165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Drove 30 km with my bro. Tried to remind myself is just a skill. It would make a huge difference if i have this skill. I decided to spend more and more time driving. Why bother going to bjj, reading books all weekend, meditating and so on when i am not dealing with this huge problem???????????? (of course i am going to do those things but i am making a point here).

 

Last weekend i got frustrated i went swimming and still feel i am not doing anything with my life. I didn't understand why. But then i realised swimming is nice. But is not like driving, is not a problem i am solving. Swimming wont make me feel better for not driving. 

 

 

Sometimes the biggest problems are right in our faces and we avoid dealing with them.

 

This problem is so in my face i cant see it! I thought what can i do to improve my life. I thought i will have to read book and so on all weekend and hope change will come one day. But i have right here a thing that needs to be fixed. Spending my time driving will bring me more progress than doing anything else instead for growth. 

 

I think i will go tomorrow alone and i want to drive for a few hours this weekend. I wont go anywhere if i drive just a little bit. I need to push and push myself over and over.

 

 

I passed the test at uni with a 5. I should have studied more. But is ok after months of not studying at all. It was alright at work. Had fun conversations. Got a little behind with my work but is alright now. 

 

I feel excited to go to sleep. It was quite a day.

 

I am listening to the song below on repeat now. I am relaxing after a long day. Why wouldn't i? Why force myself to read a book or be even more productive. Is just music. In moderation is alright for now 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

This page started with a real good vibe unlike the last ones =)))))))

 

Cheers and wish you all a great night.

[Everyday]

On 25/05/2021 at 9:48 PM, Everyday said:

Kept reading in the subway. I am reading the books from a tv series i watched on netflix a while ago:  https://www.google.com/search?q=shadow+and+bone+books&client=opera&hs=w7K&ei=8UatYNZjvoH27w-G3JOQCw&oq=shadow+and+bone+books&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBQguEJMCMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyBAgAEAoyAggAMgIIADICCAA6BwgAEEcQsAM6BggAEAcQHjoHCC4QDRCTAjoECAAQDVCmI1jNJWCWKGgBcAJ4AIABjgGIAdUDkgEDNC4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwiWoOz9v-XwAhW-gP0HHQbuBLIQ4dUDCA0&uact=5

 

I am close to finish the 1st volume.

 

I asked my colleagues from work for more work cuz i had nothing left to do. Kept pushing myself. I am very proud of myself

Got distracted and upset thinking of my ex but is ok. I will block those thoughts, next time.

 

 

Drove with bro again. It was better. Right before i thought of my ex and felt bad. I said to myself - is just a skill. Go! Drive!

 

 

Arrived home and did some chores. I feel a little tired but i can push myself. 

I remembered how proud i am for being productive. I havent felt this good with myself since November. 

 

 

Day 25 of no fap.

 

 

 

 

Day 5 i think of meditation and 100 crunches a day. I feel good. Haven't felt so proud in a long time. It was not a perfect day but it was better.

 

 

Going to swim tomorrow morning. I am excited. Drive at night. It is stressful but i want this skill. Just practice bro.

 

 

 

 

The rest of the day i will do some stuff that bothered me all week, some gardening, studying, etc.

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I remembered that i am working at a really cool marketing agency and i liked what i do. I forgot what a big problem it was working for my parents. I was miserable. I am financially independent of my family now. This means a lot. I was so anxious i wont ever get hired a few months ago - and here i am :). I am really excited of my life right now, even if i still have stuff i need to fix. But working for my problem used to be my biggest problem. Now is gone. Gone!!!!!!

[Everyday]

Hey 

 

Swimming was nice. I had my mind a lot more clear than last week. 

 

I realised i am getting frustrated cuz i haven't already been meditating for 5 years. But i was reading this notes from a book called Driven and realised i need time to get there. Also, that there is no place to arrive to. IT IS JUST ME TRYING TO BE BETTER EACH DAY.     No finish line. No i arrived where i wanted to be blah blah. I am contemplating this .

 

I finished the 1st volume and had nothing to read on my way back so i chose a book from optimize.me. 

