165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I'm at work right now. Lots of bad feelings and comparisons, thinking frequently to give up because one day I will be the person I want. But not right now. Now, I should eat junk food and feel bad to be motivated to become that person?! 

 

I watched a book review after mindset. I didn't even fully realized I have a fixed mindset. In my mind putting effort is bad. I should feel right and everything should be easy, right? Ahahhahahahaha. 

 

Kept putting myself back on track. These thoughts are ridiculous. How am I going to become better if I want to give up all the time? It's stupid. 

 

I feel bad and sad. Response? Go stronger bro! Stronger! Keep focusing on yourself and your habits. Each time I feel bad I start one of those bad habits which fuels the other ones. Last night I felt bad for wasting a few hours cleaning. But did the rest of my routine anyways. 

 

I have a test tonight. I will go clean my new room and the rest of the apartment. 

 

I can't believe how much I wanted to spent on junk food this week alone because I felt bad. It's ridiculous. I would have felt worse afterwards! With the money I would have spent on food at work and for feeling bad I bought today a portable steamer to iron my clothes (and still didn't hit the amount I would have spent on food this week alone lol). I wanted one for a long time. It will make thingsa little easier for me. Always stressed about ironing clothes in the morning. I ironed a couple once a week lately but is not going fast enough. 

 

I planted some broago and impomea tricolor (morning glory). Curious if they'll die or not. Is relatively warm outside.

 

Looool, a new page already? 

Edited June 4, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Cleaned the place again and now it's looking better. Oh, and there are bugs everywhere in the kitchen. I feel like a true student atm. Opened a drawer and a few bugs fell. ?

 

I slept OK even if I woke up a few times. This bad is really comfy. 

 

I arrived home last night to prepare my stuff and I was very angry this place is full of bugs. I was bitter with my mom even if she was nice. I drove with brother here. I asked him to let me. I need more effort to put into driving. 

 

Felt lots of unincouraging thoughts and feelings. 

 

After cleaning last night I did a little of back exercises, meditation and reading a few pages from paleo. I was tired and still pushed myself. I'm proud. 

 

I'm delaying going to swim right now ahahah. 

 

I will go home tonight to take some stuff. My new iron has arrived so I will take that too. 

 

I'm still worried I will fail like I did in NL. But I am also amazed what I can do with this momentum. It feels good. I'm proud of myself. And yes I could have done many things sooner but I can't change the past. All I have is the present. 

 

To be honest I don't know what my problem was living wiht my parents. I mean I had my room, a clean kitchen, a garden. Not sure why I felt I need to leave besides them arguing with each other. I'm not really sure. I realized this yesterday as I was prepared to live. 

 

I'm still anxious about money. It's alright. I have to pay for the reparing done to the car. 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

While i was swimming i kept thinking i am wasting my time, that i haven't achieved much in my life so far and other negative thoughts. I focused on a few movements and i got a little better at swimming.

 

I returned and arranged my clothes, cleaned my windows and did groceries. I paid more than i thought. 

 

I cooked, prepared for a test and read from primal book. Understood more why is important to eat better.

 

Im waiting for the food to cool down to put it in the fridge. I can leave it like this because of the bugs =)))

 

At lunch i ate 2 raw eggs and some yogurt. I didn't feel like eating again until 17:00. 

 

I tried to sleep but i thought negative shit and almost cried. Jump from bed and went to read. I had the worst thoughts about myself and my progress in life. I am inpatient to have lived like this for years. It's just second week. 

 

Tonight i will go to drive, take some stuff from home and pick up the new iron.

[Everyday]

20 hours ago, Everyday said:

Tonight i will go to drive, take some stuff from home and pick up the new iron.

Hey

Arrived home did gardening, packed what i forgot, kombucha, cut some herbs to add to what i cooked, washed some clothes and spent some time with my family. I didn't drive and i ate shit food with them. We celebrated smth. 

