Preety_India

Zendigger

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My progress is taking place at a very slow speed. Its annoying. Never works out as planned. Decided to take screenshots and pictures of my diary entries in my book. I don't have the patience to type them out. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Today is 2 May 2018 and I guess it's time to start making some real changes after a long time. 

The entire last week of March was tumultuous and was spent in dealing with a lot of stress like eviction, homelessness searching for a new house, it happened on 22 March, the entire Charles incident and this woman was violent and nuts. Goodness gracious. Got freedom from her. 

I don't even remember what I did in the first two weeks of April. Maybe I was just fighting with my mom all the time most of the days, it was an awful time, like one ordeal stops and then another starts, felt the same way, the ordeal of 22 March had not even subsided enough that problems of sleeplessness started hogging 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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What's lacking on the outside, try to create it inside. 

29ktdm.jpg

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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True wisdom comes with knowledge and knowledge comes from hard work, knowing every minute detail and with maturity, experience and humility. 

29kujd.jpg

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Been missing in action. MIA

 

 


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Poker problems 

  • The app does not have many tables with choices for less crowded ones. You end up with the same crowd 
  • Some bettors are like bingo players and they love to throw in a big bet first even before a flop is shown and that messes up your choices especially if the bet is too big or they betted the entire buy in or all in. Then you are either made to call the raise or go for all in or fold that makes it very difficult because you aren't ready to lose on that level. Kinda unfair if you want to have a Check of the flop before you can bet in any amount. These are the highest risk takers but they create a losers table because they can lose but they make everyone lose along with them and there are a few chances where you could have gotten  a good hand dealt to you but you lost it because you didn't wanna bet that much  before a flop. So it's a lose lose situation. Game killer. 
  • Mid round bettors.these are okay if they are too sure that they will win, in that fold will help cut loses because it's a no game if they are gonna win, but the problem is that they don't have a good hand and you have one and you are not totally sure because you don't see the river yet and even if you did see the river, what if someone else has a better hand or cooler, then you are in for a bad surprise if you kept hoping and betting. So you can't be sure and want to take a low risk but the middle round betting obscures your potential chances to win the pot, and you have to withdraw or call a fold which is worse than before because in first round betting you can directly fold but now you are folding after a bet or first round call. So after you fold you either realize that you had a good hand at winning or the person wins before showdown because all players folded, thus obscuring a well dealt hand. Again creating a losers table. Showdown betting is good if there are just a few and you are too desperate for a win or the Flop is anyway not very favorable so no big potential loss. 
  • Accidental calling. If you get distracted and someone before has betted huge or went for a showdown bet, you could accidentally hit the call against your wish and end up going along a bad hand knowing you are going to lose
  • Crowded table. A full table reduces the chances of winning per person because now the hands are distributed amongst more people. Your chance will come late or never. 
  • Rigged game. The probability of getting any good hand like straight or royal flush is already too low. The same applies for straight, three of a kind, flush or full house. But they are still frequent. If the game is rigged, the probability furthers narrows down to almost zero because another player is getting all the good hands. No point of even playing or betting. It's like playing to lose or make the other player win.. These players could be the ones who have paid their way in the game by buying benefits or features. Rigged game makes it all boring and you never win no matter what strategy you use. You are made to fail. That's even discouraging and annoying and boring. Takes away the excitement to play. 
Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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It's awful to have to defend yourself when you know you didn't do wrong. 

My soul is as pure as it can be. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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If there is so much distrust why even call it love. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Suffering has a good side and a bad side. 

The good side - 

  • It makes you wiser
  • It makes you matured 
  • It makes you appreciate happiness much more and even be grateful for all things and not take them for granted 
  • It teaches you important life lessons
  • It makes you cautious of future dangers and prepares you for the greater struggles in life
  • You are more sober and complacent and take lesser risks. 
  • People who have suffered least dive into dangerous behaviors because they tend to take everything for granted unaware of consequences. 
  • People who suffer or have suffered are less likely to create chaos and drama. But people who don't have much problems have nothing to engage their minds with and tend to create chaos and drama to feed their empty life. 

