There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen.

[Shin]

Couldn't get up until 13:00, too much pain to process until then, so I let myself do that.

Missed two classes, but fortunately I met a good potential friend two days ago that already cares (as a friend I hope) quite a lot, I like her, she's quite funny and seems like a good caring and open-hearted person.

I don't think I will get a new relationship that soon, I have to get a rock solid, consistent daily routine first.
I need to get from 30/1 hours a meditation a day to 2, and add a 1 hour self-inquiry.
Adding 30 more minutes of reading would be nice too, but that isn't a priority.

I noticed a hint of jealousy when a female friend got approached today, even though I don't even want that girl, but fortunately I was conscious enough of that and let it pass, even later told her (genuinely) that I was happy for her.
I also noticed that sometimes I internally fake my confidence, especially when I'm tired and feel weak, as if always looking confident was important.

I still feel arrogant and insensitive at times.
Arrogant because I assume I'm better and well informed than most people, even if it was true (which I can't know and is probably not true in most cases) it doesn't matter because those are signs of identification.
Insensitive, because I tend to speak too fast before analyzing how my words and ideas could impact other people (example: Saying that one of the reason I'm doing sport, is because I don't want to get fat, while forgetting that a fat person was just besides me).

Even though I would like to tackles those more in depth, I have to tackle my manipulation issue in priority, because you never know what is on the corner, and if I fall madly in love, I doubt I would be able to say no to that, not now, I'm too inconscious and I don't have the resolve to stay single if that happens.
I don't want to hurt anyone like I did, if I lose or have to break the relationship for other reasons, fine, but hurting someone like this cannot happen again.

The main goal is still to awaken to serves the whole, and if something really threatens this, by making me too inconscious, it should be cut off of my life as soon as possible.
The remaining distractions are Movies and TV Shows, potentially friends (even though going out once every (two) weeks is acceptable imo).
Even college if I go to the extreme, because I already know deep down that I won't be a traditional psychologist, if a psychologist at all.
I'll deal with that later, the priority is to get the daily routine done and get so used to it that it feels natural.

I still don't feel the need to take psychedelics, I should comtemplate if it's because I'm secretly afraid, or if it is because I genuinely don't have the will for it.
Even if it turns out that it's a genuine lack of will, I should probably still eat some mushrooms and 5-meo to at least get to some extreme mindfuck once for each.

 

Things I did today:

• Studying for two hours with a friend
• Doing the "I am honest" affirmations
• 45 minutes of meditation
• Working out for 30 minutes
• Swimming for 1 hour

Things I didn't do today:

Reading for 30 minutes

 

Edited November 16, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

The written expression exam was funny.
The subject was to describe the Following of a description, which 

was about the old planet of the apes.
The guy was basically shocked to see an ape wearing clothes after arriving on the planet.
I made the protagonist really fearful to the point of madness, then made a joke about how he trained so hard for years to finally get killed by an ape wearing an Indiana Jones costume  

 

I feel already better, after having let go so much in 2 days, like literally let it all go and surrendering to what is.
It's funny because the mind wants to think it will never go, that it will ever be in pain, and the natural instinct that it tries to pull off is to forget about the pain to store if for future use.
As if the pain was there only to strenghten the illusion, and it needs to have a fresh stock of it, otherwise there is nothing to complain about, nothing to distract yourself with.

After entering the train station to get to my parents for the weekend, I felt something I usually come across nowadays.
It's a joy that is very subtle and hard to describe, which could be loosely translated as:

"Everything is alright, trust me".

Not trust me as in a person is speaking though, it's more a "feeling", and even speaking about feeling isn't quite right too (yeah I know ).

 

The self-inquiry was interesting.
When I concentrated really hard, I had a sense of being contained in a holographic (figure of speech) humanoid body.
It is as if all the perceptions were merging to make me think I actually inhabit those perceptions into one unified logical perception.

All the perceptions actually exist, but the feeling of an entity Inside of it is only an another perception, an invisible perception created by the misconception of the feeling of ownership of the other perceptions.