 

I was happy to see them but then they started arguing and it was not that nice anymore. Once at home, it felt easier to derail and get back to old ways. I have no clear idea why is that so. While i was with them i felt i should be back home reading or smth.  Hmm.  Next day i woke up and i was inclined to eat unhealthy and take it easy because i failed. My family wanted me to hang around longer, i already felt like a failure for not waking up earlier and being productive

 

 

This morning i drove them to the church, drove alone and then picked them up. It was quite busy on the road. I pushed myself. Going to drive again Tuesday night. I offered to drive. I wanted practice. Also, i observed i feel better driving in the morning, knowing i am done with that goal instead of waiting until night to do it.

 

Arrived to new home and tried my new iron =)))))) i was so excited about it. It's really cool. =)))))))))) Felt very lazy and complacent. Unpacked, meditated and wanted to watch a movie and complain of my life. Kept thinking of my ex. Hated that. Realised it made me feel worth it as a human to have a gf and i worry i wont find another soon (meaning in my head that i am a failure). I remembered i didn't live the life i wanted when i was with ex. Reminded myself that i am getting to that life each day. With each action i take. I cant make up the time wasted. But i can use the present to grow. 

I reminded myself that i need to just keep up each day with my goals. I feel amazing looking back a week and seeing i have been meditating and being overall productive.

 

I had such a weird dream. I was in high school and everyone was watching some movie projected in the schoolyard. I was sitting on a bench with a girl i remember i liked. In this dream my ex was my ex even if i was in high school. I started making out with this girl and touched her. She started yelling at me for doing that on a bench, she had the voice of my ex when she was yelling. Felt very upset i didnt think before acting and so on. I woke up very confused. 

Edited June 6, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Ate and avoided all cockroaches from the kitchen. I saw more than yesterday =)))))))))))) I look on the top shelves while my food was in the oven and saw this SWARM of fruit flies inside a jar with an old scoby. I put a bag on it and tossed it upside down =)))))) Almost all of them got fucked by that disgusting scoby =))))) I washed the jar a few times but is still dirty. WTF. For how long was that shit there? Why didn't they just clean it ??????????????????

 

 

My food has too many flavours. Is weird. very feeling but still weird.

 

 

I was thinking to study some more and take a short walk later. 

 

 

I feel bad again but i try to be productive. 

 

I have to got tomorrow at university. Not too happy about that. But at night i will go to bjj. I am excited.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Watched some videos on YT, which combined with feeling made me watch even more and had a strong desire to buy fast food. Glad i didn't. I didn't think straight. I was just i will eat junk food and watch this and next day everything will be fine. I read from shadow and bone and calmed down. I want to study a little more and then go to bed. I feel guilty s no i want to watch more and more. 

 

Day 34 of NoFap. Had more urges. If i ate junk food and watched tv series i would 2 more times tempted to jerk off. Also, i wanted to watch porn.

 

 

Turn on the light in the kitchen. Cockroaches eeeeeeverywhere. On the table, a few on the walls, some on the hallway, around the sink and so on. Ooooof. 

 

Saw some in the bathroom again. 

 

I must be living the true student life, right??????????

Edited June 6, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey 

 

Woke up for university laboratory. I was active in the tasks we did in the field. I pushed myself to keep working instead of being lazy. 

Ate with my friend afterwards. Felt guilty I spent money. At least it was healthy. I told him I've started reading primal blueprint. He said wow? You are interested in that stuff so early?! That's pretty cool. 

 

Went to work. I messed up two campaigns. I had to do two DSA campaigns and I did display instead... ???????. 

After work I kept saying to myself that I m going to eat junk food because I feel bad and already spent money on food earlier. Gald I didn't. It was hard. Just like yesterday. 

Went to bjj class. More ppl compared with the small group I was used at krav. The first 35+minutes I kept looking if there are any girls I can ask out ??. Kept complaining and bitching in my head. Felt ashamed of myself for not finding someone faster like my ex. 

As I lost my hope I noticed a nice girl looking at me frequently. She arrived later, right when I said to myself here are too many guys and not many girls. Ahahahahahah. Blah blah. 

 

The rest of the class I actually enjoyed fully. I love sparring. It's like when I was fighting wiht my siblings as a kid. Really fun and practical. 

One year of krav and I couldn't get out of those grips and moves. Lol. 

