on an ayahuasca ceremony where the shaman said something along these lines:

«If you really love someone you’ll even give them the freedom to not love you back.» 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation this morning. I had a really deep therapeutic experience this weekend on saturday. First I was at one party, but I was really depressed because of this heartbrokenness that has been coming up again, so I didn’t really want to be there. Fortunately some of my self-development friends had a gathering somewhere else, so I went over to them instead. I ended up lying on the sofa getting therapeutic support from 2 women and 3 men sort of lying in the middle of them with my head in the lap of my one friend and my legs in the lap of another one. I sort of «confessed everything,» how hooked I’ve been on this woman that I can’t get, or almost get and who is always sending me mixed signals all over the place, how obsessed I’ve been with art, how lonely I feel deep down, how I’ve been pulling away from that group because I think they are boring (probably because they are not as restless as I am, but our connection is really deep when we are having sharings together and they always surprise me by how wise and warm they are getting). Basically it all boiled down to not feeling good enough so trying desperately to get some extra significance by succeeding with something, ie getting a hot babe or «becoming an artist» or something. I was really impressed by how skilled therapists they have become. They are all teaching mindfulness, or body-work, or something in that category. Feels like I’ve been able to connect much deeper with people again after this session, and that I’m less obsessed. It also feels like I’ve never been this totally honest about all the nasty stuff that my ego does. So I think I’ve manged to strip away some considerable layers of my ego and all this «not feeling good enough trying to over-compensate stuff» Really glad I’m out of that art-studio. It is not healthy for me. It just feeds directly into lots of self-obsession. But all in all it was a good therapeutic process that whole exhibition and everything. Just really glad to be back at my normal job more frequently and with my daily meditation/yoga practice again, and I’m really looking forward to penetrate even deeper layers of whatever needs to be penetrated to fullfill my potential for love, happiness, kindness and peace. So grateful for my self-development friends. Everybody should have friends like that, and fortunately people like that are all over the world in all kinds of yoga, meditation, and self-development scenes, and they are usually accessible for everybody wanting to connect on a deeper level. Only thing blocking connection is usually something inside of us - speaking of which when I experience this deep connection with people who are dedicated to this stuff, then it is usually much easier to connect with «normal people» as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amazing day at my job. Came home and meditated for 45 min, then some weight-lifting, and then I did 25 min yin-yoga. I think my primary purpose for some time now will be to really nail this social worker thing. I think I have some gifts when it comes to making people feel safe and accepted for who they are which are especially potent for helping people come back from psychosis. Today, a guy that felt totally misunderstood by the doctors got his warmth and smile back on his face simply by me giving him understanding and support for exactly how he felt. The smile and hand-shake he gave me when I left today was really heart-warming. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation now before work, and then I’m going to do 25 min yin-yoga when I come back home again. I was very inspired by the weight-lifting yesterday. I was lifting weights for one year, which ended approximately half a year before this yoga-kick started. Perhaps I can have a really cool exercise routine going with a combination of yoga and weight-lifting, and then have meditation as my primary daily practice. Weight-lifting really seem to add some fire to my being which I really appriciate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

10 sun salutations this morning. Bringing home all the stuff from my art-studio today, so now that chapter is over. I’m very inspired to focus more on my job again. In order to improve my performance I’m going to buy a journal-book and write a little summary after every shift, what worked, what didn’t worked, etc. Feeling ready to explore all the opportunities there. Perhaps if I really start to flow in my normal job my boss will notice and some new opportunities will open up. It is a really good field to bring in all the stuff I know about self-development. If I grow into the role I’m sure it will be much easier to translate everything I know into action.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

75 min Restorative Iyengar yoga class today. Nice way to cool down after an awesome work-week. I often work during weekends, but this weekend I’m off. Had an amazing day at work today as well. Even got praise from my boss. It is pretty obvious this focus will pay off. Been focusing like this on all my hobbies for so long to get into flow-states, but somehow it has been an escapism from where my career because I thought I had the wrong career, but now I’m really starting to surrender into it. I should at least stay here for a couple more years just to really nail this social worker thing before I might move on to something else. My experience has been so spread out on so many things that it is very important to get some depth with something now in order to experience some more sense of mastery regarding my daily life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today. Finished moving out of my art-studio today and returned the key, so that chapter is fully over. It will be interesting to think much more about how I can develop my social worker career. Like put all the self-development stuff I know into it and try to translate that stuff into skills in this field that can help other people. Every day I meet people in a very difficult situation. If I can only give them a little bit of human warmth and a feeling of safety I have succeeded. And if I can contribute a little bit with positivity and inspiration to my colleagues I have also succeeded. In many ways it is pretty easy. It only takes presence. One of my mentors once asked me who my favorite teachers were. After a little discussion we both arrived at the conclusion that it was those who had made me felt seen. So easy and yet so difficult. Most people it seems, including me in many periods of my life, doesn’t usually have this capacity to see other people deeply, because we have too much stress in our lives. But this is where meditation and spiritual practice comes in. One gets that extra little sense of warmth and glow that comes from being in touch with oneself.