 

I am preparing some anki flashcards for a test. I feel is taking forever and i should be doing smth more productive. 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Driving with bro was ok. I am getting better. I drove 90 min. 

 

Added some more flashcards for that test. I have 20 more and then i am done. 

 

What else? Gardening afterwards, Kombucha if i have enough tea left =))) Maybe going to drive alone tonight?

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I prepared some kombucha with mint from my garden and strawberries from the store. 

 

It was raining heavily so did just a little of gardening.

 

Cleaned my room.

 

Prepared some lab lecture for studying. 

 

Felt really bad again for comparing with my ex success. I wanted to give up today. I pushed myself. I am proud of myself. I remembered about Driven and did it anyways.

 

I am reading Primal Blueprint. I wanted to do this for years. Anyways, i'm doing it now.

 

 

I think i will watch a tv series now. 

 

 

I am not sure if i should move out to that house with 10 ppl or not. It feels too expensive and the Erasmus students are going to leave during summer anyways. Better to move in October. I don't know what to do. I think i should stay for longer with the ppl from the 1st internship. I am not sure. We will see how this month will be like living with them. I want to buy some stuff and my money would go on rent in the second place. Hmmm. 

Edited May 29, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Lots of urges last night.

 

12 hours ago, Everyday said:

I think i will watch a tv series now. 

Finished season 2 from Who killed Sara? It made me feel lots of urges and at the end disappointed of myself. It was even harder to fall asleep. Felt even more urges seeing hot girls in those episodes. I was tempted to fap to feel worse. 

 

Woke up feeling drained and lazy. I didn't want to jump out of my bed to meditate, do crunches and exercises for my back. I wanted to keep feeling bad until i will feel like changing my life again.

I released that's how i felt maybe each time i was speaking to my gf or hanging out. I felt i am not doing what i am supposed to do with my time. I would end up being lazy and drained. I would want more time with her like i wanted tv series to keep feeling so bad until i will change smth.

I remembered i used to feel like this all the time and i hated it. I hated it. I would think of some day i will be productive again. That they will never come. All i have is being productive or not in the present moment.

 

 

I realised having a gf, even if will all those problems it was a way for me to cope with my past. I wanted one for yeeeeeears and when a girl wanted me i went nuts. Maybe it wasn't love but me making up for my past traumas and failures. 

I observed that in my mind having a gf means i am worthy for the outer world and as well for the inner. So bullshit. I was not doing ok when i was  with her.

 

I meditated twice and did everything else. I am planning to study now. I will go driving and some gardening. 

 

 

 

I started reading paleo diet last night. I got upset not doing it sooner. Horrible feelings. 

 

 

My siblings made fun of me again for moving out. Cant wait bro. I told them they will understand how is like to live alone when they will move out. They didn't like to hear that.

But I am still not sure if i will move to the other house afterwards or not. 

 

 

I will go to the doctor this Monday. I want to go to do Kinesiotherapy and other treatments for 2 weeks as well.

 

 

I have two weeks of practice at uni in summer. There is an opportunity to work at some place for a week and then be done with it. But it would mean to skip work entirely. I don't want that. better to go to uni for 2 weeks but still get to work. I don't want to waste my vacation days for that shit. 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Kept feeling sad and disappointed of myself. 

 

Going to drive a little then to walk a little. I will feel better afterwards.

 

Did a little bit of gardening. 

 

I will study at another subject now.

Edited May 30, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey 

 

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

Going to drive a little then to walk a little. I will feel better afterwards.

It was ok with driving. Wished i went alone a few hours prior. The walk just made me think of all the things i haven't done with my life so far. I am very disappointed of myself. I could have done more. Years wasted...

 

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

Did a little bit of gardening. 

Just in time. Is raining again now.

 

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

I will study at another subject now.

I did that. I am feeling i am not understanding it fast enough. I keep complaining and thinking to quit. I wished i have kept studying. I wish i had more endurance and motivation. I am still studying but i am not enjoying at the moment. 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I drove alone for two hours. I am proud of myself but afraid i will give up. Anyway, i forced myself a lot and i am alright.