You can look at it like this, it is pretty much like that:

 

All the perceptions come and goes, and you actually create an illusive center out of them.
If we carefully examine each perception, they don't ave any meaning in themselves.
Meanings are created when the illusive triangle thinks it owns the black markings.

 

An another thing that I noticed more clearly tonight, is that I don't actually have substance.
There are perceptions, but they are couched in an empty field, which paradoxically is alive.
It is exactly like in a dream, the body exist, but it isn't physical at all.

The body is merged with the rest of your perceptions, except there is a strong pull to make you think it isn't, because you only feel the body.
If you really think this through though, everything is just a perception, and feeling the body is not so much different than seeing the door of your room.

It only feels more intimate because you have an underlying assumption that you can't be something you don't experience directly.

 

 

What I did today:

1. 1h45 of meditation
2. Affirmations about being honest
3. 40 minutes of self-inquiry
4. 30 minutes of workout
5. 45 minutes of reading

 

Edited November 16, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Yesterday was a really chill day.

Just took the car and drive for about 30 minutes, stopped in a pet store.
I used to do that a lot when I lived at my parents, now there isn't that kind of store where I live, no animals are being sold there.

Just observing how animals of the same species interact with each other is refreshing, you can literally sense they unconditionally love each other.
Even if there is a fight, it is settled directly and the energy is released instantly, there is no place for any kind of negative emotions there.

Before I got out of the store, I had something I didn't had in a while to such a degree.
I was looking at an alley, the one where there are toys for dogs.

Every objects in that alley, and everything else that I could perceive of was alive.
Not alive as a sentient or moving object, but they all had the quality of consciousness in them.
It happened again most of the evening, there was a subtle sense of intimacy there on top of it.

This really can't be explained, because nothing changes in the domain of perceptions, and even your emotions doesn't change either.
You just become conscious of something that is already here, has always been here, but that you weren't aware of.
So it doesn't matter how the explanation you read is precise, it will never be the same as direct experience.

This wasn't random, I intentionally set up the day to not have any distractions, even eating while being fully conscious (which I never do).
I will continue to limit internet usage and answering through my phone, checking it once per hour is enough for now.

 

What I did:

2 hours of meditation
1 hour of reading
5 minutes affirmations of being honest
 

What I didn't do:

Working out (resting day)
No self-inquiry

[Shin]

I'm starting to be uninterested to do almost anything except sitting and being.
It's not that doing anything else is boring, I can actually enjoy it if I want, but there is just no point to do those activities anymore.
I was wondering just a few weeks ago when I'll finally have the will to get this to the next step and actually do some real work for several hours a day, then just like everything else it just happens after a certain point of time, by itself.

Not that it was easy to get there, but it's not me who make the final decision to change something for good.
It's more like at some point the will to appear by itself, and I just notice it and embrace it.

From now on I don't know what will I actually do with all this free time.
Meditate for more than 2 hours a day seems overkill, even though doing that as a challenge might be interesting.
I was more thinking about just sitting and being, probably doing some self-inquiry too.

Now all that being said, I have no idea what I will do anyway, because like I said it doesn't feel like I'm really in control, even though it feels like it from a surface level.
I just know from that point on, that I will use most of my free time to discover what I am, or simply be what I am without knowing it, simply because I can't do something else.

 

When I did self-inquiry today, I realized something interesting again.
I can't be conscious of a part of my body without having a mental image of it.
As subtle as it is, I can't feel my body without having a 3rd person image of it, even if it's very blurry or almost indiscernible without paying close attention.

It is as if I can't feel the raw sensation without some identification.
I remember very vividly in some dreams that I could feel the raw perceptions without any identification, which resulted in no mental image too.

It doesn't even make sense anyway, why would I need to have a mental image of a perception, can't I just feel the perception and knowing what it is without a mental projection ?

 

 

Another thing I noticed, is that my attention is always either on the body or the mind.
It really feels like it's forced, as if somehow I was only, and on purpose, experiencing this body/mind and nothing else.
Like I am blocked in this body/mind, and it doesn't feel quite right, something is amiss.