I wrote about this already back in 2012 in my bachelor thesis about how social workers can become more emphatic with the use of mindfulness. Probably what I didn’t know back then was the depth of my own wounds and that I would also need psychotherapy. Seems like it would take me a really long time to actually translate this into action, except for some glimpses here and there, because I’ve always been so desperately searching for «something else.»

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today. Still thinking I should devote myself entirely to only one technique. Maybe I’ll land back into my meditation technique at some point soon, or maybe I still need to bounce back and forth between yoga and meditation for some more time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today. Good flow. Been having this journal for almost a year now. It has been pretty much all over the place. I still have this need to nail this down into a systematic exercise routine for the mind. Like a path and a program. Been fortunate enough that I actually have a meditation technique that I’ve been using for a long time, but I tend to go off on all sorts of tangents. I will explore if I’m able to get back into a more systematic approach towards meditation again. 45 min per day was actually what my teacher recommended me back in the days, and whenever I stick with that amazing things tend to happen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very successful day. I’ve been journaling a lot in my private journal about my job. The patient that I’ve been working with the 4 last shifts told me today «Thank you for genuinly caring so much about me.» The journaling really seems to increase my performance in my job. At some point I will make my own model for how I operate as a social worker and what has proven to work again and again. What really seems to work is to share a little bit about my own struggles (but not too much!) just to give my patient a little sense that they are not alone with the types of difficulties they go through. I try to make it a little bit more personal then probably most of my colleagues do. It really does wonders. I’ve seen it over and over. The other guy I was working with before this one told me after a meeting we had with both his psychiatrist, another psychiatrist in training and his psychologist that I was probably the only one in the room that had seen him. It is about building down the distance between professional and patient, but in a safe way where I don’t give my patient too much of my own shit for them to deal with, but just a little bit that has been processed before-hand, just to make them feel they are not alone and that there is actually a human being sitting there with them and not just some professional robot.

It is pretty awesome because I already have some stuff that works pretty well, so will be interesting to see what will happen when I can systemize this and turn it into «conscious competance» and not just improvised accidental stuff.

Todays meditation really made me turbo-charged with presence the whole day. I feel I’m in the process of really stripping things down to my core and the most simple truths in my life. What are they? Well, I’m a social worker, so I better just do the best that I can in that occupation and find ways to be inspired and up-to-date, and I’m a longterm vipassana meditation practitioner with enlightenment as my primary goal in life.

Edited by Thittato

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today as well. Holy schmokes. I had all sorts of excuses for not doing it, sleeping late, even listening to a 30 min guided meditation by my meditation teacher while lying in bed. Then suddenly I did it. Got to build down this resistance. This is to be expected. This is totally to be expected. When something is really good for me I find a way to sabotage myself. Fortunately it didn’t happen today, but the procrastionation was still really harsh. I will find a way to overcome this resistance.

Anyways, now I feel awesome because I actually did it. But the self-esteem would have been higher if I didn’t resist for 7-8 hours before I managed to sit down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yoga and then meditation is a dream combo. I started doing yoga 3 months ago, and i always come home and just meditate or listen to Ekkart tole or Mooji and i'm making incredible progress. Keep it up

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Yoga and then meditation is a dream combo. I started doing yoga 3 months ago, and i always come home and just meditate or listen to Ekkart tole or Mooji and i'm making incredible progress. Keep it up

Totally ❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min sit this morning. Been having the feeling today that everything is over. My friends are all starting to get established, or have been established a long time, and the other people I used to hang with has left town or are really busy with something. Was out meeting a friend yesterday. He has the same feeling. Our scene is gone. I used to think about this as «golden ages.» Some kind of social period where it is all coming together and a lot of like-minded people are attracted towards each other and lots of cool stuff is going on. Now it all seems gone. Probably getting my art-studio was my last attempt to make something like that happen again, but the energy in it wasn’t right. I used to jump back and forth between a big group of art-people and a big group of meditation-people, but now it hardly seems like there is any around anymore. 

Been wondering if my attempts to instigate periods like this comes from my fear of being alone. I identify very heavily with belonging to a cool group of people, and I sort of panic when it feels like that is gone.

So anyways, just trying to surrender into it. It is probably not that black and white, some people are still around, we just don’t see each other as often as we used to. It is probably good for me to face this fear anyways, and maybe it is good for me just spending more time alone, to meditate and to focus on my job.

Feels like my job is the only place I belong these days. Like the only way I can get away from my own suffering is by helping other people with their suffering. It is my most happy moments, when I can make someone feel seen and validated. Might sound unhealthy but I don’t think it is. I think there is a lot of a shared sense of love and respect in the relationship between a social worker and the ones he is helping when the relationship is successful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today. Had some beautiful stillness going on while at the same time there was a lot of pleasurable energy flow going on in my body. Tried to massage this stillness into my whole being, and had the energy cooled down just a little bit my mind would have landed completely into stillness, but it was bopping around softly just a little bit over this landing-point, but still very comfortable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

45 min meditation today. I feel grounded in a sense of chill and pleasant ordinariness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now