Relationship issues - Advice needed

[LiakosN]

I am seeing my girlfriend for 9 months now, but virtually we see each other maybe 10 or 15 times per month. She is beautiful and I’ve started loving her but there are some issues in our relationship. First of all, I want to mention that I am meditating the last 18 months every day for almost an hour. My girlfriend disagrees with meditation and she believes that it will be an obstacle for our relationship, because while I am meditating and she calls me I do not pick my phone in order not to stop my practice. So, one day she might want help and I will not respond immediately. I understand this to a point. I’ve told her that if you want something important call me 2 or 3 times straight and I’ll respond.

Another issue is that when I told her that I am going to take some magic mushrooms (which I did and I haven’t told her) she became very cold and distant for some days. She believes that if you have someone close to you that you (truly) love you should not depend on substances/drugs. Oh, by the way, she always mentions love and that love is the ultimate purpose in life (despite the fact that she knows nothing about spirituality).  And that’s true. She wants me to say that I love her, which I did the last 3 days I told her 2 times that I love her. And that love came after eating magic mushrooms, because I was afraid of telling her that. She also wants me to do things for her (e.g to make a little present and give it to her). From the time we’ve met I tell her almost every time we meet how beautiful her eyes or hair or eyelashes or ears are and when I like something on her I tell her.

She also wants me to express to her every thought (that makes me suffer). But, I am using Byron Katie’s ‘Work’ to deal with me thoughts and feelings. I tell her how I am feeling or what I am thinking, but not all my thoughts. And she said to me: I want me to open your heart to you, but I can’t, because you don’t open your heart to me. I tell her a lot of my thoughts and actions such as: I send a message to that girls yesterday or I am masturbating when we don’t have sex watching pornstar pictures or I was addicted to porn. Once I told her that if I had 1 hour to see you or to meditate I would meditate. And she felt very sad.

When we met she was afraid of telling her parents that we hang out. We were on her parents’ house once when they were on vacation and her sister called her. Her sister asked her if she was alone and my gf said that yes she was. But I was with her. And they started a phone fight because her sister didn’t believe her. Today I wanted to have sex with her and she told me that she had period (her last period ended 10 days ago). By the way, I am 26 and she is 24 and our sex life is bad. When we had sex for the first time she didn’t even know what sex was all about.

Anyway, long story short, I am thinking of breaking up, but her personality seems awesome for me because we can talk for a lot of things. She thinks that I don't love her and I do not know what I am doing wrong. What do you think ? Thanks !

Edited April 3, 2018 by LiakosN

[aurum]

5 hours ago, LiakosN said:

Anyway, long story short, I am thinking of breaking up

I think your initial reaction is the right one. Sounds pretty miserable.

[LiakosN]

@aurum It's pretty difficult.. Thank you aurum. 

[tsuki]

12 hours ago, LiakosN said:

What do you think ? Thanks !

What I think is that you both need to learn what love is. It is not something that you see in the movies, or it is not something that you learn from your parents. You learn practical knowledge. Love is not practical.

Love is not giving up meditation for the other person because she's unhappy.
Love is not being truthful to your sister in front of your loved one.
Love is not being worried for your loved one's addictions. Love is not care.
Love is not a display of affection the the other person can understand.
Love is not making the other person feel pleasant feelings.
Love is not exclusive with fear, anger, anxiety and sadness.

What your girlfriend is looking for is a sign that is categorized as 'normally' signifying love. In other words: she understands love the same way culture understands love. Love is not wanting to be with the other person. Its extents cannot be measured by making the other person quit things they 'love' in order to see whether you are more 'loved' than them. Measuring your worth against the other person's interests is fear confused for love. Most likely fear of loneliness.

Love is not a feeling in the same dimension as fear, anger, joy, compassion, or sadness. Love is like beauty.
When you experience something immensely beautiful, it disarms you. There is nothing to be done in order to improve something that is beautiful. 
Doing anything to the beautiful would damage it.

Love can be beautiful, but doesn't have to be. Love does not always disarm you. Love is therefore a skill. The more skilled at love you are, the more you let the other person be, what they are. Love is making the other person beautiful by changing the lens through which you see them. Love is an internal movement of soul, rather than external display of affection. There is no way of measuring another person's love, nor there is a way to express your own. You can have sex hatefully and have a divorce lovingly.

As for the difficulty of a relationship - there is no right person for you. You love a person by accepting who they are and letting them be. The more hurt you are, the more finely-tailored your loved one has to be in order for you to accept her. By accepting another person you heal your wounds, as you are repulsed by her flaws precisely because she reminds you of parts of yourself that you reject. By accepting her, you accept yourself. Love is a skill of letting be. There is no difference between loving another and loving yourself. When you love, there is no reason not be by yourself. You need another person to learn that.

[LiakosN]

@tsuki Thank you tsuki for taking time to read my issue. I agree with your statements about love, but i do not agree with the one that says: love is not caring.. Love is care! 

 

[tsuki]

21 hours ago, LiakosN said:

@tsuki Thank you tsuki for taking time to read my issue. I agree with your statements about love, but i do not agree with the one that says: love is not caring.. Love is care! 

Will you elaborate? In what sense love is care? Do you love somebody by making them a meal? Or worrying about them?