What am I?

[tsuki]

 

[now is forever]

who used the belt then? i know that it was or is a miss belief in a lot of cultures that a slap here and there is good for education. i grew up in a family where slapping was banned. my mom made it clear to my dad that she would leave him if he would ever dare. i had some wrestling with him though when i grew up initiated by myself, it was not equal but equally aggressive. once my grandma slaped me, i slapped her back. the aggression/abuse in my family is a psychological one though. but every form of violence is.

in a sense my mom subscribed to be the psychological punching bag, the buffer for all aggressions and i learned that i wanted to protect her the same as she protected me - being a shield for a shield.

that’s how i ruined my school life.

Edited March 1, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Here's another one that came up after I was moved when posting the previous one:

It was late evening. We were after a (verbal) fight. I wanted to get back at my parents.
They were sitting by the table in the living room, I went to the kitchen and took a long knife.
I went back the the corridor and stood with my side facing towards them.

I called them and when they turned towards me I pretended to stick the knife through my chest.
Of course, it went under my armpit like in a cartoon. My mother disarmed me very quickly.
I remember that she cried.

This one was particularly difficult to share/shed because I had a lot of shame associated with it.
I was a young teenager at the time. Probably 10-13.
What's strange is that I actually thought for a very long time that I was blessed with a very good childhood.
I think that during the first memory (with the rotary swing), the thing that was born was my ability to power through emotions by disowning them.

Edited March 1, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki so you externalized emotions or where you just watching them or suppressing them? what does it mean to disown emotions?

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

Today I went to see my parents to chat and drink some coffee like every week.
I used to have a cat, but my wife is allergic to them and they are his keeper since our wedding. They also have a female cat and they don't really get along too well. He's unsure of his position and tries to dominate the other cat by periodically hunting her. They aren't exactly fighting full-force, just a pat or two with him leaving with his nose scratched. This repeats every day, 3-4 times.

Of course, my mother defends the female cat, having no sympathy for the male. That's because she's just a poor little female that's scared. That doesn't stop her however from scaring the male when he's sneaking to hunt her, or even throwing a slipper at him. Isn't he just a poor little male that's scared of a new place and a cat that bullied him when he was little? They have a reverse history of her hunting him and guess what? Strangely enough - my mother didn't mind that in the past. He's always been a laughingstock for her for not being able to stand up for himself. Now on the other hand, he's being ridiculed for not learning the lesson that he's going to lose every fight.

It doesn't convince her when I'm saying that she's just perpetuating the victim-oppressor cycle by scaring him and hugging her.
They have to set their hierarchy straight by themselves, or she has to change the environment so that both cats feel safe.

I can't help but project the family dynamic that was going on between me and my sister.
Thankfully, I came to my senses and she seems to have forgiven me.

[now is forever]

@tsuki how does the picture your mom has about men fit with your grandpa and dads behavior? i‘m not saying that your mom is not wrong in projecting that onto you, but can you see how that dynamic ever happened - or is it more something she learned from you granny or from society?

i know that it can be a problem when women are scapegoating men in general - but this aggression is often derived from seeing the male as the aggressor and transferring the aggression towards a general oversensitivit in regards to men.

Edited March 3, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever You know, I'm flattered by your presence and attention, but I can clearly see the you are trying to defend my mother.
There is no oppressor here. These memories are not personal and I do not bear resentment towards my mother. She is not evil, but hurt.

I do not know the exact circumstances of her suffering, but I know that her brother used to bully her and she was always at odds with her male peers since early childhood. Her father was a high ranking officer of MO, probably lowkey alcoholic, and I heard that there was violence between him and his wife. I'm not sure of severity of it though. I also know that a catholic priest attempted to molest my mother.

I'm not surprised at all that she ended up in the police herself, chasing sexual offenders. She had quite a career.

Hmm, I'm starting to feel a little bit disgusted by how banal this become.
It feels like a low budget polish reality-like movie of drunkards, abusers and sex. I'm sure that I don't know 99% of the story, so it's not like I'm condoning or condemning anybody. Life simply happens to people and expecting them to understand it is too much in most cases. This is why I don't treat it personally.