The last insight I had, and this one seems very simplistic and straightforward, but it really isn't.
The insight is that you have to be, be so fully there that you become aware of what you always have been.
That seems like a really stupid insight to read, but in practice when you have it it changes how you do everything.

There is no race or need to go anywhere, no pressure to meditate or self-inquiry enough, not even a need for it.
But this is when it gets paradoxical, it's that you know that all those things aren't really necessary, but they are interesting to do nonetheless.

When you've done your hours at work, when you've socialize a bit with your friends, did your healthy habits of the day, there is nothing else to do anyway, except just to sit and be there, being alive and feeling it, not trying to.
There is no need to try to be, you already are  

 

 

 

What I did:

• 5 minutes affirmations of being honest
• 1h30 of meditation
• 30 minutes of self-inquiry
• 30 minutes of reading
• 1h45 of taking notes of the last video of Leo our lord and savior
• 20 minutes of work out

Edited November 18, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

This night I tried to awaken in a lucid dream.
I knew I was this entity called "Shin" In "real life" dreaming this other "Shin" in a parallel universe.

I cried I lot, because I was seeing that everything was just a projection of my mind, none of it was what I thought "real" meant.
I said try, because being lucid in a dream can't be the same exact thing, since when you're lucid you can definitely still be identified with the mind, and it's just being lucid in that particular part of the whole, not the whole in itself.

It is a good exercice nonetheless, because you still have a huge shift in your awareness on that level.

 

 

I noticed the weeks I meditate a lot, I have an enhanced ability to appreciate being conscious of simple things, and simply being there without doing anything in particular.
This is more satisfying than anything else, it's the "state" you want to get by trying to achieve everything you do really.
Might as well have it by default and never have to chase anything 

 

The evening was quite funny, I had enormous resistance to meditate more and to self-inquire, and I think it's because all day I was too close to some kind of breakthrough.
So I distracted myself with Daredevil season 3, which I don't even enjoy that much watching, but hey, gotta do something, ANYTHING, otherwise you will discover something important 
I even had the beginning of a heart attack when I meditate at that time, as a warning to not continue further 

 

 

 

 

What I did:

20 minutes of work out
40 minutes of meditation
5 minutes of affirmations of being honest
30 minutes of reading
 

What I didn't do:

Self-inquiry

Edited November 20, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

The distractions continues, today it was about sleeping until 11AM.
I'm not sure if it's a good distraction, cause it let me practice being aware in pretty cool dreams  

Nonetheless it was still a distraction, but I have no shame or annoyance about it, it again felt like I had no control.
At one point I just decided to get up, out of the blue with no real reasons or particular will about it, it just happenened.

 

I noticed a drop in interest to be on the forum, there is nothing that It can teach or help me about waking up now.
I know already all the concepts, and they are more of a burden than anything else currently, I need direct experiences.
Being on the forum or answering to people on the phone makes me think too much/makes me stay in duality, and right now I have no interest in that, I just want to be.

 

The self-inquiry was quite interesting today, realized some things experientially that was only concepts before, and still are on some deep levels, but at least there is substantial progress:

SDS meditation is fun, pain is not what we think at all, it is just a perception like anything else, it is neither good or bad.
That's another thing that is worth having a deep experience about it, and not just as a concept.

It already started to changes how I experience life, for example, cold is way easier to handle.
You can literally just feel the cold without any negative aspect of it, you just notice it's there, and it has no effect on you.
On the surface level you might feel annoyed by it, but internally it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything if you surrender to it.

 

What I did: 

• 30 minutes of reading
• 20 minutes of work out
• 50 minutes of meditation
• 5 minutes affirmation of being honest
• 2 hours of taking notes on leo last video
• 45 minutes of self-inquiry

 

 

 

Edited November 20, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Nothing particular to say about this day, just woke up and doing some sport,
Then studied for college and doing the usual stuff at night.

