Thittato

My meditation journal

176 posts in this topic

Festival afterglow

Did a 20 min youtube yogaprogram before I went to work. Then after work I went and did a one hour beach yoga class, and after that class I was so on fire that I went to a 90 min Heated Dharma yoga class. So much resistance was gone and it felt like I was almost flying through these classes. Only thing I have to be careful about now is that I shouldn’t get too manic about this. My energy feels a little too manic and restless, so I’m going to focus on bringing myself down again.

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Only did 20 min yoga this morning, because I’m trying to hold back a little bit so that I don’t get burned out. But felt really good to do at least a solid 20 min program. Been feeling really soft in my body this whole day.

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30 min sitting meditation today. Very nice energy-flow in my body, and my mind was getting really still. I love it when I go beyond that «manic buzz» that I often get into. Perhaps that is why I feel inclined to do so much yoga these days because often when I meditate I get a lot of energy going, but this energy often turns into some kind of «manic buzz» so I’m taken out of presence again because of that, but I think yoga can help me deal with this imbalance so that hopefully it will help me go deeper with my meditation. 

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30 min meditation this morning. Dealing with various frustrations, and my mind didn’t quite settle down. It was more hovering around. Felt like a failed meditation until I wrote this and felt that this is also a state that I can embrace.

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20 min meditation this morning. It was really nice and I regretted not having more time to it before going to work.

I have a new orderliness and cleanliness project going as my appartment keeps degenerating into chaos again and again, which is kind of strange since I really enjoy taking care of my home when I’m in the groove with it, but somehow I’m not able to maintain it. Now my place is clean again, and this time I’m determined to keep it this way. I could sense a new attitude coming this time as I was putting my place back together because it was much less an «all or nothing project» but more something that is always on-going. Perhaps I’ve had some unwillingness to admit that I can’t just put it back together and expect it to stay that way by itself.

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30 min meditation this morning. First I went to the ocean and took a swim. Also yesterday later in the evening I did a one hour vinyasa flow with a buddy, and then we went and took a swim in the ocean. Jumped out of bed this morning, and then did some laundry and dusting before swimming and meditation. I totally think that is the clue to maintaining my home - I have to see it as an on-going project that never ends where I have to do a little bit of work every day. Feels extremly much better to have it orderly and clean like this. Now I can go to work later this evening without worrying about my clothes not being fresh and clean. Damn, what a mess my life has been. There must have been some denial in all this that fortunately I can no longer maintain. That is another thing I’m grooving on about meditation these days - how it fosters an attitude of being really honest with oneself. Must have been a lot of denial in my mind, and there probably still is, that I’m really keen on exposing.

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30 min sit this morning. Felt sad and vulnerable, but it felt good to just be with this.

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Also went to a 75 min Hot Power Yoga + Yin class after work. It was really really sweet. I love those heated classes. Half the class was power yoga and the other half was yin. Perfect combination.

Tomorrow I’m having a day off, so I’m going to start the day with a 90 min Restorative Yoga class, and then I’m going home to work on my newest drawing-project. Seems like orderliness and cleanliness is really working out well. I’ve found the spot in my mind that has been giving me the wrong permission to space out from what needs to be done, so now I’m no longer lying to myself about this part of my life - instead I break the orderliness and cleaning routines down into manageble micro-steps that are not really painful at all to both plan and execute - but actually quite fun.

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90 min Restorative Yoga class. These classes are simply brilliant. Was a little bit fed up after that yoga-festival, but now I’m getting the enthusiasm back. I was also quite fed up with my own tendency to get so totally identified with my projects, ie. with this yoga thing going totally up in the identity of it. I think that I will at least buy another one month pass when this one runs out. I’m probably very close to having this as an integrated part of my life that doesn’t have to be such a big deal anymore. The whole process sort of becomes automatic when joining a yoga-studio. No need to struggle alone. Only thing I have to do is to show up. And then a compassionate and friendly teacher will guide me through an awesome session together with a lot of group-support from the other students.

