Priti Health Journal

[Preety_India]

December 31

It's not just the absence of toxicity but also the presence of growth and maintenance, care,  sustainenance, rejuvenation regeneration, that is important. 

Good community is created by good people. A good system is made of good components. A good building is made of strong building blocks. 

Good people have 

Good principles 

Good values 

Good traits 

Good qualities 

Principles  integrity, philosophy, mentality, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, 

Values righteousness, honesty loyalty, intentions, morality 

Traits politeness, gentle, good tempered, calm, patient, discipline, clean habits 

Qualities courage endurance, determination, empathy 

Principle can be right or wrong 

Qualities can be present or absent. Can be compatible or detrimental 

Values can be moral or immoral 

Traits  can be desirable or undesirable. 

Edited December 31, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

This is 31st December night. It's already 1st Jan 2019..

I want to wash away all the dirt of toxic relationships behind and start afresh.. 

I want a new life,  a new way. 

I'm tired of being called and blamed and pushed and triggered and being made out to be someone I'm not, being called a monster, made to look like a monster, just because I don't stand up too much for myself or because I don't know how to play victim, all of this being thrown at me, I have been through so much stress and I've never been strict with people in my life, I've been targeted, bullied, dominated, harassed, labeled as a psycho, monster, narcissist, toxic person, ugly,, sociopath and I mean what more character assassination is left. I've suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a narcissist abuser in a terrible hazardous relationship but I made my final wake up call on December 24 night, a fateful event in my life and a pivotal incident that reminded me of how sick humanity truly is. How terrible people can be to each other. How blame game really ruins everything. How big egoes matter so much over so little. 

I've had enough of the BS called relationship. 

 

This woman by the name Shahida Arabi really helped me understand whatever I was going through in the past few months. I am the victim of narcissistic abuse. He is definitely a very wonderful good man but he is an abuser just like my mom and I'm done with both of them. 

I highly recommend this book POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi. When I read her articles on the internet and saw her videos, it opened my eyes to the reality of my life this whole year of 2018. 2018 was a total roller-coaster disaster. I went through so much pain sadness and confusion with no fault of mine. I had done nothing wrong yet blamed constantly and put down and treated with absolutely no respect or dignity. 

There was some affection and love and that's what I was hanging on to, but the fights were taking a toll on me. The insults and bullying and degradation were too much to bear. 

However better late than never. I'm recovering and hopefully all will be fine now, once and forever. I'm putting all my problems to rest. I don't want any more of this drama in my life. I'm a simple person. All of this drama has made my life too complicated. 

 

I will research on healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse and how to thrive in life. I am starting my journey towards emotional healing once and for all. I need to figure out not life but how to thrive in life. 

I have pretty much figured it all out already in this little journal that I've been keeping for months but there is still some figuring out to do and no knowledge is ever complete, life is always full of twists and surprises and there is always more to learn along the way in life. The only requirement is enough fuel and the ability to not go  bust by any curve balls thrown at you, that is, the capacity to survive, thrive and sustain and rejuvenate through all of the terrible experiences and learning that life will throw at you. 

You just have to be able to survive it all and save enough time to make a good turnaround and start a good new life 

I'm ready now. Ready player one lol. 

I'm ready to face life finally after many years of being in confusion, abandonment, childish immaturity and deprivation of every kind. 

Hopefully this time I won't make silly mistakes again and waste my time. 

I don't want to... 

I want to get back my lost years. 

My lost life 

I want total mental and physical regeneration. 

I want to regrow 

I want to regenerate. 

I was a small plant that was crushed by life's problems and suffering for very long. Now I want a rebirth and I want to grow again out of hopelessness and despair. I'm ready for a healthy happy life again. I want to show God that I'm a deserving child and that all hope is not lost yet. 

I know I made mistakes. But they are really not mistakes rather just childish innocence and lack of tact and maturity, lack of basic understanding and sometimes even lack of common sense. Love is truly blind and now I can see how. I see how much blind I was in love. Love makes the world go round. Yea love makes a person crazy. 

But love is an error, a fallacy, an illusion of the feeble mind looking for emotional satisfaction. 

I fell in love spontaneously and fell out of it with regrets. 

Just too many regrets. It's piling up. Time to recheck what's going wrong with me. 

I have grown out of love. I have realized that true love does not exist and even if it does one has to be extraordinarily fortunate to fully consume and experience it. Much of what is called true love is just a farce and people who throw it out there and market it are just snake oil salesmen in the love business. 

I don't wanna ever believe in love again. No more being stabbed in the back by my lover. No more betrayals. 

 I'm sad because of what I had to go through. But I'm also happy because at least I won't have to go through it again.. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. 

I have a good intellect. I believe so. But I've been marred by emotional deficiencies.... I have had too much lovelessness in my life. 

I felt like an orphan growing up. 

I never got a hug or a single word of appreciation. It killed my soul. 

I will finally get my life together. I will win it back. I will rise from the dead again. I will try to thrive. 