 

What I did : 

• 40 minutes of meditations
• 20 minutes of work out
• 5 minutes of affirmations of being honest
• Woke up 45 minutes earlier
• 4 hours of study (for college)
   
• 1h30 to make this thread
• + 30 minutes of comtemplation while doing it
   
• 30 minutes of reading

 

What I didn't do:

Classical Self-inquiry

 

 

[Shin]

Today I realized I needed to know some things in the future.

One is I want to be able to save someone in danger, so I'll need a first-aid certificate, or learning what the certificate teaches for free somewhere else.
Linked to that, I want to know how to protect myself and other people, so I'm interested to learn Krav-Maga.

I realized this when I saw someone falling down at the end of a classe in college, I had no idea what to do except calling the emergency assistance.
If that would have happened somewhere where I couldn't use my phone that person would have been dead.
This person could have died either way, depending on what kind of problem she had, but if I had first-aid skill, at least all the chance would have been on this person sides.

Knowing how to protect people with Krav-Maga is about the same thing, just in different contexts.

 

The dream I had this night was kind of interesting, because it touched a subject I rarely thought about.
I had a boyfriend in this dream, and I was a male.
In the same dream I had a girlfriend just before, and it was the same person.
Not the same person in the same reality though, it was just the same person with a different gender in a different dream (within a dream ).

I had no problem or shame at all with it, as well as when I woke up.
Now I never have any romantic attraction to a guy, nor that I ever been sexuality attracted to them as well, but you never know  
It was so beautiful that I would 100% surrender to it if I ever have resistance to it in "real life".

 

In the afternoon I had a class that teaches us various miscellaneous skills.
This time it was about how to search for relevant scientific studies, and we get to watch this video …
Even if you aren't friends, you can guess what it is about, it is SUPER funny

I laughed my ass off for the entire video, so much that I cried  

 

 

We also did exercices on rationality and perceptions.
It is amazing how much deception there is.

I plan to study this on the side, there are books from David Kahnemann about it.
I don't know which or if it's the best kind of books that you can buy about this though.

 

 

What I did: 

• 20 minutes of work out
• 50 minutes of meditation
• 5 minutes of affirmations of being honest
• 30 minutes of reading

What I didn't:

Self inquiry

 

 

Edited November 23, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

My old demons almost got me tonight.
I heard about a game that was release that I was waiting for more than a year, 3 months ago when I quit this addiction for good.
I was very close to buy it, prior to that I played for 30 minutes a game that was very similar.

It may look stupid from an external viewpoint, but for me it has always been my biggest addiction (from age 3), and not just a soft one, a hard addiction, like I couldn't do (almost) anything else just 1 year ago.

It distracted me so much my whole life, to the point it obscured all my inner issues and desires.
Whatever addiction it is always the same, but the hard one you can't come back to them, it is way too risky.

I directly put in perspective the time I could play versus the time I could study and improve myself, and this allowed me to not go overboard.

There is too much at stake to fall off again, too much untaped potential to waste all this precious time on something that doesn't serve my purpose.
I have so many things I need to do to make it right, so many things to learn to put all the pieces of the puzzle in order.
There is no more time to lose doing things that doesn't help me achieving my goal.

I can see how this dream could become a reality if I give all I got
I know it can and WILL happen if I don't give in and face all the discomfort.
There is too many challenges ahead that will be way harder than those I had
Every seconds I lose distracting myself is a wasted opportunity to become strong enough to face them

When I think about it in the morning
When I picture it in my mind
How amazing and beautiful it would be
I can't stop crying

You know this feeling
When you know you're destined to something
And life test you every step of the way
Just to see if you really REALLY want it

Well I do
And I will never stop
Even if it takes 70 years
It doesn't matter anymore

I WILL DO IT !!!

 

 

What I did:

1 hour of meditation
30 minutes of reading
5 minutes affirmations about being honest

What I didn't:

Self-inquiry
Work out

 

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Shin

[now is forever]

presento, hai:

don’t listen to the devil cat - really good advice...

[Shin]

It's in english too ??????

 

 

[Shin]

I should start to walk again after every meal like I used to months ago.
It will ease the digestion, and it's also one of the thing I like to do the most but aren't doing (for some reason ).