 

I remembered how important is to address my problems directly. To fix my driving i need to drive. That's all. I need to take action specifically to fix that. If i stay at home and meditated, eat well, exercise wont make me feel like i am solving driving. Yes, those stuff are good but they dont solve the problem. Is stupid to complain that i am not driving better and i dont feel alright about myself if i am not driving at all. 

 

 

When i arrived home my parents where arguing over some stupid thing and he was complaining about us.

 

 

I will keep driving and i am glad i am moving out.

 

Im at page 64 of Primal Blueprint. While i was reading a few hours ago i almost felt like crying for not starting this book sooner.  I new about it for years but kept saying i will do it another time.  Yeah.... now each time i hear ppl talk about diet and eating healthy i think i have some really good books on this topic and all i do is to complain and avoid reading them. 

 

 

I wanted to give up a few times today and watch tv series. I felt that i am not good enough. I need to keep going regardless of these toxic thoughts.

 

 

Day 27 of nofap. Less urges today. I cant believe i am going to hit a month. Wtf? 

[Everyday]

Hey

Woke up and felt tired. I thought i cant push through but i can. Push yourself!

I cant believe i drove 2h alone yesterday. When i drove alone last time it was not more then 30 min.

Edited May 31, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

14 hours ago, Everyday said:

I cant believe i drove 2h alone yesterday. When i drove alone last time it was not more then 30 min.

I broke smth at the gearbox. I changed the speeds too fast/ abrupt or smth. Fuck. I will pay half the reparations costs. 

 

Going to the 9th of June at the recovery clinic. I will last 2 weeks. 

 

 

Woke up tired. I pushed myself to go to the doctor and at work. It was really hard to sit through all the negatives thoughts i had about myself. I just wanted to do more right there and right then. I have lots of energy. I want to do stuff. I felt very disappointed of myself for not growing faster. 

I decided to go to a trial lesson of BJJ next Monday. Decided to do yoga too, but in summer. After exams i guess, July smth? 

 

 

If I am not ordering food at work for 2 days i can go to swim once for the same amount of money! Lol! 

 

 

I made public my age and university on facebook. I am still ashamed i failed 1st uni so i decided to not have my real age on facebook so my new colleagues will never find out that i am 2 yrs older than them. I have kept this hidden long enough and i thin k no body cares. I left it there now. No body cares what my university is or my age.

 

 

Skipped uni. I will have to re-do that lab

 

 

I am at the level of productivity i was last year in those 2 months. It feels good but in the same time i want more. I want to be better. 

 

 

I have back pain now. Did my exercises, crunches, meditation and studied for one hour. Still, have enough time to do other stuff. I feel this burn inside to do more stuff, but in the same time i am anxious if i can do stuff constantly and not quit. 

 

 

It is becoming harder to sit at home alone and not go somewhere for the day. I have too much time on my hands and i tend to freeze and doubt myself. 

 

 

 

My father is yelling and being angry as usual. Cant wait to not hear him for at least a few days a week.

 

 

 

 

I feel better each time i do my back exercises, crunches and meditation. Is my structure which tells me i am doing all right. Keep going.

I'm at day 8 with meditation and crunches. 

 

 

Day28 of nofap. I am tempted to fap but not for the need of it. Maybe because i want to feel bad and wait again for some day to feel good all the time to do this work.

Edited May 31, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

 

Learn Them, Know Them, Live Them!

 

Law #1: Eat Lots of Plants and Animals. Enjoy the

natural, satisfying foods that fuelled two million years of

human evolution.

 

Law #2: Avoid Poisonous Things. Avoid processed

foods (sugars, grains, and chemically altered fats) that

are foreign to our genes and make us fat and sick.

 

Law #3: Move Frequently at a Slow Pace. Enhance

fat metabolism and avoid burnout by keeping active but

taking it easy.

 

Law #4: Lift Heavy Things. Short, intense sessions of

functional, full-body movements support muscle

development and delay aging.

 

Law #5: Sprint Once in a While. Occasional all-out

sprints trigger optimal gene expression and beneficial

hormone flow.