Chaos is not random. It's just structured beyond our comprehension and it's precisely what's terrifying.

[tsuki]

This is how my mind feels like today:

 

[now is forever]

@tsuki i don’t try to defend your mother  nor am i trying to defend the belt. if you once made up your mind the belt and the hand thats holding the hand are no difference but seing who holds the belt makes a difference, seeing it is not about you, the belt it is about the hand that speaks to you. it is about what the hand learned to be a tool through another hand, to show love, to point towards a direction. and understanding how to forgive because it’s just that the hand didn’t know better. but you do, your hand can learn to know better.

it has nothing to do only with your country but of course it also has - as the belt my grandfather held to my father has something to do with my country, this grandfather was in the party later on, well not very actively except for his contacts he probably had, but you know what that means for a german, in that sense he was a little bit more of a watcher than a watcher, ideologically.

so the belt itself stands for something. and the hand itself stands for something - both are about spontaneous self control. and it’s about holding weapons/no weapons in general.

(i practically don’t wear belts anymore)

so why does it show us something about ourselves if we interfere or not interfere?

Edited March 3, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever I've been to Germany recently on a business trip and what struck me the most are your graffiti.
When a polish hooligan writes something with a spray, it's probably his favorite sports club, or just plain old fuck police.
In Germany, you write fuck Nazis. (Actually, you're not even this rude - you write 'No Nazis').

It makes me think that you are so ashamed of your past that you can't even talk to each other about it. This is why it surfaces on your buildings when a tortured soul rebels against its conditioning with a spray can. If I could, I would hug the heart of Germany.

This is the worst thing about fighting in my experience. After we're done and we realize how pointless it all was - there is nobody to talk to because everyone is too busy licking their own wounds. We're just too short-sighted when we feel like we've been hurt.

Today I'm just chaos. I look at my body and I see the big bang. I look at my psyche and I see the Second World War.
I'm nowhere to be found. There is absolutely nothing about me that makes me special, except for this realization.

Given this opportunity, I came up with the characteristics of Chaos:

1. It obeys its own rules
2. The rules of chaos are incomprehensible

If Chaos had human mentality - calling it random would be an insult.
The closest thing that comes to understanding it is appreciation of its raw beauty that manifests as terror.

Edited March 4, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

It makes me think that you are so ashamed of your past that you can't even talk to each other about it. This is why it surfaces on your buildings when a tortured soul rebels against its conditioning with a spray can. If I could, I would hug the heart of Germany.

no unfortunately (in sense of effectiveness) we talk a lot about it, i mean a part of our society still does. but the problem is they don’t disappear, they still exist not only in all of our memory but they or their ideological children still exist, what means we are not allowed to fall asleep like everyone else does and that’s why it surfaces on the walls of our buildings. what is uncomfortable for the ego is that it has to remember the past to be a safeguard to the future because some humans are the lesser animals. there is not only collective ego there is also collective memory - so what is a little suffering compared to the suffering that could happen without it. unfortunately the watcher in all of us is mostly stronger than the rebell, there is not only the little nazi in us but also the little bourgeois, what is understandable but obviously doesn’t help against the world going mad again. one other problem is often the sticking to guilt instead of openly discussing what similarities happen right now everyday at multiple places on the world. of course it’s alarming, so do words on a wall or words on a screen or spoken words help anything about it? 

words don‘t surface on walls, they surface on souls.

Edited March 4, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

I got lost in the forum's wilderness again. I have to stick to this place.
I'm here to journal, not to mindlessly browse irrelevant questions.

Having a sharp mind is double edged sword. It helps as much as it hurts on the spiritual path.
I can easily get how people express enlightenment through theories, but these theories are mostly an obstacle to awakening.
The problem with enlightenment theories is that theories are used to train patterns of behavior and the point of enlightenment is the exact opposite.
They can be used constructively only in so far as they are treated as food for deconstruction so that they are seen for their underlying meaninglessness.

I suppose that this is how koans work.

 

EDIT: Why do I even use declarative sentences? Now I have the urge to deconstruct this theory of deconstructing.