 

I'm a dreamer but sometimes dreaming can clash with reality. Really bad. So bad that the dream turns into a nightmare. 

Edited December 31, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

This entire year was the biggest test of my life, the most stressful period of my existence. Yet I tried and held on through the test. I tried surviving the abuse and pain and frustration. 

My health took a very dangerous turn because I turned extremely negligent to my body out of desperation. It was a call for help. I was too tired and sick and stressed out and too weak to do anything drastic.. 

But now it's all over. Thank God. Thank God. 

Now I can start my life all over again, from scratch. But honestly this is better than being stuck in a doldrum forever. 

 

Now I at least have a clearer view of what I need and want and how I should proceed. 

The road is clear. The fog is gone. The mist of doubts has melted. 

 

Edited December 31, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Substantial amount of effort is needed achieve or see substantial progress. 

[Preety_India]

The reason people engage in superficial discussions is because they haven't suffered enough emotionally and they don't have deep experiences or suffering and therefore no empathy or concern. So they become shallow 

In life you need two things. One is getting baked and cooked through all of the experiences. That is basically experiencing suffering. That molding. Experiencing a wide range of emotions and challenges. 

Second thing you need is intelligence and empathy and concern. To understand suffering and ways to resolve it. To resolve it you need intelligence and to understand it empathy is needed. 

The third thing that is needed to understand deeper things in life is transcendence . Having come full circle . Transcending all experiences and emotions and struggles and passions . 

Narrowing all of them down to 

* Experiencing suffering and exertion or molding, life experience 

* Intelligence

* Empathy 

* Transcendence

 

By taking on more emotional stress you are diving into a cesspool of problems and despair. 

Edited January 2, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

No damage month 

[Preety_India]

Thursday January 3

[Sahil Pandit]

On 12/31/2018 at 11:53 AM, Preety_India said:

Substantial amount of effort is needed achieve or see substantial progress. 

100%

[Preety_India]

In the end God wins and judgment loses. Truth wins all the time. No narcissist can defeat the truth no matter how hard he or she tries.. 

[Preety_India]

You should only be negative up to the point to which the outcome is to protect you. Beyond that point you should stop being negative. 

[Preety_India]

"if you think that we are really evil, than you deserve more evil people in the world to know real evil." 

[Preety_India]

January 5. 

Today I'm not feeling good. But I'm managing. 

Yesterday my ex had called me late in the night. What a shitty person. 

He was trying to argue still. 

I am starting to see all the bullshit. 

 

But anyway. I am trying to get emotionally independent this year. 

It's hard with no family support.. 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

January 5

Chapter 158

Sequence boxing worked well yesterday. 

But my anxiety was high while shopping yesterday. Strained nerves. Felt like quitting. 

Taking baby steps.

Feel claustrophobic. Like tensed. But managed it. 

Loving yourself is the most important lesson 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Sequence box 

It will contain sequence notes for every hour. 

Sequence pad on which these notes will be attached. 

A hard cardboard pad. 

Refer to previous sequence notes. 

Every note will carry a number. 

For example. 

Sequence note 3

Sequence note 9 and so on. 

 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm a sensitive person so even little things impact me. 

Like I don't want another phone call from my ex.

Its disturbing. 

[Preety_India]

Made my first Facebook post after a break. Didn't want to be there for a while 

[Preety_India]

Won't be in any groups anymore. No more drama. And also won't be on Facebook that much. It's just toxic. Will post something nice once a while. 

Will keep just one account on the private text service. 

This way its easier to deal when there is a block situation. No more boobie around the block or pitying myself and no more dealing with the stress of handling accounts and moving back and forth with angry messages on multiple accounts. 

If he doesn't want to talk, it's fine. It's fine if the whole thing is frozen. 

I have told him already on new years eve that I won't be coming to his place ever. I made myself clear and I no longer carry the burden of not having told or cleared anything. 

I am just a friend now. And it's no longer any more emotional. 

I'm pulling back emotionally I mean. No more hangups. 

No more guilt and getting guilt tripped.... 

The break of nearly 15 days helped in the process of healing from this toxic relationship. 

[Preety_India]

Saturday January 5

Chapter 159

He will talk whenever he wants or whenever he misses me. 

I am no longer going to show that I'm invested in any way. I am moving on and I will make that clear. 

I have this guilt that I broke your heart but anyway. It had to happen. It was too toxic.

I am focusing on better things and this year will finally bring hope that never existed before. 

My relationship struggles are over for good. 

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 160

This relationship is a joke and it's BS.. 

I've ended it finally. 

We are just friends 

 

I also told him that during the trip in mid December but I guess he didn't take me seriously 

I feel free. But I will always long for the person I fell in love with. Always. He was the prince charming of my life. Its sad that I went through horrendous year in 2018 with him. It was a train wreck. 

But anyway. I'm glad I'm over it now. One day I will thank myself 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Pay bills.