Balancing High Agreableness with Assertiveness (HEXACO/BIG 5 personality assessment)

[Dan Arnautu]

"Persons with very high scores on the Agreeableness scale forgive the wrongs that they suffered, are lenient in judging others, are willing to compromise and cooperate with others, and can easily control their temper. Conversely, persons with very low scores on this scale hold grudges against those who have harmed them, are rather critical of others' shortcomings, are stubborn in defending their point of view, and feel anger readily in response to mistreatment." -  Official HEXACO Website

My current challenge is balancing agreableness with assertiveness.

I tend to be very accomodating, wait a lot more than I should before setting boundaries, have trouble finding what those are in some cases  and I avoid conflict at all costs, even when it may be constructive. 

It's ok to have high agreableness but there is a very high chance of being taken advantage of or make the mistake that most people also think like you, when the total opposite may be true. 

Many times, high agreableness can also slip into 'Nice Guy Syndrome'. 

Do you have any insights on this? Anything that would help balance my personality and be more forceful and assertice when needed (and figure out what those situations are)? 

Thanks. 

Note: My agreableness score is 98 out of 100.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Krisena]

• Maybe practice saying "no" to people you trust, and then expand from there.
• As a really disagreeable person, maybe I could recommend you to take some time to speculate on all the possible dishonest motives someone could have for acting the way they do.
• Maybe you could spend time with disagreeable people and let some of their attitude rub off on you.
• Maybe set a schedule for a day and tell yourself to stick to it no matter what. No waiting for others.

Though I'm disagreeable, I've had a lot of difficulty setting boundaries with people and expressing anger. Practice it on people you trust (warn them beforehand). When you get to express that aggression, it can feel really good.

Also, and this can rub a lot of people the wrong way, when you get angry at people from time to time, they respect you more, because you remind them that you value yourself and that you have the means to protect yourself. To be a bit sensationalist: they love you more if you abuse them a little.

The real question though is what you do with your life when you are high in openness and low in industriousness.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Krisena

[Dan Arnautu]

@Krisena Thank you for the tips.

I lived for a year with a guy that was the total opposite of me on the personality spectrum, and some attitudes did rub off  but he was too on the other extreme for me to want to emulate any of his behaviors. He seemed to take assertive behavior a bit overboard. He was very low in agreeableness and very low on honesty-humility, and high in psychopathy, machiavellians and narcissism.

He commanded respect, but in a manipulative and superficial way it seemed to me.

I reflected a bit on the situation and figured a few ways I could improve:

• Practice saying exactly what's on my mind for the sake of long term peace instead of short term conciliation.
  • I should tell the truth even if it's nasty, because if what I'm saying is right, it shouldn't impact me negatively, and even if it does, it's better than not saying anything or saying something that complies with their attitude or opinion.
• Learn a martial art.
  • A lot of times, I am not saying what's on my mind or establishing boundaries because the guys I am trying to establish them to are intimidating, fit, aggressive and short-tempered. I am afraid of physical harm and that makes me shut up when they disrespect me, which is not good either. If I did not fear physical harm, I would be able to say exactly where my boundaries lie, even to intimidating people.
• Do assertiveness training
  • Finish "The Assertiveness Workbook", "The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem" and maybe Jordan Peterson's "Self-Authoring Program".
• Figure out exactly what my vision is and what my goals are
  • When I am guided by these, it's much easier to establish boundaries compared to when I have a vague resentment about how someone treated me. I can figure out exactly what bothered me because I will see how a certain kind of behavior causes friction with my goals and vision.

Would love to hear what you guys think.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I like a lot of things Maurice Nicoll said in his Psychological Commentaries On The Teaching of Gurdjieff and Ouspensky.

One of which was:

"We have a right not to be negative."

It meant for me that I don't have to take something in a negative way. Even something considered very unpleasant.

It also means I can communicate unpleasant things and not be emotionally negative.

[Dan Arnautu]

@Zigzag Idiot Awesome insight. Thank you.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Dan Arnautu Staying present and holding your ground, with an undertone of being willing to fight/have an altercation usually works for me. 

Even just a piercing stare through someone's BS while staying present is enough to be assertive in a lot of cases. 

[lmfao]

@Dan Arnautu According to understandmyself.com , I'm 1st percentile agreeableness when I took it over half a year ago. This might be inaccurate, I'm not really sure. I think I'm below average in agreeableness for sure though. I just took the test from the site you referenced, my agreeableness score is  2.5 ( which judging by eye on the scale they give since they don't tell you an exact number) would make me 25th percentile agreeableness. I've definitely changed a bit since I took the test half a year ago, plus the test half a year ago was somewhat inaccurate.

I'm not really sure what I can say to you, since I think my low agreeableness arises from the fact that one of my parents is a manipulative person (although the manipulation isnt directed at me)  and so it is that I have a tendency to just look for signs of bullshit in other people. Another thing to realise is that your high agreeableness might partially be a function of anxiety; you might be excessively nice not because you're being authentic but because you're afraid of the consequences of not being extra nice. If you see something being done inefficiently around you, don't be afraid of saying it. People should have a thick enough skin for you to criticise what they do without them thinking you're criticising them as a person, provided you're nice and polite about it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dan Arnautu]

@lmfao Awesome. Thanks.

Well, from what I've researched, 50% of your personality is hereditary, and the other 50% depends on your environment. So having a manipulative parent might indicate pretty accurately why your personality is the way it is.

[Dan Arnautu]

@Sahil Pandit That's what I usually do too.