 

Law #6: Get Adequate Sleep. Avoid excessive digital

stimulation and sync with your natural circadian rhythm for

optimal immune, brain, and endocrine function.

 

Law #7: Play. Balance the stress of modern life with

some unstructured, physical fun!

 

Law #8: Get Adequate Sunlight. Don’t fear the sun!

Adequate sun exposure helps synthesise vitamin D to

ensure healthy cellular function.

 

Law #9: Avoid Stupid Mistakes. Cultivate

hyper-vigilance and risk management to avoid the stupid

mistakes that bring “avoidable suffering” to modern

humans.

 

Law #10: Use Your Brain. Engage in creative and

stimulating activities to nurture your mental health and

overall well-being.

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Woke up before my alarm. Had a wet dream and didn't even noticed. I had some moderate urges. 

I listened to some book reviews and driften on and off sleep. Then I read in bed for more than one hour about paleo diet. I'm at page 112. Lots of insights and regret I didn't do this sooner. I mean, so much knx in just a little over one hour? Are you kiding me? 

 

Also, I learned that watching TV series and eating sweets before bed disrupts good sleep. Eating lots of grains and sweets isn't good. They produce lots of insulin which makes you hungry again and flush all nutrients from your blood stream. What's the point of eating lots of vegetables if you wash them down with sugar? 

 

I cut some mint from my garden and prepared a lemonade. Delicious. Wanted to do this for such a long time. Last year I said all summer I don't have time for that. 

 

I living the life I wanted to for such a long time. Feel bad for not doing it sooner. I should have. Is amazing to finally do even a part of all those stuff I said I will do one day like reading and exercising. It's great. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I was productive. I'm cooking wiht my family. My father calmed down. I used herbs from my garden. Last year I was so oooo resistant to do that. I regret now. 

Im going to save some food for tomorrow at work. Delicious. 

 

I gave my mom a small part of my salary a few days ago. I plan to do this monthly. It made her very happy. She buys personal deveolpment stuff on her own wiht them. I am not into her style of personal development but it makes her happy. The only money my mom receives are from my father and is very little. Each time she asks for more he yells. 

 

 

I remembered that when I was with my ex i thought I am wasting my time most of the time. I could have worked on myself instead. Yet, I wanted her back and I would have kept this weird dynamic going on. 

I Hated that I am not using all that time on myself instead. What a paradox! But also wanted more time with her. Ahhaahhahaahahahhahahaha

 

Did half of the project for 2nd internship. Growing new stuff again. I have felt guilt for 7 months plus, since I have done last experiment. God it feels so good now. 

 

My Brian is thinking now how it can help me to Live better. For example just had the idea to drink kombucha at dinner instead of some sugary juice. Yay. 

 

I am tempted to drink soda and shit. But I will not. I won't be eat desert after dinner so all foods will be properly used. 

 

Also, I made a salad using plants from my own garden. I feel so excited. I have so many ideas how to improve my life. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Yesterday I skipped desert after dinner wiht my family. I drank some healthy juice. So I thought. Checked it and is packed wiht sugars. Hahaha. My bad. Anyways, I had energy to read some book afterward dinner instead of laying in bed. Hehehe. 

 

 

I got some of the leftovers from yesterday's family barbecue at work as lunch. Greatest idea ever! It was delicious! 

 

I wanted to go out and eat junk food cuz I felt bad twice. The money I would have spent on it and also just for lunch today would cost me literally a little bit over two swimming sessions lol. I'm really proud of myself. 

 

 

Got the key from New apartment. Did I tell you that I didn't even check the room before moving in? Ahahahahah. Is OK. The apartment is a little dirty but this can be fixed. I'm actually more worried what my parents will say about it. I'm going to move tomorrow. Getting some stuff and coming next day for the rest. 

 

Have some stuff to do asap for work. Also, some English essay to finish. 

 

I had some contradicting feelings about being single. In a way I think all the time I should be productive and spending time with her wasn't not really that. But also saying I want a gf cuz I missed out on this experience. That I'm supposed to have this experience and so on. Hmmmm. 

I remembered when I was wiht her I would think incesently I don't have enough experience and also being frustrated I'm not working on myself. 

