lmfao

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Alright so today I've moved out from my parents (for university). I'm typing so as to get me thoughts and feelings to flow out as I'm thinking about how to manage my relationship with my family. My family is muslim and they do not know that I am not muslim and so I'm wondering what to do about my lifestyle since I wont care about whether I eat halal meat or not, care if I get a girlfriend or sleep around, care if I drink alcohol and etc. I rely on my parents for financial support, but I still think that I should soon tell me parents im not Muslim (and hence I'll be living whatever lifestyle I want). Since my dad is more educated and open minded I'll tell him first, And as far as my mum is concerned, it's probably too early to tell her anything. She is an absolute lost cause in trying to negotiate any sort of compromise or alternative viewpoint. 

So lets suppose I go through with telling my family that I'm not religious (with the exception of my mother), the only thing I have to consider is what my father will permit me to spend his money on. He may say to me "Do what you want but don't spend my money on alcohol" and/or "don't spend my money on unhalal meat, dont spend my money on pork". And what I wonder is, if I am put in this situation , what am I to do or say? Since I want to live my live with freedom, I shouldn't accept compromise even if it should mean that I financially struggle. I live in England, a welfare state at the end of the day and in the worst case scenario I accumulate some debt I have to pay off once I start working.

Secondarily I worry about how my relationship with my family will change, but I'll have to accept any changes that come my way. Life is a game at the end of the day.

 

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Ah it's been almost three weeks now since I've moved out to university. My sleeping pattern is in dissary, and for the first week of when I moved in I barely meditated due to stress and being preoccupied.

I still have my problems with Internet addiction, I don't know how to deal with it.  I don't know whether weaning off of wasteful technology use is even possible for me. When I get a small taste of distraction/stimulation from the technology I can't help but go all and drown my awareness. My conciousness levels is too much like a yo-yo. I think the only solution is to bite the bullet of cold turkey. I guess I should leave this distracting forum for now lol as well. In terms of technology, I'll limit it to a few things: important communication with others, education and reading and maybe music. I'll also let myself to occasionally listen to Alan Watts or Leo's weekly videos. Video games, porn, YouTube and Netflix is the bane of my existence. 

Edited by lmfao

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Posted (edited)

Monday 03/06/2019 02:16

Woah its been so long since I did any form of internet journaling.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little stressed recently since I don't really now what I want to do in the future at university. I'm about to finish my first year of physics at university, but I haven't been enjoying it as much as I thought I would and I'm instead tempted to just switch to doing a pure maths degree. The worst case scenario in my mind is that the university I am at won't allow me to switch degree within the university, meaning I have to go through lots of effort to change university.

During much of this year at uni I've been depressed and almost suicidal a couple of times. I can't fully tell "why" I got so disengaged and unmotivated. I think a part of the problem was that I found much of the lectures boring and pointless to death. The content was often taught in a style I didn't like, teachers telling you what was true rather than why it was true. But for some bizarre reason, I just can't find many people I relate too. I cant find any people on my personality wavelength who also have the same intellectual interests. I thought I'd find someone like me on this course, seems like this is not the case. 

Course hasn't felt as logically rigorous as I had hoped. In some ways I'm too smart but in some ways I'm too dumb, not a very good combo. It's like getting the worst of both worlds sometimes. Lecturers are un-engaging, not many people I enjoy the company of beyond being a somewhat awkward acquaintance. But I'm leaning towards maths I think, I just enjoy it more. In physics maths is used as a tool and as a means to an end, and so even if a physicist doesn't understand with full accuracy why the math they are using works they will use it anyway. I'm not a big fan of that, I want the information I learn to be a natural consequence of axioms and/or creativity. 

I've missed so many lecturers and I've done ok in the exams so far. But in a few days I have an exam I know that I'll likely be unprepared for because of how lazy and disengaged I've been. And my mind cant stop being neurotic about it, thinking about the what ifs. I never thought learning something interesting like relativity could feel so blah to me. I'm fan of independent study, but for me to do well in independent studying I have to sort out my own emotional garbage and addictions. 

And then even after that exam, I have to write an exhausting lab report quickly if I want to pass the year for a course I might just drop out of. Ok, I know rationally that I can worry about the lab report later and even if it becomes a late submission or no submission something will be worked out so I need to get rid of that stressor. 

But I keep torturing myself about this exam, im just doing my best to be mindful but ahhhh what can you do. 

Edited by lmfao

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Saturday 08/06/2019 09:32

I've finished exams now, all thats left for me to do is to just do this lab report, do two more experiments and I'll be moving back to my family in a week or so.

I feel quite inspired to change the quality of my leisure time and stop severe internet addiction. Instead of using discord or watching Netflix I'll change my sources of info to purely reading based, only allowing myself to watch videos which are work related or the very occasional personal development and/or non-duality video. I'm even going to stop myself from listening to music 24/7 like I normally do. I hope to force change to happen, and even quitting something like music is important I think. I'm trying to recalibrate my mind and senses from the damage of excessive technology use. And to do that, I want to make myself as old school as possible in my lifestyle (at least temporarily) but still using technology for important things like work or necessary networking with people. 

 

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General reflection on the internet

By design the internet amplifies our minds' ability to become neurotic and distractable. The mind is always looking to run away from discomfort, whatever form the discomfort comes in. Your mind tries to turn outwards, looking for some "golden goody" to relieve your unhappiness. The internet has a million and 1 ways to keep your mind in the unconscious cycle of neurotic seeking and turning away from the present.

