Existential fear/dark night

[Daniel107]

Hey there,

I started my spiritual journey six months ago, but really got into it about 2 months ago. I built meditation/contemplative/introspection habits. Since I really got into it, I started getting anxious about life/existence and this has increased to the point of having pure existential fear (I guess thats what the dark night of the soul is about). I believe the best terms to describe what I'm feeling is high anxiety and sometimes I get depersonalization symptoms (where everything seems dreamy and unreal).

What I cant concieve is how can it be that life is really meaningless; how can one be grateful for life if everything is meaningless? how can one enjoy all of life's simple pleasures? how can you truly function in the world (build a business, have a family, sports, hobbies, etc) if it doesnt mean anything? how can you truly love someone or even yourself if life is meaningless? Therefore what is love if it doesnt mean anything?

  I know that in the future I want to have a close and loving family, along with building a business that brings me passion and motivation. How can you put effort in your goals if really there is no point? I'm having a hard time through this contradiction, which causes considerable fear and frustration. I know that what I have to do is to release resistance to this and to just be aware of everything thats going on inside me, but what it seems to be happening is that the more I let go, the more anxious and fearful I get. 

Just wanted to know if anyone has gone through something similar and what are your thoughts.

Thanks

[DocHoliday]

First off, welcome to the forum, I'll be your personal tour-guide, please hand me your jacket...(jk)
Secondly, you have a lot to learn, obviously, it's totally fine.

What you're going through can be quite tough at times, and is tough but in the end it's what will transform you the most. It is true that life itself and everything in it is absolutely meaningless, that's right. But, that's actually the best part about it to be honest. Realising that everything is absolutely meaningless will give you the freedom to do whatever you want, or in other words: you'll stop worrying so much about what you decide to do or what you decide not to do, because in the end it's all the same, really. I mean, when you will truly discover that there isn't even a separate you that chooses in the first place to begin with, it's gonna be even clearer to you. But to get back to the issue at hand, the menainglessness of all will free you up and it will stop pressuring you to do certain things you thought were absolutely necessary to do. Life doesn't necessarily have to be experienced on a mendatory basis, but you've been given a chance to experience it as you want to experience it, really. So, this should give you enough motivation to do whatever you want to do and to find out what life has to offer.

What you need to understand about love is that love, as it is advertised and commonly understood, is completely wrong and quite far from what true love is. Normally people either fall in love with others who represent a part of themselves that they would like to amplify (get more of) or a part of themselves they'd like to have as they can't come up with it on their own (co-dependence and compensation of lack). True love is the degree to which you can recognize yourself within other people even when they are foreigners to you. Accordingly to that degree you will treat them as if you'd treat yourself because you have to understand that when it comes to love, you actually love no other person more than yourself. Therefore, no-self is the highest form of love because you simply can't help yourself any longer at that point to instantly recognize other people as yourself and treat them as such. Romantic love-relationships and marriage and all this other stuff is a crooked caricature of that and in the end it always turns out to be as shallow and fake as it truly is, because it's not the real deal... but many won't ever come to that realisation, that's why they tend to go through so many various relationships, partners and failed marriages and so on...

I hope this was somehow helpful to you and your current situation as a quick little starter.

EDIT: Right, you can still engage in relationships and marriage and start a family and do all of those things, but your motivation for doing so will change/be different and as always, before doing anything in particular you should always ask why you want to do it, what's the true reason behind it.
 

Edited March 13, 2018 by DocHoliday

[Nahm]

@Daniel107 Great work on the practices. Keep going. This is the ego asking questions before it goes. Trickery and trappery. It likes status quo. All of life’s “bullshit” is symptomatic of personal meaning. Meanings get assigned relative to this physical self and it’s preservation, one layer of veil at a time. How can one enjoy the beauty and richness of this moment - if one is assigning meaning? How can one be present now, tainting it with meanings of the past and future? How can something with unfathomable sophistication, and unlimited opportunity, ask how to be grateful? 

When you watch a movie, read a book, or play a video game, you get into the experience by the meanings and the story. This life is the same. There’s your meaning and your story - but that’s just how you got into it - it’s a cover story, not the real story - you don’t need them now - you’re here. Now you can let those things go, and see who this You is which is playing this game...and....since when has meaning been a requirement for love?

51 minutes ago, Daniel107 said:

  I know that in the future I want to have a close and loving family, along with building a business that brings me passion and motivation. How can you put effort in your goals if really there is no point? I'm having a hard time through this contradiction, which causes considerable fear and frustration. I know that what I have to do is to release resistance to this and to just be aware of everything thats going on inside me, but what it seems to be happening is that the more I let go, the more anxious and fearful I get. 

 

Have a family, start a business. The business will not give you passion and motivation. You’ll give those things to the business and it will be symbiotic. Right now you’re in this place of effort, fear, contradication, frustration.....keep doing the practices, keep letting go, eat clean, exercise if you can...it all leads to being inspired, motivated, non-resistence, non-effort and getting way more accomplished. It’s so good, that it’s currently unbelievable. Embodying the truth will not make immediate relationships troublesome. It will set you free. You’ll be a far better business person and parent in addition to anything else you set your mind to.

[Daniel107]

Thanks for both your replies, it gets me motivated to keep going on the journey. I guess I'll just have to face whatever negative thoughts emotions and contradictions my mind sends at me, and see what's left of it afterwards. What I've noticed is that what really triggers me the most is all of these contradictions (life purpose vs life is meaningless, doing vs being, etc). The mind cant really understand this so thats when the fear kicks in. 

[DocHoliday]

Yeah, I'd say just keep them in the back of your mind and don't take them too seriously - don't get too hung up on them. You can regard any duality as a swinging pendulum, so when you've fully experienced one extreme, you'll naturally gravitate more to the other side until you will find a balance between them and you will settle for the middle way - that's when you know you have "arrived". Just takes some time though, as you have to let life naturally unfold. You'll be fine