What am I?

[tsuki]

When I am talking about chakras and kundalini, I refer to the substance of emotions.
Kundalini can be usually experienced with inner movements of the body that are flavored by the mind.
Flavors of these movements are what we call emotions. Emotions are distinct from raw energy/kundalini through ego.
Egoic interference shows itself by conflating these movements with "external" events.
This is when the illusion of control takes hold and we project current circumstances towards future or from the past.

Chakras are energetic centers around which kundalini can be focused.
There are 7 such centers and they are spread across the spine from the base to the top of the head.
Energy can be focused willingly and their experience can be recognized when emotions arise spontaneously:

• Muladhara is located between the genitals and the anus . It s the 'DO' energy. When hijacked by the ego, it manifests as anger.
  When the body is energized for action, this energy is used to justify the mind's subversive attitude.
• Svadhisthana is located between the tailbone and the navel. It is satisfaction. When hijacked by the ego, it manifests as fear.
  Projection through time and space makes us conflate this feeling with objects or people. It makes us dependent and defensive.
• Manipura is located in the solar plexus. Its energy is FLOW. When hijacked by the ego, it manifests as doubt, directionlessness.
  Prior to awakening, this is the prime driving force of the mind. The greatest component of time. Post awakening, flow feels thick as jelly.
• Anahata is located in the heart. It's energy is softness, vulnerability. When hijacked by the ego, it manifests as infatuation, or hurt.
  The feeling of this energy is overwhelming, like when you cry. It tightens the chest, radiates towards the throat and disrupts breathing. It is very easy for me to confuse this energy and project it towards people or situations.
• Vishuddha is located in the throat. Its energy is silence, clarity. When hijacked by the ego, it manifests as chatter.
• Ajna is located on the forehead. Its energy is vision. When hijacked by the ego, it becomes imagination.
  The loop between Vishuddha, Manipura and Ajna is the driving force of the Ego in intellectuals.
• Sahasrara is located at the top of the head. Its energy is oneness. When hijacked by the Ego, it becomes separation.

Edited April 5, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

@mandyjw OH MY GOD THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
The watery "I love you guys" at the end was powerful.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki That was all you. I love you for that. 

The stars didn't show up but they were beautiful. I still can't find the moon. 

Edited April 5, 2019 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

3 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki That was all you. I love you for that. 

There is no me, sweetheart.

 

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Your energy is slow, interrupted and very powerful. 

 

Flow baby flow. Let it go. 

[mandyjw]

@tsuki  Am I giving birth to something? Is that why you only had fun in the moment and went back to feeling the same way? 

[mandyjw]

Sorry honey, might be making things too steamy again. 

[tsuki]

9 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Is that why you only had fun in the moment and went back to feeling the same way? 

I don't feel the same way as before. Don't burden yourself by claiming that you (or I) caused this experience.
My energy runs amok from all the identity that I released in the process, that's why I need space.
I need the dust to settle until I can dance with you again effortlessly.

[mandyjw]

1 minute ago, tsuki said:

I don't feel the same way as before. Don't burden yourself by claiming that you (or I) caused this experience.
My energy runs amok from all the identity that I released in the process, that's why I need space.
I need the dust to settle until I can dance with you again effortlessly.

Sigh.

Men.

Thought you'd at least stay for breakfast. 

I still want to see you again though. 

I just let Rocky out but he tangled his leash up so I had to go outside to get him. It was the cold but the birds are singing beautifully. Rocky stumbles when he walks because he's carrying the weight of the world. 

[mandyjw]

That was for you. 

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

From my experience, ego takes hold of reality through two mechanics of thought:

1. Time / not now
2. Space / not here

These two dimensions are subject to projection. Projection is based on preference.
A sensation that arises is judged and reaction is formed.

1. Projection through time creates past/future.
2. Projection through space creates this/that. 

Projections through time create reactive thoughts that explore imaginary scenarios.
Past scenarios are called memory. Future scenarios are called possibility.

Sensations that occur are deemed positive/negative and are enjoyed/resisted.
Enjoyment of sensations creates desire. Resistance creates suffering.
Desire and suffering are imaginary. They are a loop between past and future in avoidance of the present moment.

Projections through space create finite entities that are deemed to exist.
Imaginary scenarios are comprised of such entities and their relationships.

[tsuki]

 

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Hey Tsuki, I have some homework for you. Go find a piece of paper and some paints, crayons, colored pencils, whatever. Pretend you're three years old again and just let yourself go. Then show me what you got. 

