People Pleasing Advice

[Irina Irina]

People pleasing is really serious problem and it's literally distroying my life. I've always been like this, I also had some moments of clarity, in the last year, not many, but I felt I could live in another way, more authentic and happy and at peace with myself. Also, I could see better what is really going on. Not having this fog over my eyes.

What I found about this:

• No More Mr Nice Guy - describes this syndrome. internalized toxic shame creates depression. I think I've been depressed my whole life, without knowing it was depression
• Also, the Ego plays a major role in this disease
• Very low self esteem
• We are born totally dependend on others for fulfilling our needs. As, you grow you become independent. I've never felt independent emotionally.
• I am really easy to manipulate. I don't see it, but I feel it. I came to the conclusion after some experiences, that when something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
• I really cannot get myself out from situation, that I know are not good for me and go for what I really want. I feel powerless

Do you have any adivice, or knowledge about this? Please help.

[Kelley White]

2 hours ago, Irina Irina said:

People pleasing is really serious problem and it's literally destroying my life.

Hi @Irina Irina.  So I hear you have challenges with people pleasing and it is interfering with your daily life.  I can relate to this challenge as I imagine many here can.   Thank you for having the courage to share this and acknowledge it.    Recognition is huge.

Battling the same challenge I would say be gentle with yourself.  Self actualization in my direct experience involves baby steps towards a desired outcome and its not always linear process.  Some days I do better than others, some days I do better with certain facets than others.   Are you progressing in the direction you wish to be going? 

What do you think the root fear is underlying people pleasing?  http://www.labyrinthhealing.com/blog/what-makes-a-people-pleaser

2 hours ago, Irina Irina said:

I am really easy to manipulate. I don't see it, but I feel it. I came to the conclusion after some experiences, that when something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

I can relate to this one too.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got out of decades of therapy besides its not a linear process?  Avoid Impulsive.  Now that I know I can be naive I tend to try to be more analytic and methodical before I leap and balance that with over analysis paralysis.    I'm still working on  finding the balance.

2 hours ago, Irina Irina said:

Do you have any advice, or knowledge about this? Please help.

Over all I suggest mediating, bringing more into your mindful awareness and making small changes.  Slowly changes can become habits which are pleasing to yourself?   While doing so might find others find you pleasing because you are happier and acting from a more authentic and less stressed space more often?    Be patient with yourself?  What are some ideas you can think of that might help you with people pleasing? 

[Irina Irina]

@Kelley White

 I m watching this.. and the root problem for me  I think is Trying to please an unpleasable parent. Actually both of my parents. No matter how good I was, my success and acomplishments wasn't t acknowledged. And I did good in school, I have been number one at my final exams in school and highschool. But no matter how good I was, it could always be something more out there, it wasn't enough. I was a puppet for my parents egos I think.  And I got the feeling that "Man, whatever I do, it's never good enough" why try anymore? And I kinda fell down, I went to university , I was somewhere in the middle with my grades, cause I didn t see the point at being top. I knew how was there, and it wasn't worth it. 

So I kinda fear success right now, and dwell in mediocrity. Cause I know as soon as I get a little success my parents hunger for more will be there. I don't want to feel that anymore.

[Irina Irina]

I'm 24 right now. I know they expect me to marry and have children eventually. Even though they don't say it right now, I will feel the pressure in the near future. And I know they will see me as a failure if I don't.

But do I want to get married and have kids? I don't know. Maybe I don't want. Maybe I want. I don't knowwwwww...I don't. Would I bring a child into the world, when I cannot take care of myself? When I'm not put together? Would I want a child to be miserable the way I was my whole life? Never.

I used to think when I was a child, that I would grow up and have a guy and be happy. But I see that it doesn't works like this. And I'm starting to question what do I really want in life? Not my parents. But me, what do I want? What is right for me?

[Kelley White]

Hi @Irina Irina

On 3/25/2016 at 1:39 PM, Irina Irina said:

I'm starting to question what do I really want in life? Not my parents. But me, what do I want? What is right for me?

How does it feel to get to this place for you? 

[Nathalie]

On 24.3.2016 at 9:39 PM, Irina Irina said:

Maybe I don't want. Maybe I want. I don't knowwwwww...I don't

Just in case you need one more opinion..:

I think as long as you have to ask yourself this way and you feel uncertain.. you actually don't want..

You will percieve the right moment when it comes..

Not as an impulse (like you would buy new shoes) but with your whole body and mind

If you have the choice, don't do it before this happens and enjoy your life as it is, there are surely good moments you can appreciate right now..

[Natasha]

Leo's presentation on the foundational mindsets to put a permanent end to people-pleasing:

http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-stop-caring-what-people-think-of-you

[Guest]

The only one you should be pleasing is God.  

[Kelley White]

@Natasha,  I liked the people pleasing video you are referencing of Leo's.

16 hours ago, MartineF said:

I think as long as you have to ask yourself this way and you feel uncertain.. you actually don't want..

@MartineF, I personally appreciate this comment.  I want to do some more self inquiry related to what you stated before I just respond, but the notion gives me pause for thought. Thank you.

17 hours ago, MartineF said:

You will perceive the right moment when it comes..

Not as an impulse (like you would buy new shoes) but with your whole body and mind

If you have the choice, don't do it before this happens and enjoy your life as it is, there are surely good moments you can appreciate right now..

Very helpful.   Thank  you for your comments and observations MartineF.

I find this one helpful as well.   I'm still working on it.