 

I want to see how I will do financially this month living there. Also, still unsure if I should move the the next house or not yet. Idk bro. I really don't know right now. 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

Yesterday after I arrived I finished that experiment. Took me a few hours. I was very tired and my back hurt. 

 

After spending that much time for that I thought around 23 that I wasted the day. So I can watch a movie and feel bad now. Lol. No. I pushed myself. 

Last night I forced myself to do some exercises, medi, finished the essay at English and revised flashcards for that test. Also, I feel asleep listneing to a review of atomic habits by omtimized. Org. I heard again and again how being 1% better each day can do for you. Amazing. 

 

 

I keep thinking of personal development as a destination. Like the day I will feel like it, or the day I will have a gf and so on. I don't think of it as a journey. This makes me quit very often. 

 

 

 

I am at day 31 of nofap. Wow. The first week were the hardest. I used to do it each night. Didn't have energy left for much else afterwards. Just self pity. 

 

I felt bad again today. Just like yesterday. Wanted to take it easier because I felt that way. But that's the opposite I should do. I need to go strong in those hard moments. 

 

I am trying to enjoy the process of improving of my life. I'm doing so many of the things that make me feel better. Why complain about relationships when I am at work or doing my routine? It's absurd. When I was wiht my ex I would complain I am not working on myself. Wtf. Focus on the peresent moment more. Sometimes is so hard. 

 

 

I had such a real dream I was in bed next to a girl from work. I was caressing and holding her in my arms. Felt scared to loose her. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

My response about how I feel after one month on no fap:

 

Just feeling better about myself overall. Fapping was just one of the ways I would tell myself I give up daily. It was very frustrating knowing that I kept fapping for months and years. 

 

I don't see drastic changes but it does count as one of the ways I am improving my life. I feel I have more motivation and energy to work on other goals. I felt both drained and disappointed of myself afterwards. This didn't encourage me to try harder. 

 

Each time I felt bad about my life I would take comfort in TV series, sugar, overeating and fapping to porn. Kept thinking of a day everything will change and it will be effortless to improve. It won't. It's all a journey and is still hard to accept that. 

 

I still crave sex and intimacy. No fap isn't a thing for long term, but for now it Is one of the things that helps me to improve my life. 

 

 

 

I am still thinking some of the things I want in life will come to Me magically. Still believing doing this routine of mine will give me better driving skills even if I don't practice driving itself. Whatever. 

 

Another thing is that my back still hurts. Maybe it's not a smart idea to go bjj this Monday. Hmm.

 

I felt bad and wanted to eat junk food to motivate myself to be better. Nonsense. But why not read some motivational pdf instead? The point is to motivate me right? Glad i resisted.

I will bring some fruits to work to eat. 

 

 

I will do my routine, some gardening and then i will leave to clean my new room.

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

I finished my routine and gardening and left to clean my room at the new place. Refused to drink a beer with my family and to eat again after i was full. I didnt eat bread for 2-3 days i think.

 

 

On my way there i thought how awesome it feels to live in another place. Kept reading from my book.

 

 

I arrived and .....=))))))))) God, it is much, much dirtier than i thought. The girl who lived there before me didnt even vacuum her room. Spiders webs and all kinds of stuff on the floor. 

Didn't even have time to clean it thoroughly because it was late.

 

Turned on the light in the kitchen and saw cockroaches running from the table next to the sink They said they always keep the light on in the kitchen because of them. They are away right now until Monday.  There was one alive as big as a fucking almond between the fridge doors =)))))))))))))))

 

Ok, i will finish cleaning tomorrow. Maybe it will be better after i clean most of that place. Anyhow i needed a shower when i arrived home. Ew. Just one month and a half and I'm out of there. 

 

I cleaned my spaces in the freezer. Still looked dirty. Even the doors where sticky. 

 

In that apartment complex there is one more neighbour downstairs. The other apartments are empty and have broken windows =))))))))))))))))))))))) What a dump lol. Im happy there are no homeless people living there. 

 

 

All i thought is my parents seeing i live there. I already feel ashamed. At least the other place is clean. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Everyday