Edited March 6, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I have a problem with communication.

Things are kept secret from me because I'm scary.
I'm scary when I get angry.
I get angry when I uncover secrets that concern me.

How do I cope with people that have less volatile personality than mine?
I get over stuff very quickly, but emotions keep coming back because they are stored in other people.
I don't want to get angry, what do I do? Does the problem lie in my aversion to anger?

Can I somehow transmute this anger into something else?
Letting it out changes nothing. It's like want to cry, but I can't be honest with myself and lash out instead.
I know that I've been hurt, so why can't I act appropriately? What is the appropriate action to being hurt?

What I would really like to do is to laugh when I'm hurt, but I can't do that. Why?

[now is forever]

@tsuki are you hurt right now?

[tsuki]

4 minutes ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki are you hurt right now?

No, I got over it. It was not a problem large enough to start a fight like that.
Now that I think about it, what happened was actually good - it is just the surprise factor that got me.

The problem is that I express red energy via verbal fighting. It dissipates it, but it is just stored 'in' other people.
I want to be able to transmute it internally, but these kinds of situations are too rare to fit within my attention span.
I should start a practice regarding that. 

[now is forever]

18 minutes ago, tsuki said:

No, I got over it. It was not a problem large enough to start a fight like that.
Now that I think about it, what happened was actually good - it is just the surprise factor that got me.

The problem is that I express red energy via verbal fighting. It dissipates it, but it is just stored 'in' other people.
I want to be able to transmute it internally, but these kinds of situations are too rare to fit within my attention span.
I should start a practice regarding that. 

it sounds like it, but we don’t live in a world without friction. if we construct a world without friction it won’t work, but of course channeling the energy differently is always a way... if you go into the mechanism deep and find a solution. on the other hand sometimes you can only fight aggression by showing your teath - if that’s a laughter or a growling. so it’s really important to see what is outfront aggression against you and what not - realizing who is other and who is me. ofcourse all is you but what of it is other and what does other handle with it? and what do you?

Edited March 6, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Hmm, how do I call this? A discussion? A fight? It took place yesterday evening and today morning.
I was getting accustomed to red energy and to get the feeling of it impartially and what struck me is that it feels like bliss.
Fucking bliss masquerading as anger. Why would I act this way in reaction to this feeling? It's sub-fucking-lime.
Why would I lash out? OH.

I want it to continue. I get high on it. I drown in it and lose lucidity.
What the fuck? Who designed this shit? I want this guy fired haha.

[tsuki]

I was wondering about wage slavery recently. I don't like being called a slave.
I also don't like the fact that I don't like to be called a slave, so I'll investigate that.

When is slavery okay? When isn't slavery okay?

[tsuki]

All of life is codependent. I literally eat another beings.
If I want food, I need to gather it myself, or have others to do it for me. Why would others give me food?
I pay for the food with money I get from my employer and I give it away when I buy things at a supermarket.
Money's worth is grounded in belief that I can exchange it for goods. I believe that others believe that as well.

Theoretically, I can learn to live off the land and grow my own food.
Practically, I would have to re-orient my whole life to achieve that feat.
I don't want that. It's wasteful towards my identity.

The structure of employment is fractal.
I am made of my organs and my workplace is made of me. I need resources and so does the company.
Money provides the abstraction for resources for the company and it is funneled down to me and my coworkers.
Money is a useful invention because it provides layers of abstraction. Thanks to it, the structure is self-organizing.
I am dependent on my employer, but my employer is dependent on his clients. My organs are dependent on me.
I jump his hoops and he jumps their hoops. It's a difference in scope.

I am dependent on my company, but the company is dependent on me. We exchange resources. I get money and it gets work done.
There is also a positive feedback loop because I get original challenges to overcome so that I can suffer and become wiser.
The company also benefits from my wisdom because people's job is to embody ideas and the flexibility of identity increases with wisdom.

What are the characteristics of a slave?

• The most defining one is the fact that it is being controlled by people that benefit off his work.
• The second important one is his inability to leave on his own accord.

Edited March 11, 2019 by tsuki