I need to study dopamine, I want to see what kind of hobbies I could have with the lowest dopamine gain, so I would continue to work as hard as possible on what I'm supposed to, but at the same time having some fun.
I noticed that it's not good for my productivity to always work or doing consciousness work, it actually makes me want to slack more.

Also I need to think of buying the "Multi Orgasmic man" and the book about Rationality exercices for David Kahnemann.

Self-inquiry was again interesting today, I focused on what is in control.
Watching my fingers moves and wondering what is in control of them is what I did.

After a certain point, I couldn't tell if I was moving them or not, I was just aware that they were moving and that's it.
At the end of the session, when I was petting my dog, I was watching the hand moving all by itself (for a few seconds then I stopped suddenly).

I wondered about the sense of doership, and realized that everytime I feel like I'm doing something, it is always AFTER I thought about it.
If I don't focus on something, and my body or mind actually does it, I can't say I was doing it because I wasn't putting any focus on it, so how could I did it ?
There is some things I think I do and some other things I don't, but how could this be the case, shouldn't I always feel like I'm doing it (or not) ?

 

 

 

 

What I did: 

40 minutes reading "The Righteous Mind"
90 minutes of meditation
40 minutes of Self-Inquiry
5 minutes of affirmations of being honest
20 minutes of work out

 

 

 

[Shin]

The Ox video kicked in me the desire to go all in.
I already knew it was bound to happen, and on some level I already said it was the case.
There is a difference though, because before this I always thought that even with the most dedicaded will and practices, there would still be a high % of chance to not make it.

In this video Leo quoted the Master which said there is 100% chance of it happening as long as you do not give up and be consistent.
Whether the master actually said that is irrelevant, what matters is the inner voice Inside telling me it is true, I can't fail.

I thought the scariest thing was to dedicate all your life to something while never be sure to actually do it.
What is actually scary is to know that it will 100% happen, but this is actually an exciting fear.
Or is it the other way around ?  

 

 

 

Prior to Watch the Ox video I watched this one, at 23:26.

When Spira says that everything is just experience, that the sounds of the dog barking was Inside him.
That every sensations happens Inside us (not in the brain/mind).

Heard that a million times, but this time it clicked, because I still can't stop inquiring on every perceptions right now.

I also just randomly do inquiries I have no idea what they are about, like hearing a constant sound somewhere and turning in circle to feel where the sound actually comes from …

 

 

 

Body

30 minutes walk after lunch/Missed the other walk at dinner
20 minutes of work out
Need to make the appointment with a doctor

Mind

80 minutes of taking notes of Leo Video
30 minutes of reading "The Kriya Secrets Revealed (J.C. Stevens)
Need to buy a new book, Kriya Secrets will be mostly exercices now

Soul

50 minutes of Meditation (20 minutes of it half assed though)
35 minutes of Self-Inquiry
5 minutes of affirmations of "I am honest"
 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

Monday

 

Around 22 yesterday night I head my neighboor cried.
At first I had all the good answers in the world for not trying to cheer her up like "I don't know her", "I barely talked to her" "it's too late".
I just let the mind let it think what it wants and go for it, I had too much pain hearing her sobbing like that all alone.

We talked for 4 hours, it was really funny and somewhat deep at different times.
For almost 2 hours she tested me by being EXTREMELY teaseful, like I've never been that much tested from anyone before

She tried to hit me on every levels possible while I returned every punch on herself, so much that she was on the brink of madness sometimes.
She just couldn't find an opening, not even once, it made her so frustrated it was so funny  

This was a true test and a deep way to see the interaction between the masculine and the feminine, there couldn't be more to it except being physically intimate (which I don't want to with anyone right now anyway).

That was the funny part where the tension has been released, the serious part I won't talk so much, it's quite personal, but let's just say that I apparently have a good potential to help people like this

 

For brief moments I was able to be "no one" while talking to her, and I perceived her the same way I perceived my girlfriend of 2 years ago.
I think it was Samadhis in both case, except in this case it happened multiple times.