My back hurts but I'm really happy I went. 

 

Wanted to stop and eat junk food after bjj. So glad I didn't. My reasons for eating that shit are stupid. And I end up feeling like a failure afterwards. Each time. Ooooof. 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

It was a long day.

 

23 hours ago, Everyday said:

Went to work. I messed up two campaigns. I had to do two DSA campaigns and I did display instead... ???????. 

One of the bosses had a talk with me.  He asked if i made that mistake because my focus in somewhere else or if i dont like what i am doing anymore. He asked if there is some problem in my life right now. He said we will have these talks with me but until some point when i will get fired.  Fuck.

Felt quite shitty the rest of the day. 

Wanted to eat junk food and complain. Decided over and over again to not give in. What i truly wanted was not to give up. I didnt. It was truly hard. 

Went home and drove. Made some stupid mistakes. Wanted to eat junk afterwards too. Resisted again. 

 

Kept comparing with ex. Felt like crap. I hate this shit .

 

My back still hurts. 

 

Day 36 no fap. Lots of urges yesterday. 

 

 

I wish i kept working on myself. I am not ok with the time i wasted last few years. I had bigger expectations. 

 

 

I post pond speaking with my flatmates since they arrived last night. I had to go to work and when i returned wanted to study before-going home. I returned and spoke with them. While i was speaking to the girl noticed how much it drains me and how i dont really care what she has to say. Felt the same with ex all the time. It was exhausting to listen to her speak shit all the time. I had to force myself to meditate afterwards. 

 

I wanted to say smth more. oh, yeah i got a little bit with used with the roaches in the kitchen. I like having my own room and arriving at work in 15 min. I liked not having my family yell and to not feel put down like at home. 

When i went home my mom and sis started arguing. I felt so drained being there. Like the next step i was going to do was to watch a movie or eat shit. It was really easy to just go in the kitchen and eat shit when i felt bad. It's easier i dont have temptations here. Weird 

Well, i pass by kfc, Mc, and so on on my way to work each day. I still resist. Today i was really hard. I just wanted to return home and eat junk food and complain. I feel better that i kept doing my routine, drove and so on. 

 

Edited June 8, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

 

Wanted to give up a few times yesterday. I am really glad I didn't. 

 

The amount of money I would have spent on junk food was this Tuesday and Wednesday equals what I paid for groceries this afternoon. Wow. The food I bought will last me for days VS feeling like shit for a few days. 

 

Got a 9 on today's test. I should have prepared better. Last night I came from the clinic and started studying. I wanted to give up a few times but I am so proud I didn't. Didn't feel like doing my routine but pushed through anyways. So glad I did. 

 

We have a test on Monday. Asked a colleague for some more info on that. I want be better prepared. 

 

Going to do practice this weekend at a permaculture farm. It's part of that course I have been doing. 

 

I volunteered tomorrow to help at university because I need to compensate for some skipped classes. 

 

We had a class before the test. I easedropped to what the guys behind me were speaking about. One of them was talking about this ex who keeps messaging him. And about what happened in that relationship. I'm not the only one who had breakups and problems. It's totally normal. He was saying he likes having sex with her but he can't stand her. That he is 95% or 70% not wanting to get back with her. Everyone has his drama and shit to deal with. 

 

I had some rough days. Felt like quitting a thousand times. I am so happy I didn't. But it was hard. Which each time I refuse to give up I'm more of the kind of person I want. I am given choices each day. 

 

I am more ok with the roaches in the kitchen. Focused on work and study. Juts wash everything twice and that's it. 

 

I bought some dried figs. Not sure how much added sugar they have. Or are like that? 

 

My flatmeats ads leaving again this weekend. I thought to eat junk and feel like shit? No! I'll be productive. 

 

Why did I gave up so often at home? I can't explain. Hmm. I don't know. 

 

I was worried last week it will take me lots of time to cook. But it took me a few hours on Saturday and I still have food. It's just about planning. I am more productive than I was at home. I feel proud I'm eating better than I used at home. Also, I eat less often. I used to eat for example after work and than again around 22. Now I eat just once or much on some nuts or other stuff. 