The bad side - 

  • It attracts misery
  • You become miserable with long term suffering
  • Ripple effect. Now your misery makes you want others to be miserable 
  • It causes you to develop a negative thinking pattern 
  • Negative thinking when gone out of hand can attract dark emotions like jealousy, insecurity, hate, anger, rage, resentment and revenge to a level that it can even lead to murder. 
  •  
Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Happiness is important because it reduces the chances of entangling into negative thinking and therefore less chances of attracting or having dark emotions. 

But a little suffering in the early stages helps the person to wisen up and not make mistakes in future. 

So really there should be a balance between suffering and happiness but overall there should be more happiness. 

 

 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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What to do in a situation where you feel like another person has ruined your life in some way. How to either forgive or let go. 

One thing is that you have to understand that maybe you think that the person is really responsible for ruining your life but even then you have to know that it doesn't matter if it is someone. It will always be something either a person or a thing or a situation or condition or event. For example, your damage or problem could have been caused by an earthquake or your problem is because of your bad health. There is really no point in blaming your suffering on someone who is destructive to you because you just have to become free of that person to escape the damage. 

Life is like a bad poker game and if you lose, it's really not the opponents fault or its not him or her but it's the game itself that's unfavorable. There is no point in blaming others. They are a part of the problem too. They are just another channel of causing frustration in your life but there are one channel out of the many channels that give you pain and frustration in life. 

You show resentment towards them because they are living beings capable of feeling your hate. You wouldn't show resentment towards earth for an earthquake that destroyed your house or fire that burned your house down because you just can't show it to non living things 

Therefore extreme resentment is pretty much useless. You gotto move out of that situation, call it quits, start a fresh new chapter, put all that behind you, move on and create a better situation for yourself, buckle up and never make the same mistake again or never let the past situation happen to you again and move on and let go. In this way, you're taking the higher road and you don't need to forgive the other person if you have trouble forgiving, you just have to let go and move on. This is a matured way of handling situation where you have tremendous resentment towards the other person. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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I've learned that a good way to actually feel better is by sending them love instead of hatred.

Like ho'oponopono , a great ?.

As long as you send these good loving vibes, the feelings u had before turn in a loving environment where everything feels better around you- you actually stop hurting yourself by not hurting others.

As long as you love others, love turns back to you. 

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@egoeimai hey that's awesome suggestion

Thanks. :x❤️❤️??Hearts. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Lol

So true. Eh

IMG_20180520_175852.jpg


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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29h2gu.jpg

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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 You're focusing on everything else except your own life. Major Distraction Syndrome 

Why do I or anyone does it 

  • To keep away from the fear or anxiety of emptiness.. Therapy 
  • To keep attention off stress inducing events or chores... Therapy... Distraction therapy 
  • To keep the dopamine validation stimulation momentum circuit going on. To feel stimulated which might indicate low dose depression or lack of stimulation, focus, drive and motivation to do something in life. Loss of interest in one's life. 
  • To feel that everything is okay and nothing is going wrong. Sort of therapy 
  • Block stressful memories, events  situations past or current 
  • To feel better about oneself like feeling you're achieving something in life. A false sense or perception of it to feel better. Again therapy 
  • To relieve accumulated stress.. Again therapy
  • To feel full or meaningful about life.. The TV slot effect.. The show must go on kinda thing
  • As a way to heal from long term undetected underlying tapering- off depression 
  • To feel happy... Again therapy 

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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It's only crackheads who talk about stuff that isn't relevant. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Doing something that is irrelevant and inconsequential and of little to no real benefit is what both young and old blubbers do. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Don't be a blubber in life 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Half knowledge is always dangerous. Worse than ignorance. 

 


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