[tsuki]

I watched Ex machina yesterday. That movie riled me right up given my recent fascination with the feminine .

On 19.03.2019 at 7:58 PM, tsuki said:

Having children is something that intrigues me. There are many benefits to them, practically speaking, but I'm hesitant to indulge in this pleasure out of egotistic reasons. Are there any other reasons though? I want to create the world, that's how grandiose my ego is, and I suppose that children are very potent vessel for that purpose. On the other hand - how do I not succumb to the temptation of molding them into a shape that simply pleases me? Obedient, sweet children are great children, but they make terrible adults. After all, people that crave power are the ones that should stay away from it, and what is less vulnerable than a blank slate?

I'm afraid of getting drunk on power.

The ego is the ultimate shapeshifter.
The sense of separate self can be dealt with by constructing a shell and defending it, but it can also be left wide open, vulnerable.
Being conscious of this dynamic, watching it play it out is difficult. Can there even be any greater difference between a sadist and a masochist?
The only sense of stability I have is grounded in the present moment and emptiness. Returning to it is difficult because I feel guilty. That's a no-no. Don't do that tsuki.

Edited April 7, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Children have been one of my biggest horcruxes. I admitted a month or two ago that I wished I hadn't had kids. It was a big fat regret. I knew I loved the little beings and that everything should be perfect because it already is but... How do you do that? How do you regret bringing people into the world when you did it purposefully and now don't want them? How do you possibly make peace with that?

Then the empowered/surrendered wife book showed up. I started looking at art on the internet again. Started making time to do things I thought were fun even if I had judged them as low level pleasures and tried to go beyond needing them. It's different when you go back to them and choose them this time. 

I'm still learning to love my three year old and my video game addicted autistic 6 year old. When someone else shows unbounded love and trust towards us and we have spent out whole life limiting ourself, it scares us. 

This is a gift from my husband. He didn't want me to go down and share it. I do what he asks, but I can tell when it's not actually him who is asking and I need to serve a greater power. 

 

Edited April 7, 2019 by mandyjw

[now is forever]

@mandyjw i think this is happening to a lot of women and men, we think about the what if and then the mind starts imagining all the good stuff we never will be able to eat. and yes, a family is a limiting choice - but inside of these limits you can expand the space.

my mom calls these movies heart cinema - but they don’t fulfill the dreams about romance we have, they are like porn just soothing our adiction for a while and then we come back to our life’s and expect even more instead of working on what’s right under our nose.

we want to feel that don’t we? we want to be that, so badly! all this stocked up romance inside our heart.

and they lived happily ever after...

Edited April 7, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

10 minutes ago, now is forever said:

my mom calls these movies heart cinema - but they don’t fulfill the dreams about romance we have, they are like porn just soothing our adiction for a while and then we come back to our life’s and expect even more instead of working on what’s right under our nose.

Send my regards to your mother. She is a very wise woman.

41 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Hey Tsuki, I have some homework for you. Go find a piece of paper and some paints, crayons, colored pencils, whatever. Pretend you're three years old again and just let yourself go. Then show me what you got. 

That sounds exactly like what I need. The symbols I read in that movie were so polarized that I feel violated.

Edited April 7, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki no my mom just calls them like that and watches the badest kind, but that’s her survival strategy - she’s really cute when she is happy about the worst kind of it. i’d throw up ? but she’s another generation and she’s over 70 so i love her for hanging on.

[mandyjw]

@now is forever Do you listen to Abraham Hicks? She really taught me that the magic is in just enjoying the feeling, enjoying the thing and then not having to take it as a yardstick to compare to how things "are". That's really just being in the present moment. The vortex is the feeling when you're watching the movie and you are the characters, you're lost in it. Just like the analogy I gave Tsuki at the start of this. Finish the movie and then keep that state of love and lightheartedness as you move back into your own. I'm realizing now that my creative flow state was the vortex. I just wasn't able to hold it or spend that much time there. So it's true, it's already you, you already have what you seek. 

I always used to try to make myself work all day, fill the kiln full of stuff. My mind would get so foggy and I'd feel tired and cranky. If I could go out for a run everything got set back and I'd be in the flow state much more often. I really believe that my running was key to my success in my work. Other workouts worked almost as well but they didn't clear my mind like running because I was still trying so hard to do the right things. I just recently was able to do yoga intuitively. Running replaced what yoga is for most people I guess.

Find the things that put you in that state and capitalize on them. Ignore the things that are not wanted that come out of others states.