 

 

Edited June 10, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

It feels weird to not give up 10 times a week. Hmm.

 

Feels weird to keep going and going even if i dont feel like it. Feels weird to do stuff even if i dont feel like it. 

 

Going to cook tomorrow. The meat and veggis are still frozen.

 

Spoke with sis and mom. I felt less motivated afterwards. 

 

Im revising my flashcards for the test on Monday. Update - around 23:00 started feeling tired. I am glad i didnt give up and gave myself time to study.

 

I watched loki today after i finished work. Felt weird to not roll into fapping, more episodes, feeling bad and junk food afterwards. I realised that i wanted to avoid finishing my task because i perceived it as hard. I wanted to avoid doing it.

 

 

Edited June 10, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Starting day 39 of NoFap

[Everyday]

Hey

Today I went to do gardening with two colleagues I don't like from uni.

I listened to them speaking. They both said I wish I dropped more weight. They are both overweight. They spoke some other shit to do some day but they don't have time. One of them said he wants to start going to the gym. The other said he wants to start running in the park and so on. And they both said how they'll start really hard-core one day. Like really putting lots of effort into it. 

??????? I thought: do I sound like that too? That one day I will change everything, one day. Not even focusing on small changes I can do right now? ????

 

On our way to the field some girl passed by in front of us. One of the guys said oh, that's my gf. He called her and went after her. Really weird. I was thinking if that's some joke, if he's pretending or that girl is really his girlfriend. The other guy said that's her. And they live together. Wow. Didn't expect that. I also thought girlfriend or no girlfriend you need to take care of your life. Like I should as well. A girlfriend is just a girlfriend. Later today he told our professor he will merry her in a few years. Will he though? 

 

One of them asked me which part of the city I travel from to arrive at uni. I said my parents house but than remembered I moved last week. They were like wow so you live in the city center now wiht some friends ? That's really cool! I didn't expect that reaction. 

 

The other one asked if I am going to the one week trip during the practice week next month. I said I can't because I work full time. Going there would mean taking my only vacation for this year and spending it pulling out weeds for a week. They asked me where I work. I said a marketing agency. They said woooow that's cool. Didn't expect that either. They seemed envious I think. Later the day they said they are tired and are going home to eat and sleep. 

I went to work afterwards. I really have lots of energy to use. 

 

A girl from work called me about some stuff I finished yesterday while I was planting. I said to the professor I need a few minutes to send a message for work. She was like omg you also work? You don't eve to have much missed classes! That's really impressive! I guess it is. 

 

At least I learned smth new and fixed one of those missed labs. 

 

Went home to pick some stuff and drive. My brother took the car so I couldn't. I was really bitter with mom. Don't know why. Ate unhealthy. Felt a little sick on my way home. 

 

Paid the rent today. My finances are alright. I saved lots on money by not eating at work or junk food. I want to see how much I am left wiht this month. I paid for food yesterday. Going to cook maybe tomorrow. Anyway soon cuz I am out of cooked food. 

 

I have been living here for almost a week. Feels much longer. 

 

At home, my parents where arguing again. Even my sister was arguing with mom. I concluded they are arguing so often cuz they have too much free time. That's the explenation I found so far. 

 

Two 4th year girls where helping us as well. We have the same age. I could have been in their place. Who knows? How would have my life been like? 

 

My back hurts like shit. Did half of back exercises. 

 

Finished day 39. Started day 40. Didn't have insane urges today. 

Edited June 11, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Did my replies got deleted?  I had more replies. 

 Just saw the thread. 

 

Anyways, 

I had a difficult day. I wanted to give up multiple times. I was amazed how i kept pushing myself and didnt give up. I wanted to take a looooooong break and deal with those problems much, much later. Thus, getting super stressed. 

 

Left work at 19.30. Went to see with brother and drove. I didnt want to especially after such a long day. But i did it anyways. i m glad now.

Didn't see my parents and sis. Returned home to do some more work. I messed some reports. One of the bosses got super upset. Felt like shit whole day. Same old problem with paying attention. 