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90 min Iyengar yoga class today. What I noticed today is that I don’t feel awkward in class anymore. Besides that I started skateboarding on longboard yesterday, so it was pretty cool to cruise to the yoga-class, and then afterwards I cruised over to a pub to play Chess with a friend, and then back home.  Never done skateboarding before, but I do snowboard, so longboarding seems like a really awesome way to transport myself around here in town. For one thing it is more fun and quicker than walking, and when winter and snowboarding season comes I think it will be pretty cool to see what doing some kind of board also in summertime will do to my snowboarding. Been really starting to feel lately that wow, 3,5 year in intensive therapy is actually over and that it probably gave me the desired effect. For one thing it seems like I start to attract much more healthier friends than all those stoners I grew up with and that I had a lot of unhealthy co-dependence shit going on with. Basically I just have a huge kick on lots of activities and I’m starting to notice that straight people are not as boring anymore as I used to think they were. I’m even connecting much better with all the mainstream people at my job. So yeah, I will definitivly buy another one month pass at this yoga-studio when this one is done, because it is simply just awesome. I think this is exactly what will change me from someone who has for a very long time felt «half baked» on the spiritual path into someone who is actually cooked all the way through.

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20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube. It felt more like a flow today than before, and I’m also much more connected with my breath through-out the practice.

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20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube today as well. Just a lot of gratitude today. And I love the discipline of this. Discipline is what I need more of in my life. Especially since I have so many interests that keeps pulling me in all kinds of directions.

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20 min vinyasa flow guided from youtube today as well. I’m a little heartbroken because I got rejected by my crush. I think she was chasing me for quite a while, but I didn’t catch on before it was too late. So she ghosted me when I was actually starting to get interested, whereas up until this point she was the one initiating contact. I haven’t had much contact with women lately because I’ve been going through so much stuff, but now I think my positive and out-going vibe is starting to come back since I’m finished with this very demanding therapeutic process, and all this yoga is really boosting my sense of flow, so probably it is just good to get rejected just to get used to that again so that I don’t take it so personally. Anyways, I’m going to the bath-house to try to sweat it out in the sauna and to increase my sense of masculinity in the cold-baths. It is funny - I meet a lot of people who are inspired by Wim Hoff when I’m there.

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Today my meditation was done singing mantras together with a group of 30-40 people for 1,5 hour. Was feeling a lot of resistance at first, but felt like my attitude towards resistance has gotten more grown up, so I quickly just surrendered into it (even though it continued for quite a while). Much better to just be with the resistance instead of freaking out.

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45 min sitting meditation today. This has been one of those days where everything has felt wrong. Meditation offered a little bit of relief, but not much. Probably feeling rejected has triggered this. At the very least I’m glad there is little need to elaborate. Before I would have been going on and on endlessly, but now I can simply conclude it has been one «one of those days.»

Edited by Thittato

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75 min Restorative Yoga today. Feels like I’m starting to get used to this romantic potential not being a potential anymore. I went to beach yoga with her a couple of times this summer. She was inviting me, and seemed to chase me. I was resisting getting into anything with her (for some stupid reason I don’t know why) but suddenly I had a crush on her despite resisting, and then I just knew that the power balance between us had shifted and that she would no longer be currious about my anymore. Probably also because I didn’t act when there was an opening for it. Anyways I’m pretty sure this is why I got that one month pass for these three yoga studios and also why I went to that yogafestival. I just knew intuitively that I still have this reactive shit in my body still, and that I have to work it out my body through yoga. I fall so madly and quickly in love when it first happens, and at the same time I resist it so badly as well, so it is really hard to develop natural chemistry with anyone because of this ON / OFF pattern. But anyways, it seemed to go easier on me this time than before, so I think it was just a good opportunity to trigger out some of the last grief and not feeling good enough around this stuff out of my body. I feel much lighter already. Now I can go back and enjoy my yoga practice again, relax, and wait for whatever romantic opportunity presents itself next time.

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