In a weird way nothing changes at all, but the thing that is "there" becomes so much more beautiful, and in a way changes
I can't really explain how, it's not communicable I think, but it looks like the person has some kind of "aura" which is not something that you can see per say.
It's something that is beyond perceptions, time stops, and I wouldn't say only love remain (I wouldn't even be able to say I don't know what that is lol) but something close to intimacy, but not in a romantic/relationship way.

If that's how you see the whole world when you awaken, nothing else could compare, nothing else can matter more than this,
It's like being alive for the first time in your life.

 

Body

20 minutes work out
>>>No walk<<<

Mind 

33 minutes reading "The Kriya Secrets Revealed" from JC Stevens.

Soul

5 minutes affirmations of being honest
40 minutes of meditation
4 hours supporting my neighboor
>>>No self-inquiry<<<

 

 

 

 

[Shin]

Tuesday

 

My heart is becoming quite scary nowadays.
Everytime I'm alone for some time and am a little bit tired, it starts to feel weigthy.
That would be kind of nice if it was just that, but I feel like it can explode at any moment, my mind is quite scared that something extremely painful will happen, or that I will die.

I don't know if it's health related, or a defense mechanism of the ego to not go further, I'll have to check with a doctor (that I need to see anyway).

 

Aside that, this afternoon I got a deep sense of "dream state" while being at the library.
It felt like being watched from behind, looking at everything happening, including me, and everything was totally free and made at the same stuff at its core.
The funny thing are they are still subtle glimpses, even though the realization are deep, I don't even know how that is possible  
In the evening I got again some light samadhis while having fun with some friends, and I even got some glimpses of no-self while eating there.

 

 

Body

20 minutes work out
One walk after lunch (not at dinner)

Mind 

25 minutes of reading (this and this), bought Being Aware Of Being Aware from Ruper Spira, but wanted to buy the one on Leo's List (No idea how I bought an another book ).

Soul

40 minutes of meditation
>>>No sitted self-inquiry<<<
5 minutes of affirmations of being honest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 28, 2018 by Shin

[Charlotte]

On 28/11/2018 at 8:10 AM, Shin said:

I feel like it can explode at any moment, my mind is quite scared that something extremely painful will happen, or that I will die.

Like the artery in your brain 

[Shin]

5 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Like the artery in your brain 

[Charlotte]

@Shin

[Shin]

Wednesday

 

The mind tries sometimes to push me to distract myself.
Especially with flashes of playing Pokemon, but I know how this will end already.

It's only 30 minutes as a way to have some fun !

• Why not playing as much as I want, I already done everything I was supposed to do today
• Why not play a game I really want to play, and not just an old game because I do not want to pay anything (emulator)
• But yes, paying is too much I can't allow that, so I'd rather play Gwent (addictive f2P card game)
• But Artifact looks better, but oh wait I need to pay 250$ to have the full collection every 3 months, but hey it's my only hobbie so it's fine

lol no, I know all the tricks, I'll just do nothing until I either become crazy or become interested in another healthy and non-addictive hobby comes along.

 

I can see now that all that ever happened in my life was about to raise my consciousness and to learn to let go.
So there is nothing to regret, and nothing to cling to (since the present suffering is actually helping).
Nothing to cling to, because if you carefully look back, and make all the connections, you realize that all the suffering and struggles was necessary to come to this point.
So everytime I suffered in the last year I always wondered what the suffering is trying to teach me, what should I do (or not) next, and of course once that is cognized letting go is way easier.

 

 

Body

• 20 minutes of work out
• <<<One walk (not long)>>>

Mind
45 minutes of reading and comtemplating the Trinfinity Academys Enlightenment Course

Soul

• 1h of meditation
• 40 minutes of self-inquiry
• 45 minutes of reading and comtemplating the Trinfinity Academys Enlightenment Course
• 3 hours of taking notes and comtemplating the Ox video
• 5 minutes of affirmations of being honest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 29, 2018 by Shin

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

@Shin

Start a journal ?