I wanted to continue working but i cant because i need some verification codes for that account bla blah. Going tomorrow morning to finish. 

 

Juggled with a lot of stuff today. Passed that verification for uni. Glad. I said what i learned last few days. I could have done better. I passed. That's good. 

 

When i returned home i wanted to buy junk food. I bought groceries to cook next day. Almost same price. It will last me longer. 

Edited June 15, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

yesterday i arrived home and before leaving to bjj started raining. I hesitated but left anyways. I didn't regret it. It was fun. Wasn't as hard on my back as last time. I dont like the instructors arent paying as much attention as i would like. I will try different dojos. 

 

I am not ok with the fact that i didnt pay 100% attention. Kept thinking i dont have a GF and other shit. Came home and resisted to not buy junk food. I meditated and did the rest of my routine. Then i watched Loki. Really good episode. 

 

Huge urges last night. 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Worked from home today. I was not as productive like i would have been at the office but it was nice. Ate lunch with my flatmates. Cooked and washed some clothes.

 

I noticed that the couple i live with are not very tender and loving with each other. I never saw them displaying affection. Do that love each other or they are together out of connivance? Never heard them saying i love you.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Went home yesterday fro a few hours. Did some gardening. Planted some seedlings. When i was home i felt like i need to do smth. I felt bored. I thought i couldnt stay overnight cuz i dont have my laptop to use. What will i do?

 

I dont feel to motivated today.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I had lots of urges to fap last few days. Watched porn. 

 

I am at day 28 of meditating and doing 100 crunches daily. I really forced myself this morning. 

 

I feel really down and unmotivated. Lost some of my faith that i can change my life. I ate junk food a few times last 2 days. Watch tv series for hours. I was really lazy and i hate it.

 

I dont feel the best right now. I really hard to keep pushing. I ...

 

I worked from home on Thursday and Friday. I took it really easy and procrastinated a lot. Hack, on Friday i worked a little bit then i watched Swamp Thing and The Bad Batch on the internet. 

Edited June 19, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I cooked with the herbs i brought home last time and cleaned my room a little. I read from paleo and the other book. I feel a little better. 

 

I observed i felt better when i had smth to do, like i was preparing for those tests. 

 

 

I remember how crazy i was about cleaning when i was living in NL. I would get upset if the dishes where not put back, or found them unwashed in the sink. Now, here i drift through their clothes, used plates and garbage in the apartment. I just mind my own business. I don't even complain or argue with them about this. I am not going to live here forever. I am sitting now on the desk of one of them. I count two used forks, one spoon, one tea spoon. Two used glasses. some dirt stains on the desk, papers and dust. 

 

 

My father called me earlier. Asked me how am i and when i am coming over. I wanted to go home earlier but i dont want to feel bad again so i will wait till later. i will arrive and wont have too present too much time with them. I said i just cooked a little and read all day. He asked me if i went somewhere or just stayed indoors. I was ashamed i watched some tv series in the morning. I wondered what they think of me. I thought how much i have to grow and felt i cant do it. 

 

I thought a lot of my ex lately, more exactly about having a GF. I see myself as a looser without one even if i was so miserable. I cant understand my cravings. When i had one i was disappointed i am not working on myself. Now, i work on myself and i am disappointed i don't have a GF. WTF?

 

I went to BJJ this Wed. I was looking all over the place for that girl who seemed to like me. She didn't come, just her friend. Maybe this Monday? God i am so desperate.

 

 

I am experiencing a backlash, is hard to admit. I thought this time will be different and i will keep going. 

Edited June 19, 2021 by Everyday
updates.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Went to bed late. Woke up late. Did gardening for 2 h. Browed 5L of tea for Kombucha. Finished second book of shadow and bone and read around 100 pages from the third one. Drove with brother. 

Took a long walk and ended up buying junk food. Came home and watched a movie. Did my routine. Meditation made me feel worse. All these negative thoughts unrevealed....

 

 

 

So i was not happy with a gf...... i am not happy alone either. I am really confused....

Edited June 20, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

I watched it last night. Beautiful movie.

Edited June 20, 2021 by Everyday