The internet really can become a drug. When a person does drugs in contrast to meditation they are trying to solve the same problem but in the opposite direction.

Drugs work by sending you into this weird, cloudy haze of unconsciousness such that you temporarily seem on the surface to be relieved of your problems. Only issue is, those painful emotions are there the entire time you take the drug and the presence of those negative emotions only make you indulge harder and harder, and you end up entering this positive feedback loop of suffering. 

In nature, such large amounts of stimulation didn't exist compared to what the internet offers. It should come as no surprise that technology then becomes an amplifier of dysfunction. 

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Thursday 13th June 2019 18:33

Woke up at 6 am unfortunately and couldn't go back to sleep, so I'm quite tired right now. In the morning I did the longest strong determination sitting I've ever done, 90 minutes, and boy was it amazing. The process of SDS brings out your primal fear and anxiety, some of the cleanest purification you can get. I won't lie though, it was extremely painful for me. I felt my body completely filled up with this raw fear and anxiety. For at least 20-30 mins of the practice it almost felt like I was in hell. I would have equanimity for a few minutes before going back into suffering, then back to equanimity then back to suffering, over and over again. Whilst SDS is extremely good from a purification and just mindfulness point of view, I suppose a small bonus to it is that if extreme emotions come up your body gets a sort of chemical high that a thrill seeker would enjoy. 

I think I have some chronic fatigue problems, I need to go to the doctors and fix my lifestyle up. Fatigue is probably one of my worst demons, being responsible for a lot of my bad habits.

 

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Thursday 27th June 2019 04:08

Ever since receiving some bad news about my university not allowing course transfers for what I want I've been having a bad mood recently, but I've calmed down now and I'm collecting myself so things should be fine. At most, it should mean I'll be spending 1 year longer (or 2 but I hope not) to get what I want with the added bonus of a theoretical physics degree. Although the area of research I wanna go into is mathematics, but right now this is my best option and that is to finish my physics degree. 

My meditation routine has gone to shit for the past week or so. I need to reel it back in. There's so much neuroses trapped inside, I don't know where to start or what to do. Too many things to do but I struggle to get myself to start 1 task. At some point, I have to confront it head on and suffer like hell. I must become fine with the suffering, and not fear suffering. Should I fear suffering, try not to become fearful of being fearful of suffering. Once that state of effortless ecstasy is realised, everything reveals itself.

 

 

I think I should start my own handwritten journal for myself, something about writing words with your own two hands feels more satisfying than pressing buttons on a keyboard. It's as though handwriting has a certain flair, character, human-ness and idiosyncratic nature to it that I'm attracted to. In contrast to this digital form of transcription where the thoughts and emotions off all authors blend together to form this grey, dull conglomeration of binary digits. One's own handwriting is like a fingerprint, unique to you.

I think what it is, is that I've always had a particular taste for things that allow for people to express themselves and reveal their inner colours. Something that feels "authentic" to me. I think this part of me is perhaps linked to the introverted feeling function in MBTI, but also introverted sensation function perhaps. I like the feel of paper books in contrast to digital books, in some ways I have an aesthetic preference for the non-technological ways of things. I want to sit next to a real fire burning coal or wood, not a fake holographic fire which is just a radiator running on electricity.   I like the sensation, physically and emotionally, of things that feel "real". 

I hate all things standardised and cookie cutter, causing the world to lose its differentiating colours and dissolve into goop. In other words, I want to fucking live! I hate herds of people who all walk, talk, think, dress and act the same. I hate the idea of working in a office cubicle, in a room filled with 1000 other cubicles which are identical in their monotone dull look. I hate the idea of becoming slaves to the system, the idea of losing yourself in favour of becoming another cog in a machine; anything but that is fine with me. 

 

 

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Thursday, 01/08/2019

I'm a bit bored right now, typing for the sake of it really since I'm waiting for something to happen in half an hour. 

My meditation routine for a while now has been quite bad, but the times I do meditate have been great with mystical states. All my mystical states have the theme of reality just being the creation of something from nothing, the word spontaneous doesn't do justice to how spontaneous it is. Not sure what I've done to get lucky with mystical states really. 

There's an issue I've been noticing in examining my low conciousness behaviours. When I'm in a high state of conciousness, I sort of forget how and why it was that I was ever in a low state of conciousness. When I'm in a high state of conciousness I'm still not always in the best position to observe little low conciousness things since I am not in a low state of conciousness.

Getting a sharp picture of your habits requires high conciousness, and that's what I need for low conciousness habits. 

The best thing to do, is for me try and prolong the state of high conciousness for as long as I can. In catching myself slipping I can get a more vivid picture of low consciousness habits. 

Another random thing I've been doing is conscious body contraction. Instead of conscious body relaxation, I keep my muscles tensed for a while and observe it consciously even when it feels so uncomfortable to do so. I try do my bad habit of tensing in a conscious way deliberately so as to see the mechanics of the habit more clearly. 

In the end, I never did cut out wasteful Internet use. But I know, and have felt, that if I want any sort of greatness sacrifices have to be made. 

My embodiment is so rediculously bad, and real behaviour change is needed. 

On the plus side, I've felt that my meditation and conciousness work has in a way fueled my interest in maths and physics. Especially since right now I'm studying more foundational and ground-zero topics in maths. And then having an amazing moment of just not knowing just makes grasping the actuality of things feel rewarding. 

 

 

 

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